That’s right, kiddos – I’m here to hold your hand as we step into the deep, dark woods of Face Off‘s fairy-tale-themed finale.
So far SyFy’s first reality show competition has brought the gore, the goofs, and the gays – so why not celebrate a killer first season by joining us as we toast the winner …. whomever he or she may be.
Join us right here a few minutes before 10pm Eastern to get this shit started! Wooooooooo!
Okay, ladies, this is how this works: I’ll be updating every minute or two, so be sure to REFRESH this piece frequently to get the latest. I’ll also be monitoring the comments as real-timey as I can, so please join the fun by picking on my spelling or ridiculing my sexual prowess. Or even commenting on the show. Whatever trips your trigger.
Let’s do this!
That’s my shit.
9:44PM - Okay, here I am, sitting on the couch with an Aperol spritz (mix Aperol aperitif, sparkling wine, and a little seltzer, and prepare for your life to be changed forever), two overweight cats and a ten-year-old girl jumping up and down on my bladder in anticipation for this show. Even the back-alley abortion I just saw performed on “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on American Idol can dampen my anticipation of this finale!!
So what are you kids drinkin’? And why is there no red carpet for this shit??
9:50PM - I just noticed that SyFy (pronounced “siffy”) already has casting info on their website for a Season 2, including open casting calls in early April in NY and LA. Sweet! Fingers crossed that Frank applies again.
9:58PM – This is seriously the only way you’re going to get me to watch more than 3 second of any of these fucktarded Ghost Hunter shows. The only exception of course being Paranormal State, but that’s due to two small words: Chip. Coffey.
And maybe it’s just me, but I’m kind of praying that tonight’s fairy tale theme brings us something on par with this:
But maybe that’s just me.
10:03 – Recappage of the season – the challenges! The drama! The Battle of the Bettie Page bangs! All the eliminees, in order!
In voiceover, Mackenzie tells them that they have to recreate TWO fairy tale characters. Well that was quick! We’re not even through the credits yet…
Okay, who wants to call this bitch? I’m TEAM GAYGE all the way, but my money may be on Conor. His choices are safer, but he’s solid.
10:07 – Gage grew up in a trailer in a junkyard. Ohhhh! Brooklyn Yeti wants to buy a crib for his girlfriend, or something. Can’t she just sleep in a bed? Conor acknowledges that his concepts are weak – YES! Sam (remember her?) acknowledges that she’s been in the middle.
Okay, THEY don’t know that they’re doing fairy tale characters yet. Mackenzie – hot as ever – breaks the news to them and tells them not to hold back. She reveals the fairy tales: Hansel and Gretel, The Little Mermaid, The Frog Prince, Sleeping Beauty, and Little Red Riding Hood. They also have to pick themes – Post-Apocalyptic, Outer Space, Jelly-Filled, Sprinkles, and Boston Creme, or some shit – too much information!
Sam: Little Mermaid and Psychadelic
Brooklyn Yeti: Little Red and Post-Apocalyptic
Gage: Hansel and Gretel and Industrial
Conor: The Frog Prince and Haunted
They will unveil their creations at a cocktail party. Atta girl!
10:11: Anyone else tired of seeing the pig-nose illustration that they use for every challenge? Okay, Brooklyn Yeti‘s concept is …. elaborate. With guns. Not sure how I feel about that. Sam might be onto something with the split-fin thing. Conor is going for the actual frog transformation. Gage wants Hansel and Gretel to have some edge. Hmm….
Kahlua and cream? You go, Nyssa!
Conor’s backdrop is the most traditional, which is a surprise to absolutely no one. Tate’s is … icy and industrial? Okay…
They have three days and they’re already panicking. BUT WAIT!
Mackenzie comes along to poop on all their faces with some silly twist. Any guesses? “Oh – and by the way, your models will be LEGLESS CHILDREN!”
10:13 – OMG, y’all, those Insidious trailers … I gotta say, these commercials make it out to be waaay more intense than it is. That said, it’s kinda white hot – full review coming soon!
10:16 - Okay the twist is….
They’re bringing back old contestants to help them, as assistants. PLEASE REUNITE TEAM GAY!!!
10:19: Tate picks Tom, then Gage picks … Marcel! Yaaaaaaaay! It’s like gay Christmas!!! Sam picks both Jo and Megan, which sounds like a recipe for heavy-banged disaster to me.
Gage picked Jessica because she can beat a face. Smart pick, lady! My pal Anthony Pepe (hey, Pepe!) is on Tate’s team working on wolf legs.
Um … Conor’s Frog Prince looks kind of … erm …. Rocky Dennis. I know, I’m going to hell.
10:23 – Tate is of course making a werewolf when one of the judges has designed for and directed werewolf movies. Oops. Gage’s candy-faced Gretel design sounds kind of like the bulemic girl’s death from Nightmare 5 – which I LOVE. The judges seem impressed by his creativity as well. Ooooooh!
Also, I should take this moment to note that I adore Patrick WhathisGreekname. He’s been very supportive and positive this whole season, and I dig that.
Pig-nose again! Ugh. It’s like watching Penelope on repeat forever:
Christina Ricci in Penelope
UH-OH – did Tate lose a mold?
10:28 – Aaaaand we’re back, after a Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen ad. I’m with you, Ito – not sure how I feel about that.
Tate says that it’s lucky that he sculpted “ambiguous legs”, which happens to have been my nickname in college.
The whole gang chills at the loft. Can Gage really be this easygoing and balanced and positive? He hasn’t gotten nasty or anything this whole season. He has to have some dark secret. I know – I bet he Ferias. Meanwhile, Conor says he just came to win, not to create.
Back at the workroom, Jo and Megan talk about doing lines, but not the kind you think. Tate talks about making his gun. Gun? Really? I’m really not on-board with his concept.
Oh hey, Frank! He’s wearing his best PJ Soles hat from Carrie, but that doesn’t make me like him any more than I do, which is not.
Gage seems to be managing his team well.
Conor’s Frog Prince head is a disaster because of foam bubbles. Ouch. Sad-face:
10:37 - Ugh why why WHY am I still looking forward to Suckerpunch when every other Zak Snyder movie has been a shitshow? Yes, I am talking to you, OWLS OF GAFUCKINGHOOLE!
Yes, Conor is not happy. Can he make it work?
Mad end-of-day-2 scramble!
Day 3 is Appalacian Day, which means they’ll be singing lots of folk songs. Sorry – that’s Application Day. My bad!
Gage is really having no drama here. Please let it go well!
OMG, Conor’s model is priceless. He’s all nodding in a skullcap. These models all look miserable, actually. Oh – Tate’s wolf head is nice. Hmm…
10:42 - Last looks! Their backdrops look like some unseen wing of the Natural History Museum. So the models are just gonna have to stand there while everyone else has sassy cocktails? Ha! Hugs all around, and then they let in the crowd. How does one get invited to something like this, I wonder? Many of the guests are former judges.
Gage tells folks that in his version, the kids don’t get away. Good god, it’s terrifying! It’s really fucked up – Hansel is in the witch’s stomach? I really likey.
Tate’s is very Underworld meets The Thing meets Grindhouse (right, Ito!).
Sam’s is … pretty? Eh. It’s not terribly interesting, unfortunately. I do like her!
Conors just looks a bit … muddy? I mean, the witch is LITERALLY muddy, but overall there’s not much punch.
Alright, I call Gage. His was definitely the strongest and most viscerally engaging.
10:46 - What do you kids think? Gage FTW, right? I mean, EWW:
Nyssa – I have a feeling that reality shows are just way cheaper to produce than scripted, hence the new lineup. Which sucks, but in this case it resulted in an unexpected gem! I’m secretly kind of hoping that SyFy buys Scream Queens from VH1 (where it never belonged anyway) and gives it an upgrade. That show was AMAZEBALLS.
Y’all, I totally spilled Aperol in my laptop, so if you smell burning hair, that’s my merkin going up in flames.
10:50 - Judges! They really seem to be in love with Gage’s design and concept. Conor’s is well-executed, but as Udo Kier would say in a GAP ad, “Everysing brown!” I’m sorry, I’m not getting the “haunted” element, and overall it’s a bit washed-out:
Sam’s just didn’t really gel. The backdrop outshone her designs. The triangle of pink on the mermaid face is a sticking point for them as well as me (as well as the Nazis).
Ah, Hannah - my favorite bartender is OBSESSED with the Machine Girl movies! If you’re ever in Alphabet City be sure to visit Mona’s.
Patrick of course likes Tate’s design, because it looks like it came out of an Underworld movie. They all seem to like it. Hmm.
Ve just cussed! I LOVE HER.
10:53 – Okay, so after the judges’ deliberation, who do you think is gonna take this bisnatch? I still think Gage should take it.
10:55 – The judges are very complementary to all the contestants, and really – they all deserve it. Kudos all around. They’ve made this show a blast to watch, every week.
They eliminate the first person ….
Saw that one coming. Love her, but it wasn’t her strongest work. Keep it real, lady!
10:56 – Nyssa, The Real Housewives of Haddonfield or Crystal Lake Shore would be amazing, right?
10:59 - And the winner of Face Off is….
Wait, first Glenn wants to be sure they all know he loves them.
Winner – Conor.
I can has 100,000 dollar-menu cheezburger?
Alright, fine. I disagree on THIS challenge, but overall I think he was quite strong. I think in the end the judges went for the safe bet rather than the forward-thinker.
STILL TEAM GAYGE ALL THE WAY!!
11:01 – Alright, that’s it for this old queen. Thanks to you kids for joining and keeping me company, and thanks to SyFy for bringing us this new gem, and thanks to Gage Hubbard for delivering a kickass design in the final challenge – that witch is seriously the most disturbing thing that I saw in the entire competish. We love you, kiddo!
An’ I’m through…
Oh wait, one more thing – even with the fabulous Gage and Marcel on the show, can we all agree that Face Off‘s Gayest Moment is Tate’s expression in this screengrab currently on the SyFy site?