A Look Back at the Men of Woodsboro

Because why the fuck not? Debbie Loomis is only getting STARTED, pigs.

SKREAM:

FIRST BEEF. Imagine this casting call. “18. All-American. Has eyes. Mutes fine.”

CASEY’S DAD. No Man Left Behind. Something for everyone, we deem.

Fuckin’ SID’S DAD. Again, who are we to judge? Feast.

Sludge.

Indigo Girls, I MEAN REALLY.

Seen and had worse.

Counselor Buzz has Deputy Dewey’s headshot in a keychain locket on his soap-on-a-rope. I’ve seen it in the shower halls. Dangling. Without moral.

Smeej.

What the fuck is wrong with Sidney? Do we ever find out why she’s friends with these gremlins? Is it explained in a deleted scene hidden on 8mm film in Kevin Williamson‘s soggy tubesock closet? Because I’ve searched and searched that closet and all I got were these shackles.

Imagine Liev on set this day. “Suck it.”

Like we said: something for everyone.

The Scissor Sisters (above). Remember these farm-plucked punks? Best pieces of arse on set. Like my mama always said, Blink and you’ll miss ‘em.

I can’t. It’s Barry Zuckerkorn.

Man, right?

SKREAM 2:

A night at the cinema! Handsome devule. Where’s your girlfriend?

CLOSE ON POPCORN CLERK

HEY, I RECOGNIZE THIS GUY! Ugh, wait, it’s Sid in a sports bra.

Fuck. (Twinky little Penn Badgley looks on?)

Also present. (Joey Lauren Adams looks on?)

A few good men.

Huh?

Hmm?

MOUTH.

READY.

SKREAM 3:

God damn. That sweater.

Yeah, remember that dick who eviscerated Gale at a public lecture? He’s like Josh Feuerstein after felching a rhino and hating it.

I mean, fine. This’ll do.

Lance Henriksen, AAAAHHHHH!!!

Scott Foley, ooohhh….

…Iggy Pop?

Surrender the jawline and no one gets hurt.

SKREAM 4, BACK 2 BASICS:

A new day! Fa-la-la! I have no eyeballs. Like my ‘stache?

Leave.

Even Adam Brody was in this fucking opera. Anthony Anderson is my witness (here and in life).

Midge Culkin and our gayby.

If we have to.

YEAH ALL OVER YOUR FACE MARY MCDONNELL.

Damn it, this is when we descend into meaningless female comedy memes.

Enough said.

Also.

And this is an image of Debbie Metcalf trying to break down a door with her superhuman cunt.


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About Ross

Ross studied film at Emerson while working for indie producers, and he critiques shit from a queer POV here and @GingerBredhaus. He also produced 2015 gay horror slasher comedy YOU'RE KILLING ME and creates immersive theater in NYC.