This week in OH MY SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST: "Inside"

Those of you who have been with us for a while know that it takes more than a little red stuff or a dead toddler or some simple cannibalism to faze Uncle Buzz. I've sat through tasteless killer lesbians, pretentious predatory gay rednecks, man-eating pigs, and more Lynda Day George than any man should have to suffer, and come out the other end right as rain.

So imagine my delight when I finally came across a movie that genuinely made my jaw drop: The French "reluctant abortion" splatter thriller Inside (Le Interieur, or some shit).

As Roz would say, "Holy mairde."

The film stars Alysson Paradis (the sister-in-law of Johnny Depp) as Sarah, a woman on the eve of giving birth who is stalked by a crazy lady who wants the baby for herself, and is more than happy to cut it out a day early. Sarah begins the film bloodied from a car crash that takes her husband's life, and doesn't seem to really care about anything, including her unborn child. But as the night progresses and the bodies pile up (and my oh my do they pile up...), she begins to fight back like nobody's business. But the stranger (Beatrice Dalle, who has scared the living fuck out of me ever since she ate that teenaged boy alive in Trouble Every Day) is one tough baby-hungry bitch, and she's not going to go down easy.



Will Sarah and her child live through the night? You'll have to watch to see. But be warned - and seriously, I'm saying this from considerable experience - it is some of the bloodiest, most crazy shit I have ever seen. Imagine Dead Alive, but played straight during childbirth. For reals. If you have a weak stomach or are easily offended by some seriously uncomfortable tension, do not seek this one out. But if you're ready to have your nuts pulled up into your guts for 82 minutes, this is the ticket.

Note that the directors, Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury, have been tapped by Alpha Horror Gay Clive Barker himself to direct the Hellraiser remake, so you can just imagine how visceral and gooey this shit is.

Oh ... and did I mention it's a Christmas movie? Season's greetings!

I liked Jason Beghe better when he was naked and being bathed by a monkey

Yes, the Monkey Shines hottie is back, and he's talking some major shit about Scientology, which is where he apparently vanished to for all those years after killing Ella with his bare teeth.

He better watch his mouth, or he's gonna find himself back in that wheelchair ... and this time instead of a monkey, he'll have Katie Holmes washing his paralyzed ass!

"The Ruins" anything but, "April Fools Day" a joke

Hey, guys. I know I'm on various shitlists for not posting any birthday pics yet, but I assure you, they are coming. Combined forces of a week on jury duty and the difficulty of compiling decent pics from various drunkards have held them up a bit.

Anyway, just wanted to take a second to pass on two things:

First, The Ruins is kinda awesome. There's not much to it, but what is there is done exceedingly well. I don't know if I'll get around to a full review, but let me just say that the ads are horribly misleading (they really low-ball it as some cheap, disposable teen slasher when in reality it has a solid pedigree and is much more serious and complex that it appears) and that it's worth checking out. Really, any movie that can make me legitimately scared of a few morning glories is aces in my book, and the performances of all four leads (although Shawn Ashmore gets the least to do, really) are really, really solid.

See what happens when you cast actual actors in horror movies, Hollywood? Which brings us to ...

The bound-to-suck direct-to-video in-name-only "remake" of April Fool's Day sucked even harder than I ever could have imagined. It sucked the paint right off the walls. It sucked a golfball through 200 feet of garden hose. It sucked me back to 1987.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, even ENTERTAIN the thought of wasting any money on this, even as a rental. It's cheap, bloodless, scriptless, ugly, and has the plot of about 150 Christopher Pike young adult horror novels like Chain Letter and Slumber Party and shit. It's atrociously acted, atrociously directed (although to even suggest that there was a director present - let alone 2 "Butcher Brothers" - is a slap in the face of everything I understand about the filmmaking process) and makes Dave DeCoteau's worst film look like Lawrence of Arabia by comparison.

At its core it's supposed to be a "whodunit", but it's more of a "whothefuckcares". I'd call it "Diet Dynasty" or "I Know What You Did Last Prom Night" but either would be an insult to the references. I guess to call it The Disney Channel Presents Cry_Wolf is probably the closest thing I can come up with. It is nothing short of 89 minutes of direct-to-video abortion and I BEG you not to waste your time.