Friday Afternoon Videos: My Bloody Valentine, The Kills, The Ronnie Horror Picture Show

You may have heard the announcement yesterday that they're officially remaking My Bloody Valentine, probably one of the best slashers out there. Patrick Lussier, who brought us such forgettable direct-to-video flicks as White Noise 2, Prophecy 3, and Dracula 2000 2 and 3 (he also did the abortion of a theatrical original, which I saw on Christmas Day and from which I emerged with my uncle to find a dead dog frozen solid stuck into the top of a snowbank in the parking lot), looks to continue his record here.

In memoriam, here's a 1981 television spot for the classic Canadian pick-fest.

I've been a big fan of The Kills for a while, but their new single, "Cheap and Cheerful" and its accompanying video are fucking awesome. "I want you to be crazy cause you're boring baby when you're straight." I dare you to not shake ass.

Interesting, this Ronnie Horror Picture Show parody of Ronald Reagan from 1980 (featuring Michael Richards and Larry David!) is just about as unfunny as the fact that the asshole was elected in the first place. (From the short-lived ABC sketch show Fridays.)

Fantasy Casting: Freddy Krueger!

So as we learned yesterday, Michael Bay and his Platinum Doo production company are remaking Wes Craven's genre-smashing 1984 classic A Nightmare on Elm Street whether we like it or not.

So why not make the best of the situation and engage in some pointless fantasy casting?

Let's assume at this point that Robert Englund, who created the iconic baby-rapist Freddy Krueger in the original film and was able to make at least several car payments thanks to the countless sequels and spinoffs, which included several television shows and a mashup with Friday the 13th. Because if Hollywood can be counted on for anything, it's that it will fuck up a good thing. Is Englund too old? Hells no. But assuming that Bumblebee-bastardizing Bay and co. are going to recast for a new franchise and want a younger actor.

Here are my picks...

Crispin Glover
Not only is Glover a go-to guy for psychosexually disturbed mama's boys (Beowulf, Willard, Back to the Future), but he'll apparently do anything (Wizard of Gore, Epic Movie, Simon Says).

Cillian Murphy
He scares the living eff out of me.

Peter Sarsgaard
He's played a dead-eyed sociopath countless times, but now he's also a father. What better reason to add "kid killer" to the resume?!

D.J. Qualls
Come on -- this guy's creepy.

Tilda Swinton
Love you, girl. But you played a psychotic male Archangel so well in Constantine and the gender-flipping Orlando so well that I would almost rather see you as a man these days. Get dirty!

Okay - who do you suggest? Fuck, who are we kidding. It's going to be Chad Michael Murray.

If Michael Bay lays a finger on "The Baby", I'm-a fuck him up big time

Yes, in case you haven't heard, Michael Bay is continuing his assault on everything that mattered from my childhood by "relaunching" the Nightmare on Elm Street series from the beginning.

This of course follows the news that Bay's company, Platinum Dunes, is similarly "overhauling" the Friday the 13th franchise (which was overhauling itself already, from what I could tell) and has already redone The Hitcher, The Amityville Horror, and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and was also responsible for turning the Transformers - easily the most beloved cartoon and toy of my young years - into the loudest computer-generated abortion in history.

Of all of these projects, the only I liked was Chain Saw, and I credit most of that to Marcus Nispel (who is also helming the Friday remake, which sounds the most promising of the bunch). But really, Nightmare? Why remake genre-leveling perfection? What could possibly be improved upon ... Heather Langenkamp's acting aside? And Ronee Blakely's? And Amanda Wyss's? Okay, maybe they have a point ... but can they get Lyn Shaye back to reprise her career-defining role?!?!

What's next, you ask? Uh ... how about the Near Dark and The Birds remakes they have in the works? God almighty ... is it too early for Suzanne Pleshette to be rolling in her grave?

Needless to say, if Humbert doesn't get a call to try out for the new Freddy, he is gonna be PISSED...

Trailer Fabulous: Amusement, Midnight Meat Train, Prom Light

No, do not adjust your monitor, that does say "Prom Light", which is what I've decided to call the upcoming PG-13 remake of the classic film, which is being anticipated as breathlessly as a mid-dance toilet baby delivery. Let's get this thing out, wrap it in a tulle shrug, and toss it in the dumpster so we can get back to the punch and pie, shall we?

Anyway, I have to say that in spite of all this the first half of the film's trailer is AMAZING in its glorious banality. It's just knowing that we're not actually going to see any of these Laguna Peaches get splattered across the walls that makes the second half (wait, does the whole movie take place in a single hotel room?!) really disappointing.

Also included below are the intriguing preview for Valentine 2008 Amusement and the tease for the Clive Barker adaptation Midnight Meat Train, which looks way more awesome than I expected (Bradley Cooper and Leslie Bibb, what what!).

Download the Prom Night soundtrack for free

For those of you who adore the 1980 slashterpiece Prom Night as much as I do (here's my review if you need convincing) and have always wanted to get a hold of the manically brilliant disco songs from the soundtrack, this is your lucky day. Friend of CampBloog Lance (from the delightfully unhinged Kindertrauma site) pointed me to a website offering the songs for free download.

I was lucky enough to have been given a bootleg (from a Japanese release, I think) of the soundtrack a few years back by my dear pal Tintorera Joe, and let me tell you there's nothing like recreating Jamie Lee's classic disco-dancing moments to non-hits like "Dancing in the Moonlight" and "Time to Turn Around". Here's the scene where JLC and her infinitely forgettable date dance to the film's disco theme ("Prom Night: Part 2"):

The POV spinning shots are hard not to love, but my favorite part is when Jamie just starts doing high-kicks and half-turns for no apparent reason, like a spooked show horse. And how can you not love a movie whose final song, "Fade to Black", tells the film's story as a sappy, Minnie Riperton-esque ballad? Hot shit here.

Friday Afternoon Videos: Looker, Gay Nightmare, and more!

Thought A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (The Gaypex of Horror Cinema) was as queer as it could possibly get? Think again!

She's a Lookaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Is it just me, or does this Gay Hulk MADTV character remind you of Perez Hilton?

Super-eerie video for equally-creepy song "What's a Girl to Do" by Bat for Lashes.

Dirty Skeksi Money

Don't ask me why, but I've been wanting to do that for like 6 months now...

Recognize this fella?

Was rifling through the pics of some of the folks who appeared at this year's Sundance Queer Brunch and came across this guy, who looked familiar.

Noticed he also attended in 2006, looking more casual but still quite snappy.

Guess who?

David Millbern of Slumber Party Massacre!

I picked that shot for the in-limbo I Still Know! movie still challenge because it's the gayest scene ever (because of the way it's written and shot, not necessarily because of the actors), and I got quite a chuckle out of seeing one of the preppy fellas popping up at all these queer events.

VIdeo: Finding meaning in tragedy, or just a bad joke?

And I'm not talking about interactive midnight screenings of Showgirls here, but rather the death of Heath Ledger earlier this week.

Hard to argue that the actor's untimely-as-all-hell death qualifies as a true Hollywood tragedy (despite taking place in Manhattan): he was extremely talented, young, a father, and by all accounts a very nice guy. He also had a knack for challenging himself in his work, which is a rare trait these days for A-listers.

So one the one hand this video is a bit icky, as it uses a single shot of the actor's (covered) body being gurneed out of the SoHo apartment (not M-K's!) in which it was found. But on the other hand, the point made by the added audio is a hard one to argue with ... and given Ledger's own unease with his celebrity, quite poignant. Probably only one step away from gallows humor, but at least it's a step with a point.

Cloverfield + Gay soap opera teens = ricockulous

Kiss New York City Goodbye

We took to the streets in support of the As the World Turns "Kiss Campaign" last week and ended up stuck in a Manhattan monster movie. These things happen when you leave Brooklyn, kids.

Review of Cloverfield forthcoming, btw. (I loved it.)

Review: Teeth ... Like I need another reason to avoid vajayjay

Seriously, the new horror-comedy Teeth gives all new meaning to Oprah's oft-used "My vajayjay is painin'!" soundbite.

It's also way more fun than it probably has any right to be, and it's oddly enough the brainchild of a gay writer/director (Mitchell Lichtenstein, son of the painter Roy and star of gay-themed films The Wedding Banquet and Streamers).

I wrote an article/review about what killer nah-nah has to do with sissies like me (and you ... just admit it already) over here.

Enjoy it as much as you can reasonably enjoy a review of a film about murderous female genitalia.

Ten Things I Hate About Heath Ledger's Death

1. The Joker won't be back for another Batman movie, or they'll cast some shithead like Hayden Christensen to play him.

2. His daughter, Matilda, has no father.

3. Michelle Williams looks terrible in black.

4. No Brokeback sequel.

5. That he actually outlived Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan actually outlived him.

6. The fact that his body was discovered by a masseuse, which has a very Jackie Collins ring to it.

7. No more actors named "Heath".

8. He was a great actor.

9. He was a human being.

10. I'm going to cry even harder next time I watch Brokeback.

This is so fucking sad.

Okay, this is even sadder: I just had an accidental nap while watching I Know Who Killed Me (blame cold medicine, not Lindsay!) and I woke up convinced that Ledger's death was a brilliant viral marketing ploy by the Batman people.

And really, with shit like Cloverfield and all the Joker sites out there, can you blame me? Not to mention this:

Indeed.

Bad Dreams director makes good

Did you know that Andrew Fleming, who wrote and directed Bad Dreams and The Crapft, is gay? I mean, sure, any guy who writes and directs a movie called Dick ... but anyway.

Fleming, who has moved away from horror and into whatever you would call Nancy Drew and The In-Laws, just sold his latest film, Hamlet 2, to Focus Features at Sundance. Congrats, Andy! Now how about a Bad Dreams 2: Badder Dreams? I bet Jennifer Rubin is available.

Whaaat? I'm just sayin...

Are you ready for this shit?

Alright, squids: I've finally decided to get this jalopy into gear and move to a blog format for the News section, in order to make things searchable, allow you whiners to comment, blah-zee-blah-blah-blah. The main site, Features Page, Reviews, and all that other shit are all staying put for now, with this blog-thing just picking up where the News page left off.

Speaking of which ...

The News page "left off" because my computer "went batshit" right before "Christmas" and I lost everything and was forced to buy "a new one". That was a nice big lump of coal in my stocking, believe you me. ("Puuuniiiiiiishhhh...") Anyway, we'll see if this new format makes it any easier for me to keep things cookin' over here.

It'll take me a while to get used to things, but keep your eye on this spot. Or it will keep an eye on you... MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!