Before I get into this, I’d like to quickly revisit my track record with the recent remakes of classic horror movies.
Friday the 13th? Hated it.
Halloween and Halloween II? Hated ‘em.
Dawn of the Dead? Meh.
Black Christmas? Don’t even fucking get me started.
The Hills Have Eyes? Yawn.
The Fog? Shit sandwich.
House of Wax? Laaaaaaaaaaame…
The Omen? Stab me in the face.
In fact, the only remakes of bygone flicks that I haven’t wanted to puke blood on were The Toolbox Murders, The Crazies, The Wolfman, My Bloody Valentine 3-D, Sorority Row and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And let’s face it, a few of those weren’t really very good to begin with.
So it might go without saying that I approached viewing the recent remake of the post-slasher classic A Nightmare on Elm Street with extremely low expectations.
Not low enough, though!
For me, the 2010 Nightmare might actually be the worst remake of a major franchise yet. Not because of the liberties it takes with the source material (of which there are several) or because of the general lack of innovation demonstrated by the filmmakers (of which there is plenty), but because it commits a crime that, in genre cinema terms, very nearly places it in the loathsome ranks of its own kiddie-fiddling villain:
It’s boring as shit.
For a genre film rooted in a patently ludicrous premise (i.e., a lynch-mobbed pedophile hunts down the kids who ratted him out and murders them in their dreams), Nightmare takes itself way the eff too seriously. Lacking every shred of the wicked wit that made the original film take root in the psyches of a generation, it is a humorless, dull slog through territory already well-tread by about a hundred Lifetime revenge movies (and there’s hardly even any more blood).
Robbing Nightmare of its macabre glee is like robbing dreams of their slippery magic … and doing either robs us of a decent movie.
Kellan Lutz
We start this particular nightmare in a diner (which is at least evocative of the diner where Alice works in The Dream Master), where underwear model Kellan Lutz is having his considerable assets completely wasted under grunge garb. He falls asleep and wakes in what is clearly a nightmare to wander through the diner kitchen, which is filled with pig heads. (What, is his character vegetarian? Or Muslim?) After waking he has cursory exchanges with blond, beleaguered Kris (Harper’s Island‘s Katie Cassidy) and brunette, beleaguered Nancy (Rooney Mara) before nodding off again and stabbing himself in the neck with a steak knife that, had Nancy not been a lousy friend and a lousier waitress, should have been cleared from his table after his first psychotic outbreak.
Anyway.
Katie Cassidy, Thomas Dekker and Rooney Mara wait for something to happen
In this version of Nightmare, several things are different: 1) Nancy has no hottie policeman father; 2) The “Elm Street Kids” aren’t really even friends; 3) The kids Freddy is stalking are the actual children he molested years ago; and, most importantly:
4) Freddy is hella short.
Seriously, guys? We’re supposed to be afraid of this little guy? Even Katie Cassidy towers over him. This is more like a remake of Leprechaun than Elm Street.
Anyway.
What ensues and eventually ends (or, in the tradition of the original, kind of doesn’t) is about as exciting and as visually stimulating as a car commercial. A few of the memorable kills (the jail death, Tina’s Wacky Wall-Walker routine) are recreated but oddly muted (Cassidy’s wall-bouncing – while acrobatic – does nothing to match the gruesome blood-crawl punch of the original). Everyone mumbles their lines, Kyle Gallner perpetually looks like he just ate a bug, and multiple missed opportunities are noted.
Kyle Gallner ate another bug
Take, for example, the swim meet scene. This is a Nightmare movie, right? So when we see a pool, we get excited for something fun and weird and awesome (like the bizarre diving board nightmare from The Dream Child, only … not as cheesy).
What do we get? 10 minutes of pasty Gallner swimming, getting suddenly yanked underwater, and coming to poolside. What?! Why bother to give your killer the ability to bend reality and rebuild his victims’ mental landscapes when you’re never going to take advantage of it? In this version Freddy’s only powers seem to be the ability to pop up behind people and hang out in a boiler room that, in this version of the story, HAS NO REASON FOR BEING THERE (there’s no boiler room in the nursery school and Freddy is killed in a warehouse – am I missing something?).
In fact, the only remotely scary moment of this movie was when Kris uncovered a box of photos from her childhood and I noticed that the box was marked “First Grade – 1997″. HOLY SHIT I’M OLD.
“Bud… Wei … Ser”
There are very few things to recommend about this extra-molesty “reimagining” of the original – which, I might add, comes across as even more clever than I had initially realized for its deft ability to condemn Freddy as a pedophile without directly connecting him to the heroes, although it’s definitely implied. Newly-designed Freddy looks like a cross between the Bud Light iguana and a piece of chewed gum. Dropping Nancy as the protagonist for the first half of the movie (which plays out more like vignettes) does nothing to endear her, and her fuzzy, inward characterization does even less (Mara should make a great Lisbeth Salander, though).
In the end, this Nightmare is more of a nap. Pointless, littered with logical lapses and staggeringly uninteresting, it might actually be the worst of the remakes so far. (Yes, even worse than Rob Zombie’s Halloweens, and after all my spouting off about them!) If you haven’t seen this stinker yet, before you add it to your Netflix queue you may want to take the movie’s own advice: “Don’t let them put you to sleep.”
RATING (OUT OF 5):
NONE
A Nightmare on Elm Street is rated “R” for horror violence, harm to short people and the most nonsensical use of a video blog in movie history.
it’s really that bad.
I am so glad to hear that someone else hated this film as much as I did.
I had no plans to see it, but I do have a soft spot for Kyle Gallner from Veronica Mars. Netflix? maybe…
He’s much better-used in Haunting in Connecticut and Jennifer’s Body, IMHO. (Neither of those is great, either, but both are better than this!) And for whatever reason, although this came out this week on DVD Netflix isn’t carrying it until November. Maybe they’re waiting for the stink to clear?
I think this movie is one of those that falls under the rule that it can’t be released by Redbox and Netflix until 28 days after the DVD/Bluray release. It supposedly has something to do with boosting DVD sales.
Well- I haven’t seen this yet, but after reading this I might as well take a pass.
I’m so tired of all these remakes/reboots… Its just sickening.
They almost ALL suck, and are just really so pointless. I guess they’re working their way through re-making every horror film ever made.
Friday the 13th: This made me mad. Hated it.
Halloween: Why oh why? This made me MAD. HATED the first one. Will never watch the second.
Dawn of the Dead: Ugh… Why even try?
Black Christmas: Train-wreck of AWFUL!!
I actually kinda enjoyed the Chainsaw Massacre remake though. It was well shot, and Jessica Beal made a great lead.
And the “My Bloody Valentine” remake was surprisingly fun. Some neat changes from the original.
But I really do wish they’d just leave these old movies be. Thankfully, so far no one has had the nads to touch the Exorcist (although lets face it, its only a matter of time). And I’ll be really bummed if they ever actually go through with the much-threatened Suspiria remake.
Oof – I forgot about MBV 3-D, which I liked as well – and Sorority Row as well. Added – thanks! And I didn’t even bother to mention the April Fool’s Day or Prom Night remakes because even I have standards, k?
HA!!! I was thinking the same thing…
The “Last House On The Left” remake was pretty good too. Except for the ridiculous last scene which was completely out of place with the more serious tone of the rest of the movie.
Again with the yes! Damn, I hadn’t realized I reviewed all these on my old blog and had forgotten to add to the reviews page – thanks! It’s so creepy to see the guy who played Krug (hottie Garrett Dillahunt) playing “goofy dad” on Raising Hope now, ain’t it?
I haven’t seen Raising Hope- but it does seem weird that he’d be playing a goofy dad in a comedy. He seems more suited to creepy or vacant roles. His psycho character on Deadwood, or the emotionless robot on Sarah Connor Chronicles.
Thank god someone else hated this. At least old pizza face in the earlier films had the decency to lay on some cheese. This one just stinks to high heaven…
Add I spit on your grave to the lame remake file.
I don’t know if you made it up or not, but the “OH NOES” thing is pretty damn clever!
I did, and as a lover of horrible puns I was actually very proud of it – so, thank you!
I Love Kyle Gallner and Johnny Depp !!!!
they are sooo sexy and those movies are awesome !!!! and i loved the new nightmare on elm street and the old one with johnny Depp 
and they both where awesome and that you guys really need to shut up becuase if you guys dont know how to respect other peoples films or movies then back off !!! 
becuase those movies are awesome !!!! 
i love those movies and yeah the new freddy kruger stinks but jackie did an awesome job as freddy but i love robert england as freddy kruger and robert england will always be my favorite freddy kruger no matter what !!!! so people back off and have a nice day !!!! Thanks
Ugh, I hated this fucking movie. Nancy was so boring and listless. At least try to appear frightened as mini-Freddy chases you! Was she channeling Kristen Stewart? After the first loud noise/jump scare all the rest just pissed me off.
I was thinking the same thing about the boiler room- where the Hell did it come from in this movie?! Or the knife glove? They didn’t have anything to do with the new plot changes!
The change of Freddy from a seriel murderer to a child molester working in a daycare could have worked miracles to enlived this franchise. But instead of following through with the “New” Freddy, they immediately throw all the new material out the window and stick to old tropes and mine all the previous movies for the best material. Why bring back the boiler room when an old, dilapidated daycare could have offered such an original (and creepier!) world for Freddy to inhabit.
I’m not necessarily against remakes; I’ve seen some I really liked (The Ring, The 1970′s Body Snatchers, even… Rob Zombie’s Halloween). In those films there was at least something NEW in the retelling or the presentation. But it seems more often than not remakes just plain laziness or greed on the part of production companies. This feels like one of these films- there is nothing new offered, it can’t stand on its own, and it pisses off all the old fans.
lol!! I thought the exact same thing about the photo box.
I saw it this last Saturday night: total snooze fest
Wow, I don’t think anyone could have said it better. I’m a huge horror movie fan. Jason, Michael Myers, and Freddy are, like, my GOD(s). I was already disappointed with a remake of the 13th, which (thankfully) I barely even remember now. I saw bits and pieces of Rob Zombie’s Halloween and that was enough to steer me away for good, but Freddy- he’s always been my favorite. So, even though I had very low expectations for this movie especially because of the lack of Englund, I gave it the benefit of the doubt. I should have left it at my low expectations because this must have been the dullest Freddy I’ve ever seen. Where’s the humor? Freddy was funny. He didn’t shell out these one liners like the new guy. “Now this is what I call a wet dream”???? Anyone else hear a cricket? Freddy was also tall and had some charm to him before and after his death. It looks like they pulled this guy right out Silicon Valley. Where’s his keyboard? The makeup is a joke. I thought he looked like Kermit, the frog. His “scary” voice gives me a headache. It’s very slow, deep, and annoying. He’s flat as hell. Englund’s Freddy didn’t sound like a robot when he spoke. Speaking of SPEAKING. Does this Freddy really ever speak? Old Freddy was quite the conversationalist. This guy must lack communication skills.
The other actors were just as subpar. I guess if you’ve never seen a Nightmare on Elm Street movie in your entire life, you MIGHT rate this as you’re typical C list horror flick.
I give it a Z-