Campfire Tales: What’s Your Favorite Fairy Tale?

Hey hey hey, now – Bunk C, how many times have I told you not to tie the Shit Sisters to the barbecue like that? All it would take is one errant cigarette butt and they’d be tomorrow’s brisket.

Anyway, hello! And welcome to the latest installment of Campfire Tales, the feature that asks you – our beloved campers – to gather ’round the fire and share your own sick selves.

Today I thought we could talk about fairy tales. Like it or not, childhood’s dark little morality plays are everywhere these days, be it in the two new fairytale-based network series (Once Upon a Time and Grimm), big-budget movie adaptations (Red Riding Hood, several Snow Whites) or the very Grimmlike presentation of the fairy wars on True Blood.

So I thought I’d ask…

What’s your favorite fairy tale?

I’ll mention a few of my own to get the coals heated up – then I wanna hear yours!

Hansel and Gretel

Classic crazytown nightmare material. Whoever came up with the idea of a witch who lures in children with candy and fattens them up to cook later is one sick sonufabeyotch. This one’s been modernized already in the gender-bending Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby (a disappointing non-sequel to the brilliant original), Criminal Lovers (which gives it a queer spin, as well) and in Face Off contestant Gage Hubbard‘s insane (and disturbing) interpretation in the finale.

Here’s the Freeway II trailer, in case you haven’t seen it:

Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trickbaby (Home… by NakedBrotha2007

It’s also getting a serious makeover in the upcoming Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, starring Jeremy Renner and Famke Janssen (WTF?).

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

I love this fairy tale because Goldilocks is such a mooch. What kind of little brat barges into someone’s house, sits on all their chairs, eats their dinner, and then sleeps in their beds? Goldilocks is a straight-up terrorist, yo. I like the version best where the bears eat her when they get home. You mess with the bears, you get the teeth!

This one was updated (to pretty awful results, if memory serves) in the 1986 no-budget horror/comedy anthology Deadtime Stories:

So – what are your favorites?

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About Buzz

Buzz created in 2003 to meet a need for a safe place for weirdos of all stripes to discuss horror movies from a queer perspective. Now that the campers have overtaken the Camp staff and locked them in the Arts & Crafts cabin he is questioning that decision.