Children Shouldn't Play Doctor with Dead Things!

Zoe Daelman Chlanda in I'll Bury You Tomorrow

Here's a little Horror Movies 101 for the chilluns in the room: How does a horror filmmaker know when he or she has officially "arrived"? When a nutbag necrophile name-drops you in a trial as inspiration for his attempts to rape a corpse!

Of course, non-consensual sex with a dead body is no laughing matter. Just ask Catherine Zeta-Jones. But when a 23-year-old graverobber from Wisconsin used my dear friend Alan Rowe Kelly's film I'll Bury You Tomorrow in his trial defense as the inspiration for his nocturnal skullduggery (skullfuckery?), I have to admit I nearly laughed myself into an Activa-sponsored shit-fit.

Yes, Nicholas Grunke credits Kelly's funeral home-set grindhouse potboiler as the reason that he dug up the corpse of a recent motorcycle accident victim and set up a romantic evening with her, complete with a tarp, duct tape, a crowbar, and a box of condoms. Well at least he practices safe corpse-fucking! Although next time some scented candles might be in order (for obvious reasons).

Alan Rowe Kelly

At least the guy didn't get away with it, and apparently the real stir about the case was caused when lawmakers realized that there are no laws against pulseless booty-calls in the great state of Wisconsin. Although notice that Iowa news outlet KCRG makes a point of noting, apropos of nothing, that screwing dead people is a class D felony in the Hawkeye State. Them's my uppity bitches!

Anyway, huge ups to Alan Rowe for making it into the headlines in Cheddarville in such an unsavory and fabulous manner. You've arrived, hooker!