Poll: Is “Piranha 3-D” Worth Risking Bedbugs?

poster_piranha-3dCan bedbugs swim?

I have a problem, kids. See, I’ve actually been secretly looking forward to the release of Piranha 3-D like some people look forward to the next Harry Potter book. It just looks so wonderfully awful – gore, bad jokes, tons of idiotic Spring Break teens, Henry from Party Down and of course The Shue. Plus, it totally reminds me of that scene from Muppets Take Manhattan where that freaky guy throws boomerang fish at a 3-D killer fish movie screening and everybody spazzes out.

“Are we having fun yet?”

I was banking on the fact that it might be this summer’s Orphan or even – dare I say it – this year’s Deep Blue Sea.

And now my anticipation has been transformed into the worst set of gorehound blueballs I’ve had since they yanked Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 from wide release after running those AMAZING “Lady of the Lake” commercials for it on TV back in 1986.

Here’s why.

Folks, I watch a lot of horror movies. And to be frank, very few of them actually frighten me. Bring on the guts and the psychos and the nasty critters – I’m in it for the ride, not the fear.

But you know what does scare me? Bedfuckingbugs.

In case you didn’t know it, New York City is in the midst of a bedbug crisis. They’re popping up everywhere. I have 4 close friends – all of whom live in completely different parts of the city – who have had them. The only thing that these people have in common is that the experience nearly RUINED THEIR LIVES.

And now a movie theater in which I have clocked countless hours – seriously, we’re talking in the hundreds, here – closed this week to spray for an infestation. SHIVERSHIVEROMGI’MGONNABARF. And reports are saying that there have been bedbug movie theater incidents reported around the city for months now.

So here’s my quandary: Is seeing what is reportedly the awesomest horror movie of the summer worth the risk of a potential parasitic infestation that might drive me into the nuthouse? It’s not like the cost of a movie ticket isn’t high enough as it is!

And also, someone should totally make Bedbugs 3-D. That shit would keep me awake nights.

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About Buzz

Buzz created CampBlood.org in 2003 to meet a need for a safe place for weirdos of all stripes to discuss horror movies from a queer perspective. Now that the campers have overtaken the Camp staff and locked them in the Arts & Crafts cabin he is questioning that decision.