“Walking Dead” 2.05: Crazy, Sexy, Coo– No, Just Crazy.

There are a lot of loose ends that haven’t been tied up as we inch into the halfway point of the season. I thought this episode would try to tie them up but, of course, it didn’t. Instead, crazy is just being placed on top of more crazy and tensions are rising higher and higher. The show’s motto is a mix of The Real World and Night Of The Living Dead at this point: “This is what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real… and remaining undead.”

“So, Carol has always been bald and Sophia has always been a whiney bitch (probably because of her abusive father that I forgot about).” – these were my first thoughts this episode. The second thought was, “YESSSS, TALK ABOUT WHAT LED UP TO THEIR SEX. YESSSSS.” I do enjoy the second season’s playing with these flashbacks, specifically to right after this zombie nonsense began. I like the idea of seeing what happened in between 0 Days and 28 Weeks Later, as zombies just started to emerge and people just started dealing with them. Case in point: the fire bombing of Atlanta, “dropping napalm in the streets.” That was great.  It also makes you realize tears lead to getting ass.

I forgot about this one fact (as in, “I didn’t forget, I just neglected to remember.”): Lori is quite fashionable in a skinny jeans/oversized shirt/boots way. Basically, I’m jealous of her look because I’m still mid-2000s nu-rave, tight shirt realness still. Fucking ugh. My fashion sense. Ugh. Anyway, the first smart thing Carol has said: “Who made Lori camp queen?” Yeah, no one. NO ONE.

Off to the Sophia hunt! This time, some weirdo guy (“Jimmy“) from the plantation we’ve never seen before (but is kind of cute, kind of a psychopath) and chupacabra – AND A HYUNDAI. Did anyone else notice that blatant, disgusting, “Well, we have to pay for that zombie makeup somehow…” pan over to the Hyundai? Well, it was there. Let me show you:

I feel sick.

Anyway, Glen and Maggie. “So, we still have eleven condoms,” he says. “Well, that’s still eleven minutes of my life I’m not getting back,” Maggie burns into him, going on to say she “isn’t sure if she likes him.” Poor Glen. Poor, Poor Asian Glen whose ethnicity is probably why Maggie’s hick ass isn’t into him. Sorry, Glen :(

The bro time with Shane and Rick was okay ~*~aCtOr DrAma~*~ but was ultimately kind of lame ~*~bAd AcTorY~*~, as in highly staged and “rehearsed.” I don’t want to sound like a dick (I am) but I’ve taken far too many acting classes here in Hollywood and this whole scene looked like a basic acting for the camera class with prettier people. I did like how candid Shane was and really am beginning to find him more delightful all in all, including the titty tattoo he revealed this episode. The bad acting/fake drama/hoarse voiced talking was bad because, well, the plotline was bad: it was about Sophia. Who the fuck cares? I’m with Shane: they should have moved on. They should have moved on BEFORE they both had to raise their voices to poorly act. Thank God they wandered into T-Dog‘s gri–WAIT:

DARYL WHY???????? So much :( :( :( He didn’t even eat it! That was just for fun!! So sad. Whatever. At least he rode a horse to rectify the situation:

This whole scene was an animal corner, from the fake birds to the snake that spooked the horse that led Daryl down the hill into a bloody wet t-shirt contest. While the tearing off of his sleeves was great (and sexy) it was ultimately the most absurd thing I have ever heard of because he uses them to apply pressure/a tourniquet to his torso. I know its just to apply pressure but knowing his dumbass and how it was presented it was definitely a tourniquet, which stands to cut off circulation to a wounded part of the body, AKA THE BOTTOM HALF OF HIS BODY. That was just absurd…ALMOST AS ABSURD AS HIM FALLING BACK DOWN THE HILL AGAIN (LIKE A PUSSY).

Man: Glen and Lori gossip pact. YES.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~DRAaAaaAAaaAAAAAaaAAAaMaaaAaaAa~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I love it. “I just had a long talk with Shane,” Rick says to Lori as she about vomits that baby up on him, “He wants to call off the search for Sophia.” Ha! Yes, they should do that; but, the look on Lori’s face! Great. Love that. L O V E that. Unfortunately, that moment was cut off by another Plantation “Who Are You?” little girl (Beth). Are these people the chupacabra? At this point in the episode, the title of chupacabra is split between either these Plantation Ghouls or the snake.

But, the real ghoul? Merle’s ghost, who sprouted out in a trauma-induced August Wilson moment. Southern Gothic, which I did enjoy because it lead the way to a minor zombie attack, Daryl getting his shit together, and two Nice Shots!

Sorry, but I thought that arrow shot to that zombie was a *little* racist. I may be crazy, but I felt that way. Call me crazy. As crazy as an ear necklace!

I’m glad ghosts and flashbacks are bringing back these actors who otherwise didn’t seem to be getting any work. That’s great! Actors have to get paid!

Andrea: finally making a real appearance this episode with – you guessed it – a gun. “You think Andrea’s on her period?” Glen says. Sorry, but she isn’t. She, too, is pregnant with a little bullet because she keeps having sex with guns (speculation!). Absurd. I also love that Glen is a such a gossip and still doesn’t get women. And, like, Dale is the worst person to share gossip with. Like, really? He’s a 10% more rational version of Hershel.

Then, all hell breaks lose. Daryl walks out with his ears, Andrea shoots him (LIKE A DICK CRAZY DUMB UGH.), Shane goes Zombeef, but Daryl out-Zombeef’s him with his wounded softness:

CrEeEeeeeEEEAAAaaaAAaaMMMMM HaaRRRRRdddd eViDDDenCEeeeeeee yyAAAAAAAAhhhhhh shoW me DAt ChuPaChUpAcaBRA.

Carl Button still isn’t back yet, I realized this late in the episode. Can he die, too? Can all these kids die? Can even Lori’s tummy baby die? I’m so over these kids. So much drama, I tell you. But, not the kids’ table at dinner – that was funny. Almost as funny as the idea of where this food came from on the Plantation. And the fact that they have no booze. And the fact that Maggie and Glen are passing sex notes at the kids table. Amazing. Then Hershel side-eye caught them – just as amazing!

Also, where are they going to have sex? Well, a hayloft, I suppose. That’s sexy (and messy and Black Plague-ish and kinky, etc.). It’s also made me wonder just what time a note – without time – would tell me when to meet someone for sex. I would have thought, you know, right after dinner… which is what Glen thought, too, until he found their secret zombie den, AKA the lamest “cliffhanger” of any episode. Is that the chupacabra? If it is, that is one dumb/deaf/mute/Helen Keller of a zombie chupa-chupe I’ve ever heard of. Really? Really. This show, I tell you.

• Still no baby talk nor abortion for Lori. I’m starting to think we have a while for her to spill on this and, maybe, we won’t even find out until the finale (wah waaaah).
Glen and Maggie will have sex again!!!
Sophia. Next episode? Next episode please! I swear this b won’t surface – dead or alive – until this season’s end. Ugh.
• More ghosts next episode? Likely not.
• We’ll see Carl Button up and in action next time!
• Judging from the barn full of zombies, zombies are a problem on the plantation. Shit’s going down there because DUH.
Andrea is going to become a one-woman (shitty) killing machine. Why did people give her a gun!?
• In my dreams, this show gets cancelled this season and everyone watches American Horror Story. I can’t seriously be the only one doubting this show… am I? It’s just far, far too absurdist in a Neil Simon way – not a Samuel Beckett way.

What do you guys think? Thoughts? Expectations? Exciting birth announcements?

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A gay military kid who lived up and down the east coast finally decided to venture out West--and hasn't returned. With a love for horror films, champagne, short shorts, and CAPS LOCK, he spends his time writing, doing comedy, and being an assistant (oy). He has a dog and collects magazines with Lady Gaga on the cover, too.