The year in great, useless horror faggotry. GODDD, LET’S JUSSSTTT FUCKINGGGGG GETTTTT INNNTO IT! Preface: a stunning sackful of indies get the gold. (Except for ONE. The one EVERYONE loved.)
But, sadly, first… the worst.
WORST HORROR OF THE YEAR
- Most frightening is its self-seriousness.
- ALSO, A MIRRORRRRRRRR IS THE VILLAINNNNNNNNNN…..!
- Katee Sackhoff, known beast, gives a career-humiliating performance as “Mom/Demon.”
- Co-starring some poor children and phenomenal slug Rory Cochrane, who we actually love, but not in the Blumhouse world. Not at all. Something’s off.
- Karen Gillan (“Doctor Who,” Guardians of the Galaxy, and most recently ABC’s most-marketed, least-watched, barely-anticipated joyous bomb “SELFIE”) is hhhhooooorrrible. And it did not feel good loathing her! Because it seems we should love her! She seems to deserve love!!!
- But most importantly, the fillum Oculus presents an actor so inexplicably wrapped in the tightest top and jeans… a musclepup tailor-made for casting couches beachwide… Brenton Thwaites (The Giver, Maleficent). A healthy Australian. Too manufactured to be even remotely taken seriously.
Now, on to true worthiness…
tie: SCARJO, “UNDER THE SKIN” + TILDA, “ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE”
BEST HORROR OF THE YEAR
Genius, unconventional, fresh, needed, all of it.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
SHEILA VAND, “A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT”
MOST LOVABLE TRAINWRECK
ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE
If we must.
THE SEIMETZ AWARD FOR INSANITY
AMY SEIMETZ, “THE SACRAMENT”
Runner-up: Eva Green in Sin City 2, White Bird, and Penny Dreadful
MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE
Runner-up: Stage Fright
SUCK IT EVERYONE.
LIFE AFTER BETH
AUBREY PLAZA + MOLLY SHANNON + ANNA KENDRICK
Runner-up: Gone Girl’s Rosamund, Wilson, Pyle, Coon, Dickens and Sela
THE SCI-FI MEDAL
THE ONE I LOVE
CAMERON MONAGHAN, “JAMIE MARKS IS DEAD”
BEST TERRIFIED OLD BAG
KIRSTEN DUNST, “TWO FACES OF JANUARY”
Highsmith would be proud (a.k.a not care).
THE BEEFCAKE MEDAL
AFFLECK’S BIG SHLONG, “GONE GIRL”
Runner-up: Christophe Paou, “Stranger by the Lake”
Literal jackpot. (H/T MNPP)
MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE
DAN STEVENS, “THE GUEST”
SPECIAL MENTION: SEE THIS
“STARRY EYES,” ALEX ESSOE, AND ITS TAKEDOWN OF L.A.
SPECIAL MENTION: AVOID THIS PIECE OF SHIT
- The Absolute Worst (Carrie) & Best of 2013 “Plus One” Julianne Moore had a horrible year. Abigail Breslin...
- CampBlood’s Best and Worst of 2010: You Voted, I Counted! Last week I put it to you, the Campers, to...
- The Best, Worst, and Most Notable Horror of 2012 Now that we have 2012 squarely in our rear view...
- Poster Roaster: “The Guest” (2014) …TO YOUR PANTS!! Related: Rawr. Related: Is anyone still watching...
- Vote for the Best and Worst of 2010! Alright, folks – it’s that time of year when everyone...