Hey Parker Poseys & pansies! Yes, even on horror sites Six Feet Under earth-worms its way into gay discourse. There’s no escaping it. Like how Claire can’t escape Unabomber Season Five Billy. Like how Ruth can’t escape her most random, unexpected outbursts and the flustered face that follows. Like how Nate‘s gonna die and Brenda‘s gonna become a shrink – just like their parents! Oh, if it hasn’t been apparent yet, SPOILER ALERT, BABY! Millions of ‘em.

These dudes and more inside!

In this post we celebrate – for your salivating pleasure – the most gruesome and/or unforgettably thrilling Fisher Home clients from HBO’s gone-but-not-forgotten treasure trove of death, camp, blood, and hot, gay sex with Sarge the Paintball Guy (Season Three). Created by Alan Ball (True Blood), need we say more?

Oh, and tell Rico to get off the phone and stop yelling at Vanessa in Spanish. We like to keep a certain decorum around the dead.

Dorothy Sheedy, “In Case of Rapture” (ep 4:2)

No one does it to you like Dorothy Sheedy! Played expertly by camp/gay pseudo-icon Beth Grant (Child’s Play 2, Donnie Darko, Sordid Lives), Dorothy is a Godfearin’ folk who, as her bumper sticker announces, “breaks for The Rapture!” To her delight, the Rapture occurs, right there in Los Angeles! Or so she thinks. It’s actually a bunch of helium-inflated sex dolls floating upwards from a truckbed headed to the Porno Oscars, the AVN Awards. That doesn’t stop Dorothy from cutting her engine, running out onto the highway to praise the lord, and getting smacked by an eighteen-wheeler. Have faith and reap rewards!

Kenneth Macdonald Henderson, “Untitled” (4:11)

Utterly reminiscent of some serious Final Destination slaughter, Kenneth Henderson is sliced in two when he heroically tries to save the three other people trapped in an office building elevator with him: a middle-aged mousette, a newly preggers twentysomething, and a paranoid mailroom guy, who we probably think is gonna die. But no: it’s Kenneth’s blood that’s sprayed on the on-lookers when his innards are forcefully exposed. It’s like that recent movie Devil, except this one doesn’t suck huge cock.

Rebecca Leah Milford, “In the Game” (2:1)

Possibly my vote for Most Classy, this wonderkill takes place at the Hollywood premiere of Whack Job, a shitty slasher movie! After we briefly enjoy a movie-within-a-movie that would make He Knows You’re Alone pink with envy, we follow the film’s “leading lady” Becky (Dead End‘s Alexandra Holden) through a stressful afterparty and into the bathroom stall. The starlet snorts coke ’til her poor nerves give way. As she convulses in an overdose on the tile floor, two unwitting female audience members exclaim, “That piece of shit made Blair Witch 2 look like Titanic!”

Robert Lamar Giffin, “Nobody Sleeps” (3:4)

A beautiful death, and a beautiful example of Six Feet Under‘s love for its gay and camp-appreciative viewers. Bob Giffin, partnered and proud, dies holding his lover Kevin’s hand as they and a group of friends enjoy a viewing party of – what else? – The Bad Seed, cocktails and hilarious commentary included. Bob passes expectedly of an enlarged heart condition (how dear) silently during the screening. Later in the episode, the widow Kevin makes a point by saying to straight Nate, “It wasn’t AIDS. Even though we both fucked like bunnies in the seventies.”

Andrea Kuhn, “A Coat of White Primer” (5:1)

Gets her eye gouged out when she falls onto a firepoker, and how. Equally gruesome is the story leading up to it: Andrea spends the extended sequence confronting, on her therapist’s recommendation, all the people in her life who, well, make Andrea feel small! She talks to her sister, best friend, and father, all of whom are surprisingly receptive. Andrea is satisfied, until she confronts her husband, and he shoves her into the mantle to her demise. And that’s why you don’t go to therapy.

Bruno Baskerville Walsh, “Falling Into Place” (4:1)

Bruno literally falls to his place, specifically the roof of a car, after taking acid in 1972 and leaping off a high-rise. It’s a fascinating and terrifying sequence in which he (Jonathan Tucker, Texas Chainsaw ’03) and his wallflower girl (Angela Goethals, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon) run through a love-in filled with happenin’ people, Thunderclap Newman’s “Something in the Air” blasting, until they reach a breath of fresh air and his death on the roof. He jumps and floats, as he observes his body fall to a parked car beneath him. Trippy, y’all.

Kaitlin Elise Stolte, “Parallel Play” (4:3)

Oh, my God, this one’s hysterical. And I’m awful for thinking so. Three racist, over-sexed pre-teen girls sit on a bed giggling, totally enjoying their sleepover and jelly beans, distributing midnight prank calls to strangers like a neverending bag of candy STD’s. They really enjoy one particular call, so much so that young Kaitlin’s laughter drops her to the hardwood floor where she cracks her fucking neck. The sight of her mangled spine is almost as traumatic as the fact that she’s played by Hallee Hirsch, star of my very favorite Disney Channel Original Movie, The Ultimate Christmas Present!

Jeffrey Marc Shapiro, “Back to the Garden” (2:7)

An Orthodox Jewish husband and father spends his lunch break home from work masturbating in the exercise room – specifically, enjoying autoerotic asphyxiation, in which the masturbator suffocates until ejaculation, when he firmly bites down a lemon slice to wake him up. Unfortunately, Jeffrey’s lemon fails to aid his quest. It takes half an episode for his wife to realize it wasn’t suicide but the product of watching a VHS starring a buxom blonde and her two bestial “plumber neighbors.”

Loretta Smith Sibley, “Hold My Hand” (5:3)

Most disturbing here is how this death isn’t a Fisher client (the only opening not to be so), but rather a chilling backstory to one of the show’s more mysterious supporting characters. Ruth has her hands full with apocalypse nut George, and here we see the trauma of his younger years. As little Georgie (Chase Ellison of Gregg Araki’s powerhouse Mysterious Skin) waits at the breakfast table in 1954, his mom Loretta, a total lush, cooks breakfast and a deathly cocktail. As she takes a lethal bunch of pills with her mimosa, she forces little Georgie to hold her hand until she dies. Lord knows how long he obeyed her until realizing she wasn’t waking up. And therein lies the chill.

Karen Postell Pepper, “Making Love Work” (3:6)
& Chloe Ann Bryant Yorkin, “Crossroads” (1:8)

Oh, single ladies, we hardly knew ye! Karen Pepper and Chloe Ann Yorkin are the doomed divorcees who get it in two sympathetic, uncompromising situations, and don’t they wish their husbands got it instead. Chloe Ann loses a face when, while celebrating with two gal pals, she sticks her drunken head out a limo sunroof to get slammed by a low hanging streetlight. Damn LA! Sadly, I feel more for Ms. Pepper’s snafu: while waiting in line for a “Dr. Dave” live-audience TV talk show about making your man want you back, she suffers a nosebleed, and soon a nose-geyser – the decades-later result of a botched nose job. Oh, the things we do to our bodies!

Don’t forget:

The Gorodetsky Family, “Bomb Shelter” (4:11) An upper-class tech-obsessed family in an excessive SUV are too involved in their GPS system, Gameboy, headset convo, and in-car plasma TV to save themselves from a colliding driver.

Viveca St. John, “An Open Book” (1:5) The stacked sex diva, famous for her exploits in the fictional Fisher world, gets electrocuted by her own pussy (pet cat) when the feline knocks some electric rollers into her bathtub. Sandra Oh appears at her funeral as a grieving slut, and she’s fantastic.

Peter Thomas Burns, “The Silence” (5:7) Suffers a heart attack while “enjoying” an awful LA community theater performance of Uncle Vanya. Probably saved him from having to watch the second act.

Melinda Mary Bloch, “The Opening” (3.9) The suburban mom who plans her own suicide, leaving her labelled possessions and envelopes for the family left behind. A pre-cursor to (and better than) Desperate Housewives.

Emily Previn, “The Invisible Woman” (2:5) The single tenant who chokes quietly on her microwave dinner with not a single family member, friend, or loved one to claim her corpse. She rots until the landlord is called.

And, finally:

Thomas Alfredo Romano, “The Foot” (1:3) Sliced to bits by an industrial dough mixer.

Lawrence Tuttle, “Grinding the Corn” (4:9) Crushed by his comic book collection.

Daniel Grant Showalter and his three victims, “You Never Know” (3:2) Telemarketer office mass murder and suicide.

Anahid Hovanessian, “I’m Sorry, I’m Lost” (3:13) Crushed by some fallen blue ice from the lavatory of an overhead airplane.

Nathaniel Fisher, Sr., “Pilot” (1:1) The bus/car collision that birthed Six Feet Under.

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Okay, maybe it’s a bit presumptuous to claim Kevin Mangold for the Camp – but considering that the actor, stuntman and professional jockey (the horse kind, not disc) is the sweet baboo of Alpha Camper Armando Muñoz, I hope he won’t mind that we consider him family.

Yes, the guy playing the demonic title character of SyFy’s new St. Patty’s-themed movie Leprechaun’s Revenge is one of ours. Needless to say, this is APPOINTMENT TELEVISION, people. The movie premieres Saturday night and it costars Billy Zane (!!!), William Devane, Courtney Halverson, and Andrea Frankle. It was directed by Drew Daywalt, who helmed a handful of episodes of the much-better-than-expected MTV horror comedy series Death Valley.

I have a great interview with Kevin in today’s AE Movie Club at AfterElton (a weekly roundup of movie goodies new and old, with an eye for the offbeat and shame-inducing), so be sure to check it out.

And of course, clear your calendars, set your DVRs, and stock up on Baileys and Lucky Charms for tomorrow night – I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS.

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In honor of the greeting-cardiest holiday ever, Andy whipped up this Franklin Mott-inspired “Color-Me-Bad” valentine based on the drawing he did for Blood Work! Season 4 Witchbucket winner Dana.

And since we’re on the subject, why not revisit some of our Valentine’s Day goodies from years past? Let’s face it – those Whitman’s samplers at Duane Reade have been sitting on the shelf just as long.

Last year’s creepy Valentine post

Andy’s True Blood Valentines

Valentine Gift Guide

CampBlood House of Horrors “Our Bloody Valentine”

Horror Valentine Round-up

Wishing everyone a bloody good VD!

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Naturally, going through kids’ horror television programs from the 90′s provokes many an arousing, catastrophic, and/or hilarious situation. My achy breaky heart forever belongs to Are You Afraid of the Dark?, but a number of nearly as enjoyable shows have snuck their way under my dusty, two-decades-old rug.

One such show is Goosebumps, which played on FOX and was usually terrible. I’m talking poorly acted, mainly un-gruesome morality tales with minimal imagination and even worse dialogue, which tended to ruin many of its small-screen adaptations of the bright R.L. Stine book series of the same name. Not unlike many 80′s horror features, though, some of them unexpectedly stand out with the queerest intentions from a row of its bland sisters.

I was notified of the book Be Careful What You Wish For… on Blogger Beware, a now defunct blog that quite funnily profiled each entry in the series. Its content (oh, don’t you worry, we’ll get there momentarily) prompted me to seek out the episode in DVD form. Why didn’t I just find a copy of the book on eBay for $0.75 and read it? Because sometimes I perversely give into immediate gratification, and these days, it’s all about the visual evidence. So I caved in and rented it at a local rental store… in a 2-for-1 Kids DVD deal paired with Small Soldiers.

My only memory of seeing this episode on TV as a kid was the image of a frightened girl – probably the protagonist – chasing a giant, cloaked woman down an empty suburban street in bright daylight. Watching this episode was a trip, you guys; my homo-tinged memory experienced thrills and chills. But mostly delight:

Basic Plot Rundown: Samantha Byrd (Melody Johnson, who later appeared as a halter-topped space victim in Jason X) is just a klutz!, you guys. She can’t seem to catch a break. She, like, sucks at basketball and feels, like, totally awkward to the extreme. She’s also unfortunately tall and gets taunted daily by this bitch-in-training named Judith (actress name not needed because JUDITH IS ITS OWN ENTITY).

Luckily, Samantha meets an Evil-Old-Lady-Who-Sorta-Looks-Exotic, who asks Samantha to walk her home. She’s named Clarissa, which is truly one of the lamer character name options for your standard Evil-OLWSLA. I would’ve gone with Endira or Vallyria or perhaps Carol Kane. Anything that sounds like Elvira‘s legit porn alias. AKA not Clarissa.

White Diamonds!

Anyway, Clarissa (It Takes Two‘s Olsen Twin-knapper Ellen-Ray Hennessy) enjoys her walk so much that she decides to grant Samantha three wishes! Sam’s first wish is a kind of clever “I want to be the best on the basketball team!” wish where all the other players seem to have contracted malaria, thereby making Samantha the best on the team. No but seriously, these girls’ arms are falling off mid-toss, where the FUCK is Nurse Gladys? Her second wish – “I wish everybody would just buzz off!” – causes everyone in the entire town (world?) to suddenly become a fly and …buzz off. Samantha freaks out and makes her third wish, exact words:

“I wish everything to go back to normal… The way it was before the flies… Except, I want Judith to be my friend. N-n-no wait! I want Judith to think… [with a flip of the hair]… I’m the greatest.”

Good going, Samantha! You’ve got a super obsessive lez-crush on your sinful hands now!

Single White Female, Chloe, Haute Tension and Notes on a Scandal got nothing on Judith, y’all. What follows Samantha’s third wish is truly a sight to behold. This calls for a list.

1. The next morning in Goosebumpsland, Samantha enters the girls’ basketball lockerroom (where else?) to see Judith suddenly all dolled up, wearing Sam’s exact hairstyle and hairclips. She strokes Sam’s hair with a darling, “It’s just like yours!” to which Sam hesitantly replies, “Great…!” Paging Jennifer Jason Leigh, honestly.
2. This is just as Judith reveals Sam’s locker, newly doused in outrageously pink streamers and encouraging signs, You’re #1!, and, You Can Do It, Sam!, and, Lick My Pussy! (almost.)
3. Judith hands her a newly pressed uniform, folded and sniffed  just for Samantha. Mrs. Danvers: The Early Years.
4. When Judith’s friend knocks on Judith’s cranium, like, hello, anybaddyinthere? – classic 90′s kids thing – Judith lingers her eyes on Samantha. She only has eyes for her. And then she glares at her friend for not understanding.
5. During B-Ball Practice, underscored by an oddly fitting techno-house soundtrack, Judith begs to do it just like Samantha. She hands Sam the ball, saying “You’re a natural! Show me how YOU do it.”
6. In the lunch line – Judith: (adoring gaze, smirk) “What are you gonna have…?” Sam: “I don’t know. What are you going to have?” Judith: “Whatever YOU have. You have SUCH great taste.” In mystery meat, apparently.
7. At the lunch table – Judith: “And maybe on the weekend, we can go shopping! I mean, you HAVE to tell me where you get your shoes.”
8. Samantha’s pipsqueak guy friend Cory pops in, attempting a joke, I think: “Have  you ever noticed how Sam has the coolest colored pencils?” To which Judith replies, I kid you not, “I was JUST going to SAY!” while twirling her hair. Favorite part.
9. After Cory asks Judith to get her gay ass away from his table – Judith: “Uh, listen, Sam, I’ll catch you later. Maybe we can study later tonight!?”
10. Sam goes home to check her messages – because kids always do that:

• “Hi, Saaaaam… it’s Judith… Guess I’ll call you later…”
• “Hi! It’s Judith again! Call me when you get in!”
• “Hey, where AAARE you!?”
• “It’s Judith! Call me!”
• “Sam? It’s Judith. I thought you were home…”

Aren’t you in love? Isn’t this foray into Play Judith For Me the greatest? There’s more.

Eye on the prize… She knows what she wants. And how to get it.

That night, as Sam turns off the lights, shuts her blinds, and exhaustedly gets into bad after a hard afternoon of dodging incessant phone calls… Someone pops out of her closet and grabs her by the mouth. No, it’s not the Fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer or Tobin Bell.

IT’S JUDITH. And the music at this part is terrifying! Sam gasps/screams, and Judith shushes her. This is how it goes down in the bedroom in pitch black darkness, and tell me if you’ve ever had a night like this:

J: It’s just me, Judith!
S: Wh-What are you doing here!?
J: [gives her a face like, "As if you didn't expect this."] I snuck in and hid in your closet.
S: What are you, nuts!?
J: I thought you said we could study together later!
S: Not tonight. It’s way too late.
Mom’s Off-Screen Voice: [thundering] Sam, are you on the phone!?
S: N-no, mom! It’s okay!
J: [unfastens her braids and prepares to snuggle] I just love your room! These sheets are so cool–
S: SHUT UP! … You have to be completely quiet until I can find a way to get you out of here.

I don’t know about you, but I had like four Thursdays and maybe a Sunday that played out nearly just like this. It’s as if the Goosebumps writers were accessing my horny past!

In any case, we dissolve to morning, and it’s actually not defined whether or not Judith spent the night. But there she is, waiting right outside Sam’s door (perhaps she stayed over and Sam forced her out of the window to wait for her by the door, after some serious horseplay?). Judith follows Sam right into Clarissa, that old hag, who for no reason allows Samantha to cancel the Judith wish and grants an additional final wish. Long story short — Sam wishes Judith into a steel statue and walks away, smiling.

Now if every same-sex crush we lightly preyed on during our teen and pre-teen years did that to us, how many of us today would be flesh, and how many steel? I’ll pause for your response.

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Last night SyFy (pronounced “siffy”, I believe) premiered the second season of its American adaptation of the Brit hit supernatural drama Being Human. Last season I got frustrated pretty quickly with the show, but eventually it won me over – partly because it wasn’t afraid to take big liberties with its source material and stretch its narrative in new and different ways.

Well, it looks like we’re in for more curveballs this season. While the three basic plotlines (Josh and Nora dealing with the werewolf situation; Sally being hunted by dark forces as a result of her skipping her date with her door; Aidan becoming de facto vamp ruler now that Bishop is gone) remain pretty much the same, all the specifics are totally screwy.

Instead of vamps from his past (which Mitchell had to navigate on the UK version), Aidan (Sam Witwer, he of the most gorgeously fucked-up face on television) is being pulled further into the inner circle of the Old Ones (or whatever they call them), including a queen vamp known only as “Mother” and her apparently insane daughter. Could prove to be interesting!

Sally (Meaghan Rath), meanwhile, spent the episode at her high school reunion with two other ghosts, which made for some fun discussion of whether having a totally easy life means you also get a totally easy afterlife.

Josh (Sam Huntington) – who has put on some muscles, no? – got all nervous leading up to his first full moon with Nora (Kristen Hager) knowing his secret – and of course she had her own secret to deal with (that she was scratched the last time he turned).

There was a lot of “will she/won’t she” leading up to the full moon (SPOILER ALERT: She did.), and then they hit us with another looper: Heggeman (Terry Kinney) shot Josh with a silver bullet! WTF?! Considering that his character doesn’t even exist on the original show, having him prance in and maim a main character was pretty major. (Although my money’s on Nora taking him out before that final shot went off.)

Oh, heck – why am I still gabbin’ when you could watch the episode right here, right now? (Sorry, it’s not embedding, for whatever reason, but that link’ll take you there. Warning: You have to watch the ads and they are supernaturally annoying.)

Anyway, I thought the season kicked off with a bang (bad pun intended) and am really excited to see where they take things.

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Ughghghgh – sorry I haven’t gotten back into the swing of regular posts yet, but the holidays and multiple jobs and other life bullcrap still have me swamped. But I did want to take a moment between slaughtering sexy teens and beating my misshapen head against the wall to wish everyone a Happy Jason Day! He is our Camp’s patron Saint, and we all live in his maggot-riddled image. And then die. And then live again. And then die. And then live again…

I love you all.

B

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One of the more pleasant surprises of last year was SyFy’s reality competition Face Off, which pitted a scrappy assortment of makeup and effects professionals against one another in a series of inventive (and often nudity-heavy) challenges. While the winner was pretty much set from “go”, it was still fun to watch the judges put the Makeupsketeers (TRADEMARK PENDING) through their paces, especially adorable Team Gay members Gage (who nearly took the prize) and Marcel.

I’ve poked around in the bios and casting videos of the new designers and while there may be a Surprise!Gay in the bunch (I’m looking at you, ladies) there’s no official gay contestant as of yet that I know of. (If you know otherwise, drop me a line, and include hi-rez photos!) Here’s a sneak peek at the first challenge, which has a Wizard of Oz theme:

I’m glad to see that the show is back and that SyFy seems to be putting some dollars behind the show’s promotion, which may mean bigger challenges this round. Is anyone else excited for the show’s return? (For last season’s Face Off coverage, head on over here.)

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Hello, everyone! Happy 2012! Now let’s get fucking scared, shall we?

This trailer for the real-time, single-take parlor trick Silent House (a remake of the Uruguayan film of the same name only in … um … Uruguayan?) looks insanely promising. First, it’s got Elizabeth “The Other” Olsen in the lead, and she kicked four asses in Martha Marcy May Marlene.

Second, it comes from Chris Kentis and Laura Lau, who demonstrated some serious claustrophobic chops in Open Water.

And third … well, it just looks scary!

Enjoy:

What’dya think? Anyone seen the original that can make any observations? No spoily, por favors…

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From Sleepaway Camp II

From Just Before Dawn

From Friday the 13th Part 3-D

From Cabin Fever

From Friday the 13th Part 2 (x2!)

From Timber Falls

From Friday the 13th

From Sleepaway Camp

From Friday the 13th

And last but not least….

Twelve Campers Croaking!

(…Eleven Poopers Popping)
(…Ten Lasses Leaping)
(…Nine Ladies Dancing)
(…Eight Maids a-Melting)
(…Seven Schlongs a-Swimming)
(…Six Twinks a-Laying)
(…Five Golden Vampires)
(…Four Calling Birds)
(…Three French Heads)
(…Two Turtle Attacks)
(…And Drew Barrymore in a Tree!)

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From Tower of Evil

From Silent Night, Deadly Night (courtesy of I-Mockery)

From The Last Winter (and that’s Zach Gilford from Friday Night Lights. Yowzah!)

From A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

From Being Human (Russell Tovey, yaaaay!)

From Bloody Mary (and that’s Corey Monteith – aka Finn from Glee!)

From True Blood (God bless Jason Stackhouse!)

From American Psycho

From Evil Laugh

From True Blood

Eleven Poopers Popping!

(…Ten Lasses Leaping)
(…Nine Ladies Dancing)
(…Eight Maids a-Melting)
(…Seven Schlongs a-Swimming)
(…Six Twinks a-Laying)
(…Five Golden Vampires)
(…Four Calling Birds)
(…Three French Heads)
(…Two Turtle Attacks)
(…And Drew Barrymore in a Tree!)

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