For many of us, staying fit (or even trying to) can be a nightmare of Cravenian proportions. So it shouldn’t be surprising that horror movies – for whom blood, sweat and tears are stock-in-trade – should have a longstanding fascination with physical fitness.
Be it bench-pressing, aerobics or competitive sports, physical exercise is a great way to show off your cast’s assets before you slice them to ribbons. And after all, what’s more tragic than the image of a strong, healthy body cut down in its prime? Join us for a tour of the hottest – and deadliest! – locker rooms of the horror movie genre.
Just don’t drop the soap!
1. Happy Birthday to Me
In this kickass Canadian slasher, one of the early kills involves a bench-pressing hottie and a very poorly placed weight. Ouchies!
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
It’s only fitting that the two classic workout scenes from “the MTV Freddy movie” should be defined by the music that plays during them. In one, Brooke Theiss is bench-pressing weights to Sinead O’Connor‘s “Put Your Hands on Me”. In the other, Andras Jones beats the hell out of a punching bag to Dramarama‘s sublime “Anything, Anything”. Bliss.
Eight more, after the jump! (Note: A few pics/clips mildly NSFW)
The Demons 2 fitness freaks
3. Demons 2
One of the best subplots in this goofy trapped-in-a-high-security-building-with-bloodthirsty-demons horror extravaganza is the bizarrely aggro group of fitness freaks who try to save themselves from the demonic horde in full workout regalia. Feel the burn!
4. Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide)
Unfortunately, this movie really kinda sucks. But with a name that awesome (both of them!) and a handful of hilariously bad aerobics scenes (and a few homoerotic moments) it DEMANDED mention.
5. I Know What You Did Last Summer
I guess the bulk of this clip is technically post-workout, but who cares? Nothing quite like seeing Ryan Phillippe wander around an abandoned locker room wearing nothing but a towel. Big thanks to gay screenwriter Kevin Williamson for throwing us this particular bone(r).
Empty gymnasium in the middle of the night. Sadistic gay gym coach. Fey leading boy forced to shower whose inner demon isn’t into light bondage. ‘nuf said.
Let us never forget, children, that this:
Which leads to this:
7. Fear No Evil
One of the hottest messes of the demonic/Satanic possession subgenre, ’80s relic Fear No Evil also belongs to the subgenre that I like to call “Jockstrap Horror”: movies where most of the terror revolves around gym class. Boasting the best dodgeball scene this side of … well, Dodgeball, Fear No Evil also features the school bully picking on our anti(Christ)hero by … kissing him in the shower? That’ll learn him!
8. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Rocky and his trainer
Rocky Horror not only features various scenes of titular himbo Rocky polishing his physique, but also happens to be the only entry on the list that features an entire musical number about the male muscular ideal. “Oh, honey!”
9. Fatal Games
Despite boasting Olympic hopefuls, gratuitous Sally Kirkland and a bona fide tranny killer, Fatal Games is still a big piece of shit.
“One more word out of you and I’m gonna knock you down, do you understand me?” Betty Buckley, you are such a magnificent BITCH.
11. American Psycho
I’ll just let this one speak for itself, as it essentially sums up everything that I find important in life: Horror movies, fitness, exotic produce, and Christian Bale‘s sweaty, near-naked body.
12. Monkey Shines
I’ve written at length already about Jason Beghe‘s bare-butt stretching routine and ill-fated early-morning jog in George Romero‘s underappreciated Monkey Shines before, so I’ll let these pics speak for themselves.
That’s our top 12 of cardiovascular chaos, but there are plenty more out there to celebrate. Do you have a horror movie workout scene that gets your heart rate racing?
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