6 Ways to Save the “Child’s Play” Reboot from the Horror Remake Curse

Alex Vincent and Chucky

News broke recently that the most beloved killer-doll franchise of the late ’80s, Child’s Play, is getting the reboot treatment. Now, I’m a big fan of the original film and think it’s pretty okay as it is, but I’m not entirely opposed to taking the paddles to the old girl and giving her a jumpstart for the next generation.

Longtime Friend of the Camp Don Mancini (the openly gay creator of the series whom we interviewed way back yonder) is attached to write and possibly direct, so it’s really our duty to help to make sure that Chucky 2.0 doesn’t fall prey to the Reboot Curse that has plagued so many of our other favorites (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, and Friday the 13th, to name a few).

So here are a few tips for the production, which we provide free of charge and with our blessings.

1. Drop Dinah Manoff onto another car

For me, the greatest single moment in the original Child’s Play is when Empty Nest‘s Manoff gets whacked in the forehead with a tiny hammer, pinwheels through a window, and falls about 5 stories onto the roof of a car. The scene was so over-the-top and so fast that it completely took me by surprise – and the way that the windows all blew out of the car at the moment of impact was the perfect punctuation mark for the movie’s shocking, excellent first kill.

I think it would be a great nod to fans of the original film to call Manoff back to reprise her role and take another tumble – maybe this time onto an SUV? Or a taco truck would work.

2. Keep it mean

The real magic of the original film is how it managed to take a fantastical and potentially goofy premise (serial killer uses voodoo to put self into doll) and make it legitimately scary. I’ll never forget the TV ads that quoted either Siskel or Ebert calling Chucky “one mean S.O.B.”, and they were right – and thankfully, according to Mancini, the reboot looks to aim to return the wisecracking plastic psycho to his dark roots. This makes me very happy.

3. For the love of God, please – NO CGI CHUCKY PARTS

One of Child’s Play‘s most charming recurring visual motifs is that of grown actors wrestling with a fucking puppet. While the temptation may be great to dispose of the complicated mechanical Chucky in favor of a digital plug-in, I pray that they keep things low-fi and therefore awesome. I would much rather watch Trilogy of Terror than Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel.

To demonstrate, here’s a classic scene where Chucky attacks Catherine Hicks, aka The Mom from Seventh Heaven:

I mean, Ruthie was a handful and all, but even she never called her mom a “stupid bitch”!

4. Set it at Christmas

In the original film the Good Guy doll is a birthday present, but if the setting were moved to Christmas, Child’s Play could actually land on two of my favorite subgenre shortlists: Killer doll movies (check) and Christmas Horror movies (double-check). There was a brief Christmas sequence in one of the later films (complete with a Santa murder – Seed of Chucky, I think?), but a full-on, Gremlins-style holiday bloodbath could be awesome.

5. American Girl Hair Salon Massacre, please

Chucky may be scary, but no dolls are more terrifying to me than those fucking American Girl monstrosities. I’d love to see Chucky go medieval on at least one of those little priss’s asses, preferably at the American Girl Store Hair Salon.

6. Full frontal male nudity

The four most beautiful words in the English language, and a guaranteed way to ensure the film’s success. (Come on – like anyone went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall for the jokes?)

So that’s my two cents – any other things you all would like to see (or not to see) in the reboot?

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About Buzz

Buzz created CampBlood.org in 2003 to meet a need for a safe place for weirdos of all stripes to discuss horror movies from a queer perspective. Now that the campers have overtaken the Camp staff and locked them in the Arts & Crafts cabin he is questioning that decision.