The Absolute Worst (Oculus) & Best of 2014

“Beth” and its fantastic cunt Aubrey

The year in great, useless horror faggotry. GODDD, LET’S JUSSSTTT FUCKINGGGGG GETTTTT INNNTO IT! Preface: a stunning sackful of indies get the gold. (Except for ONE. The one EVERYONE loved.)

But, sadly, first… the worst.

WORST HORROR OF THE YEAR

OCULUS

GARBAGE.

  • Most frightening is its self-seriousness.
  • ALSO, A MIRRORRRRRRRR IS THE VILLAINNNNNNNNNN…..!
  • Katee Sackhoff, known beast, gives a career-humiliating performance as “Mom/Demon.”
  • Co-starring some poor children and phenomenal slug Rory Cochrane, who we actually love, but not in the Blumhouse world. Not at all. Something’s off.
  • Karen Gillan (“Doctor Who,” Guardians of the Galaxy, and most recently ABC’s most-marketed, least-watched, barely-anticipated joyous bomb “SELFIE”) is hhhhooooorrrible. And it did not feel good loathing her! Because it seems we should love her! She seems to deserve love!!!
  • But most importantly, the fillum Oculus presents an actor so inexplicably wrapped in the tightest top and jeans… a musclepup tailor-made for casting couches beachwide… Brenton Thwaites (The Giver, Maleficent). A healthy Australian. Too manufactured to be even remotely taken seriously.

Exhibit A:

(from r-l: at mirror with Gillan; at jungle with monster dicklines)

Now, on to true worthiness…

.

BEST ACTRESS

tie: SCARJO, “UNDER THE SKIN” + TILDA, “ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE”

Decadent mongrels.

.

BEST HORROR OF THE YEAR

COHERENCE

Genius, unconventional, fresh, needed, all of it.


.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

SHEILA VAND, “A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT”

Superb.


.

MOST LOVABLE TRAINWRECK

ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE

If we must.


.

THE SEIMETZ AWARD FOR INSANITY

AMY SEIMETZ, “THE SACRAMENT”

Runner-up: Eva Green in Sin City 2, White Bird, and Penny Dreadful

Delirium.


.

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE

THE BABADOOK

Runner-up: Stage Fright

SUCK IT EVERYONE.


.

BEST ENSEMBLE

LIFE AFTER BETH
AUBREY PLAZA + MOLLY SHANNON + ANNA KENDRICK

Runner-up: Gone Girl’s Rosamund, Wilson, Pyle, Coon, Dickens and Sela

Womyn.


.

THE SCI-FI MEDAL

THE ONE I LOVE

Irritating, fascinating.


.

BEST ACTOR

CAMERON MONAGHAN, “JAMIE MARKS IS DEAD”

Fantasmic.

.

BEST TERRIFIED OLD BAG

KIRSTEN DUNST, “TWO FACES OF JANUARY”

Highsmith would be proud (a.k.a not care).


.

THE BEEFCAKE MEDAL

AFFLECK’S BIG SHLONG, “GONE GIRL”

Runner-up: Christophe Paou, “Stranger by the Lake”

Literal jackpot. (H/T MNPP)


.

MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE

DAN STEVENS, “THE GUEST”

Scintillating.


.

SPECIAL MENTION: SEE THIS

“STARRY EYES,” ALEX ESSOE, AND ITS TAKEDOWN OF L.A.


.

SPECIAL MENTION: AVOID THIS PIECE OF SHIT

V/H/S: VIRAL

End 2014.

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About Ross

Ross studied film at Emerson while working for indie producers, and he critiques shit from a queer POV here and @GingerBredhaus. He also produced 2015 gay horror slasher comedy YOU'RE KILLING ME and creates immersive theater in NYC.