“Walking Dead” 2.06 & 2.07: “Here’s Your Abortion Pills…Since We’re Pretty Much Dead Already”

Congratulations, everyone: we’ve come halfway through the second season of Walking Dead!! I know how I feel about this: relieved. We finally get a break and don’t have to deal with these lame stressors all throughout the holidays. The last two episodes before break were OK and did tie up a lot but, as I read on Metacritic, everyone’s kind of, “Meh. So what?” about it all and has rescinded their once glowing remarks on the show. Regardless, lets dive in and discuss what went down on 2.06 and 2.07.

Well, Lori and Carl Button are feeding chickens. Is this a dream? Last episode, wasn’t he still stuck in bed? Whatever: he’s up and walking now! And talking mad shit, yo. One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately as a result of his almost dying is that – if this show goes on longer – they’re going to need a new kid actor. Has AMC thought about this? Having a show that runs a season a year (or, one season split between two) that only spans the course of a week with child characters isn’t very smart because in two years it’s going to be “The Walking Dead, a cast of rag tag melodramatic Southerners and a child with hyper-aging issues try to get to the bottom of why zombies are around” instead of “The Walking Dead, a cast of rag tag melodramatic Southerners try to get to the bottom of why zombies are around.”

Just a thought!

WTF?? This show is all about killing animals now and then washing out the bad taste with a horse.

I see what you did there–and I don’t appreciate it, Walking Dead.

So, the barn is now a “character” or something. ^*StUpId*^. It just lurks in the background and needs to be fed and blah blah blah. And, now, Glen has to hold the secret of it. Why? The farm people should just talk about it. They better be holding an amazing secret because, otherwise, this is just as silly as Sophia’s running away. Those barn zombies better have AIDs or something. I’m sure it’s Hershel experimenting or they are too Christian to kill or “they almost got raided one time and put them all in there.”

Glenn also has to hold the secret of Lori’s Vajazzle. He’s going to do a terrible job at this. He obviously is going to spill both, as he lurks around with peaches stealing everyone’s heart (as Lori watches him with a stick). Then he tells Dale: great. Silly as hell.

Carl Button gun drama: what is up with you people and being obsessed with guns?? Okay, I get there are zombies but, umm, this show hasn’t had a real zombie that wasn’t doing anything since like episode one. We’re just watching vagabonds on parade, a talentless version of the PBS Circus documentary. And, the conclusion? Give the kid a gun! They didn’t even let Andrea–a grown ass woman who owned a gun–play with one until after three or four episodes of her whining but, in a sneeze, Carl Button gets like seven uzis.

Whatever, hop in Shane’s sponsorship.

Yeah, that says “hope” instead of “hop,” so what?

How do they have so many bullets to just waste at this makeshift gun range? I haven’t lived in no zombie apocalypse, but I would cherish every bullet I have and practice making and shooting arrows. Just a thought! Of course Andrea is an idiot savant with shooting and Shane wants to share his insanity with her! “I like the weight of this one,” she says, practically deep throating it. Isn’t shooting rule number one of things NOT to do because it attracts zombs? Magical realism, everyone!

“We don’t shoot sick people,” Hershel says of his barn hoarding, detailing his wife and stepson are in there. That was the big reveal? ZzZzzzZZzZzZzzZZZzZzzzZZZzzZZ. Who cares? The barn wasn’t hurting anyone before they knew about it, so let sleeping dogs lie. Instead, this is becoming a shitty plot point that would push them off of the land. Also, are there like seven zombies in there? There isn’t like 129048398475092849875092384298374 walkers in there: there are about ten. If they escape, isn’t this like ten shots until they’re back to normal? If this leads to a battle of ethics (the not-killing-zombs-because-they-are-sick-people group versus the KILL! KILL! KILL! vagabonds), I will not watch this show…well, I will. But, I will be even more unhappy about it!

Dale is squealer number one. I do like that he was like, “Pssh: this is all going to be fine,” which appropriately tickled Lori’s dRaMa button. So, off to the city Maggie and Glenn go! They have some sexual tension as a result of Glen not being able to keep secrets. Also, if memory serves correctly, her spouting off names of “frienbies” only yielded like six folks. Why is this an issue again? Let sleeping dogs lie!!

Then, naturally, a mini-zomb attack that died super easily with a blow from a pharmacy shelf, weird CGI, then bludgeoning. Nice shot?

Don’t hug after that!! Who are you, kinky Maggie? Well, obviously she’s crazy Maggie as she just went off on innocent Lori about being an errand bitch. One thing brilliant did come from that: “Here’s your abortion pill!!” Then she wants to hatefuck him because she “can’t take him becoming one of them.” (AKA, her horny well isn’t dry just yet.)

Also, I’m not done speaking about the whole zombies in the barn thing: how did they become that way? Zombies don’t just happen. Were they like peacefully raided and then settled an agreement with the walkers to live in the barn? Is this like in Thor where the cold people aliens agree not to fuck with the viking people? I don’t get it. I’m sure it will be something melodramatic like, “They all were bitten or had a zombie blood cocktail and we figured it was the best for all of them to just live in the barn.” Is Hershel a reality show producer? That sounds like a great multi-camera platform.

Where is this neighborhood that Shane and Andrea are vigilating around in? They’re in another world, just looking for things to shoot. Sophia, at this point, is a rag doll of a character and a plot device. Doesn’t get any more hackneyed as this…or as not-surprising as this walker attack/target practice that Andrea was getting off on…until she ACTUALLY got off. Surprise! She’s a slut and a killing machine!

Ugh, Lori: vomiting her whore pills. That would have been exciting if she just got rid of it that way. Abortion is always a strong choice! Instead, we get angry I-Look-Like-I’m-Dying Rick who is jealous of Glen knowing before him and–wait: am I seriously writing about baby drama on a horror television show? I haven’t gotten a fright from this show since, well, the first episode (OF LAST SEASON). This melodrama isn’t even good: Rick already knew about everything, taking the stink out of the fart. There goes one season and a half plot line falling on deaf ears.

I’ll keep these brief, as we dive into the next episode:
• They’ll find Sophia.
Carl will shoot again.
• Someone will get pussy.
• Barn shit will go down.

So, this episode is seriously called “Pretty Much Dead Already.” Is this show in on the joke as well? That’s the most emo title I’ve ever heard, not to mention the most lame attempt at trying to get us excited about “exciting things happening.” Unfortunately, as we all know, it is about the state of the show: pretty much dead already.

The episode starts on this nice, almost Norman Rockwell type of tableau of everyone eating on the camp. Then, unprovoked, Glen tells everyone there are walkers in the barn. What? I LITERALLY laughed out loud as it was followed by that super dramatic sound cue. Why do they care? So what! Of course, though, it gets everyone’s need to kill adrenaline pumping. This episode is already going to be a joke: everyone is killing each other with words, they all don’t want to upset Hershel, they want to get Sophia, and then they all spoke too loudly. ~*~oF CoUrSe~*~

To take this home, EVERYONE has gone crazy: Maggie’s a real bitch, wasting an egg on Glen and is withholding sex out of anger; Carl Button: ugh–why do you care so much about Sophia?? Because you’re aging faster than everyone else and understand that your childhood friend should enjoy farm life?; Daryl and Carol (LOL) fighting, resulting in Daryl calling her a bitch: what was that about?? He gave her Cherokee Roses!; Andrea confronting fake Dale Dad for being a Dad (as a result of her losing her virginity or something); Rick confronts Hershel to “not let them out into the world again,” pulling out all of the stops———ALL DRAMA. ALL STUPID DRAMA. It’s like this episode they decided to tie up all of the loose ends in a ridiculous fashion, cramming every ounce of plot one hour. Not sure if I like this.

“Love one another, that’s what she told me,” Maggie explains, telling the history of the people on the farm. About fucking time! “Is this about you and Asian boy?” Hershel says. Great: second best line of the season! We need these farm people: they have the best lines!!! I love that overthrowing insane Christian Hershel is now the motive of the show. And by “love” I mean I fell asleep. Also, it’s his farm. This isn’t Occupy Hershel, people.

EWWW: she’s cutting up carrots on a stump?? Lori: that stump isn’t like Sur La Table–it’s a homeless stump! A zombie could have jizzed on it! It’s also lame that Shane and Lori’s first encounter wasn’t as explosive as it should have been because AN ENTIRE SEASON AND A HALF’S WORTH OF PLOTLINE WAS RESOLVED BY RICK JUST SAYING, “OK.” Ugh.

Carl Button speaking with Shane: he really is like legit forty. He has a swagger, a Stetson hat, and gives Shane his thoughts on finding Sophia, calling his “bullshit.” The best part of this whole thing was that, when Shane walked away, he travelled a thousand feet. But, when Lori looked over, he was like ten feet away. Don’t believe me? Look:


Why was Shane so mad at Dale? I’m confused. Don’t care! The silt and zombie moment was cool because zombs stuck in silt is cool. Him proselytizing? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. And, while collecting zombies to “change” them sounds like a good idea, but I’ve seen Day Of The Dead and it don’t end well.

Have they found Sophia yet? Nope. Daryl is looking and nothing is happening. If that girl just up and walks on the farm, I’ll kill someone. At least Maggie and Glen made up and convinced each other they want to stay alive to keep on ~*~SeXiNg~*~. Also, guns: this is the drama Shane was getting pissy about? DOMB.

But, I guess it’s all good because Shane went batshit insane and shot the carrot/stick Zombs and then let them all out of the barn. Can we all agree that that barn was a zombie clown car? They wasted a shitload of bullets, too. What was the point of this again? So the Butter Side Down people (pro-guns) could show the Butter Side Up people (anti-guns) that killing is good? Glad we got to the bottom of that.

But, mostly, SUPER happy we got to the bottom of Sophia….the ZOMBIE. I laughed out loud from comfort and joy. It’s a Christmas miracle! They found her and she was a zombie–who was stuck in the barn! If I cared more about the show I would dissect the symbolism of this but, frankly, I don’t give a fuck and am so glad she was a zombie and that they killed her because DUH. Just DUH.

How did I not predict that???? Did you guys see that coming? I didn’t. And, really, I didn’t care that it happened nor was I “shocked” because that storyline was so dead (ha!) after two episodes. And, even if it was a little “surprising” it could have been done four episodes earlier. It was only surprising at this point because EVERYONE watching was so fucking over her plotline that we didn’t care to even pinch a brain nerve thinking of where she could possibly be.

So, where does that leave us now? We’re mid-season and have to wait until February to see the rest of the season’s episodes, to find out if they are getting kicked off the farm and–essentially–start anew since there is no reason for them to stay there any longer. These seven episodes were actually quite emblematic on my thoughts on this series: they could have been done in two, maybe three, solid episodes but–instead–they belabored it all into the soap opera that is this show. ZZZZZZZZ. This isn’t Lost or American Horror Story, where the story drama is just as real as the suspense: it’s all ~*~MiDdLe ScHoOL dRaMa~*~. It’s all lame and longwinded and boring and unintelligent. I understand that “horror” is not “the point” of this show but, well, that is why we started watching it, right? It seems like too little too late on all accounts. We’ll see what happens with the next episodes, which will be Darabont-less.

I’m not going to make any questions and predictions because they’d all be pretty trivial (Maggie leaves with the vagabonds, they get kicked off the farm, Shane/Andrea have sex again, Lori gets more pregg, etc.). But, let us discuss what we think is going to happen next in the comments as well as share our thoughts of things thus far. Let us feast…since we’re pretty much dead already!

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A gay military kid who lived up and down the east coast finally decided to venture out West--and hasn't returned. With a love for horror films, champagne, short shorts, and CAPS LOCK, he spends his time writing, doing comedy, and being an assistant (oy). He has a dog and collects magazines with Lady Gaga on the cover, too.