Why I will be watching the "Harper's Island" finale alone

This coming Saturday CBS will be airing the 2-hour finale of what might be the most daring horror-related network television experiment ever, the self-contained slasher opus Harper's Island. Now, if you haven't even heard of the show, you're not alone: since the bloody, Ten Little Indians-style mystery was banished to Saturday nights at 10PM early on, it never stood much of a chance.

But if, like we have, you've been sticking with the increasingly nasty little serial killer tale week after week, you might be looking forward to finding out how things will wrap up (they've promised since day one that they'll solve the mystery after killing pretty much everyone off) this weekend.

Well, let me adjust that slightly ... because as of last week's episode, the viewership in our household went from "us" to "me", and probably for good reason. To find out why (and to hear my completely off-base prediction for the solution to the mystery), continue through the SPOILERY waters below... (Note: If you haven't seen the show but want to catch up before the finale, you can watch every episode so far in full on CBS.com and on Prime Time On-Demand!)

Here's Episode 11:






In last week's episode, "Splash", boomerang baddie John Wakefield (who is alive and well, we know now) essentially killed off the only likable characters left of the show, the newly-engaged Cal and Chloe (the blondes). Introduced as disposable, vapid pretty people, the mismatched couple had somehow managed to survive to the 11th (of 13) episode, and along the way proved themselves to be wonderfully spunky and lovable characters. When browbeaten Cal was finally able to propose to Chloe in the last episode, it seemed that this budding love might be the show's way of injecting some hope into its tragic setup (a wedding becoming a slaughterhouse) and that they might be the "Final Couple" of the series.

Um ... no.

Instead, the couple was tortured and given the most prolonged and anguished sendoff thus far, with Cal being impaled right in front of Chloe and Chloe committing suicide before Wakefield could get to her (sighing, "You can't have me" before letting go of the bridge rail and falling to her death). It's not a particularly new twist, sure - heck, it was the ending of Open Water, more or less. But in that case you'd spent 90 minutes growing to detest the two victims, and in this case you'd spent 11 hours actually coming to like them.

It was a pretty mean move, and one that might have turned a lot of people off in the 11th hour (literally). Andy actually walked out of the room the minute the spike met Cal's chest and announced that he wouldn't be watching any more of the show, that they'd just gone too far. I can't really argue with him, although I reminded him that the show did pretty much promise to kill everyone off before it even started. But honestly, couldn't that annoying little kid have been the next to go, instead?

On Saturday the last two episodes ("Gasp" and "Sigh" ... notice that all the titles are the death sounds of the wedding guests? Neat...) will air, and the mystery will be solved. My call? Since Episode 4 ("Bang") I've been convinced that Booth (the friend who shot himself by accident and whose body disappeared) had faked his own death and had been aiding Wakefield in secret, likely because he's his son. They're of course casting suspicion on the fishy boyfriend now (I Know What You Did Last Summer-style) but I think it's a red herring (nyuk).

It's pretty safe to say the killer isn't Uncle Marty (Harry Hamlin)

If this is the twist, it means that the writers did their homework, as it would borrow from both And Then There Were None (someone faking his own death to move about in secret) and Death on the Nile (a fake shooting), two Agatha Christie whodunit classics.

Any theories? Is anyone even still watching?