“Walking Dead” 2.03: Shane on You

Let me start this by saying that – for the first time in a long time – I went into this episode with a glimmer of hope because I had received an e-mail earlier in the day from Buzz with the subject, “OOOF DA, SHANE.” I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant, but I knew it had to be something good. How could that be bad??

Well, less than a minute in, I realized it is because of SHANE ZOMBEEF:

Is Shane trying to, like, make it so we don’t hate him anymore? Is he trying to make us love him? Whatever he is doing, he is getting all GI Jane at the top of the show and promising Daryl a run for his sexy money. Seriously: did you guys know he had such a body? I mean, I knew he wasn’t going to be a little twig guy, but I was impressed. And, shaved head? HELLO. I was like, “Boy, you can hate crime, gangbang me all you want: call me #23!”

(Also, seriously, what does that necklace mean???)

As you can tell, this episode is all about the Shane. He and Big Man Otis are escaping zombies still as Rick tells Lori a story. “Is Shane going to die this episode?” I ask myself. Nahhhh: he can’t. I hate him, but his being such an annoyance keeps me going. He also can’t die because Carl Button has to live, too! Otis is going to die. More on this later.

I’m just going to say this about the Sophia hunt: give it a fucking rest. You people: this is the APOCALYPSE. Some little girl who didn’t listen that you looked for for a day? Not worth it. She’s going to grow up to be a mega bitch, if she lives.

Anyway, back to things that matter: The Shane and Otis Show – on top of collapsed bleachers! Their plan is sound…until Otis fucking falls down and breaks his whatever. Idiot. But, the plan worked, as Shane was able to make it out in a double then triple hanging-out-the-window-punching-zombies-in-the-face whammy. Nice Shot(s)!

You’re two for two with me, Shane. Two for two. Don’t fuck it up!

So, about time: T-Dog and Glen make it to the rodeo of veterinarian services. One thing, off the bat: Glen and that girl Maggie – is this a love connection? I didn’t think there would be a love connection ever that wasn’t Shane and Lori’s tired ass shit. Maybe the celebration of Shane this episode will bury that hatchet!

Then, Daryl and Andrea: another love connection? Maybe? That’d be silly, almost absurdist. But, they both love guns and, if we know anything about Andrea’s love for guns, it is that it is derived from her Daddy issues, dead sister, and craving for man meat. Amirite or amirite?

The Lori and Rick scene talking about whether to keep Carl Button alive was great. This is the drama I want! Keep him alive to see people die all over or let him die to let him out of the shitty world they are in? Yes: this is the drama AMC should be giving us, not fucking looking for dumbass Sophia or going to the CDC.

Then, Carl Button comes back! He shows us he’s not that great of an actor, though. I guess that’s fine: he’s a child. But, then, SURPRISE: a seizure. Is this realistic? Any doctors reading this? A seizure, that’s fine, I get that – “his brain isn’t getting enough blood.” I get that. What I don’t get is that, with a bullet in him or whatever and them him having a seizure, he’s supposed to be all fine? That’s absurd. I feel like he just mixed up all of his insides and is now a zombie milkshake. Maybe I’m naive on doctor things, I don’t know.

OMG: Dumb man who hung himself after turning into a zombie? I love it! That was amazing. Best part of the series, followed by Daryl talking about his “itchy ass.” Then, ugh, leaving Carol to watch, Dale? Are you serious with this? WORST IDEA EVER. Her daughter sucks and her daughter came from her womb. Sheesh.

Back to T-Dog and the Arm Surgery Party! Small potatoes compared to the Glen and Maggie love connection: Glen is going to get some. But, ugh, talking about God: not how you pick up a girl, Glen! That’s how you fuck up a good thing instead of get you freak on. Haven’t you heard that you don’t talk about politics, religion, money, health, pets, business, kids, exs, and your date? Ugh. Glen. Get it together!

Rick is right: Carl Button deserves to live because he talked about the deer. The deer. ~*~aNiMaL cOrNeR~*~ by way of talking!

Onward to this LBB (Low Budget Bitch) surgery… which was made to HBB (High Budget Bitch) because Shane saved the day! Hurray! Way to go Shane!

But Otis died :|

“He wanted to make it right,” Rick said. Ummm, pardon me, but that’s a *little* insensitive, bro. Just a little. I guess he was riding on pre “My son’s gunna live!” endorphins. All thanks to Sacrificial Otis.

Dale gave Andrea her gun back. Good. Now she can stop bitching and use it however she likes. Dale thinks she’s going to suicide. Me? She’s going to use that thing to She Bop.

(s)Hot Carl Button did stabilize, Shane and Lori had a non-sexual talk, and Maggie gave Shane Otis’ clothes to wear which, of course, won’t fit well, because Shane is a 190 pound GI Jane #22….who KILLED OTIS. Guess we know who hates Shane the most now…

That’s so fucked up. And, like the Lori/Rick talk about euthanizing, THAT is the drama we need! Are you serious? Shane manifested his selfishness by shooting a fat man, setting him up to be eaten by zombies, so he could live? Love it. LOVE IT.

• Will the truth about Shane killing Otis ever come out or will he just live with the shame? He’s going to live on his shame.
Carl Button is definitely going to recover 100% because he just will. Over him.
Daryl and Andrea: will they hook up? I say we have a 45% chance.
Glen and Maggie: 75% happening. Know it.
• Andrea has her gun now and will probably not commit suicide, but maybe do something dumb like try to kill a zombie but Daryl saves her.
• Will the RV group meet up with the plantation group? Next episode or the following.
Sophia is dead. I bet they’ll leave Carol behind because she’s the only one who truly cares for that B.
• ~*~aNiMaL cOrNeR~*~ HAS to be back next week. It HAS to.

Thoughts? Concerns? Hate for Shane? Love for Shane? RIPs for Otis?

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A gay military kid who lived up and down the east coast finally decided to venture out West--and hasn't returned. With a love for horror films, champagne, short shorts, and CAPS LOCK, he spends his time writing, doing comedy, and being an assistant (oy). He has a dog and collects magazines with Lady Gaga on the cover, too.