Tail from the Crypt: Hart Bochner from “Terror Train”, “Urban Legends 2″ and more

Hart Bochner was, and further developed into, a sweet piece o’ dumb-ass meat. I use dumb-ass lightly; he’s sorta got this jocky, smarmy, sexy-bad-actor vibe – and I don’t mean “badboy”, I just mean bad. actor. But he’s not actually that bad. He just tends to come off a bit smarmy. And jocky. And kinda dumb. His horror credits, though, with those eyes and those lips, had some of us on our knees from the first time we saw him…

As a young’n, one of Hart’s first roles was a great choice for a resume-building ingenue: he co-starred in 1980′s Terror Train, one of a few post-Halloween Jamie Lee Curtis vehicles, as smart-ass, gorgeous collegiate jock Manley (’nuff said), who started the whole tranny-killer mess from the prologue and indirectly got errybody killed on that damn train party. I say, sly move; way to get your name out there into the genre, sexy, swaggerin’ pardner.

(But what the fuck was with that tranny? Read our full review over here.)

Here’s the boy in 1980:

Tranny Claw! Or Jamie Lee's? Same thing.

Twenty years later, Bochner would return to the horror genre – only not as a student, but as a professor: a fucking hot-as-hell smirkaholic film school prof by the name of Solomon in Urban Legends: Final Cut, a sequel even shittier than its predecessor but perhaps even more guilty-pleasure-ish…

"Really, I'm just glad to be working along the likes of Eva Mendes' titties. They're the real stars."

…And then he did some other stupid poo, like Die Hard and Bulworth and Anywhere But Here, whatever, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda…

Workin' the smarm in "Die Hard" (Not a bad look.)

But it’s Bochner’s turn in the 1988 expert thriller Apartment Zero with then-little-known Colin Firth that makes him a must-keep in the gay horror vault. (Actually, I think he’s locked up in that vault right now… lez throw away the keys, boys!) This understated, underrated, quiet, gay treat is arguably among our favorites here at the Camp. See Bochner brood and sweat and charm the pants off both sexes – including a urinal buddy, a crying drag queen, and Firth himself – as Jack Carney, this seriously mysterious hunky stranger from the deepest unknown…

Firth, Bochner, and Bochner's furry teats get close.

VERY close.

Bochner's Bulge-O-Rama

Bochner is so down and dirty sexy, we just couldn’t pass him up. He’s a definite Tail from the Crypt. Recently, he’s sorta stooped to made-for-TV-land with Debra Messing, but here’s to the man staying alive in our dreams, and so on and forth.

Wink.


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About Ross

Ross studied film at Emerson while working for indie producers, and he critiques shit from a queer POV here and @GingerBredhaus. He also produced 2015 gay horror slasher comedy YOU'RE KILLING ME and creates immersive theater in NYC.