The Best, Worst, and Most Notable Horror of 2012

Now that we have 2012 squarely in our rear view (while the rain pounds down on our car and Bernard Hermann‘s impeccable score for Psycho blares, of course), it’s time to revisit the best, worst, scariest, stupidest, gayest, and otherwise most notable of the crazy-ass year that was 2012.

To that end, our adorable Counselor Ross (Survival Skills, Arts and Crafts, Care of Magical Gingers) has joined me to compile our picks in a number of essential categories, including Favorite Death, Best Drapes in a Bad Movie, and of course Gayest Villain. Please note that as my adventures in the past year have focused more on television, my picks may skew small-screen-heavy, while Ross’s experiences were more “Interstate truck stop restroom” in nature, and thus reflected in his picks.

Enjoy!

FAVORITE DEATH

BUZZ: Sarah Wayne Callies (Lori Grimes), The Walking Dead
Easily one of the meanest character deaths ever, this was also a long-overdue execution of one of the most consistently annoying characters on television. Actually, I pretty much hated all of them, by this point – but the show heaped on the wrong by having Lori die during childbirth, forcing her tween son to shoot her in the head, and then having her eaten IN HER ENTIRETY by a particularly gluttonous zombie.

Buzz’s Runner-up: Glynn Turman (Appleton), John Dies at the End
One of my favorite characters in any movie this year, and you can’t go wrong with an exploding head that releases a demon named “Shitload”.

ROSS: Anna Hutchison (Jules), The Cabin in the Woods
Simple
. Definitive. Pheromones. Breasts. Shock… Awe… and a swift Amputation.

Ross’s Runner-Up: Jan Broberg (Art Gallery Matron), Maniac
I slept my way into a screening of this art-haus horror in 2012. PREPARE, audiences, PREPARE.

GAYEST VILLAIN

BUZZ: Reverend Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan), True Blood

Buzz’s Runner-up: King Candy (Alan Tudyk), Wreck-It Ralph

ROSS: Andrew (Dane DeHaan), Chronicle
Really, the It Gets Worse film of the year. Dan Savage would cleanly shit his clit off with this one.

Ross’s Runner-up: Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green), Dark Shadows
He was King Tranny.

BEST DRAPES IN A BIG LET-DOWN

BUZZ: The Woman in Black

ROSS: The Innkeepers

FACE OF THE FUTURE

BUZZ: Gully McGrath, Dark Shadows/The Loved Ones/Lincoln
The kid’s just cool. AND his name’s Gully.

ROSS: Spencer Locke, Detention
NO BUT REALLY THIS GIRL. You heard her in Monster House, now watch her camp out —
eighties style! This movie’s honestly a homicidal migraine. AND there’s a supporting gay kiss. So, I didn’t hate it…

BOSSIEST BOTTOM

BUZZ: Richard Jenkins, The Cabin in the Woods

ROSS: Chris Massoglia, Joe Dante’s The Hole 3-D

FINALEST GIRL

BUZZ: Caity Lotz, The Pact
Classic FG hotness from the chick from Death Valley. Also just a super-creepy flick that did a great job playing with genre expectations.

ROSS: Casey Affleck, Paranorman
Did the other Affleck make gay-horror history this year? Didn’t think so.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING FEMALE

BUZZ: Charlize Theron, Snow White and the Huntsman

ROSS: Hannah Fierman, V/H/S

Ross’s First Runner-Up: Catherine O’Hara (Gym Teacher), Frankenweenie

Ross’s Second Runner-Up: Robin McLeavy (Lola/”Princess”), The Loved Ones

MOST ADORKABLE & PORKABLE

BUZZ: Evan Peters, American Horror Story: Asylum

Buzz’s Runner-up: Eric Sheffer Stevens, Silent House

ROSS: Chris Williamson & Rob Mayes, John Dies at the End

Ross’s Runner-up: Aneurin Barnard, Citadel

THE GAYEST HORROR OF THE YEAR

BUZZ: Todd and the Book of Pure Evil

This Canadian gem of small-screen mindfuckery is basically what you would get if Buffy Summers and Jeri Blank from Strangers with Candy had a baby, fed it only pot, and left it to die in a dumpster behind the high school.

A campy spin on the “monster-of-the-week” formula set in an ill-fated Canadian high school named after Aleister Crowley, Todd delivers gory, profane, and screamingly hilarious genre spoofing of the highest caliber – and it’s also insanely gay. Whether it’s turning all the guys at the school homo in “Gay Day” or slipping in brilliantly subversive asides like this one:

Coach: You played like a bunch of girls out there!

Basketball Player: Well, coach, some women are actually really good at basketball.

Coach: Women are really good at blowjobs, too – you saying you’re good at blowjobs?

Basketball Player (mumbled): Pretty good…

Bonus points for featuring local fave Chris Leavins (Cute with Chris, The Hanging Garden) as lecherous guidance counselor/satanist Atticus Murphy, Jr., and for introducing us all to the horrors of German Herpes.

It’s a total bummer that the show was never renewed for a third season – but never fear, the first two are available on Netflix Instant and are just begging you to plunder their wares.

ROSS: The Moth Diaries

While Buzz chose fully respectable camp, I couldn’t help but name the trashiest trainwreck as My Baby.

Mary Harron and IFC unleash their marketable tweeny Twihard side and still can’t manage to avoid a billion gallons of indie-horror vaginal erotica. Moth Diaries is a hotbed of menstrual semiotics and leaky beef curtains. With a nearly all-female cast (save Scott fucking Speedman), it’s the newest member of film history’s ALL-TIME most titillating subgenre: The Case of the Boarding School Lesbian Bed Death. Heavenly Creatures and Madchen in Uniform: welcome your gimpy sister.

Confusing foreigner Lily Cole is the catalyst in the awakening of sexually repressed field hockey team superstar Sarah Bolger (TV’s Once Upon a Time). When paranoid Bolger brands new girl Cole a hell-bent vampire in the dorms, Bolger indirectly makes known her desires towards her own best friend, Antiviral‘s Sarah Gadon.

All of these Sarah’s and Lily’s star in the most irritatingly un-finger-able horror of recent memory. Is it gay? Isn’t it gay? And then ONE SCENE – ONE VERY SPECIFIC SCENE – confirms EVERYTHING.

And suddenly we think, We’re all lesbian vampires. Deep down in our dark cellars.

A fascinating note: the book on which the movie’s based is a series of diary entries narrated by unnamed girl “I.” That alone is very Hitchcock’s Rebecca (and its source book by Daphne du Maurier), in which the girl narrator, the Second Mrs. de Winter, is also an unnamed “I.” Even further: when Harron decided give Moth‘s heroine a name for the movie adaptation, she named the character REBECCA (!!!!!), which casts an incredible amount of boob-centric dread on the blood.

Note the aggressive Asian girl in the Moth Diaries cast, from Juno and Jennifer’s Body, who here has an insatiable addiction to smoking pot and playing Wii. AND finding the clitoris.

ROSS’S RAM-WORTHY RECOMMENDATIONS!

  • The American Scream: the newest from Michael Stephenson (Troll 2, Best Worst Movie)
  • The Tall Man: from Martyrs‘s Pascal Laugier starring a surprising Jessica Biel
  • Compliance: this will curb your fast-food penchant.
  • Jack & Diane: a very quiet, non-Ginger Snaps take on A Lesbian Werewolf In Manhattan, starring pussywillow of our collective consciousness Juno Temple, plus Riley Keough who gives a stunning performance of androgyny, and Kiley Minogue as Butch Tattoo Artist (of course).

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About Buzz

Buzz created CampBlood.org in 2003 to meet a need for a safe place for weirdos of all stripes to discuss horror movies from a queer perspective. Now that the campers have overtaken the Camp staff and locked them in the Arts & Crafts cabin he is questioning that decision.