Poster Roaster: “NOES”, “The Human Centipede”, the new “Dead” and more!

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A Nightmare on Elm Street

The fact that this remake is even a thing that exists hurts my heart in so many ways, you guys. Like, the pain is so intense, it extends backwards through time to when I was fourteen and secretly wished Freddy Krueger was my father.

This makes it extremely hard to consider anything about the movie with objectivity. Some look at this poster and see a clean design that uses our familiarity with the franchise’s iconography to effectively convey its intended message.

I, on the other hand, see the purity of my youth ripped out of my chest cavity and stomped on by a 500-pound accountant wearing a shirt that says “Greed is Good.” In other words – and because everything is about me always – this poster is a personal affront to my love of horror movies. And I suppose that feeling of betrayal extends outward to the rest of the genre-lovin’ community as well, as I am a reflection of all of you and you in turn were crafted in my image (which, sorry about all the fat).

We’re all sad, is all I’m saying.

Anyway, there’s the glove, the phrase “Never Sleep Again” (which is from the cutesy/creepy jump rope song), and it looks like there’s some arterial spray going on, too. Either that or they’ve got Freddy tagging shit with some Krylon in an effort to reach the skater youth market – it’s not entirely clear (though I wouldn’t put it past them… they had Freddy rapping at one point, remember). For a desecration of our collective memories, it’s at least not out-of-focus and cluttered like some of these posters get. Were it used in to market the original film, it might be hanging over my couch as I type this. But it’s essentially a tool of evil, like Joe Camel or fruity-flavored Smirnoff Ices, and thus it can just go fuck right off.

We dissect the posters for the new Romero, Ryan Reynolds in a box, and much more – after the jump!

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Survival of the Dead

It KILLS me to have to say this, but George Romero needs to just stop. He has officially beaten the horse to death, reanimated it, and then shot it in the head. Not to mention the fact that he hasn’t… you know… technically made a movie of any real quality since Monkey Shines, and Monkey Shines wasn’t even that good. [Editor's note: On behalf of sponge-bath enthusiasts everywhere, I firmly disagree]

Maybe I’m just being a sacrilegious hater. All I know is that Diary of the Dead made me both motion-sick and wistful for a time when I hadn’t yet seen Diary of the Dead.

At any rate, it appears that Romero has made another “Dead” movie. This one is about, I don’t know, survival or something. Maybe it will be like Man vs. Wild but with zombies. The poster certainly isn’t giving us any hints. In fact, the poster couldn’t be any more generic if it was just a white background with black lettering that stated, “George Romero Has Made Another Zombie Movie.” Oh wait a minute… the middle zombie is reaching out towards us… that doesn’t mean this is going to be in 3D, does it? Because I officially got over that trend around the time the Internet was trying to make “Release the Kraken” happen as a catchphrase. While there was a time in my life where the thought of a zombie getting splattered in all three dimension would have appealed to me greatly, that time has sadly passed.

Hm… a little research has shown that Survival of the Dead is NOT in 3D. Soooo… the zombie on the poster is just… what… “gonna get ya?” That’s dumb. This movie is dumb.

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The Human Centipede

The trailer and various clips for The Human Centipede made me want to invent a new kind of shower that could scour all the evil out of my soul, so I guess the poster shouldn’t be any different. Seriously, ew. Times a million. And this is coming from a guy who once watched Cannibal Holocaust while eating a full spaghetti dinner.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I WANT to see The Human Centipede… but I want to see it for the same reasons that the Faces of Death videos were so popular back in the day (Side Note: you can rent those on Netflix now… how is THAT okay?).

I guess the thing that’s most interesting about the poster… aside from the fact that it appears to have been photographed in my shower… is the tagline at the bottom that proclaims it “100% Medically Accurate.” I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on that statement. It’s not so much that I doubt its authenticity; it’s more that I just really, really don’t want it to be true. I’d like to visit Europe some day and I’m ALREADY scared to death of hostels, the canals in Venice (because I might see a little girl in a red raincoat running around), Wicker Man cults, coven-based ballet schools, and getting locked in a  room with Uwe Boll. Having to put “waking up with some random Belgian dude stitched to my butthole” on this laundry list o’ terror might cancel my travel plans for good.

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Suicide Girls Must Die!

I don’t think I’m the right audience for the whole Suicide Girls thing, which is odd considering me and porn are usually like this. I mean, I see the appeal of nudity involving non-traditional models, all tatted up and pierced and whatnot -in theory, it’s fine. In actual application, though, when I look at the output of the Suicide Girls studios, all I can think about is heavy metal roadies jerking off. And believe me, that is NOT an image you want all up in your headspace. Unless of course you’re INto heavy metal roadies jerking off… everything is someone’s fetish… but that’s beside the point.

What I’m trying to say is that I get what the Suicide Girls are about on an abstract level, but on a much more real, tangible level they skeeve me out like nobody’s business. I bet they all smell like cigarettes and Manic Panic.

Oh right, the poster! Yeah, so the Suicide Girls are in a movie now. A slasher movie, which makes perfect sense and is also entirely gross for a variety of reasons. Them dipping their toe-ring-bedecked feet into the horror pool makes me uncomfortable because it further muddies the waters that are already dirty enough thanks to Rob Zombie‘s greasy hair, not to mention the collective funk that’s been sluicing off the Saw franchise for the last few years.

Also, way to take the ONE appealing thing about your whole deal (hot chicks, fyi) and feature only really tiny, Student ID-sized pictures of them on your movie poster. If this one-sheet attracts anyone, it’ll be collage enthusiasts. And nobody likes collage enthusiasts. (They have sticky hands.)

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Buried

I know this may not seem like anyone’s traditional idea of a horror movie, but it so is… particularly if you’re a raging claustrophobe such as my self. The thought of being buried alive in any context makes me want to make small cuts with a razor on the inside of my thigh until my brain switches off. And that’s the WHOLE movie!!!

Just Ryan Reynolds in a box, freaking out about being buried alive. I’m seriously not going to be able to watch this movie because it might kill me; my heart is clogged with rich dairy products and Milk Duds residue and can’t take that kind of stress. Just looking at the poster kind of makes me want to boot,  and I don’t even like it because it’s that pseudo-arty, shaky-frame thing that horror movies do now when they’re not really scary so they just shoot for overly busy. I hate that. But I hate the concept of being buried alive even more, to the point where I’m thinking of tracking down the director of Buried and asking him why he wants to make me cry.

This movie does have the whole Ryan Reynolds thing going for it, though. I do like him, as does the CampBlood nation, I gather. He’s definitely on my “I’m Not, But If I Were” list (along with George Clooney, Jon Hamm, Hugh Laurie, and Breakfast Club-era Judd Nelson, which adds a time machine into this already hypothetical scenario, but whatever… my list, my rules).

I just get the sense that Ryan Reynolds knows a lot about how to fix a car, and would probably offer to buy the first round. I bet if we were trapped in a box together and I was totally losing my shit, he’d say funny things from Van Wilder to calm me down. And I would get calm. He’s soothing like that. Hey, remember when he was in the fat suit lipsynching to “I Swear” in Just Friends? I totally love him.


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