It’s that time of year: February. And with the month, it becomes commonplace for everyone to over-indulge in chocolate, talk openly about their frustration or obsession with love, draw hearts like an eighth grader in heat, and honor the child porn image of a nude flying baby named “Cupid.”
Love it or hate it, it’s Valentine’s Day on Monday!
And, since you are like me, you have not done anything to prepare for it and are scouring for things to buy for that special person (or persons or things or demons) in your life. But, as per usual, I got y’all back and I offer CampBlood’s 2K11 Valentine’s Gift Guide!
For Your Grandmother Who Loves “Surprises”: A Scary Valentine’s Sweater
If it’s one thing old people love, it’s surprise. Jumping out from behind a plant, a spring snake in a box, trick gum – you name it, they love it! It keeps them young! Applying that math, what would you get your grandmother for Valentine’s Day? She’s the woman who has everything in the world and not a desire in her body. Why, a scary-ass smiley Valentine’s sweater!! Just imagine her face as she opens the box: shock, fear, happiness, cardiac arrest. What more could an nonagenarian want on such a loving holiday??????
For Your Lover That You Are Not In-Love-With: A Night To Remember Gift Basket
When I think “A Night To Remember,” I think fireworks, I think potential disembowelment, I think winning a million dollars, I think waiting for the new Lady Gaga song to come out. But, nothing in my idea of “A Night To Remember” involves cheese straws, pretzels, chocolate covered pecans, other nuts, truffles, and fake roses.
I mean, nuts?
If you don’t want your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiancé to get frisky with you and do something memorable at night, get this for them.
For That Over Enthusiastic Horror Fan Who Shops Exclusively at Hot Topic and Is Still A Little Goth and Has Pink or Blue Hair at Forty: My Bloody Valentine Lace Tunic Tank Top
We all know this person. Hell, this person may even be reading this post. This person you know and hang out with and is fun and loves The Cure and is a little bit tooooo in love with horror movies and the color black. This person, my friends, is the Adult Goth – someone who has taken it upon him or herself to live and breath Goth lifestyle in a suburb as much as their black and dark blue hair dye will permit them. He or she dabbles in steampunk and cosplay apparel, but mostly sticks with all things melancholia and likely *feigns* devil worship. Anyway, I digress and I give you what they need for this holiday: a reconstructed lace tunic from the movie My Bloody Valentine. At $35 and handmade, you will be giving this demon lover quite a lovely trip. Go on: indulge their midlife Goth!
For Your Friend Who Embodies Everything About Cathy Guisewite’s “Cathy”: “Cupid Is The Enemy!” Mousepad
There is one person in everyone’s life who is your “Cathy.” She’s a working girl, she’s a little chubby, she’s perpetually dieting, and she usually will make subtle attempts to illustrate her frustration in singledom by saying (well, yelling) things like “ACK!!” She is pleasant enough to be around but you would have to be brain dead to mention any good, respectable Valentine’s Day plans around her, because you will be greeted with an avalanche of reasons why the holiday is awful and will be miserable for her.
Instead, do yourself a favor: commiserate with her in the break room and give her this “Cupid Is The Enemy!” mousepad. Hell – give her that and a bottle of Bailey’s and you will not hear from her for weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks.
For That Drunk Smoker You Cannot Tell If You Want To Bang Or Not and The People Who Love Him: Medium Raw: A Bloody Valentine To The World of Food and People Who Cook
Anthony Bourdain is a character. He drinks, he smokes, he curses, he eats, he sleeps… then he does it all over again. His lifestyle and brash persona have their appeal. But waking up in Bangkok smelling like stale cigarettes, hoarse as a horse, barely able to see straight, and ready to eat bugs must be a sign of a pathological self-abusive relationship.
Yet, it is entertaining to watch and – if you happen to know someone who fits this bill – entertaining to be with. It is not without its sex appeal. In Medium Raw, Bourdain follows up Kitchen Confidential with more of the same old same old – but, he regards it as his Valentine to the world of food. Whether it is that or not, this is the perfect Valentine for that “type” of person, the person who loves that “type,” or for anyone with a mouth that eats food.
For Your Worst Enemy: Raw Vegan Valentine’s Gift Basket
Literally, I am vomiting right now. Like, vomits on my computer, vomits on my shirt, vomits on my dog, vomits everywhere. A Greek chorus sings in my head:
“How dare you take the milk out of chocolate on this day of all days.
Shame, shame, shame, shame.
The horror. The horror. Fuck you, vegans.“
For Your PG-13 Excitement: Get Lucky Dice
These four little aluminum (I guess?) dice are not even going to get you close to lucky on Valentine’s Day. You are supposed to roll them and figure out ~*~sOmEtHiNg SeXy To Do~*~. However, if my math is correct, the sexiest outcome is “Rub Wild Card On Face.” Take that as you will, folks. Take that as you will.
For That 11-Year-Old Inside of You: A Hateful Valentine’s Card
In those pre-angst days of junior high school, giving cards for this holiday was THE thing to do. You could buy cool cartoon ones or toy car ones or ones with candy on it. But, you know what would have been cool? Cards with the Bride of Frankenstein telling Frankenstein to step off! Well, even though you are ten (plus) years over the age of eleven, tickle yourself and your spouse green with this card!
For That Other 11-Year-Old Inside Of You: Valentine Tattoos
Unlike the bittersweet eleven-year-old with the Frankenstein card, this eleven-year-old is – how do you say it? – a homosexual. And, by God, you can bet I will have these tattooed all over my face as soon as they come in the mail from USToy.com. That is a guarantee.
For You To Send Anonymously To That First Boyfriend Who Broke Your Heart And You Still Are Not Over Him Even Though It Has Been Over Fifteen Years And You Are Married With Two Kids: A (Fake) Bloody Heart
I imagine sending this to my first boyfriend and the reaction being akin to when undead Father, Nathan, walks out of the kitchen to screaming Richard and Cass, with Sylvia’s head on a platter in Creepshow’s “Father’s Day” bit.
Shock and awe, mother lovers. Shock and loving awe.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
For That Person You Would Kill For: Two Creepy Valentine’s Day Pillows
I stumbled upon these thinking they were “cute,” but then I really looked at them.
Firstly, who in their right mind would proudly feature these pillowcases in their bedroom? They are godawful. So embarrassing. So Things Remembered. Secondly, they are portraying horrific scenes! In the first one, a guy ripped out someone’s heart to give to this girl… but, only after he gave them both dirty Sanchez’s with blood. Disgusting!
In the second, it looks like he is sending her a message in a bottle? Look again: does that look like a message? It’s a severed fucking penis. That’s some medieval love tactics bullshit, y’all. I want nothing to do with these pillows. They absolutely frighten me.
For Anyone With Eyes: My Bloody Valentine/April Fool’s Day Double Feature
Now, come on: you did not expect for me to get through an entire horror themed Valentine’s gift guide without this movie, did you? You must be mistaken because it is a brilliant movie. And, this double feature DVD with April Fool’s Day is brilliant! You get two for the price of one and, in my opinion, both are underrated horror gems. They are nothing crazy or groundbreaking, no, but they are fun and holiday-themed.
So, get a bottle of blood red wine, cook up some rare steak, feed you and your loved one while sitting before a fireplace on a bearskin rug, and watch My Bloody Valentine this Monday.
And that, my dears, is how you celebrate Valentine’s Day.
