Julianne Moore had a horrible year. Abigail Breslin had a horrible year. Lindsay Lohan had a horrible year (not just for that NY Times article, but for her movie, too). Judy Greer just did not know what she was getting into. And poor Chloe Moretz, her face plastered on advertisements worldwide for the most offensive horror remake known to man.
Hey, let’s start there.
WORST HORROR OF THE YEAR
REALLY BLOODY VAGINAL MESS
- Gratuitously overpacked, like a shitty 100-min trailer.
- Barely was any of that gratuity enjoyable in camp value.
- Forevermore painful because it’s the “update” of a gay-beloved classic.
- Wet-noodle acting from the upsettingly plain-jane lead. Come on. Do something.
- A truly humiliating supporting performance from a four-time Oscar nominated actress.
- An almost as humiliating turn from Judy Greer. Was she was acting in front of a green screen?
- SUE SNELL IS TERRIBLE.
- The embarrassingly flat AND WEIRD prom, and a woefully stupid sequel-baiting ending.
- All that kerfuffle around “an openly gay female director giving this classic a ‘feminist’ hard-fisted update,”and this commercialized POS as its result. Like, what the fuck happened, Kimberly Peirce? Will we ever get an answer?
Phew, now that that’s out of the way…
GEMMA ARTERTON, “BYZANTIUM”
BEST HORROR OF THE YEAR
Lush, seamless, fascinating, not to be missed.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
SARAH GADON, “ANTIVIRAL”
MOST LOVABLE TRAINWRECK
Runner-up: Magic Magic
I mean, we’ll take it.
THE BEST PARTS OF “YOU’RE NEXT”
AMY SEIMETZ AND BARBARA CRAMPTON
“THE CONJURING” AND VERA FARMIGA
As designed by Taissa.
THE SCI-FI AWARD
ERNST UMHAUER, “DANS LA MAISON”
MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE
THE LORDS OF SALEM
Sheri Moon needs someone’s help.
DANIELLE BISUTTI, “CURSE OF CHUCKY”
WHAT ARE WE EVEN LOOKING AT?
MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE
ROONEY MARA, “SIDE EFFECTS”
Girl carried this.
BEST TERRIFIED OLD BAG
JACKI WEAVER, “STOKER”
Greatly terrified, greatly matronly.
SPECIAL MENTION: SEE IT
“SIMON KILLER” AND BRADY CORBET
SPECIAL MENTION: AVOID THIS PIECE OF SHIT
“HAUNTER” AND ABIGAIL BRESLIN
A delicious year! Onto the next.
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