What I learned from Rob Zombie’s “Halloween II”

halloweenmichaelSchool me, bitch.

Show of hands: Who has seen Rob Zombie’s Halloween II? Great – both of you can retire to the study for fruit and dessert, and Sheri Moon thanks you for her new skull-shaped jacuzzi.

Now, for the rest of you: This post is a gamble. Because really, who the fuck am I, certifiable horror movie fan and fly-by-night film critic, to try and distill the Genius of Visionary Director Rob Zombie into mere words? I know, I know – I may as well try to kiss the rain. But seeing as how I finally saw the movie yesterday after a minor medical issue kept me out of the theater for a week (nothing serious, just a brief but fleeting flare-up of common sense and taste), I have the need to write something – anything – about what is truly a work of horror filmmaking unlike any other.

Thus, I will attempt to condense the sprawling, Visionary (or did I already use that word? Darn press notes!) work into a set of wisdoms that I gleaned from bearing witness to its raw power. Think of them as Blood-soaked Beatitudes, or maybe Tuesdays with Zombie. Conversely, if you are faint of heart, spoiler-averse or one of those people who are going to defend this movie against all odds, you might want to turn away now, lest this be cause for a scene.

And so begins …. What I Learned from Rob Zombie’s Halloween II

halloweensheri

1. Somebody got the Twin Peaks box set for Christmas!!

2. “Darkness” as a theme is best realized as “underlit”.

3. “Intensity” is the same thing as “loudness”.

4. “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!” is not simply an expletive repeated over and over. It’s called dialogue, fuckface.

5. If you feel that your audience is too stupid to understand some of the most basic and overused symbolism in film (i.e., a woman in a white dress with a white horse), explain it to them in a title card at the beginning of the movie. They won’t feel insulted or anything.

halloweenscout

6. Haddonfield, IL has a channel that plays nothing but The Moody Blues‘ “Nights in White Satin” video over and over.

7. ALL WOMEN ARE EITHER DESERVING VICTIMS OR FOUL, CONTAMINATING WHORES.*

8. It’s okay to pad an already overlong movie with standalone scenes of nameless characters with no connection to anything or anyone else, and who all look and talk exactly alike. Hell – Japanese movies do it all the time, right?

9. Scout Taylor-Compton has two settings: “Unwashed” and “Shrill”.

halloweendourif

10. Brad Dourif is trying. (I’m being serious here. He really is.)

11. Haddonfield lays claim to more hot tattooed women who are willing to get topless in public than any other small town in America. Also, it boasts a surprisingly raucous Halloween party for a small community that fell victim to a series of brutal murders just one year prior.

12. The fact that your wife’s character died in the first film doesn’t mean you can’t bring her back and give her top billing in the sequel. The solution? A white wig! (Note: That solution also works if your wife simply can’t act, or if you want to pretend that you’re having sex with Gandalf.)

13. If you don’t like how your movie is going, just start it over. Several times, even. No one will notice.

halloweenmcdowell

14. Tank Girl actually wasn’t the bottom of the barrel for Malcolm McDowell. (No, it wasn’t Milk Money, either. No, not even Pearl…)

And finally …

15. Rob Zombie has more respect for livestock than for either his characters or his audience: When he kills a cow with an ambulance in the opening scene the cow dies quietly and doesn’t then have to sit through the rest of the movie. Now that’s true mercy.

I’ll stop there. And I’m not going to actually review the movie because it’s utterly incomprehensible and I honestly want to forget I ever wasted my time seeing it in the first place.

But enough about me … what’d you two think?

RATING (OUT OF 5):

ZERO

(*or Margot Kidder.)

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Buzz created CampBlood.org in 2003 to meet a need for a safe place for weirdos of all stripes to discuss horror movies from a queer perspective. Now that the campers have overtaken the Camp staff and locked them in the Arts & Crafts cabin he is questioning that decision.