New York City Horror Film Fest Invades Comic Geek Central
If you've been monitoring my movements for a while, you will likely know that I'm a big booster of the New York City Horror Film Festival (you'd also have the makings of a fabulous teen movie, but that's another bag of candy). So if you're in New York City this weekend, you should really check out the short film screenings that the fabulous freaks of the NYCHFF have running at the Big Apple Comic Convention. The weekend boasts a delicious assortment of horror-related goodies like appearances by Elvira, Debbie Rochon, Ken Foree, Gaylen Ross, Margot "I was just pruning the juniper!" Kidder, Peter Mayhew (Chewbacca), and most notably, the zombie king himself, George Romero.

As an added bonus, the con is hosting a zombie costume contest on Saturday -- the most undead contestant actually wins dinner with George! My head is already filled with Project Runway-inspired images of George and a teenage flesheater enjoying some nice microwaved shrimp scampi at the Times Square Red Lobster, but the actual dining venue is not mentioned.

Anyway, with the mayhem from NYCHFF, the zombiefest, and all the trashy has-been celebrity sitings that Big Apple Con has to offer, it's totally worth braving the smelly, Dorito-stained nerds who are there for all that comic stuff. Check out the official site for details!

Even Dark Shadows Eventually Fade
I didn't hear about this until after my post last nite, but it genuinely saddens me to say that prolific and wonderful television movie director (and sometime feature helmer) Dan Curtis passed away yesterday. Best known as the dark and brilliant mind behind the equally dark and brilliant vampire soap opera Dark Shadows, Curtis also gave us some of the best TVM's of all time, including the unparalleled Night Stalker and Night Strangler, Trilogy of Terror, Dracula (1973), as well as the classic big-screen shocker Burnt Offerings. Curtis was 78, and died of a brain tumor.

Thankfully, many of Curtis's great films are readily available for us to enjoy -- go pick up Carl Kolchak's maiden voyage and remember just how wonderful a storyteller he was.

Happy Birthday, Miss Pickelpuss
As loathe as I am to even mention it, Quentin Tarantino turned 43 today. For the past decade, Tarantino has been toiling away like a dutiful cinematic Myna bird, faithfully mimicing his favorite films with uncommon accuracy and unparalleled success. While he has done some great work bringing some rarely-seen or nearly-lost treasures to light (Switchblade Sisters, Mighty Peking Man), I still choose to write him off as a Canal Street knockoff artist rather than join his heavy-breathing, hyper-contextual video store nerd circle jerk.

In a stroke of utter coincidence, I've just posted a review of Twisted Nerve, the 1968 British shocker from which Quentin swiped Daryl Hannah's whistling tune for Kill Bill -- consider it the closest thing to a birthday present I'd ever get the guy.

Here's to another 43 years of "homage"!

The Knee Jerk: March 24
Wherein Buzz blah blah blah non-horror, you know the drill. C'mon, I got mojitos to drink...

Inside Man
Totally fun. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Spike Lee has turned in the cutest thriller I've seen in years -- Inside Man is funny, good-humored, and very very clever. The performances are fantastic -- particularly Alpha Sappho Jody Foster as a mysterious, and as one character calls her, "magnificently cunty" private negotiator -- and the whole setup with its Lower Manhattan location and colliding ambitions and agendas is just delightful. One gripe: as the commercials may have tipped you off, it's not really a heist picture, per se. So while the side of me that always wishes that Lee will stop putting his opinions on sandwichboards and start working them into his scripts is over the moon at his latest, and most assured and least self-conscious effort, the side of me that loves a good bank robbery (the Irish side, maybe?) was a bit let down. And in case you're wondering, my favorite heist movie isn't Dog Day Afternoon (although I adore that one too; for more gay-vague Chris Sarandon, see below) -- it's Three Fugitives. Seriously.

I Still Know My Best Friend is an Annoying Gay Vampire
Much as Charlie Brewster was thrown arms-akimbo into his closet by a gay-vague vampire, so were the minds of our I Still Know! weekly still challenge thrown into disarray this week, as the curious image was apparently lost on most of you. Most, I say -- but not all.

Despite Fright Night's being one of the gayest horror movies ever, and the scene where Chris "My Name is Not Susan" Sarandon tosses William "Don't Call Me Ragdoll" Ragsdale into his closet's being one of the movie's more memorable moments, maybe this de-contextualized mid-air still was just a bit too strange. Love the slatted doors, though.

I Still Know! Week 17 Winners
Deeky
TommyRoss
Spazmo
Tintorera Joe

And that's it! Maybe I discouraged everyone by posting the full leaderboard last week -- but seriously, the differences between each position is 1 point. It's March Madness! Or something!

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Tintorera Joe
2. TommyRoss
3. Spazmo
4. Dogballz / Hambone (tie)

Watch Me Do It
So remember that old saying, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten"?

No?

Really? Where are you from, again?

Anyway, now there's proof, and a handy way to figure out how many furry friends you've sent to the grave.

The Ejaculator!

(thanks to Beeftina for the tip, you sick whore...)

Trailer Fabulous
It's been a while since I followed up on the inaugural Trailer Fabulous column, wherein we here at CampBlood take an unflinching look at the garbage previews that studio marketing departments come up with in order to convince us that their movie can cure all of our ills, change our oil, and allow us to feel emotion again.

X-Men: The Last Stand
Okay, I'm supremely conflicted about this one. First and foremost, I hate Bret Ratner with the fiery intensity of 1000 colliding supernovas. I hate his work -- anyone who has been exposed to such drivel as Red Dragon and After the Sunset can hardly blame me. I hate his "persona" -- the coked-up-hobbit public model molestations and widely-reported dirty dealings with various vacuous craptresses (yes, Noxema Girl, I'm talking to you) should basically necessitate that he go door-to-door in any community he shoots in to tell people that he's a dirty pig with an eye on their underage daughters. Third, I've actually met the guy, although he was so busy screaming at someone on the phone in front of about 40 people that I'm sure it's slipped from his memory. But not mine. Oh no, not mine.

So it totally bones me to say that the X3 trailer actually looks kind of good. I was a big fan of the original 2 X-Men movies (had the sequel not boasted one of the most awkward climaxes in history, it might have actually been better than the first), and Mr. Crapner actually seems like he might have a vague idea what he's doing here, and even seems to have studied the most important rule of superhero movies: someone must be incredibly hot. While the initial photos of the actor playing Angel did absolutely nothing for me, watching him pop out them wings and zip out the window in the preview proved to me that this guy knows exactly what he's there for: to flex for us. And god love him for it. Sadly, Catwomanthika Halle Berry is still with us as Storm (at least they got her a better wig this time) and Kelsey Grammar doesn't look like he'll be showing his wonderful new talent of falling off of stages as Beast, but Dark Phoenix and Juggernaut more than make up for it -- and how can we not celebrate any time mister Hugh Jackman graces our screens? Oh, that's right -- SomoneLikeSwordfishVanLeopold. But at least here he's hairy. Rawr!

The Omen (666)
Simple, atmostpheric, and fairly effective, this one's really not fair, because if you're like me and hate kids whether they're Satan incarnate or NOT, the little shit on the swing is gonna freak you out without much effort. But I'm digging the retro outfit and the kind of weird resemblance to the original kid (Whatever Happened to Baby Damien, anyway?), and am hoping that they roll the remake of the sequel soon enough to take advantage of the continued vitality of Lee Grant, who could still turn that shit OUT as aunt Ann. Or at least Aunt Marion... Anyway, the best news here is that there are no shots of Julia Stiles and Liev Schreiber as the Most Awkwardly-Cast Couple of the Decade. Just look at them. Doesn't he look like he would devour her?

Hard Candy
I cannot WAIT to see this movie. Aside from the fantastic word-of-mouth, it's got cutie Patrick Wilson (of Angels in America, the abysmal Phantom of the Opera movie, and many Broadway productions) and now this awesome trailer. Speaking purely technically, the "Venetian blind" editing effect that they've used here is fantastically unique -- it's graphically interesting and speaks to the movie's themes of secrets and voyeurism. The word on this one is that it's a cat-and-mouse game expertly rendered between a predatory photographer and an underage girl he's lured back to his house -- the trailer may give too much away in letting us know that things may not be as they seem, but then again there could be more twists just around the corner. Ellen Page seems perfectly-cast as the young girl -- she looks like your friend's little sister who's trying desperately to seem older and more sophisticated than she is. Or maybe that's her game? Interestingly enough, Page also appears in X-Men: The Last Stand as Kitty Pryde.

Hoot
What, you haven't heard a peep about the new family comedy about deforestation? That's because it looks fucking RETARDED. Starting out with a shot of a kid on horseback that seriously looks like a NAMBLA version of Brokeback Mountain and segueing right into "from the people who brought you Holes" (I beg your pardon!), this preview is confused crap from start to finish -- and when "finish" is "featuring new music from Jimmy Buffett", they may as well say "coming to a video store near you" while they're at it. Even the presence of neck-slappingly adorable Luke Wilson as a bumbling cop isn't enough to make this one worth seeing.

Did I mention it's about owls?

Clean, Little Dutchboy!
This one's been making the rounds, but given my unabashed fixation on last year's super-sexed Brawny ads, I kinda have to weigh in on it.

Xtra-Pine, a cleaning product that I had never heard of but now will certainly never forget, has filmed what is essentially a softcore porn about a magical go-go-boy who appears in a lonely housewife's home and proceeds to strip as he cleans her woodwork. No -- seriously.

The clip is actually way more risque (and kind of hotter) than it has any right to be -- dare I say that Cleaning Hunk/Brawny Man fan-fic is not far behind? I can't wait to read about how CH scrubs BM's crown molding with his pine-soaked jockstrap while BM mops up a messy spill from the linoleum! And now that I'm thinking about it, why hasn't the obvious candidate for nude cleaning and disinfecting -- Mr. Clean -- been invited to the orgy? I bet he's a pushy bottom.

Click HERE for the insanity. Oh -- they're also giving away a year's worth of cleaning service. Here's to hoping they all look like underwear models.

I Still Know How to Pick Up My Gym Coach at a Sissy Bar
Wowzah! It brings a tear to my eye to see the number of you kids who got this week’s I Still Know! movie still challenge right – maybe you’re actually reading some of this shit after all. Or maybe you came across this movie on your own and made your own conclusions, but that’s not a scenario I want to consider. Yes, this week’s still came from the Gaypex of Horror Cinema, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Big Gay Freddy’s Big Gay Revenge. Due to the onslaught of entries, I had no need to drop any hints or bury any references in my updates or reviews – which was good, since I really didn’t do any.

As a special treat, I’m going to give you a glimpse at the full leaderboard for the contest. Yes, EVERYONE. But here’s the first five respondents for the week:

I Still Know! Week 16 Winners
BoyBlunder
Spazmo
LtRipley
TommyRoss
Dogballz

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Tintorera Joe
2. Tommy Ross
3. Spazmo
4. Dogballz / Hambone (tie)
6. Gayhorrorgeek
7. Rockercub
8. AstroboyMN
9. deeky / prisonguard (tasteful hot-tub scene)
11. Ed / nilblogette (7 minutes in heaven)
13. Dexter / T-Bone (three-legged race)
15. fruitwobbler / gibb424 / LtRipley / TonyNNJ (butter-flavor Crisco circle-jerk)
19. Bent Boy / BoyBlunder / Darren / locomojo / The Diz (nude interpretive dance cycle)
24. Anonymo / greggy pooh / macabre / patrickfromdallas / PatrickStillLives / rjserrano / stever / tommyjb (circuit party)

Yes, kids -- it's like having your name in lights. Tiny, tiny lights. Be sure to tune in next week for more movie still madness!

Bags: Not Just for Under Your Eyes!
So if you didn't get the point from all my grousing last week, I recently had a birthday. And though I'd love to get into the sordid details of my biggest birthday surprise -- having a straight, oiled beefcake from New Jersey wearing a hockey mask and weilding a bloody machete strip and mount me in front of 40 of my friends as the disco theme from Friday 3 blared -- I do have one thing I want to mention.

I got the CUTEST PRESENT EVER!!

It's a man-purse. But before you get all butch and overcompensatory about it, check it out -- it's a small bag with a chain and clasp to attach to your belt and put your keys on, if you are so inclined. Very punk-rock-ish. The bag was made by an absolute darling named Aaron Sciandra who lives in Brooklyn (yeeeeah...) and has his own handmade bag company, Brooklyn Bags, and I tell ya -- it's the best hidden gift resource I've ever seen. We all know that girls go gaga over cute bags, and Brooklyn Bags has tons of them -- all are customizable and come in an assortment of cute fabrics. And the men's line is also super-cool -- they range from the Wade (the model I got) to shoulderbags and laptop bags. My fabric is pixellated camo with a vintage Star Trek fabric lining -- very butch geek.

Anyway, totally check out the website and keep it in mind when your sister or boyfriend or the cute girl in your office has a birthday or whatever. And if you buy something, tell 'em Buzz sent ya!

Support small business and artists! Woo-hoo!

The Knee Jerk: March 17
Wherein Buzz provides his unsolicited, poorly-spelled opinions on films of the non-horror variety (GASP! There ARE such things?!) coming to theatres near you this week.

V for Vendetta
Okay, I’m sorry – but this movie DESTROYED me. For over two hours I was captivated by the characters, the intrigue, the patter of the dialogue, the allusions to the current state of the world, and the SHEER BALLS of the filmmakers and – yes, I’m going to actually compliment a major studio – Warner Brothers for putting this film out. It’s a complicated, infuriating, invigorating mess of themes and anger and idealism and righteous fury – and it had me completely captivated... so captivated that I've used the word "captivated" twice in this review and can't be bothered about it. I complained a few months back about how the big movies of 2005 were all about pointing out how much the world sucks and then shrugging and moping off to a quiet, slow death (hi, Crash!). Well, Vendetta is the hotfoot remedy to all that wallowing – I wanted to run outside and scream. I wanted to punch a member of the Cabinet. I wanted to blow up something. Yes, folks – this movie is DANGEROUS. Political subtext aside, this is a film about taking responsibility for your society’s ills and doing something to fix them. We are all behind the goofy Guy Fawkes mask - or at least, we should be. Sure, it’s also about a terrorist who happily resorts to manipulation and destruction and torture to get what he wants. And is that cool? Absolutely not, but it’s a starting point for discussion. It’s hard to make a rousing movie about small actions - of course he’s going to be bigger than life and a bit extreme. Will he motivate people to put on masks and burn down the White House? Absolutely not. But he may move someone to donate to a worthy cause or write a letter to their congressman or just think more about their stake in their community and the responsibility that we each carry. Throw in several gay themes and subplots (one of which is achingly sad and beautiful – again, it’s amazing to see the amount of respect that is paid to gay relationships in a studio action movie), and I’m fucking hooked. The first must-see movie of the year, and my favorite so far.

Oh -- or for those of you who haven't seen Sharon Stone's low-hanging geriatric pussy like 300 times already, there's Basic Instinct 2.

(CORRECTION: Basic Instinct 2 won't be out for another 2 weeks. And it ain't gonna be any fresher then...)

Wizard of Drag?
The folks at the WOW Report have come up with another interesting feature, and one that has special relevance to us in its first installment. In the first episode of their "Confessions of a Hollywood Extra" series, correspondent Sham Ibrahim reports from the set of the upcoming H.G. Lewis remake Wizard of Gore, a flick that looks like its getting a lot more firepower and attention than one might think it deserves. For one, its cast is an interesting blend of genre regulars and Hollywood younguns -- for every Brad Dourif there's a Kip Pardue; next to your Jeffrey Combs you get a Bijou Phillips (which, after her turn in the atrocious Venom, could either be a good or a bad thing); and star Crispin Glover pretty much defies categorization any way you look at it. Ibrahim also commented on the professionalism of director Jeremy Kasten, which is refreshing considering that after seeing the mediocre Attic Expeditions I noticed that his IMDB picture was a shot of him smoking in sunglasses and wrote him off immediately as a pretentious hack. Which he still may or may not be, but he should really lose that picture.

Anyway, given that Ibrahim plays a drag queen in the film, there seems to be a bit of queerness afoot on the Wizard set -- and given that Kasten's last credit is for a short musical galled Gayosity, that may only be the beginning. Check out the full set report for more.

More Like "The Dissent"
Remember when everyone LOVED Dimension because they seemed huge supporters of genre films and had a slate full of interesting projects, and then it turned out that they were just as interested in turning a quick buck as everyone else and that they buried just about every horror movie they owned? Well, it looks like Lionsgate is taking cues from their business model. After the disappointing treatment of High Tension (remember the "we promise to release it uncut and subtitled" song-and-dance?), which may or may not have contributed to pretty weak box-office stateside, 'Gate is pulling the same routine with the excellent British horror export The Descent. A recent news report on the Horror Channel website says this:

(Director Neil) Marshall himself said at Sundance that he wanted to see how the audience would react with a different ending, and that’s how Lionsgate is going to send it out. The ending that currently exists on the British print of the film, and the subsequent DVD, will no longer be in place.

Is it just me, or does that sound like PR-speak for "Lionsgate would only distribute my movie if I changed the ending, so I want to see how the audience will react with a different ending"? Either way, as a big, big fan of the film I'm incredibly disappointed. The ending that's there is entirely appropriate and very effective... and hey, guys -- we American's aren't THAT stupid. I bet we could handle it just fine. At any rate, I'm just glad that I have my British DVD with the original ending intact, and I'd definitely encourage you to do the same, before the Lion gets its paws on it.

I Still Know that Clogs Go Best with a Cattleprod
I'm thrilled to announce that the answer to this week's I Still Know! challenge was one of my all-time favorite movies, the uber-bizarre infantilization thriller The Baby (there's a loving writeup of it in the Homo Horror Guide, although it totally deserves a full review of its own... baby steps...). For those of you who got it right, "Huzzah!". And for those of you who didn't and silently curse me every Monday when you see these random screencaps appear on the contest page, let me give you a little hint: I generally make a sly reference to the mystery film at some point during the week, either in a review (in this case I invoked The Baby in my review of the also-underseen Pin) or elsewhere on these hallowed yet irreversibly soiled pages. Just a tip.

I Still Know! Week 15 Winners
Rockercub
Tintorera Joe
Spazmo
TommyRoss
The Diz

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Tintorera Joe
2. TommyRoss
3. Hambone / Spazmo (legal union)
5. Dogballz

Thanks to all who played, and be sure to check in Monday for more stilltastic craziness!

Because Buzz Loves You, You Ungrateful Douchebags
I really hate to have to point it out, but most of you fucking forgot my birthday. Yes, yes -- I know that after last year I threatened that anyone who even breathed syllables that even vaguely resembled the word "birthday" anywhere from January 1st to Easter would find himself stuffed inside a golfbag in the Central Park Reservoir, but please, people -- we all know that Buzz doesn't really mean these things. Except when he said that he had FedExed a fresh turd to John Carpenter after the Fog remake came out, which was totally true. At least in my mind.

But Buzz forgives and forgets -- and even better, he counters this deliberate lack of respect with even more of his seemingly boundless charity (and referring to himself in the third person). So to thank you all for saving me from another year of therapy bills and obscene phonecalls (mostly), I'm posting one of my favorite horror-related songs for your downloading pleasure.

Now, I'm actually having a hard time nailing down the actual title and artist of the track, but suffice to say that it's a trashy house song that uses the classic phonecall scene from Serial Mom in the best way possible: with a drum machine. So right-click below to save to your desktop, and enjoy!

Relentlessly Cunty: Serial Mom

(and a HUGE titty-twister to DJ Cameron of GAG! for the track. Love to do it, bitch.)

Stephen King Mocks My Pain
A few weeks ago I joked that Stephen King had stolen one of my scripts for his new novel Cell, in which a cell phone glitch turns millions of people into lunatic zombies. And given the further coincidence that Cell features King's first gay lead character, I was forced to conclude that either Stephen was picking the lock to my brain with a hairpin while I slept, or he's reading this site and taking this whole gay horror thing seriously. I don't know which scenario is more horrifying.

Well, this fucking proves it. It was announced yesterday that Dimension, who holds the rights to Cell, handed the directing reins for the film adaptation over to none other than the infuriating gay-vague fratboy Eli Roth. Considering how I wet myself over the mushy gay subtext of Hostel and of the Roth-produced 2001 Maniacs, this cannot simply be a coincidence, and leads me to ask one simple question:

Stephen King, what the fuck did I ever do to you?

(thanks to Daniel for the tipoff, and for ruining my enjoyment of the Top Model premiere. Et tu, Daniel?)

I Still Know! Returns!
Hey, kids -- it's time for another installment of the generally-weekly-when-Buzz-isn't-off-in-Amsterdam-chatting-with-Martha-Washington-under-a-parkbench I Still Know! movie still challenge!

If you're not familiar with the game, head on over to the challenge page and read the easy instructions: essentially, every Monday we put up a still from a random fabulous horror movie, and it's up to you wicked little sleuths to figure out what it is. Eventually, the entrant with the most correct answers will get something so fabulous that their head will likely explode. It's never too late to join -- we do keep a leaderboard of winners, but every now and then we'll throw in a prize or two that everyone's eligible for.

So play, squids!

No, It Wasn't Just a Bad Dream
So in case you're thinking that you maybe just woke up from one of the worst nightmares you've ever had, let me be the first to assure you -- yes, Crash just won Best Picture at the 78th Annual Academy Awards. Whether or not Brokeback Mountain was your cup of tea, admit it: The Fucking Little After-School Special that Fucking Could was in no way worthy of what is considered by many to be the industry's top honor. I'm surprised as presenter Jack Nicholson that such a didactic, lazy piece of crap actually won over the other nominees, each of which was a far superior film (even Munich, which I didn't really like either). Or perhaps his perpetually arched eyebrows just made it look that way. Anyway, Hollywood gossip site Defamer put it best during their live-blog of the ceremony last evening when they said:

6:27pm: The presentation of Crash's Best Original Song nominee, complete with burning cars and multiculti couples dancing among the flames (of racism, we assume), is roughly 300% more subtle than the movie itself

So put your black handkerchief in your back pocket today as a sign of respect -- or to get a little action, whatever -- and bid the age of the gay cowpoke a fond farewell. Racism's the new unrequited love!

Maniacs in Manhattan! More Than Usual, I Mean!
For those of you in NYC, the much-anticipated, long-awaited, and quickly-forgotten-and-pooped-out-onto-DVD remake/sequel of H.G. Lewis's classic 2000 Maniacs -- you guessed it: 2001 Maniacs -- is screening tonite at the ever-naughty Pioneer Theatre in the East Village. Yes, the flick hits shelves in a few weeks, but there's always something to be said for seeing a movie in the theatre and hearing an entire audience groan along with you.

Writer/Director Tim Sullivan and some of the pretty cast will be on-hand for Q&A after the screening -- I'm curious to see the flick (which is apparently rife with queer references) and hear about its strange little journey, even though it hasn't exactly gotten the warmest reception (check out a sampling of reviews HERE).

So if you're in the area and don't have anything else to do, pop in -- I'll be the one in the tie-dyed Pucci unitard and mango espadrilles.

The Bitch Is Back
Whew! So I just flew back from Amsterdam, and BOY is my spinal fluid tired! I wish I could get into all the details of my trip, but really -- who needs to hear about more cross-dressing, marathon vomiting, and public sex? Mom, put your hand down.

Anyway, I hope all y'all were occupied with other pursuits and didn't miss this crap too much. Cause if you did, you really need to reevaluate things.

It's great to be home!

Camp by Any Other Name
The good news is, the clever, enjoyable, and quite queer retro-summer-camp-slasher Camp Daze has been picked up by Universal and is getting distribution through Blockbusters, Best Buys, and what-have-yous across the country on April 11th. The not-exactly-not-good-but-certainly-interesting news is that the film has been renamed Camp Slaughter and given one of those kind of generic covers that looks good but has absolutely nothing to do with the movie. I’ll never understand marketing.

Regardless, it’s a fun and unique little flick (you can read my review HERE) and I’m thrilled that it’s getting such a wide release and will even have some fun extras on the DVD -- big congrats to the fellas over at Scream Kings productions on the news.

You can also pre-order Camp Slaugher on Amazon.

Dead Serious Competition
Speaking of the queer horror zeitgeist, the gay horror-comedy Dead Serious, which pits a group of gay bar patrons against the forces of darkness AND the Christian right (talk about a rock and a hard place), is blazing a trail of festival showings across the globe. The flick played recently at the Brussels International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and will soon be playing at the Titanic Film Festival in Budapest, Hungary's only international film fest.

For those of you not in Eastern Europe, Dead Serious will also soon be making its Midwest U.S. debut at the Cinema Wasteland Convention in Ohio at the end of March -- check out the fest's official site for dates and info, and keep an eye on Dead Serious's official site for updates and news. And congrats on the filmmakers for being nominated for 2 B-Movie Awards, Best Make-Up and Best Special Effects!

For my review of the fun, fangy flick, click HERE.

Do Your Part! Vote (Greta) Green!
In an utterly non-horror but certainly camp (just wait...) bit of something-something, allow me to take a moment to beg each and every one of you to head on over to the Avenue Q website and vote for drag queen puppet BINGO caller extraordinaire, Miss Greta Green, in their One Night Stand contest. Miss Green is the -- ahem -- "associate" of my dear friend Joe Kovacs, a gem of a boy who also happens to be the current incarnation of the one and only Madam. Yes, THE Madam. Yes, the one that Wayland Flowers created. Joe and Madam have been making the rounds of the NYC party circuit working up new material (you may have seen them on VH1 and LOGO as well), and there are certainly great things in store for both of them.

But that's something entirely different -- right now we're talking about Greta, one of Joe's wonderful original creations, who holds court as the BINGO caller every Friday night at the View Bar in NYC. She may have started her life as a mattress, but let's face it -- most of us spend the rest of ours as one.

So scurry on over to the Avenue Q website, check out the contest details and videos, and vote for Joe and Greta now!

I Still Know How to Work a Bathing Cap at the Swimmin’ Hole
I honestly thought everyone would get this, but apparently it was more difficult than I had expected – only a handful of you crazy kids figured out that the still from this week's I Still Know! challenge was from the classic horror comedy Motel Hell. Although really, if you didn’t recognize the statuesque frame of Miss Ballbricker in the background, I could see how this could easily be mistaken for Piranha or another random fish-related thriller. Anyway, this is what happens:

I Still Know! Week 14 Winners
Fruitwobbler
Tintorera Joe
Locomojo
Tommyross88

The leaderboard is pretty much unaffected, as Joe and Tommy were in the lead anyway. It now looks thusish:

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Tintorera Joe
2. Tommyross88
3. Hambone / Dogballz (tie)
5. gayhorrorgeek / spazmo (awkward airplane bathroom embrace)

As far as the prize for the week goes (remember, I promised a CampBlood.org tee to whoever wrote in first) – it goes to a complete newcomer to the contest – Locomojo. Congrats, Loco! Loco wrote in within an hour of the posting, which is pretty tough to beat. And in a stroke of coincidence, he’s also the fella whose touching tale of romantic bliss I posted on Valentine’s Day – yes, he’s still alive, and he and the Cockbuster Video employee whose heart CampBlood pierced squarely with an arrow are going to go on another date. Congrats, fellas! (Loco, this time hold out for anal. You’ll thank me for it in the morning.)

And You Thought Motel Hell was Campy!
I got a charming email from the producer of a horror-comedy in production right now that I just have to share with y'all -- it's called Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror (best title since Snakes on a Plane!), and it promises to be a sexy, bloody mess of fun.

Producer Sean Abley had this to say about the project:

Full male and female nudity (including some from adult film star Michael Soldier), tons of blood, killing, a bit of cannabalism and drag. Many hot guys and gals for the gays and dykes to enjoy watching. We're about to shoot the LA portion of the film - we've already shot for two weeks in the middle of nowhere in AZ... The film is a very black comedy, with some politics thrown in for good measure.

Whenever you say "adult film star" and "measure" in the same sentence, you can pretty much count me in.

We've also got some exclusive set pics from the flick -- head on over HERE to check them out, and be sure to stop back here for updates on the project. Thanks to Sean for the info, and best of luck with the shooting!

The Search String Report on Sorority Row
It’s been a while since I featured this fun frolic through the diseased minds of my potential (and perhaps actual) readers, so I thought I’d dust it off again. Yes, these are actual search strings that real sickos like yourselves entered into search engines like Google, Dogpile, what-haves-you, that somehow led them to this site. I’ve listed some of my favorites below, as well as my thoughts on what the flying unholy fuck they might have been trying to find…

enema marshmallows
Trust me, I have no idea what this person was looking for, or what page on my fair site they may have been led to. And no, those aren’t my Stay-Pufs under the bathroom sink.

singing vagina
I’m assuming that this person was either looking for info on Chatterbox, the singing vagina comedy featuring personal hero Rip Taylor, or Willie Nelson. Come on, just look at him upside-down and you’ll totally get where I’m coming from.

sorority girls slumber party massacre the musical
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

dramatic doorways with curtains
Bitch – in Curtains, EVERYTHING is dramatic…

other intern underworld
Scott Speedman's hospital buddy in Underworld is totally Wentworth Miller, the *coughtotallygaycoughcough* co-star of Prison Break. And I bet he’s seen Dominic Purcell naked, the bitch!

can a man s anus stretch to take a dog s knot
A man’s anus can stretch to take a whole dog, if you really want to get into it…

golden girls daughter
Lee Garlington!!

christ did a cow shit in here
This is my favorite line from The Kentucky Fried Movie, which I must have used at some point. Whoever this person is, call me. We have china patterns to pick out.

where are they now troll 2
Which mall food court are you nearest?

rob zombie smells
Well, I’d never say that, as he'd likely cut off my dick and feed it to me. But his movies sure stink.

gassy girl s with shits
Uh, what?

is kyle howard asian
Let’s check – Kyle, do long-division in your head while playing this violin. I mean, what the fuck?

random shit to read when you re bored
Oh stop it, you sweet-talker! Flattery will get you nowhere…

how did gothika get its name?
I pose a few theories here – but ultimately, the movie’s gonna suck whether you have the answer or not.

shawn ashmore nude blood moon cock
Yes, Shawn Ashmore does full-frontal in the quite watchable Canadian horror drama Blood Moon (from Thom Fitzgerald, gay director of The Hanging Garden), but it’s totally not real – the point of the shot is that the character is hung like a hamster, and let’s hope for Shawn’s sake that they used a prosthetic.

man eating dogs
I’m assuming they meant “man-eating dogs”, not Fido al Filipino.

canadian hairdresser magazine mirror awards 2006
I have no idea what this is, but I NEED TO GO.

wresling fango men nude
This one’s hilarious to me. See, as much as I love a few of the guys at Fangoria that I see regularly about town, I really don’t want to see ANY of them wrestling, clothed or otherwise.

blade trinity hairstyle
All together now: “Just banged in an alley”. That one’s getting retired soon.

dead killer whale fetus
Orca! Or did Star Jones miscarry? Oh, shut up…

cobbing the corn
Either this is a sexual practice, perhaps akin to the Harmonica Method, or we’re back in Troll 2 territory. Again.

vh1 s flavor of loves nude pics
You people are fucking sick.

Program Note: Buzz to Be Fucked Up Beyond Recognition in a Foreign Country
Likely inspired by the American-asshole-in-Europe antics in Hostel, Buzz has decided to take a week and go to Amsterdam to relax, take in the architecture, and eat his weight in Philosopher’s Stone magic mushrooms. For those of you who have been so forthcoming with recommendations on entertainment (I now know where to go to see a man get fucked by a horse, should there be nothing good at the theatre), lodgings (my own brother directed me to a hostel where they simply hose down the room between guests) and other delights (if one more person winks at me when saying “coffeeshop” I’m-a poke their fucking eye out), thanks – I think.

For the rest, you’ll sadly be without my inane chirpings for a few days. Do try to get along without me, won’t you? I’ll be thinking of you every time I see a unicorn jumping out of one of the canals

Be good,

Buzz

Fade to Black
So I got a charming email the other day from the webmeister of BlackHorrorMovies.com, a website that chronicles... well, I'll leave that for you to figure out.

Alright, FINE -- it's about representations of black people in horror. God, Mom -- can't you at least TRY once in a while?

The site moderator dropped me a line to let me know about what he's up to, as we are both in the business of chronicling the "outsider experience" of the genre, and after looking at his hilarious coverage and reviews I'm thrilled to be in his company. He may not be a gay-type-person himself, but hey -- I'm not a black-type-person, either, but I can still get where he's coming from. We're all just different stripes in the same crazy rainbow! Commence group hugging.

Anyway, it got me thinking -- so I feel goofy enough being a gay horror fan, but what if I were also a black gay horror fan? What would watching horror movies be like then, with even fewer survivors to identify with? And to take it one step further, if I were a transgendered black gay double-jointed lactose-intolerant Faberge-Egg-collecting horror fan from West Virginia, I'd probably probably be just about the least amused person in the world with the state of the genre. Step it up, Hollywood! There's more to life than bloody white chicks!

And... that's all I have to say about that. Check out BlackHorrorMovies.com, and tell 'em Buzz sent ya!

I Still Know! Leaderboard Update
So, as promised, here's the leaderboard as it now stands for the I Still Know! Movie Challenge:

1. Tintorera Joe
2. Tommyross88
3. Dogballz / Hambone (tie)
5. Gayhorrorgeek / spazmo (domestic partnership)

Remember -- the new still goes up this evening, and this week I thought I'd throw in something extra to spice up the pot: the first person to respond with the correct answer will get a CampBlood.org t-shirt and my undying respect. Of course, all players will be entered into the Grand Prize Game, which will eventually earn someone something from under my sink. No, not the personal hair trimmer -- that's for me!

Where the Fart Is
In honor of Presidents Day, I thought I'd share with all of you this very special product: Under-Ease Anti-Flatulent Underwear.

Don't say I never did anything for you, OR for our country.

New Feature: Ask Buzz!
Given the success of the regular I Still Know! feature and in an effort to make things even more interactive around here (without having to actually hire someone to add a Comments section -- those t-shirts aren't exactly buttering my bread, you know), I'm pleased to introduce the new Ask Buzz! feature. Do you have a memory of a horror film that's been haunting your crippled mind since adolescence? Maybe Buzz knows what it is! Curious about a specific actor, actress, or theme? Buzz probably has something to say about it, and it may even be intelligible.

All you have to do is send an email to askbuzz@campblood.org, and every Friday Buzz will post a selection of questions and his answers, which will in all likelihood be wrong, or at least misspelled. In fact, the questions don't even have to be about horror movies -- curious what CampBlood's views are on the flattening yield curve? How about kumquats? This is an experiment, folks -- I really have no idea what might happen -- but it's a way to funnel some of the lovely emails and strange requests I get into something everyone can enjoy. So ask away!!

The Knee Jerk: February 17th
Wherein Buzz shares his thoughts on happenings in the non-horror world. Slow time of year, kids -- and not many screenings for critics, which isn't always a good sign. Still, here's a mild warning about an indie flick going out in limited release this week... oh, and Night Watch opens wider this week, and it's definitely worth a look.

Winter Passing
While it's a bit clumsy and not terribly unique, Adam Rapp's Winter Passing gets a pass from me for a few reasons. One, Zooey Deschanel: a captivating performance from a young actress who always looks like she's had teabags sitting in her eyesockets but is nonetheless gorgeous. Two, its portrayal of the gritty and rather desperate lower Manhattan theatre scene is as dead on as I’ve ever seen. And third, it features a supporting performance by Deirdre O’Connell, who is one of the most incredible actresses I’ve ever had the pleasure to see. Have you ever had a minor character from a film haunt you? Pop into your head for years without your knowing who they are or what about them is so compelling? Deirde O’Connell’s few scenes in Peter Weir’s brilliant 1993 film Fearless haunt me to this day, and seeing her here was like coming home. And given that coming home is what Winter Passing is all about, that’s enough for me. Oh, and memo to Will Ferrell: your freshness date has expired. Sorry.

The Surreal Horror of Garfield
This is totally non-horror-related, but if you have the sick tastes to enjoy half of the shit discussed here, you'll likely get a kick out of it. Somebody -- and I honestly haven't done a lick of research into this site -- had the brilliant idea of removing all of Garfield's thought bubbles from a number of the comics, and the result is quite unsettling. What used to be a bunch of bad jokes about a lonely neurotic and his gay-seeming cat (come on -- he was so finicky!) is now the unedited rantings of a complete sociopath. It's really brilliant -- had Jim Davis never let Garfield speak from the get-go, it actually would have been a decent comic.

Click HERE for the comics -- be sure to scroll down, as they add some real gems along the way.

I Still Know How to Gag You With a Spoon
So while many of you mistakenly thought this week's still was from one of the Dr. Phibes movies, it was actually from the neo-Shakespearian drag king campfest Theatre of Blood, which I happen to adore -- and not just because of the scene where Vincent Price (as a gay hairdresser named Butch) electrocutes Coral Browne in a drying chair. Fabulous.

I Still Know! Week 13 Winners
Tommyross88
Hambone
Spazmo
AstroboyMN
Tintorera Joe

Due to a technical difficulty, I can't process the leaderboard scores tonite, but I'll get it up tomorrow. Like you haven't heard that one before. Thanks to all who played, and check back Monday nite for next week's contest!

The More You Drink, The Better We Look
Buzz here is back at it again, lending his rapidly rotting mind to the lovely ladies over at Pretty-Scary.net, the premiere site for women in horror. This month's Queer Fear column features a delightful Anti-Valentine's Day Drinking Game, for those of you who would rather drink yourself into a state of perpetual heaving on Malibu rather than face the reality of your own crippling loneliness. Actually, I'll join you.

Head on over and check it out!

Shoot That Poison Arrow
So, peeps -- may I call you peeps? -- it's not often that a nugget of emotional truth is able to skittle its way down the PLINKO board of my heart and lodge itself into the coveted $1000 slot. But just two days ago, I received an email that seriously almost reduced me to weeping. It goes a little something like this:

I LOVE YOUR CAMPBLOOD! I've got some of the people of COCK BUSTERS VIDEO asking where did you hear of "some" of these movies???? So I told them about your site.....and you know what happened THEN???? The manager, who makes me all sweaty and say stupid thangs to, asks me out for a movie.....I thought he was str8. SO .....THANK YOU BUZZ (no more LATE FEES...lol).

The idea that this dark and sticky place could actually be contributing to the sex lives of you people is enough to make me kick a hole in a stained-glass window. See, daddy -- even sinners have song!

(As a side note, I did ask this fella's permission to reprint his email and never heard back -- so I've likely led a wide-eyed southern belle into the grip of a cannibalistic maniac in a classic blue button-down and chinos. C'est la vie!).

Jason Goes to Hell, Meets Michael Bay

...and that's really all there is to say about that.

Our Bloody Valentines are Here!
Guys (and gals), I'm seriously more excited about this than I've been about anything in a while -- the new batch of CampBlood.org Valentines are up and ready, and I'm absolutely in love with them. We've got a film-specific theme going on this year, and the images are super-fun -- whether you're more a fan of Jeepers Creepers 2, House of Wax, Blade: Trinity, or Alien, there's pretty much something here for everyone. This year we've made printable versions and emailable versions, for those of you who don't believe in paper or live in pneumatic tubes or whatever.

NYC illustrator extraordinaire Andy Swist has once again lent his talents to the cause -- check out more of his fabulous stuff at his website, andyswist.com.

But first, check out the Valentines! That guy at the gym you've been stalking for 6 months will love you for it -- and so will his wife!

Le Petit Mortuary
So it seems that the (David) hemming and hawing of one sissy critic wasn't enough to secure a decent theatrical release for Tobe Hooper's wacky, genre-defying horror comedy Mortuary, as it is slated to World Premiere on the Sci-Fi channel on March 25th. Well, you can't say I didn't try. Still, there's really not anything in the uncut film that couldn't make it onto cable (seriously), so it's not a bad idea to catch it when it airs -- although I'd likely wait for DVD, myself.

Check out my review of this sadly misunderstood little gem HERE.

A Moment of Silence for Peter Benchley
Sadly, the man behind what is probably the most consistently psychologically scarring movie in history (aside from Baby Geniuses, of course), Jaws, has died. Peter Benchley, well-known for his oceanic thrillers (The Deep, Beast, Creature, etc.). Benchley notably became an outspoken conservationist after the massive success of Jaws (his first novel), and cautioned the public about killing our oceans, including the creatures that his books may have inadvertantly demonized.

Benchley was 65, and while he will be dearly missed, the impact of his contribution to the genre will never be diminished.

Stephen King Ate My Baby
Okay, that's totally not true. But while every aspiring writer in the world can point to at least a half-dozen instances where published writers have beaten them to the punch on their ideas, this is crazy: Stephen King's latest novel, Cell, has almost the exact same setup and story as a script I wrote 2 years ago called Rigor (which is of course now buried in a drawer, with the rest of my dreams). Essentially, a universal cell phone glitch (his is called The Pulse -- which is a bit unfortunate, considering the American remake by that name being released soon -- and mine was caused by a major solar flare) blasts anyone using a phone at a specific point in time into a state of mindless, animal rage. The non-transformed are forced to band together to survive (his involves a group of people who barricade a hotel and then travel north -- very 28 Days Later -- while mine involves a group of young girls interning at a NY fashion magazine who are fighting their way through Manhattan to their apartment - not too camp, do you think?), and of course it doesn't end well for most of them. While King's story carries his trademark dreams, premonitions, and hocus-pocus, mine was much more locked in the real world, and served as more of a gory comment on Manhattan class warfare than anything else.

And, oddly enough, King's also sporting his first gay lead character -- Tom McCourt (mine also had a 2 gay main characters). While I applaud King for his groundbreaking use of a homo horror lead, I cannot condone his treacherous use of mind-reading to pluck the thoughts from my softspot-riddled head. For more on his book, click HERE (t/y Queerty for the link), and thanks as well to Armando for bringing the book to my attention weeks ago (he too was thrilled with the sissiness of it all).

And oh yeah -- my script's totally still for sale, if you want to beat Stephen to the theatres. I'll sell it real cheap!

Happy Folking Valentine's
My pal Deeky and his cast of lovable miscreants over at Surfin' Dead have done just about the most awesome thing imaginable for Valentine's Day -- they've posted an MP3 of the folk theme song of holiday horror fave My Bloody Valentine, for your downloading pleasure. There's really nothing like commuting to work with the dulcet tones of Paul Zaza recounting the tragedy of Valentine's Bluff directly into your brain, is there? Go check it out now, and thank the kids at Surfin' for their invaluable service to the holiday.

While you're busy polluting your iPod with fab MP3s, may I also point out that, after many pleadings and an ounce of research, I've figured out how to turn my Friday the Thirtina mashup into an MP3, in case you want to have it with you at all times -- right-click HERE to download, if you're into that kind of thing.

I Still Know How to Fuck with Hal Holbrook
Sorry about this one, kids -- I think I gave you kids all a little too deep a gander at the inner workings of Buzz's diseased little mind when I put my favorite moment from Girls Nite Out as this I Still Know! challenge. The moment in the opening scene when Nurse Wretched wipes spittle (Malt-o-Meal? Pudding?) from her lip is simply one of the grossest things I've ever seen in my life, and I for some reason thought this image would be instantly recognizable to anyone who's been within 30 yards of a copy of the film. But thanks to my last-inning clue, a few of you kids pulled through (Googling for Dickie -- which one contestant pointed out would be a great sequel to Bowling for Columbine -- would get you what you needed).

I Still Know! Week 12 Winners
Tintorera Joe
Prison Guard
Rockercub
Tommy Ross
Gibb424

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Tintorera Joe 15
2. gayhorrorgeek / tommy ross (tie)
4. Dogballz
5. Hambone / spazmo (tie)

As you can see, things are changing quickly. The immense pressures of early success have reduced former cock-of-the walk Dogballz to a shambling, drooling echo of his former self (fame's a bitch, Ballz), while gayhorrorgeek has made steady progress and looks like he might be the one to take down the big shark, Tintorera Joe. Oh, it's all just so exciting, isn't it? Isn't it? Hello... is this thing on...?

The Knee Jerk: February 10
Given the ridiculous number of horror screenings I had to attend this week, I'm a bit lite on non-horror stuff (I skipped Beyonce and the Reluctant Frenchman for Final Destination 3, which I'm actually not allowed to comment on until tomororw *coughSKIPIT!cough*), but here's my two bits.

Curious George
It's a cartoon about a fucking monkey. There ya go. For what it's worth, Curious George is a simple, refreshingly low-tech, snark-free telling of the classic children's stories (and when you can use "snark-free" to refer to anything involving David Cross, you're in strange waters, indeed) that actually brought a happy tear to my eye when the basic message of unconditional love made its measured entrance. I can't imagine why anyone without a child would ever see this of his or her own volition, but if you're dragged into taking the neices and nephews to it, at least you're not going to be screamed at and assaulted with hundreds of pop culture references for 80 minutes, like most contemporary family fare. In the end, it's pretty classy stuff.

Sympathy for Mister Vaggiepants
Okay, so I totally don't need sympathy, but I just wanted to let you know that no, I'm not dead -- I've just been soooo busy screening fucking movies that I haven't had time to take a decent crap, much less write any posts. But rest assured -- the greasy popcorn-pounds and scorching case of piles that my marathon-watching has left me with are but a faint echo that is easily drowned out by the cheers of appreciation that I'm sure you would all give me for doing this work for you, were you not busy doing coke off of chorus boys' asses and memorizing speeches from Curtains. But it's the thought that counts.

Good news is, my reviews for Night Watch, The Hills Have Eyes remake, The Descent, and Final Destination 3 are just bursting the seams of my overloaded adult diaper, and they'll be sluicing their way onto these pages over the next week. Y'all come back now, hear?

Oh, and as for that random "I'm sorry..." X-Files wallpaper at the right? Absolutely no idea.

Valentine's Bluff
I wish I were here to announce a new set of fabulous CampBlood Print-and-Cut Valentines, but I'm not. But they're on their way! Yes, soon you -- YOU! -- will be able to make all new gorgeous homo horror Valentine's Day cards for the object of your own afflictions, as superbly designed and realized by the delightful and talented artist (and frequent CampBlood contributor) Andy Swist.

But not yet.

There's a teaser at the right of what's in store for this year. Hubba hubba! But for now, be sure to check out last year's batch of humpy honies, and tune back in here over the next few days for the sassy new series!

I Get You Closer to God
A friend turned me on to what is perhaps the most essential internet resource ever created: the infinitely usable Church Sign Generator. Have a friend that's not taking your advice? Having trouble getting the hubby to douche before butt-sex? Nothing adds a little credence to your argument like the endorsement of the First Baptist Church, who has politely offered there services here in an easy-as-pie instant image generator. Use it wisely -- a strategic name-drop can work wonders, but we all know what when you earn a reputation as being 'The Little Boy that Cried God Told Me To', people stop listening.

Program Note
Just a quick note to any of you lovely kids who have been trying to contact me over the past few days -- my hosting company is back to their old trick of fucking me up the ass with a chainsaw while they dangle my money just out of reach, all while making me listen to 98 Degrees. I've been unable to send emails for almost a week and I have no idea if I've been getting all my emails or not -- although, given that I've gotten my usual quota of "Softttttttabs!" "@ialis Bestseller!" "Don't be the Smalest Guy any More!" messages (thanks, Ma!!), I think things are fine incoming and only impaired going out. Anyway, I hope that the lovely folks at my ghetto-ass hosting company get this fucking shit fixed soon, because my ass is halfway out the door already.

Oh -- this also means I'll be holding off on revealing the answer to this week's I Still Know! challenge until tomorrow, when I hopefully have all this figured out. More time for random guesses!

Brokebacklash: Gay Bar Shooting Edition
The fabulous (and informative) WOW Report linked to a truly disturbing story today -- apparenlty some nutbag went into a gay bar in Pennsylvania, asked if it was a gay bar, attacked a bunch of guys with a hatchet, fired shots, and ran off. The authorities "are investigating (the shooting) as a hate crime". Uh, really?

This is horrifying enough as it is, but even scarier when you consider what his motives might have been. Will he be the first bigot to invoke the bound-to-surface "Brokeback Mountain Popcorn Combo Gay Terror" defense, in which a blubbering bubba claims that when sharing a 4-gallon tub of popcorn with his friend at a screening of the new Western picture Brokeback Mountain, he was exposed to a combination of faggy imagery and inter-tub finger-brushing that drove him to the brink of heterosexual madness? You laugh (or, I hope you do), but wait for it. If they can blame crap like The Basketball Diaries for shit like this, high profile gay cowboys are sitting ducks.

End of the Metaphor
From IMDB:

Christian Ministers Divided Over End of the Spear
Christian ministers who initially enthusiastically supported the Christian-themed End of the Spear, produced by Every Tribe Entertainment, became deeply divided after they learned that one of the stars of the film, Chad Allen, is openly gay, the New York Times reported today (Thursday). Opposition to the film was led by the Rev. Jason Janz, who encouraged a boycott by fundamentalist Christians, saying that having a gay man play the role of a Christian missionary was "like Madonna playing the Virgin Mary." Every Tribe has pointed out that some of the criticism verged on threats. For example, it noted, Kevin T. Bauder, president of Central Baptist Seminary in Minneapolis, said on his website, "Granted, we must not overreact. And it would probably be an overreaction to firebomb these men's houses. But what they have done is no mistake. It is a calculated strategy." In a column for the Knight Ridder Newspapers, religion writer Jim Jones noted that the movie was "one of the most ambitious Christian films since The Passion of the Christ" and that half of the profits go to missionary work. He quoted director Jim Hanon as saying, "We know that the character in our film and the actor are not the same. ... We do not agree with Chad Allen over homosexuality. End of the Spear is not about Chad Allen, but rather it's about remarkable people who lived their faith against all odds and dared to reach out, at the cost of their lives."

This is just too funny for words. First, I find it hard to imagine how such an openly (even famously-outed) gay actor as Allen could find himself involved with such a bunch of self-righteous pricks in the first place -- but I guess Do You Wanna Know a Secret 2 must be held up due to Joey Lawrence's busy schedule or something. Don't the producers read The Advocate? Also, the Rev. Jason Janz's comment about a gay man playing a missionary being so outlandish is particualry amusing -- has this man ever BEEN to Salt Lake City? It's a fucking sausage party, yo! Seriously, when I lived there I saw more Mormon dicks than a catheter at the Brigham Young health center.

And come on, guys -- the movie's called End of the Spear. Need me to draw you a picture?

Anyway, look for Brokeback Mountain to somehow be pulled into this, and any other even moderately gay public issue, soon. Oh, and Jim Hanon? Way to support your cast. Go fuck yourself.

By the Waters of Babylon
Buzz here is a little tipsy, but I'm sure you'll forgive me just this once, right? I just got back from the Paper Magazine party for the new HERE!TV show "John Waters Presents Movies That Will Corrupt You", which debuts... I don't know, sometime soon, on HERE!TV, which I don't even think I get. But the important thing is, there was a party.

John was his usual charming self, and he did a quick intro of a preview of the series, which is honestly pretty fabulous -- the films he's picked out are genuinely twisted (pics include Irreversible -- I could probably stop there -- Freeway, Querelle, Clean, Shaven, L.I.E., The Fluffer, Beefcake, Dotty Gets Spanked, and more) and I'd honestly tune in to watch him introduce Mr. Ed if her were doing it. The party itself, at Happy Valley, was a fun mix of industry randoms and celeb-vagues -- I spotted America's Next Top Model's lesbian mediator Kim (looking very Jean-Seberg-meets-Marcel-Marceau -- which, come to think of it, she probably did -- in a black-and-white striped top), fabulous character actress Jackie Hoffman (of Garden State and Waters' A Dirty Shame), and none other than Squirm and Blue Sunshine director Jeff Lieberman milling about the crowd, amidst the requisite downtowners and go-go boys. Intersting party, and one I thought I'd share with you in the few pics I was able to take while holding on to my free vodka. The trannie superstar is of course Amanda Lepore, and John speaks for himself. Big kissy thanks to Chris Tuttle for the invite -- blow in my ear and I'll follow you anywhere. As long as there's a bar.

'Night, kids!

Oscar (the Grouch)
So allow me to throw a mini-hissyfit over the Oscar announcement. Yes, it's that time of year when we reward didactic, headline-sensitive, politically-correct films that make upper-class white people feel like more intelligent, better citizens. Given the voting pool for this set of accolades (seriously -- do you really care what Robert Evans and his merry band of geriatric, cloistered Hollywood drinking buddies thought about March of the Penguins?), I'm never surprised at the pap that they tend to throw up for praise. Come on -- any group that could give Gwyneth Paltrow an award for anything other than "Best Performance by an Over-Steamed Vegetable" should be drowned in a giant burlap sack.

Still, this year's nominees are somewhat infuriating. Brokeback Mountain is a fairly widely-agreed-upon non-issue -- it's both solidly made and has a high liberal-bait factor to make the Academy feel like they're doing something noble. While I won't argue that the film made it this far entirely on its own merits (because, let's be honest, that's nearly impossible to do), it at least has the skills to pay the bills. Likewise Good Night, and Good Luck, which nobody saw but which makes people in the entertainment industry look like they're running the world, which of course is exactly what these guys want to hear. Capote, good stuff -- and biopics are always a pretty safe bet (unless your star has been beating up hotel clerks, in which case you're screwed, regardless of how good the movie was). But folks, please -- Munich and Crash? These are honestly being considered to be the best film of the year? Both films are all talk, no action -- each makes a big deal about saying absolutely nothing. Crash's "resolution"? That racism is everywhere and always will be. Okay, Paul -- thanks for the memo. Munich's? That the violence in the Middle East is pointless and based on a centuries-old standoff that has gotten completely out-of-hand, and can't be stopped. Again, thanks. Lot of help that is. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the theme of the year seems to be "Inaction Speaks Louder than Words". Munich, Crash, Brokeback, and Capote are all about people who are too afraid or self-absorbed to do the "right thing". They're all tragedies about men and women who are afraid to act for themselves, and whose lives are ruined as a result (Capote's decision was at least a little more calculated, but it destroyed him nonetheless).

What's the message here, exactly? While the films that really moved me this year (Walk the Line, Squid and the Whale, A History of Violence, Cinderella Man, Match Point) were about individuals who took the initiative to change their lives and the world around them (for better or worse), we're celebrating the stories of those who took the easy way out or did nothing at all. Is this part of the zeitgeist? Or just a coincidence? I don't know, but I took one look at the nominees and my heart just sank.

An' I'm through...

Sufjan Succotash
I don't generally write about music here, because honestly I don't generally fall in line in terms of taste with much of the horror community or most of the gay folks I know, and don't want to bore you all to tears with ramblings about shit you've never heard of. But something has come along that falls across so many points on my personal interest matrix that I just had to comment on it.

A young fella named Sufjan Stevens, who has been recording his particular brand of eclectic folk rock for about 6 years, last year released the second album in his 50 States Project -- yes, he's pledged to record an album for each of the 50 states. Good thing he's young, I guess. This entry, (Come On Feel the) Illionoise! (yes, Virginia, it's about Illinois) garnered heaps of attention but I never really got around to listening to it until recently. And if you haven't heard it, it's a real kick in the pants.

First off, the kid's got a beautiful set of pipes on him (and that's not where it stops, as you can see from the pic on the right). His measured delivery and understated style places emphasis on the text -- and given that this is a "concept album", it's important to know what in God's name he found so interesting about Illinois in the first place. That's the second thing, by the way -- given that I'm a Midwestern kid who grew up looking across the river at Illinois every day of my young life, there's something like coming home about this album. Of course, Sufjan isn't from Illinois and hasn't even lived there, as far as I know, but he's done his research, with songs about the World's Fair, Decatur, Casimir Pulaski Day (which is on March 1, in case you needed to know), and major events in Illinois' history.

Which brings me to the real reason I'm bringing this all up -- track number 4 of the album, titled "John Wayne Gacy, Jr." By now we all know the story of pediphile clown murderer John Wayne Gacy and his murderous proclivity for possessing young men. But the way that Stevens comes at the story is simply heartbreaking -- it's haunting and seriously beautiful.

There has been much discussion of Stevens' sexuality on various music blogs, but honestly, I could care less if the kid is a sissy or not -- in fact, I'm much more heartened by the recent trend in straight male musicians who aren't afraid to sing about romantic relationships between men (Stevens' "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us!", The Decemberists' "On the Bus Mall" or "The Soldiering Life", anything by Belle and Sebastian -- although the jury's still out on half of them) or tell a love story from a woman's point of view. You go with your gay-vagueness, kids. It's also interesting to note that most of the other chit-chat about Sufjan is about his apparent devout Christianness, which is also an odd issue to raise. Hey -- he's got uncommon sensitivity (which should, in a perfect world, support his devoutness, although in this day and age the two are seen together less and less, unfortunately), and his songs speak for themselves. Plus, anybody who can simultaneously be rumored to be a right-wing evangelical Christian AND a homo is a fucking force to reckon with, in my book. Who's his publicist? Give her an award.

Illinoise also has another horror-themed song, the jaunty "They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!", which is just another of a dozen incredibly solid (and impressively titled) tracks on this record, which manages to mix somber piano, Rogers and Hammerstein string arrangements, what sounds like a high school marching band, a full chorus, and just about anything else you can think of. Check out samples here, and enjoy.

The Chronicles of Reddick
I'm thrilled to bring you an in-depth interview with a jewel in the glittering tiara we call the Homo Horror crown -- Jeffrey Reddick. Jeffrey is responsible for unleashing the wonderfully wicked Final Destination series (they have another installment coming soon -- enter the contest!), and has another exciting project, the witchcraft-revenge flick Tamara, opening next week.

Jeffrey was kind enough to sit down and share his thoughts on being a bottle of Cristal in a case of Thunderbird (okay, I just made that up) in this fabulous interview -- the first that he's ever done with a gay site! See? We're here to serve, ladies.

Check out what Jeffrey's all about HERE.

I Still Know How to Poison a Perfectly Good Birthday Cake
What a tough week for the I Still Know challenge! Yes, despite many insistences otherwise (Girls Night Out, Sleepaway Camp 2, My Bloody Valentine), the answer to this week's challenge is the Canadian killer-tot opus Bloody Birthday, a FABULOUS old chestnut loaded to the gills with sex, blood, and evil kids. As if that weren't enough, it also features a head-scratching appearance by Susan Strasberg, and a jaw-dropping performance by none other than "Just Say Julie" Brown, who even goes topless before getting an arrow in her face (watch her little sister daintily clean it up -- priceless!). They just don't make them like this anymore, kids. Anyway, for the first time in 10 weeks, we had fewer than 5 correct answers. Kids, come to the head of the class:

I Still Know! Week 10 Winners:
Prison Guard
Tintorera Joe
TonyNNJ
Nilblogette

For what it's worth, I find it endlessly amusing that immediately after taking a shit on New Jersey in my post the other nite, an entrant from the Garden State emerged to claim his rightful place. Kudos to you, TonyNNJ!

But most importantly, we've got a regime change. Yes, the nefarious Dogballz has been toppled off his mashed-potato mountain by the only-slightly-less-nefarious Tintorera Joe.

I Still Know! Leaderboard:
1. Tintorera Joe
2. Dogballz
3. spazmo
4. gayhorrorgeek
5. Hambone / Tommy Ross (tie)

Lee Alert!!
Okay, you may have picked up from my review of Tobe Hooper's Mortuary or my drooly fanboy posting a few months back that I am now OBSESSED with uber-fabulous character actress Lee Garlington. For a good idea of all that this woman has accomplished, you really need to check out her filmography - but suffice to say that she played Rose Nylund's daughter on the Golden Girls and got killed with a shovel on Invasion.

Anyway, given Lee's habit of popping up in absolutely everything, I'm initiating an official Lee Alert! Watch, and will report on her goings on whenever I spot her lightening up the screen, big or small.

Today's Lee Alert! comes courtesy of the new interracial romantic comedy (sound clumsy? See the movie.) Something New, which coincidentally happens to star CampBlood's Best Actor in Horror 2005, Simon Baker. Lee appears as the mother of star Sanaa Lathan's friend and co-worker (I can't even remember her name - her only character trait is that she's Jewish). Anyway, Kenya (Lathan) meets Lee at a beautiful garden engagement party. Lee actually acts as the catalyst for the rest of the film -- she re-introduces Kenya to Brian (Baker), her landscaper, not knowing that Kenya had jilted Brian at a blind date only days before. Lee knows not of the botched date, and she mellifluously chatters on about her garden and Brian's considerable skills with plantings and fixtures and such. She's a dream, a vision... a miracle.

More Lee! NOW!

Nilbogging Me Down
Okay, this is just getting scary. Beloved reader Lance, who is rapidly becoming the world's leading expert on all Troll 2-related web presence, sent me what is easily the most disturbing Craig's List posting I've ever seen. Considering that this is a board that regularly features ads for scat parties, dancing amputees, and coke hookups, this is no small feat.

It seems that some prankster (or completely deluded fan) has posted an ad for a timeshare in the fictional town of Nilbog. Those of you who are familiar with the plot of Troll 2, I'm deeply sorry. And those who aren't might be interested to learn that it involves such a timeshare, as a family from the city "trades houses" with a family from goblin-infested Nilbog. Things of course do not end well -- not for the family, mind you, for the viewer. It's less a movie and more shit projected at 24 frames-per-second.

Anyway, the lister was kind enough to note, "P.S. WE ARE NOT GOBLINS AND WE DO NOT PLAN TO EAT YOU." We should be so lucky with all our realtors, eh? So if you're into this kind of thing, check out the listing.

Sick people. It's no surprise that the lister is located in Miami...

The Fucking Devil's Fucking Rejects
It's no secret that I am not a fan of Rob Zombie's greasy hair opera The Devil's Rejects -- I even named it the Most Overrated Movie of 2005. But I still give credit where credit is due, and it's definitely due here.

It seems the lunatics over at Wikipedia have for some reason conducted a quasi-scientific study of the frequency of use of the word "fuck" in motion pictures, and have determined that Devil's Rejects is the clear winner, with a total of 560 fucks, or 5.13 fucks-per-minute. Now, the site clearly states that it is an incomplete list, and welcomes contributions (damn -- if the word were "Tina", we'd have it wrapped up!), but I can't think of many flicks off the top of my head that aren't already on the list.

Granted, I would rather Rob Zombie had been spending his time scaring us, disturbing us, or telling us a fucking STORY rather than just screaming obscenities in our faces, but this is certainly the most interesting analysis of the film I've heard thus far.

As for additions to the list, any suggestions?

Calling a Spade
Wow -- I really stumped you folks this time! I've gotten a flurry of exasperated or just plain crazy emails slinging guesses to this week's I Still Know! picture challenge like so much shit at so many Port Authority bathroom walls. As of press time we've only got one correct entrant, and he's GERMAN. Eat that, Jersey!

I'm waffling on whether I should provide a clue or not... hmmmm... I just wish I could somehow capture the fabulous "clunk!" noise the shovel makes when it hits the guy's head. It's really quite beautiful.

Speed Bumps!
So here's the thing. I didn't go to the screening of the guaranteed-to-suck-anyway Underworld: Evolution (itself the sequel to the guaranteed-to-suck Underworld), out of fear for my life. See, here in NYC there are occasionally screenings that are held for the specific purpose of whipping a bunch of desperate filmgoers into a frenzy and then packing them into a tiny theatre, at which point they are expected to devour one another. Innocent NYU film students are caught in the fray, their lives cut short for the hopes of a glimpse of Doom 14 hours before it opens to the general public. Lesser journalists and fanboys are stampeded. Usually the Village Voice is involved. When I arrived at the theatre last night and realized the kind of clusterfuck I was in for, I remembered the scene in Event Horizon where they find the video footage of when the spaceship went through Hell, pictured myself holding my own eyes in my hands screaming "LIBERATE TUTA ME!", and quickly turned heel.

HOWEVER, I did have a spy who saw the movie at another, non-blood-orgy screening, and he breathlessly reported to me that rising Alpha Himbo Scott Speedman SHOWS HIS SHITCAN in what he described as "the best worst love scene I've witnessed since my days of late-nite Skinemax viewing". Considering he's straight, the fact that he was so attentive in bringing the information to me means that yes, Brokeback Mountain has indeed furthered our insidious agenda far into enemy territory. Needless to say, I'm all atremble. GO SEE IT!

Extra big wet-kissy-but-in-a-totally-straight-way-bud thanks to Clinton, whose insightful review can be seen over at Bloody-Disgusting.

Cocksucking Cowboys
In my research on bad shots (for an article I'm writing for another site), I came across an interesting fact: what we Americans know as a Buttery Nipple (usually equal parts Irish Creme and Butterscotch Schnapps), the Aussies have creatively dubbed the "Cocksucking Cowboy" (an alternate name is "Cowboy Cocksucker"). Given the recent interest in such things, I thought I'd share this with you kids, in case you are having any pre-Brokeback Mountain cocktail parties (or, indeed, pre-Bareback Mountain cocktail parties. Or the other Bareback Mountain screening parties).

For a spirited discussion on the sweet but undeniably delicious shooter, check out this site -- scroll down to see some kids from the Outback weigh in with their thoughts. My favorite comment comes from the refreshingly candid 'Chad':

This is the best shot for when you are drinking White Russians or Bailey's and Vodka....this is an excellent drink...trust me, I am an alcoholic.

I Still Know How to Wear Bob Mackie
Yes, Virginia -- there is a reason for Satan's soldiers to avoid flowing gowns: it makes them look like total pansies! As many of you already know, this week's I Still Know monstrosity comes from the too-camp-for-words 1981 riot Fear No Evil (check out my recap in the Homo Horror Guide). You freaks apparently know this sissified high school demon-made-flesh story like most of our kind know episodes of Designing Women -- indeed, the preposterous Final Frank-N-Furter outfit worn by Stefan Arngrim (brother to Nellie Oleson herself!) would have look divine draped over the pterodactyl-like shoulders of Dixie Carter. I thought I'd stump a few of you with this one, but you kids have been well-schooled in the ways of pure camp horror. Kudos.

I Still Know! Week 9 Winners
Hambone
Rockercub
Spazmo
Tommy Ross
Gay Horror Geek

Spazmo is back from the brink (Brinke?), and reigning queen Dogballz came up snake eyes this week. ESCANDALE! The leaderboard tightens like a well-rehearsed sphincter, bringing us to this:

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Dogballz
2. Tintorera Joe / Spazmo (tie)
4. Gay Horror Geek
5. Hambone / Tommy Ross (tie)

A few of you are mere inches away from infamy (exactly what they told me at that porn audition - *sniff*!), while others have sadly faded into the ether -- what has become of our enigmatic "Fruit Wobbler"? Come back to the five and dime, Greggy Pooh, Greggy Pooh! We miss you kids -- please don't make us lose any more sleep worrying about you. Play next week. And call your mother.

Destination Anywhere
Don't forget to enter into the CampBlood portion of the Final Destination 3 Sweepstakes -- remember, 11 folks from this site will win prizes, and all entrants will be entered into the Grand Prize drawing. The movies themselves are actually a lot of fun (sick fun - very sick fun), and the 3rd flick looks to be right in-line, focusing on the aftermath of a deadly rollercoaster accident.

Make sure to head on over to the official entry page to toss your name into the ring!

Speed Freak
I never bothered to see the werewolves-versus-vampires Gatorade-commercial-cum-feature-film Underworld, but figured that since I'm seeing the sequel tomorrow night I'd better check out the original. See, people -- I do my research. And by "research" I don't always mean digging through Johnny Messner's garbage for used Q-Tips.

My generally negative review is HERE, but let me just say three words: Scott. Speed. Man. Rawr....

Get Yer Skully On: Best of 2005!
Tired of seeing gay cowboy romances, chubby sissy writer bios, and trannie epics get all the attention? Then head on over to the 2nd Annual Skully Awards, the only gay horror movie awards that I happen to write and publish on this site. Also included are the results of the 2nd Annual Peephole's Choice Awards, which remain the only voice of the gay horror movie watching community, as sad as that may be to all of you lovely folks out there.

Thanks to all of you who voted -- and special props to Kevin H. of Salt Lake City, who will receive a CampBlood.org t-shirt just for sending in his random thoughts on the year in horror. Kevin, hope you wear a ladies' small, 'cause that's all momma's got right now. Think of it as something to work toward.

You're the Man Now, Nilbog!
I think I posted a few months ago about my fascination with the whole YTMND phenomenon (You're the Man Now, Dog!): lo-fi, seemingly random tributes to everything you can think of done in a combo of an image and repeating audio (for a great primer, check out Wikipedia's very thorough entry). Or I might not have. Regardless, super-lovable reader Lance has brought our attention to one of the most indescribably fascinating YTMNDs in existence -- one that's based on the beloved cinematic skidmark that is Troll 2.

Remember, kids -- you can't piss on hospitality. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Les Shit Legit
As you may or may not know (and may or may not care), I am a member of the Online Film Critics Society, which might signal to you that their entry requirements have no demands regarding writing ability, intelligence, or chromosome count. And that may very well be so. But as it's that time of the year when everyone tries to tell everyone else what movies they should have seen over the past year (culminating in frenzied red-carpet clusterfucks that keep Joan and Melissa out of the shelters for a few months every spring - like tonite's Golden Globes), I thought I'd share the OFCS Award winners, announced today in a small, tasteful ceremony in which we all logged in in our pajamas and yawned collectively at the winners.

OFCS Award Winners
Best Picture: A History of Violence
Best Director: David Cronenberg, A History of Violence
Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line
Best Supporting Actor: Mickey Rourke, Sin City
Best Supporting Actress: Maria Bello, A History of Violence
Best Original Screenplay: Good Night and Good Luck, George Clooney and Grant Heslov
Best Adapted Screenplay: Brokeback Mountain, Larry McMurty and Diana Ossana, based on L. Annie Proulx’ short story
Best Cinematography: Sin City, Robert Rodriguez
Best Editing: Sin City, Robert Rodriguez
Best Score: Brokeback Mountain, Gustavo Santaolalla
Best Documentary: Grizzly Man
Best Foreign-Language Film: Downfall (Germany)
Best Animated Feature: Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Breakthrough Filmmaker: Paul Haggis, Crash
Breakthrough Performance: Owen Kline, The Squid and the Whale

I'm pretty much on-point with must of them, although I wasn't loving the whole Sin City vibe as much as everyone else, apparently, and think that Paul Haggis should be shot in the face for making me sit through Crash. But whatever. If only the Big Guys were as appreciative of films like A History of Violence, which probably won't get much love at the big awards -- but likely the favor will swing in the direction of them homo cowpokes or that fat little sissy that wrote In Cold Blood, which is fine with me as well. Really, it's a good year to be a gay genre fan -- we're pretty well-represented across the board. Now if Cojo just bursts into flames on the red carpet, it'll be the Best. Golden. Globes. Ever.

The Masters Get Lucky
Due to my recent minor surgery (and subsequent crippling-yet-fabulous Vicoden abuse), I actually found myself home on a weekend evening, and in a moment of devil-may-care adventurousness (translation: too many dolls to get to the remote), I decided to check out what's been going on in the world of the disappointing middle-aged circle-jerk that is Masters of Horror.

And am I ever glad that I did. Out of left field, Lucky McKee (whose May was strong and showed definite promise, although his much-maligned follow-up, The Woods, has been sitting on various shelves for a year) delivered what is thus far the most complex, original, and satisfying piece of the series (I missed the Richard Donner episode, but I'm still going to speak in hyperbole as though I know what I'm talking about), the gross-out romance Sick Girl. I'd like to give Lucky a slap on the ass for the following reasons:

1. Dykes, Dykes, Dykes! Lucky continues his fastination with gay women (May has a fling with a hilarious predatory lezzie played by the wonderful Anna Faris, and given that The Woods is set at a cloistered girls' school, there's gotta be some fuzzy-bumping going on there), but this time it's not just a passing sensation -- the entire story centers around a lesbian romance between a geeky entomologist (Angela Bettis of May and Toolbox Murders) and a flaky hippie-chick (Erin Brown, best known as softcore babe Misty Mundae) that gets complicated by the arrival of a mysterious - and very nasty - insect. The slim 1-hour story addresses straight male fetishization of lesbians, fear of queers "contaminating" children, parents' anger or confusion at their child's gayness, and tells an awkward-yet-sweet old-fashioned screwball romance at the same time. The two women are treated as emotionally complex people, not just queers -- and the unsettling resolution to the tale brings a sobering view of the power that the older, less progressive generations still have over the youth of today. Seriously -- I couldn't believe how seriously McKee took his subject, and how deftly he was able to fold this story into a horror film.

2. Laughter! Thrills! Suspense! The one thing that has been the most disappointing about this whole series is how agonizingly boring most of the episodes have been -- these guys apparently became "masters of horror" because they broke rules and plowed new ground, but by this point most of them are sadly out to pasture. I love that it took a young upstart like McKee to blow the lid off the project by bringing the most original story to the table, and not being afraid to let it get quirky. Sure, some of the comedy in Sick Girl is admittely cheesy and ham-fisted, but it's consistent through the piece, and at least it's a bold choice. Now just remember Stuart Gordon's woeful Dreams in the Witchhouse or Mick Garris's unwatchably bland Chocolate - these pieces also tried to incorporate humor and quirk into their stories, which only proved how amazingly out-of-touch their directors were. They were about as cutting edge as a stick of butter. The other "masters" could certainly learn from McKee's enthusiasm and daring.

3. Practical Effects. Thank GOD McKee avoided cheesy CGI effects or lame camera tricks (see the so-so Fair Haired Child for an example of how to ruin a movie with lame post-production speed-alteration) and opted for good old-fashined puppets and makeup. This is the first episode that actually made me look under my pillow before going to bed.

Anyway, I know I said I had sworn this series off, but I just got so excited about the queer story of Sick Girl and the otherwise (and totally unrelated) above-normal quality of the episode that I had to encourage you to check it out. Plus, it's kind of fun to see a young director tell the rest of the Masters where to hang it.

Rest in Peace, Shelley
When I reported Shelley Winters' heart attack in October, I cracked wise, as she was reportedly bouncing back nicely. But now we've lost one of our great actresses (and one who wasn't afraid to poke some good-natured fun of herself later in her career), and that's something to stop and think about for a minute or two, snark-free.

Shelley was a real beauty in her younger days and a hell of a good actress, playing tragic and comic and everything in between - sometimes all in one role. My personal favorite is probably Mrs. Haze in Stanley Kubrick's Lolita -- she walks the line between pathetic and hilarious like few actresses could, even if they had the guts to. Shelley also made a good number of horror/genre flicks, including Polanski's The Tenant, Night of the Hunter, The Mad Room, Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?, What's the Matter With Helen?, Revenge, The Devil's Daughter, Tentacles, and more. We hope that her family and friends are coping well with her passing.

Final Destination 3 Contest! Forreal!
The kids at New Line are running a fun promo in connection with their upcoming release of Final Destination 3, which is already giving everyone I know Dramamine-resistant heebie-jeebies due to its subject -- a deadly rollercoaster accident. To soother our damaged nerves, there's a sweepstakes afoot that will dole out DVDs, swag packs, and even a TV and digital camera to some lucky winners -- and we here at CampBlood are thrilled to be able to bring some of this booty to you (sadly, that is the only booty that we'll likely bring to you).

Yes, every horror site and its mother is running this same contest, but here's the trick: each site gets its own First (1) and Second (10) prize winners (all entrants across sites go into Bozo's Grand Prize Game). So you kids have it made! As far as I can tell, my mom and 10 closest fiends will soon be sitting pretty with all sorts of FD3 merch. Don't say I never did anything for ya, kids.

All you gotsta do is head on over to the Final Destination 3 Sweeps Page and go from there. Best of luck, ma!

Happy Mother's Day!
Sure -- some people associate Friday the 13th with bad luck, devil worship, or crazed killers in hockey masks. But we here at CampBlood equate this special day with doting single mothers, fisherman sweaters, and Betsy, Betsy Betsy!

If you haven't had a chance to check out my circuit-party-themed Friday VII tribute, Friday the Thirtina, do right-click and download it right HERE. Nothing will better prepare you to get faced on toxins and troll for the man of your dreams in a sea of shirtless men.

You can also refresh yourself on a few of the Fridays with my reviews of the original and the superlative first sequel, which features favorite Final Girl Amy Steel and similarly circuit-party-ready Tom McBride as a hottie in a wheelchair.

Have a great one, kids! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

I Still Know How to Give Good Head
Or, rather, to give a good axe to the head. The answer to this week's I Still Know! riddle was of course Dario Argento's gloriously garish Tenebre, which ranks as his most offensive film to just about everyone and everything, including good taste. Boasting liberal doses of crazy Americans, quibbling lesbians, mincing gay journalists (a topic close to my heart, of course), and ultra-bloody deaths, Tenebre is as nutty as a fruitcake and twice as crumby -- if you haven't seen it, do check it out.

I Still Know! Week 8 Winners:
Hambone
Nilblog (et Nilblogette)
Tintorera Joe
Dogballz
Tommy Ross

This naughty little bit of giallo bumped Spazmo out of the second-place tie with Tintorera Joe, and allowed a few of the feisty young bitches waiting in the wings to topple some of the reigning queens down the stairs - leaving the leaderboard thuslish:

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Dogballz
2. Tintorera Joe
3. Spazmo
4. Gay Horror Geek
5. AstroboyMN / Hambone / Tommy Ross (tie)

Remember, kids - everything's fair game here: clawing, weave-pulling, husband-stealing, you name it. Think of it as Dynasty for gay men. Which, really, it was anyway. Be sure to play next week!

Friday the 13th Part Gay
If you've read the deliciously detailed Crystal Lake Memories or heard its author, Peter Bracke, speak, you're already aware that Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood is as queer as a three-dollar bill. In an odd bit of coincidence, this entry into the beloved slasher franchise also features over 50 instances of the word "Tina" (that's about once ever 90 seconds). Given the recent issue of the swelling use of crystal meth (commonly referred to as Tina) in the gay community and the gayness of The New Blood, I thought that this connection needed to be brought to light -- naturally, in the form of a song.

Yes, as my early Friday the 13th gift to you, I have sampled about 40 of the "Tinas" from Friday VII and edited them into a Madonna song (what else? We are talking about a Circuit drug here, people...). Take off your shirt, do a bump*, and enjoy!

Click HERE to download the Tina-riffic tune (note: you may need to right-click and Save As to get it to download).

*We at CampBlood in no way endorse the use of crystal meth. We're strictly into hash. Or not -- see below...

Buzz Pulls a Matthew Perry
I know I'm behind on getting the Skullies out, but to be completely honest I had a bit of minor surgery, which has left me a bit incapacitated -- and more importantly, stoned on Vicodin. WHEEEEEEE! But I've processed the Peepholes Choice votes, and they're a bit surprising -- thank you to all who voted, and you'll be seeing the fruits of your labor as soon as I can get off the couch and finish my work on it. In the meantime, don't forget to check out this week's I Still Know! challenge -- it's a juicy one!

Best,

Buzz (retaining water and happy as a clam)

Hostel Takeover?
Given my "checkered" history with Eli Roth movies (does 1 checker constitute checkered?), I thought I'd weigh in quickly about his latest effort, Hostel. I couldn't suss out the screening situation in New York, so I ended up going last nite to the Court Square theatres in Brooklyn, a notoriously lively venue. Which is fine with me -- generally at critics screenings of horror movies you just get a lot of crossed arms and sighing.

Both the film and the audience were tamer than I'd expected. I'll give Roth huge credit for bringing back lots of sex and dismembered body parts in what is otherwise a very accessible, crowd-pleasing horror thriller -- he somehow manages to make the movie dirty without being sleazy and gory without being overly disturbing. Which is great if you're a studio head and want to make tons of money, but maybe not so good if you are looking to have your face smashed in by a truly fucked up flick. All told, this is WAAAAAY better than the crapfest that was Cabin Fever -- he's still giving into his fratty impulses to joke around with cheap slapstick, but he's certainly tempered it here in favor of actually telling a coherent story (instead of the "Pancakes!" kid we get the "Bubblegum!" kids, but at least they serve a purpose here). The performances are very solid, all around -- particularly lead hottie Jay Hernandez, who - despite occasionally looking like a latino Hal Sparks and having put on a few pounds - is drop-dead yummy all the way through. The torture scenes are actually not as disturbing as we've been led to believe and quite sparse -- which is fine, really, but the rest of the story is just a bit too predictable to be justified by such a tame payoff. It's not until the final act that things really get interesting, and although the ending isn't entirely satisfying, it's certainly acceptable (and better than the other version they shot, which you may have heard about). My only complaint is that most of the film feels half-complete: most of the storylines are the inklings of interesting characters and situations that never end up developing. For example, there's the setup of a gay-seeming character that never goes anywhere, and seems to be put in there just to shock us. And oh yeah -- Eli's up to his old trick of using the word "fag" whenever he can -- which actually just made me lose most of my respect for the leads within the first 20 minutes. If the gay-baiting had a purpose, I'm all for it -- but it just seems to be thrown in there for no reason, like many of the other "character" elements. And as I didn't notice anyone calling anyone a "spic" or a "kike", it makes me wonder what the whole gay thing is all about with this guy.

On the whole, though, it's got some fun moments, some great gore moments, and is far less self-conscious than his debut, despite getting quite silly for about 15 minutes in the middle. Watch for blatant references to Suicide Club and Takashi Miike's cameo, which is actually kind of pointless. Oh -- and cancel that romantic getaway to Slovakia. Those people are fucked up! Full review to follow...

Afterthought: see, I'm not the only one! The chicks at Pretty-Scary, who named Jay the Stud of the Month, also picked up on the Hal Sparks thing. Check back for hot identical twin slash-fic! Or not.

Asia, I See Ya
For those of you who are Asia Argento fans and also happen to live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (no, not the place in Virginia where they dress like Paul Revere and make their own paper), you might be delighted to hear that the MK Gallery just last night kicked off an exhibit of photographs of everyone's favorite hot-yet-occasionally-vaguely-piggish-horror-director's-daughter-turned-horror-actress. The works, entitled "Some Girls Wander by Mistake", are by Stacey Mark and will be shown through January 23rd. At that time, a portrait exhibition of Tara Reid entitled "Some Girls Wander Because They Are Too Drunk to Find their Way to the Bathroom" will replace it.

Check out the gallery's website for more info.

MOTW Madness!!
We here at CampBlood.org pride ourselves at being well-rounded individuals. And by that we certainly don't mean "fat" -- we haven't eaten more than iceberg lettuce and lemon wedges since the Reagan administration. No, we mean "versed in varied, curious, and widely disparate phenomena". If, of course, you consider the small-screen brethren of our favorite camp and horror flicks to be "various" or even vaguely "disparate".

Regardless, we have a very special burial ground for these retro fuckers, and it's called the Movies of the Weak. If you, like my mother, were too squeamish for Cujo, well -- Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell may be more your speed. Grossed out by Lost Boys? Try the kinder, gentler I, Desire. Actually, don't -- it kind of sucks. Still, these ambitious, kind of random, and occasionally white-hot PG-ers are a part of our genre tapestry, and for that we love and celebrate them.

With the invaluable assistance of the lovely and talented Amanda by Night (of Film Threat and Pretty-Scary fame, among others), we have been slowly chipping away at the massive lump of marble that is the MOTW catalog. It's not an easy job, people -- aside from the sheer volume, this endeavor occasionally puts one in the direct path of movies featuring a geriatric Barbara Stanwick or an unacceptably tight-panted Andrew Prine. But out of sheer love for you, we take these bullets regularly, and share with you the spoils of our findings.

That was all a self-indulgent, horribly drawn-out way to say: "Hey sponge -- there are a few new MOTW reviews up, and they aren't going to read themselves, you know."

Vote or Die, Die, My Darling!
Don't forget -- you've got one more day to be heard in the second annual CampBlood.org Peephole's Choice Awards, the only gay horror movie common vote award in existence, as far as I know (but then again, I just figured out a week ago that the Burger King was actually a "ceremonial designation" rather than a ruling monarchy). Taking that "anything goes" approach this year has paid off in spades -- you kids are coming up with shit that I could never have imagined, including one point that, despite being the modest man that I am, I have to speak to: no, I am NOT eligible for any of the awards. I appreciate those of you who have written me in (especially for Horror Hoochie), but I'm simply not fair game. I'll remind you of the rules and categories below -- you have until midnight tomorrow night to bellyache. If you don't have 3 votes for a category (like Best Horror Movie, maybe?), don't worry about it -- it's just less for me to ignore. Vote early, vote once!

Again, the rules are:

1. Read the below categories. I've written them in English, to make this part easier. Unless you don't read English, in which case I can tell you to go bathe in pee right now and you'll have no idea what I'm saying.

2. Choose 3 entries for each category -- in place order (1st, 2nd, 3rd). It's essential that the entries are ranked in order, as a weighting will be assigned based on rank. If you want to leave out a category, that's fine -- but do enter the requisite 3 noms for any category that you do choose to vote in.

3. Email me your submission by midnight on Friday, January 6th to skullies@campblood.org. The winners will be posted a week later with my Best and Worst of the Year feature, The Skullies (for a refresher of last year's winners click HERE.).

A random entrant will receive a CampBlood.org tee!

2005 Skullies Peephole's Choice Award Categories

1. Best Horror Movie
2. Worst Horror Movie
3. Biggest Disappointment of the Year
4. Horror Himbo of the Year (male)
5. Horror Hoochie of the Year (female)
6. Horror Homo of the Year (yes, they have to be gay. And human - none of this "Mother Earth" bullshit, even if it IS Bea Arthur...)
7. Eli Roth Award for Disparate Ratio of Exposure to Talent
8. Gayest Moment in Horror in 2005

I Still Know How to Have a Pillow Fight!
This week's I Still Know! challenge was interesting: a slew of you knew the answer right off the bat, while an equally boisterous slew were quite convinced that the image was from a completely different -- though just as queerly beloved -- film. The answer, of course, is the gloriously lesbianic slasher Slumber Party Massacre -- my clever trick of featuring a still of the two expendable male characters (looking every bit like they are about to kiss) didn't throw you crazy queens off the scent, although many of you thought that perennial fave Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge was the culprit. True, had there been prominently-displayed Shalamar or Kate Bush posters on the wall, this could have been entirely true. But as it is, it's just a few lonely sissyboys lost in a sea of predatory lesbian fecundity.

I Still Know! Week 7 Winners:
T-Bone
Dexter
Tintorera Joe
Dogballz
Bent Boy

Which causes a huge upset in the leaderboard, toppling the cavalier Spazmo off the throne and letting the dark horse Dogballz reign alone for the week. It's really an exhilarating turn of events -- I think I just broke a sweat.

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Dogballz
2. Spazmo / Tintorera Joe (tie)
4. Gay Horror Geek
5. Dexter / T-Bone (tie)

And just so you know, there's a 5-way tie of vicious queens just itching to break onto the leaderboard (or maybe just itching) with one measley point, not to mention another dozen or so below them -- so make sure to play next week!

God Help Valentine's Bluff
The trapping and death of a group of men in a coal mine certainly isn't anything to make light of, but if we've learned anything here at CampBlood, it's this: comedy = tragedy + time. Granted, in our case "time" generally means however long it takes us to crawl out from under our coffee table, pee in a potted plant, and stumble to the laptop, but the idea is still there.

So it is with a heavy shrug and a one-way ticket to hell (and back) that I make light of the recent tragedy in West Virginia, which left all but one of a group of trapped miners dead of carbon monoxide poisoning and shattered the peace of a small, quiet community. Thanks to the goadings of a few readers apparently even more less scrupled than I, I am driven to ask:

Is Randal McCloy the new Harry Warden?

Yes, in a bizarre - and, one might assume, unintentional - imitation of the slasher classic My Bloody Valentine, this horrible situation essentially requires that the one surviving miner, Randal McCloy, be committed to a mental hospital for one year, at which point he will escape, murder a few folks and stuff their hearts in candy boxes, and demand that the West Virginia Valentine's Day Dance never be held again. Fast forward to 2027, when a group of scrappy and vaguely Canadian-looking kids with jet-packs decide to hold a dance, only to find themselves brutally attacked and murdered by a man in a gas mask. Or maybe that's The Prowler... anyway, the important part is that they have jet-packs.

The whole "life imitating art" thing is bad enough when the "art" in question is Can't Buy Me Love or Baby's Day Out (don't ask). But in this case it's turned a somber tragedy into something totally creepy. And that's not even considering the fact that this all happened in a place called "Tallmansville" -- should we also expect that the funeral home that will house the victims boasts a killer metal ball and a portal to another dimension? Sheesh!

Either way, enjoy Valentine's Day while you can, folks. 'Cause pretty soon your Whitman's Sampler is gonna feature a new flavor.

Terrorvision
While we're on the subject of my insensitivity, I may as well post an essay that I wrote over the holidays as a result of my unease over the critical response to Munich and Wolf Creek, films which I find to be alarmingly similar in their focus on despair -- which one would never know given the critics' efforts to laud one and vilify the other (I'll let you guess which is which). I try not to get too preachy here (ah-ah-ah-CHOOlyingsackofshit!), so essays are pretty rare. But the whole subject of horror versus terror has been heavy on my heart the past few years, so I thought I'd put these thoughts out there to hopefully start some discussion and maybe spark debate. Granted, I don't mean debate with ME, per se -- that's what boyfriends and "massage therapists" are for.

In an interesting coincidence (do two horror-loving sissies make a zeitgeist? A poltergeist?), my friend Rich over at the awesome fourfour published an essay today that also addresses Wolf Creek and exploitation cinema. They could almost be considered bookend pieces, if all your books had pictures of bloody naked people in them. It's seriously a great read -- check it out.

The 2nd Annual Peephole's Choice Awards
Yes, kids -- it's time to get festive again. Last year we introduced the first ever anywhere in history gay horror movie people's choice awards, and you all weighed in with your lunatic, crack-addled opinions on the biggest, brightest, and best-chested that horror films had to offer.

This year, we're back at it again, although the process is a bit different. Instead of my giving you nominees this time around, it's gonna be all you -- if you'd like your voice to be heard, here's what you need to do...

1. Read the below categories. I've written them in English, to make this part easier. Unless you don't read English, in which case I can tell you to go bathe in pee right now and you'll have no idea what I'm saying.

2. Choose 3 entries for each category -- in place order (1st, 2nd, 3rd). It's essential that the entries are ranked in order, as a weighting will be assigned based on rank. If you want to leave out a category, that's fine -- but do enter the requisite 3 noms for any category that you do choose to vote in.

3. Email me your submission by midnight on Friday, January 6th to skullies@campblood.org. The winners will be posted a week later with my Best and Worst of the Year feature, the Skullies (for a refresher of last year's winners click HERE.).

I'm even going to pick a random entrant to receive a CampBlood.org t-shirt, just for being gay and fabulous. Unless they're straight, in which case I'll send them an Ann Geddes calendar.

2005 Skullies Peephole's Choice Award Categories

1. Best Horror Movie
2. Worst Horror Movie
3. Biggest Disappointment of the Year
4. Horror Himbo of the Year (male)
5. Horror Hoochie of the Year (female)
6. Horror Homo of the Year (yes, they have to be gay. And human - none of this "Mother Earth" bullshit, even if it IS Bea Arthur...)
7. Eli Roth Award for Disparate Ratio of Exposure to Talent
8. Gayest Moment in Horror in 2005

This is your chance to be heard, bitches! Sure, it's like yelling directly into the engine of a taxiing 747, but it's better than nothing, right? Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

I Still Know! Week 7
Well I feel rested -- how 'bout you?

Kick off the new year with a brand-spankin' I Still Know! movie still challenge and give me a day or two to clean the cobwebs out of my ears (translation: sober up). Remember, you've got until Thursday evening to enter the running contest!

Humpy New Year!
As we move into 2006, let's try to ignore the bad parts of the past year in horror (House of Wax, Devil's Rejects, Hide and Seek) and focus on the silver linings (Hellbent, Wolf Creek, Elton and David's wedding). It may have been a pretty limp year for horror films, overall, but there's always hope for the future -- and hope, after all, is what I am here to bring to you sick, sad, sorry little perv-monkeys.

So I would like to wish each and every one of you a very happy New Year -- and to help me do so, indie Horror Himbo and all-around nice fella Joseph Zaso (5 Dead on the Crimson Canvas, Nikos the Impaler) has shared with all of us this exclusive pic (for more on Joe and what he's been up to, check out his company's website). Don't say I never did anything for you kids -- your cries have not gone unheard.

See you all in 2006!