In Which Buzz's Dreams are Answered
Ladies and ladies, there is a god: Ryan Reynolds' giblets are back on the block.

Cemetery Man: Not Just Bare Bones
Aside from the time I bummed a smoke off him at the Roxy, the frequent, delicious nude scenes that Rupert Everett did in Cemetery Man (check out my recap in the Homo Horror Guide) are likely as close to the man as I'll ever hope to get. If you're a fan of his statuesque form -- or even if you're not and just dig a good Michele Soavi flick -- you've GOT to pick up the long-awaited DVD release of this fabulous existential zombie film (originally titled Dellamorte Dellamore, after the graphic novel upon which it is based). The horror comedy is atmospheric, very bloody, touching, hilarious, and bursting at the seams with man-meat. Seriously -- it's pretty amazing.

For DVD details or to buy Cemetery Man, head on over to Anchor Bay's website.

The Knee Jerk: June 9
In which we discuss movies outside of the horror genre -- right, as if there WERE such beasts!

A Prairie Home Companion
A meandering, breezy, homespun yarn, Robert Altman's unabashedly cornball film adaptation of Garrison Keillor's long-running Prairie Home Companion radio show accomplished something that few films have been able to pull off: it made me homesick. For the most part, Companion washes over you like a warm late-summer breeze, urging your shoulders to relax, the corners of your mouth to curl upward, and your fingers to type cheesy similes like "washes over you like a warm late-summer breeze". The cast is simply amazing (as one has come to expect from Altman) - even the wildcard, host and creator Garrison Keillor (let's just say he "has a face for radio") is so fascinating to watch that his awkwardness on camera doesn't really register. Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin enjoy the bulk of the screen time as the last two remaining sisters of a once-prosperous Christian family band - their rambling remembrances may get on the nerves of Streep's suicide-obsessed daughter Lola (Lindsay Lohan, who must have bought her agent a housefor scoring her a role that's not opposite a wacky automobile), but their heartfelt songs are so nicked by heartache and rounded with grace that they steal the show. Overall the relaxed performances, variety show vibe and down home good nature of Keillor and his greatest creation keep the shapeless spread of Companion from falling apart entirely, and the film will stay with you for weeks after as a foggy, pleasant memory. For the chance to see what might be the last from a master (and an appropriate finale, at that), or perhaps just to get a little homesick, this film's quite pleasant company, indeed.

Why My Parents Fucking Rock
On the topic of homesickness: so I'm going home to see my parents in the Midwest this week, and I just got the most hilariously awesome email from my sweet mother (whom, despite my occasional references here, is neither undead nor insane -- sorry, ma!). The particular line that really got my goose went a little something like this:

the river festival is going on that weekend and dad has gotten us all tickets to see styx at 8:30 down at the river front. i hope the weather cooperates. it should be fun.

I don't know which is more terrifying: the fact that my parents bought Styx tickets for the whole family, or the fact that, for the first time in my life, my musical tastes are actually in line with those of my folks. Either way, watch out -- Mister Roboto is comin' home!!

Hey, Everybody -- Fuck Macy's!
Daily destination Queerty (which has really found its footing in recent months, IMHGO) had a unique angle on the whole "Macy's Slaps the Dick Out of Gay Pride's Mouth" situation when one of their more boisterous readers made fliers shaming Macy's for the cowardly act of removing rainbow-flag-swathed mannequins from the windows of their Boston store in response to a series of lame conservative complaints. Oddly, the Gay Pride-themed window itself remains, only with no mannequins or clothes in it -- apparently the concept of equality is alright, as long as it doesn't involve any actual people.

Anyway, the issue has snowballed and one kind reader posted a sample of a form letter to be sent to Macy's, along with about a dozen addresses of corporate employees. I'm gonna paste it here just in case any of y'all care to pitch in. Oh -- and although I hope that no one would shop at Macy's in the first place (it smells and the merchandise is always molested), I'd recommend boycotting all Federated Department Stores (which includes Bloomie's, Hecht's, Marshall Field's, and -- GASP! -- Filene's) until they replace the display, or at least pull their head out of their ass and apologize. Seriously -- I haven't eaten at a fucking Wendy's since they pulled their advertising from Ellen back in the mid-90's. Let's put our money where our liberal mouths are. Or something.

To:
terry.lundgren@federated-fds.com, thomas.cody@federated-fds.com, thomas.cole@federated-fds.com, janet.grove@federated-fds.com, susan.kronick@federated-fds.com, ronald.tysoe@federated-fds.com, karen.hoguet@federated-fds.com, kimberly.reason@macys.com, lisa.kauffman@macys.com, ellen.fruchtman@macys.com, elina.kazan@macys.com, ronnie.taffet@macys.com

Shame on you.

I find the removal of the gay pride mannequins in Boston to be among the most offensive corporate acts in recent memory. Macy's action to remove the mannequins was an cowardly act of capitulation to a group which actively seeks to dehumanize the lgbt population and deny us basic dignity, rights and respect. Your actions are egregious, and unless Macy's restores the display, reaffirms its open, non-negotiable support of its gay customers nationwide, your actions will be met with my complete and total boycott of The Federated corporation ad infinitum.

Reading the Entrails: 6/6/6 Spectacular!

British mommies-to-be expecting the Antichrist.

A call to arms for Slayer fans. If there are any that actually have computers. Oh, I KEED! I KEED!

Don't worry, Colorado is safe. Buy your granola in peace, hippy bastards.

NYC bike race cancelled. It's all for you, Damien!

Cuntless.

Uh, yeah -- $250 for a fucking musical IS the devil's work. Although I do love that "Defying Gravity"!

Kathy Griffin and the Antichrist: two great tastes that taste great together.

And what does this fag have to say about all this?

In the Blood at NewFest
NewFest (the NYC Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgendered Pickles Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun Film Festival) kicked off last week with the East Coast premiere of Strangers with Candy. This year the fest is alarmingly light on genre fare, and seems to have returned to the safer waters of shirtless epics and drag queen comedies. Well, there's a time for everything, I suppose. The only remotely dark, cultish, or genre-related feature I found on the program was In the Blood, which summarizes itself in this fashion:

In the Blood is a college-set supernatural thriller with a gay twist. Cassidy is in his senior year and is starting to finally, if secretly, explore his attraction to men. When the attractive young man makes a date with Victor, a Latino hustler, he experiences strange, disturbing visions of his sister, Jessica, covered in blood. Meanwhile, Jessica, a freshman, and her roommate have learned that a potential serial killer is on the loose on campus, targeting blonde, virginal girls like Jessica. Will Cassidy understand his visions in time to save Jessica? And what roles do the siblings‘ mysterious aunt Helen and Cassidy’s best friend Mike have to play? First time feature director Lou Peterson has created a dark, fun, and surprising film that will keep you on the edge of your seat.

Hmm. Well, that's interesting, at least. I haven't been able to find a single word on the film or anyone involved anywhere, so this one's a total wildcard -- of course, in continuing service to you good people, I'll be checking it out to see if it's worth its weight in digital videotape.

For the full schedule of films at this year's fest, click HERE.

I Think I'm Gonna Like it Here!
Just so you know, we've completed moving this entire shitheap over to a new hosting company -- hopefully one that will treat us (and you) better than the bastards we used to use and who shall remain unnamed (cough!Peoplehost!cough!cough!).

I'm already thrilled with the service and performance, but if any of you little darlings experiences any issues with the site or notices anything odd (excluding poor grammar, uninspired writing, and a shameless disregard for the facts, of course), do drop me a line.

Leapin' Lizards, Sandy! This place fucking rocks!

Dead Serious Screens and Screens Again
The sassy, satirical vampire romp Dead Serious (review, set visit) has announced two more upcoming screenings -- the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors and the Philadelphia International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival (which I believe premiered Hellbent two years back -- way to go with the genre stuff, guys!). If you're convenient to Los Angeles or Philly, or don't mind a pleasant drive, do check this one out -- it's fun stuff.

Check out updates and more dates at the official Dead Serious website.

Carrie White Burns in the East Village
Hey, kids -- looking for a fun way to spend next Friday night? How about going to prom? No, not a REAL prom, but the screening of Brian De Palma's glorious, operatic campfest Carrie at the Two Boots Pioneer Theatre?

The fun folks over at the 'Neer are throwing a prom of sorts (as if every Friday night in the East Village weren't a prom, right?), with everyone's favorite telekinetic tampon-target as the guest of honor. I've actually never seen Carrie on the big screen (I know, I know -- blasphemous! But I was an infant when it came out, dahling...) and would be there with bells on were I not off on another assignment that evening (translation: court-ordered rehabilitation).

Head on over to the Pioneer's website for more info and tickets -- and PLUG IT UP!

The Knee Jerk: June 2
Dipping a toe into the non-horror pond, finding it too cold, and returning to our tattered big-box VHS copy of Pandemonium.

The Break-Up
Blah, blah, blah -- is it terrible? No. Is it worth seeing? No. The Break-Up's biggest mistake (aside from casting brisket-headed Vince Vaughn as a romantic lead -- eeeewww!) is that it doesn't go far enough in either direction. Were it a screwball comedy about a breakup, that would be fine. Were it a dark, dangerous comedy about a breakup (a la the fabulous War of the Roses), that would be fine. But in deciding to take the subject seriously, Peyton Reed (Bring it On) shoots himself in the foot. It's just not funny, or even entertaining, when two fundamentally decent people fall out of love with one another. Full stop. The movie's as gay as a goose -- Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers, the new Mac commercials with John Hodgman) plays a flaming gay receptionist at the art gallery where Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) works, which is coincidentally owned by mantis-like camp-icon-in-the-making Judy Davis; Brooke's brother is played by Best in Show's fabulously flaming John Michael Higgins (who also voiced Mentok the Mindtaker for Harvey Birdman) as a gay-seeming a capella singing fanatic; and Opposite of Sex hunk Ivan Sergei plays one of Brooke's suitors (as if there were a chance she'd be with Mister Potatohead if guys like THAT were sniffing around her hydrant). It's all done competently enough, but really -- what's the point of a movie about a breakup where you don't want the two people to either get back together or murder each other? Here you just want them to leave one another alone, and that's kind of bland. After it ended I shrugged and thought, "now that's too bad", which isn't exactly the feeling you want to have walking out of a comedy. No thanks -- I prefer my break-ups ridiculous, hysterical, or blood-soaked.

Rumors of Our Death Have Been, Like, Totally Hissied-Out
So you may have noticed that CampBlood was off on one of its patented Bandwidth Benders the other day. Yes, apparently one of our beloved video babies (that damned Stephen Geoffreys!) got plucked up by a video site and drained our bandwidth like so many drunken Fleet Week sailors in a dark alley off 11th Avenue. Or so I’ve heard.

Anyway, sorry about the outage and all – for what it’s worth (cough!not much!cough!), I’m moving this whole shantytown to a new hosting company, so there may be some glitches here and there over the coming weeks. But it’s all not tears and hardship, my little urchins – with change comes opportunity, and I hope to bring some new fun features to the site as I try to save it from completely caving in on itself in a dusty, lavender-scented heap of moldy, lace-trimmed memories and dashed dreams. Miss Haversham, eat your fucking heart out.

Thanks for sticking with us.

Hey -- new review! Remember those?

This Used to Be Their Playground
You probably saw some notices last week that Dante Tomaselli's new horror flick Satan's Playground will be hitting shelves this August, thanks to Anchor Bay. The story is about a family on their way to a camping retreat in New Jersey that stumbles upon a twisted backwoods family who terrorizes them for sport. So it's basically, like, a documentary. Oh, I KEED! Although I wouldn't recommend going farther than Hoboken without an uzi. The flick stars Sleepaway Camp's Felissa Rose, Evil Dead's Ellen Sandweiss, and none other than CampBlood's latest Horror Himbo, Danny Lopes.

Anyway, sure -- the big sites had the news first and fastest. But did they also have this super-cute picture of Felissa, Dante, and Ellen to go along with it?

I think not.

I Still Know How To Let My Fingers Do the Walking
This is it, kids – the last week of the inaugural round of the I Still Know Movie Still Trivia Challenge Wad. There has been laughter, there have been tears – we’ve faced dramatic upsets and crushing defeats, and probably a lot of uninterested eye-rolling. And probably because it was the last week (or was that still really that hard?!), hardly anyone played. If there ain’t the chance of winning something from under my fridge, you just can’t be bothered, can you? I can read you bitches like a book… a big, gay, drunk book…

Anyway, the still was from the incredibly unpleasant 80’s slasher Eyes of a Stranger, and yes, that is cruise-director-cum-Anchorwoman-in-Peril Lauren Tewes herself throwing her head back in ecstasy after she completes a table-turning phonecall to the film’s villain, who looks just like the dad from Family Guy. Creepy, right? Given my minor obsession with this scene (I used it in several video mashups), I thought this would be an easy one. Still, only a few of you kids got it right, and I’m not actually going to bother posting the winners because I’ve contacted them directly already and it’s a moot point anyway.
So instead, here are the grand stats for the first big 6-month (yes, a full half-year) round of I Still Know!

Prom King: Tommy Ross (Tommy will receive a Campblood mug, t-shirt, and some other shit)
Second Place: Spazmo
Third Place: Tintorera Joe
Honorable Mentions:
4. Hambone
5. Dogballz
6. Rockercub
7. AstroboyMN / gayhorrorgeek (tie)

The Rest of You:
9. deeky
10. InfoEd / nilblogette (euchre partners)
12. first_Darren / Prison Guard (three-legged-race team)
14. Dexter / locomojo (swimming buddies)
16. T-Bone / The Diz (paddy-cake champions)
18. macabre / PatrickStillLives (tandem bicycle squad)
20. BoyBlunder / fruit wobbler / gibb424 / greggy pooh / LtRipley / TonyNNJ (doo-wop group)
26. Bent Boy / Mister Mister (butt buddies)
28. Anonymo / crab&crow / Miss Marion / patrickfromdallas / rjserrano / Simon / stever / tommjb / Vince / Zack (all-male Crisco Twister orgy)

We’ll be taking a few weeks off to allow our brain-wounds to heal and get prepped for the next round, which will feature new rules and new ways to win! Check back in June for more hot action!!

Descent: Into Madness?
The Diz tipped me off to the recently-unveiled onesheet to the American (read: edited for stupidity) release of the British nightmare The Descent, easily the best horror flick I’ve seen in a few years. I’ve already posted an extremely positive review of the original cut and complained at length at the fact that Lionsgate, who is releasing the flick stateside, apparently thinks that we Yanks are too stupid or fragile to handle the ending and are changing it. Thanks, Mommy.

Anyway, the onesheet can be seen in its full-sized glory HERE, and after taking a gander, riddle me this: doesn’t this look more like those Hanes commercials with the Momix all-female dance troupe than a horror movie? Regardless, I do kind of get what they’re going for (this movie is all about women and their relationships with one another) and kind of don’t mind the high concept approach – but if they trust us to interpret a picture of bunch of chicks in a sportsbra orgy as a horror movie, why can’t they trust us to handle the film itself as it was intended?

Grumblegrumble…

God I Miss Jack…
You may have read recently that our beloved Horror Himbo Joe Zaso will be filming a new flick entitled Barricade in Germany next month. But what you may not have heard is that the film features a full nude skinny-dipping scene! Yes, folks – Joe’s sauerbraten may be on full display in a matter of months for your frame-by-frame enjoyment.

If I hear any more details I’ll let you know – in the meantime, you can check out Fangoria’s coverage of the project HERE. And if you haven't boned up on Joe and his considerable assets, check out his Himbo File!

Socket To Me!
Hey – remember Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror? Well, it’s chugging happily along in post-production and its producer, Sean Abley, recently announced his next project with Dark Blue Films, the sci-fi/horror feature Socket. Sean is writing and directing the story of a surgeon who is struck by lightening and becomes addicted to electricity. He finds a group of similar electro-junkies and devises a way to install sockets into human flesh in order to allow the addicts to mainline their drug of choice. Does this sound totally batshit? Well, that’s only the beginning – add onto it the fact that all the characters happen to be lesbian or gay, and you’ve got the makings of one of the strangest genre hybrids I’ve ever heard of.

The flick shoots through June in and around LA. Stay tuned for more updates….

Sullivan's Travails
Buzz has been at it again, trolling the truckstop bathrooms of the information superhighway looking to catch horror filmmakers in, shall we say, "romantic misunderstandings". Once again, he has somehow managed to convince a queer (in this case bisexual) horror filmmaker to bare his very soul to you, the homo horror public, in exchange for little more than a few kind words and an undisclosed sum of unmarked bills in a manila envelope slipped under the door of the last changing room in the Barney's men's furnishings department. But that's another story.

So who's on the slab this time, you ask (with a pronounced lisp)? Why, it's Tim Sullivan, writer and director of the splatter sequel/remake 2001 Maniacs and the upcoming delinquents-in-peril spooker Driftwood. In this candid interview, Tim talks about the transformation that Maniacs underwent between the pen and the screen (particularly when it came to the gay bits), the current climate in Hollywood for gay filmmakers, and the unholy communion between the sissies and the horror geeks. It's quite an interesting read, and we're delighted to add Tim to CampBlood's growing Homo Horror pantheon -- or at least, we will be, once we learn what "pantheon" means.

Read on, Macduff!

The Knee Jerk: May 26
Thoughts on the non-horror releases of the week. There, did that sound boring enough?

X-Men: The Last Stand
God help me, I actually liked this movie -- and that's a lot coming from someone who has been close enough to Brett Ratner to choke on his Drakkar Noir and live to tell about it. Despite being drop-kicked by Bryan Singer (whose Superman Returns is actually my most-anticipated movie of the year), The Last Stand is somehow the gayest film of the series. For one, the storyline about the government's plan to "cure" the mutants with a vaccine is oddly resonant considering the ongoing debate between the gays and the conservative douchebags who think that homosexuality is a disease, or even a choice. Second, Magneto is a queen on a rampage as he rallies an army against the humans in response to the threat -- he's like an ACT UP! rally with capes and mass casualties (indeed, Ian McKellan has said that he channeled his fury against Jerry Falwell for his performance in the climactic action scene). And let's talk about Angel (Ben Foster), the pharmaceutical company's pass-around-party-mutant, whose blond hair and washboard abs are screaming "80's Falcon Video" even BEFORE he's strapped up in leather restraints. And last, as Wolverine, light-footed Aussie beefcake Hugh Jackman literally has his clothes shredded off of his bulging, hairy body in the final scene. In a word, it's glorious. And even aside from all the camp (is there such a thing?), the movie is a fitting and well-considered final chapter. Each character has a mini-arc of his or her own (some of which are quite surprising -- Rogue and Mystique, particularly), there's lots of new mutants to play with, and they kill off a shocking number of leads -- there's seriously more drama, backstabbing, surprise deaths, and unlikely alliances than in an entire season of Dynasty. Phoenix (Jean Gray's alter-ego, in this version) is truly terrifying, the action scenes are inventive and epic (there's a bit with a bridge that has to be seen to be believed), and there are honestly so many fires burning at once that it's a miracle that the movie gets wrapped up at all -- but it does. And I liked it. Extra points for managing to work the internet video catchphrase "I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!" into the script.

Get Your Lopes Up
Good morning, folks -- it's the start of a whole new week! And what better way to kick off the last full week of May than with a brand-spanking-new Horror Himbo File?

This week's specimen is Danny Lopes, the fine young fella you may have seen in this month's Playgirl magazine. Danny has appeared in a number of horror films (his performance as the tripped-out lead mental patient of Dante Tomaselli's Horror might be his best-known) and he has graciously taken a few minutes to submit to the Himbo Files Questionnaire and share a few pictures with us.

For the goods on Danny (and last month's Himbo, Joe Zaso), head on over to the feature's new page. And don't say I never did anything for you, mmkay?

I Still Know That I Eat Like a Bird
Yes, this week's was an easy one, I Know. But after the last 2 stills, which apparently made a few of you apoplectic, I thought it was time to throw you an easy one. And some people still got it wrong, indicating that I'm not the only drunk involved in this ridiculous flea circus.

But here's the Big! News! -- next week will be the LAST of the I Still Know! Movie Still Challenges... for this round. The game has been quite successful, so I'm going to make it a more structured affair, with some new rules to keep things fresh and set durations for each set of challenges -- and yes, people will actually win stuff. After next week we'll name the winners of the inaugural round, the slate will be clean, and it's seriously anyone's game again. Be sure to tune in next week for the new rules!

I Still Know! Week 25 Winners
Hambone
Spazmo
Deeky
First_Darren
AstroboyMN

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. TommyRoss
2. Spazmo
3. Tintorera Joe
4. Hambone
5. Dogballz

I'd like to welcome newbies Vince and Miss Marion (how apropos...) to the game -- welcome, it will all be over before you know it. That's what happens when you show up after Communion.

Oh, and a word about the still itself: I generally pick stills that have a bit of queerness to them, but this one begged to be used because it's one of the funniest moments of what is actually a slyly hilarious film, Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. Hitchcock packed the movie with gags, believe it or not (notice how the license plate of one of the vehicles has the letters ANL? Not a coincidence.), but this moment is just plain funny: when batshit bellhop Norman Bates makes an inappropriate comment to Marion Crane in his taxidermy-happy office, she suddenly looks a her toast as though it just materialized in her hand and she has never seen bread before in her life. It's really a priceless moment, and one worth watching over and over.

The Knee Jerk: May 19
Non-horror reviews for the week, of which I have none. Shoot me, okay? Remember, I lost a baby this week.

See No Evil didn't screen for critics, The Da Vinci Code is being treated like the fucking Holy Grail itself (I couldn't get Sony to respond to my requests if I offered them real estate in exchange), and you couldn't drag me to see Over the Hedge, sorry. I did catch Omen!, but I'm not allowed to talk about how monumentally pointless and lousy it might or might not have been for a few weeks -- but here's a very amusing account of the Q&A that followed, sent courtesy of my favorite Italian Stallion: HERE. There just aren't enough common folk telling directors of bloated studio remakes that their film is a "piece of shit" anymore, right?

UPDATE: The page was moved, very slightly. The link works now.

ABC ATE MY BABY
It's official -- ABC has gone and sunk the only television show that I have watched loyally since Buffy went off the air, the wonderfully layered and deliciously thrilling Invasion. Now it's true, part of me is simply upset because I won't have the impossibly perfect Eddie Cibrian (The Cave, But I'm a Cheerleader) in my living room every week anymore, but really -- it's a fantastic show with a great plot and wonderful actors (Kari Matchett is a fucking GODDESS) and it really didn't deserve the axe. Do you think that maybe putting an involving, dense show like Invasion after a dense, involving show like Lost was a bit of overkill, programming morons? Whatever, they killed my baby and ate it raw, ass-first. I don't think these people realize how much I loved this show. I fucking stalked Deputy Lewis, for chrissakes! Do they not see how gloriously unhinged my shit is?!

Granted, there are rumors that the CW Network (the new WB/UPN Voltron) might pick up the show, which might even be a good thing. But still, if you were a fan of the show be sure to tune in tomorrow for the finale and write an angry, profanity-ridden email to ABC to complain. Eddie would want it that way.

Vanilla Extracted
Tomorrow a very intriguing little flick (I say "little" because it's 47 minutes long, not because it's insignificant. And no, I'm not a size queen.) hits DVD courtesy of our fine fabulous friends over at TLA Releasing -- it's called Vanilla and it explores the softer side of gay serial killers. No, seriously. The film is a coming-of-age story wrapped in a hazy dream and tied in a bow -- it's kind of creepy, kind of erotic, kind of artsy-fartsy and really quite good (check out my full review for more uneducated ramblings on the matter). I haven't really seen anything quite like it, and it is definitely a salve for the wounds of anyone who's been sliced to ribbons by the horror flicks that have been in the theatres the past couple of weeks.

Check out TLA's site for stills from the flick and more details. And while you're there, check out their Danger After Dark section -- they've been beefing up their acquisitions and more nutty flicks are popping up all the time!

On the Subject of My Wardrobe Malfunction
Thank you to those who have pointed out that I am, indeed, wearing the same t-shirt in the photo from my wonderful Maria Thayer encounter that I happen to be wearing in the photo from my wonderful Nathan Baesel encounter. I have been made fully aware of the situation and steps have been taken to both find me a new t-shirt and dispose of the offending garment altogether. Rest assured that my excitement at meeting both of these spectacular artists has been sufficiently diminished as a result of my carelessness. I appreciate your concern regarding this matter, and ask that you return to focusing on the editorial content of the site or ignoring me altogether.

Thank you. It's nice to know you bitches are looking out for me.

Hey -- new still!

Nothing Beats the Coppertop
Folks, I have had a religious experience.

Last nite, at my friendly neighborhood gay bar (Metropolitan), I had the distinct pleasure of meeting and being photographed in a compromising position with none other than the lovely Maria Thayer, aka Tammi Littlenut from Strangers with Candy.

Just take a look at the pic at the right. I think the Passion of the Buzz is quite evident in my pie-eyed, vaguely horrified expression -- and no, that's just not because I haven't had a woman in my lap since I played Santa at the StoneyVillage Retirement Home back in 8th grade: it was TAMMI. FUCKING. LITTLENUT. She of the flaming red locks and cheeks like cold-kissed country apples. The only girl to stick with Jerri Blank through 3 seasons of absolute batshittiness, including various impositions on her spirit and person (who could forget the baby episode when Jerri orally violates Tammi in the cafeteria?), Maria's Tammi was a beacon of good-natured wholesomeness in a sea of perversion and ugly hilarity. She was our innocent familiar, our Laura Engalls, our Jeanne D'Arc. And I've nearly got my mitt up her skirt.

Anyway, Maria was kind enough to take a few minutes to chat with me about the feature film prequel to the series (which comes out this summer and which she is in, along with other members of the original cast and a buttload of bizarre cameos -- Ian Holm?!) and her other recent projects (look for her on the big 128-hour Will and Grace series finale, as well as the upcoming comedy Accepted, starring Jeepers Creepers' Justin Long). She's adorable, spunky, very sweet, and wears fierce red fuck-me pumps to fag bars. LOVE. HER.

Anyway, just had to put that out there - it's not often that I randomly run into someone from a project that I genuinely adore. Oddly enough, Maria's not the first cast member from Candy to hang out at this particular bar - Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Tickles, Jimmy Tickles!

I Still Know That It's Handi-CAPABLE
This week really threw you bitches for a loop, eh? Despite my spoon-fed dead giveaway (check out the caption underneath the photo of the creepy redhead from yesterday), only FOUR FUCKING PEOPLE got that the answer to this week's I Still Know! movie still challenge was Michael Winner's awesomely awful Scream for Help. If you haven't seen this movie, you really need to -- it's terrible in the absolute best way (read my review for some sparkling examples). Anyway, two of the four winners even admitted to never having seen the damn film -- using their Little Orphan Annie Decoder Rings (i.e., the Google Search bar at the top of the page), they searched CampBlood for "wheelchair" and found the incriminating write-up. Way to use your noodles, kids! Now go away, mommy's drunk.

I Still Know! Week 24 Winners
Deeky
Tommyross
Tintorera Joe
Spazmo

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. Tommyross
2. Spazmo
3. Tintorera Joe
4. Hambone
5. Dogballz

Thanks for playing, freaks! Next week I'm throwing you a bone, so be sure to check in on Monday for a new still. Considering you'll all be attending Poseidon Adventure drinkalong parties this weekend, I imagine you'll need all the help you can get.

The Knee Jerk: May 12
White-Castle-sized mini-reviews of non-horror films coming out this weekend. Half the calories, all the irrelevance!

Poseidon!
The exclamation point is mine - just wait until we get Omen! next month...

Anyway, even if you’re not a fan of the you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me original, you have to admit it has 3 things going for it: 1) a truly unique setup, in that an entire luxury liner flips upside down and sinks with thousands of people inside; 2) a hilarious cast of colorful characters, ranging from a priest to a couple of siblings to a singer to an overweight
former swimming champ, who bicker like chickens despite their situation; 3) Shelley Winters. No one’s going to argue that it’s high art, but it’s fun to watch – the accident is audacious, the survivors are prickly and wonderfully colorful, and the production design has a kid-in-a-funhouse feel that makes the most of the upside-down predicament. Poseidon, on the other hand, fails on all counts. Remember the original film’s signature image of the tuxedoed man falling slo-mo into the ballroom’s stained-glass ceiling? Nothing here even approaches that iconic quality – it’s just wet, loud chaos, competently staged and perfunctorily executed, but without panache. And really, what’s the point of sitting through the preposterously overblown deaths of thousands of soggy rich people if there’s no sense of theatrics?

Well, how about the characters? Does this remake offer the snap-crackle-pop group dynamics of the original? How about when Stella Stevens calls Shelley Winters a fat-ass and says that she’s not about to get stuck behind her in a tunnel? This is a major crisis, folks – people are going to be at their wit’s end and a little cattiness is going to bubble to the surface. Sadly, that’s not the case here – let’s take a look at these characters and see if we can determine why they’re so damn boring. First, there’s the Reluctant Hero, Dylan Johns (an amazingly unendearing Josh Lucas, who looks alternately coked-up and constipated from beginning to end), who gives us absolutely nothing other than leftover Navy know-how and bug-eyes.

How about Alpha Rich White Family, the Ramseys? Pop (Kurt Russell, sadly looking as though he’s retaining half of the water he’s submerged in) is a former NYC mayor, which is preposterous – New Yorkers would never vote in someone so achingly bland (wait… on second thought…). He can’t accept that daughter Jennifer (The Phantom of the Crapera's Emmy Rossum) is a woman now, even though she’s obviously about 20 and secretly engaged to her completely inoffensive, loving boyfriend Christian (Texas Chain Saw's yummy Mike Vogel). Isn’t Pop about, I don’t know, 6 years overdue for the whole “my little princess is all grows up and I can’t bear to see her boobies!” routine? Again, laaaaaaaame. Well, how about suicidal homosexual Richard (Richard Dreyfuss)? The gays are always good for a sassy quip or two, right? Wrong. The producers nailed that the original film has a huge camp following and did well to include a gay character, but seeing as how he’s just as dull as the rest of them, it’s really an insult by inclusion.

And of course, there’s no Shelley Winters, so we’re down on all counts (we won't even get into how Kevin Dillon looks like an extra from Johnny Dangerously - it just... hurts... too much). Bogged down by clichés, devoid of any compelling characters, and just flat-out boring, Poseidon defiantly stares irony in the face by staking claim as the first full-fledged disaster of the year. And really, if you were on a ship where Fergie was performing and the damn thing flipped over and sank, wouldn't you grab the bitch and use her as a floatation device? That's what you can do with all that junk!

Pretty/Scary Film Fest 2006
Those naughty ladies over at Pretty-Scary.net are at it again, having just announced the call for entries for Pretty/Scary Film Fest 2006, to be held in conjunction with Ghengis Con in Pittsburg in September. Are you a lady-type (or happen to know of one) who was instrumental in the production of a kickass horror short or film? Definitely send it in -- the Wicked Stepsister Suffragette of the horror universe, Pretty/Scary will not sleep until women's contributions the genre are fully recognized -- and we're talking beyond bloody ya-ya's (although they celebrate those as well, of course). Head on over to the site for more info -- and while you're over there, check out the Queer Fear column. I hear the writer's a total
ho-bag...

Reading the Entrails...

A history of embarrassing deaths.

America's Next Dropped Model?

Shuhman, where are we?

Someone call Tangina!

Jack Ketchum, Call Your Lawyers
According to Production Weekly:

Catherine Keener and Ellen Page (Hard Candy) will star in The Basement. The Basement is based on the shocking true story of a murder that stunned the nation back in the mid-1960s. The film centers on Getrude Baniszewski (Keener), a seemingly ordinary housewife and the mother of seven, who imprisons a beautiful teenager Sylvia Likens (Page), who has been left in her charge, in the basement of her Indiana home. Filming begins later this month in Los Angeles.

Is it just me, or is this the same story that Jack Ketchum's enormously disturbing novel "The Girl Next Door" is based on? When I saw The Lost last week Ketchum mentioned that the rights for a film version of the book had been optioned, and my screening compatriots and I seemed in agreement that such a film would be fucking impossible, as the book is so incredibly twisted and brutal. So either this film is a fast-tracked execution of that option, or these filmmakers have beaten Girl to the punch. To make this even stranger, the director helming the film is none other than Tommy O'Haver, best known for Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss and Ella Enchanted. Now, were the evil housewife being played by Sean Hayes (in drag) and the teenaged victim by Anne Hathaway (with the ability to shoot stardust out of her ass), THAT would be something...

Hush, Hush Sweet Search String Report
Back by popular demand. Yes, these are actual search strings that real sickos like yourselves entered into search engines like Google, Dogpile, what-haves-yous, that somehow led them to this site. I’ve listed some of my favorites below, as well as my thoughts on what the flying unholy fuck they might have been trying to find…

burnt vagina
That’s just wrong – never leave in for more than 10 minutes, and never on more than 250 degrees. You don’t want to dry that shit out.

man eating dog
People, get to know your hypens. No, not “hymens”, HYPHENS. Unless you really want to see a man chowing on a Pomeranian.

girls armwrestling videos
Again, a little phrasing would help, unless you want to see women going all Over the Top on VHS tapes.

hart bochner ultra hot
Yessssssss!

hide not thine light under a bushel ryan reynolds
I love you fucks.

anne geddes hedgehog
I can only imagine what this poor Christian soul stumbled upon when they came here looking for a baby dressed as roadkill.

eric stoltz friday the 13th
Uh… not that I know of?

mattress humping
I believe that you were looking for this.

sissy female magician
All aboard the Trannie Train! Curiously, there's also an episode of the fabulous Canadian TV show Friday the 13th: The Series that featured a cross-dressing magician.

susan george sexy
Not on my site, she ain’t! But her costar in Tintorera sure was…

polish sausage san diego county
Either someone is trying to buy kielbasa in California, or someone is out to polish every pickle in the greater San Diego area. Either way, what does that have to do with the price of Eyes of Laura Mars in China?

valerie harper highway
Is that a euphamism? Or not…

movie about girls in a mortuary girl with toothbrush
That would be One Dark Night. And no, I wouldn’t recommend actually watching it.

camp blood clothing
Why of course!

canadian hairdresser mirror awards 2006
Who the fuck are you and why aren’t we married?

eye knife doll raven coffin
Yet another soul searching for the Stepfanie Powers Failure, Sweet Sweet Rachel.

film growing pubic hair
Either someone needs to get to a free clinic STAT, or this person has scarring memories of the movie The Peanut Butter Solution (as do I, friend… as do I). No idea why this led here.

bradley cooper shirtless or naked or nude or gay
Because really – aren’t they all the same?

kari wuhrer has a penis
Now you be nice! Oh...

her breasts were inadvertently displayed
Sure they were. And my dick was just getting fresh air.

these are the best times of our lives...these are the best times
Killer Party! Yaaaaay!

whore
Who’s asking? Bitch?

The Horror That Dare Not Speak Its Name
There's a new homo horror website up, kids -- and it looks like it could be a fun one! The site's called Unspeakable Horror and its aim is to provide a mouthpiece for gay horror writers (those that don't have mouths for their pieces already, mmokay!).

At this point the "online community" (that sounds nice, eh? Like when old folks' homes are called "retirement communities") could pretty much go in any direction, but the editor, writer Chad Helder, has posted some pieces detailing his thoughts on "monstrous queerness", camp, and slasher movies -- both to give an idea of the kind of queer horror he's interested in and to spark discussions. Remember discussions? That's what people who actually care about things have, in order to gain new perspective and dig up new truths. Unlike this site, which is pure one-sided propaganda, thank you very much.

Anyway, if you're a horror writer with a little sugar in your Tang (or a walkie-talkie on your hip, ladies), I'd encourage you to submit a story or two to the site and see what happens. What's the worst that could happen?

A Groovy Kind of Horror
Speaking of "discussions", I also wanted to point you thoughtful folk in the direction of an interesting essay I stumbled upon today on Groovy Age of Horror, a nifty blog dedicated to horror paperbacks, Groschenromane, fumetti, comics, and movies of the 60s and 70s (and here I thought MY site was a niche unto itself...). The author, Curt, makes an interesting observation about the recent bumper crop of "torture porn" horror movies, and why, as a horror nut, he has no interest in seeing them.

Taking a somewhat Aristotelian approach (my god, I haven't heard anyone refer to fallacies in YEARS!), Curt challenges what he considers to be 2 fundamental horror film/fan "myths": 1) that fear is the most important or ONLY ingredient a horror film needs; and 2) that the job of a horror film is to invoke "real fear behaviors" in viewers (crying, shaking, vomiting, etc.), as opposed to, say, making them think or feel. While I have a little more tolerance for this more intense and visceral brand of horror (I liked both Hostel and Wolf Creek, after all), I quite agree with much of his argument, particularly the idea that the people making many of these films -- most of which consider themselves die hard horror fans -- might have a misguided concept of what horror is all about (anyone who has seen Murder-Set-Pieces or Chaos will know exactly what I mean).

When I started this site a few years ago I was trying to figure out what the connection is (if indeed there is one) between a person's gayness and his/her enjoyment of horror, and 3 years later I haven't really gotten any closer to an answer (although I have ammassed some hot shirtless pics of Ryan Reynolds, which is just as rewarding in the long run). I don't personally enjoy seeing people get tortured and mutilated, and while some of the more sadistic horror of late has seemed to argue that that is what horror is all about, I firmly disagree. There's got to be something else on the table -- and while the other ingredients can be anything from humor to pathos to dramatic irony, they're essential to creating an engaging, invigorating experience. Otherwise it's just House of Wax, harder and more often. Carl's essay is an interesting attempt at justifying that disconnect - give it a looksie, and then get back to beating off to Bloody Birthday.

Oh, Danny Boy!
You bitches are gonna LOVE this one.

It seems that super-cute Danny Lopes, whom you might remember from Dante Tomaselli's Horror and Desecration (and his upcoming Satan's Playground), has decided to give us all a better look at what's under his hood by posing for Playgirl. The issue is on stands now, and the lean, mean evil-fighting machine is displayed in his full glory. I would have posted the pics here, but there's that whole "copywright" thing that I kind of have to worry about. In fact, Danny can probably kick my ass for stealing a pic from his website. Go ahead, Danny. And don't be gentle.

Keep an eye on this kid -- as if that were difficult! -- as we may have a full-fledged Horror Himbo on our hands here. Watch your ass, Ryan! No, YOUR ass. Danny also likes Avenue Q and the Olsen Twins, so you'd actually have something to talk about with him other than how rad Alanis's new CD is.

UPDATE: I just noticed that Danny also posted pics on his site of himself in drag (even pregnant drag) as a child. This guy rocks.

I Still Know Not to Fuck with Susan Tyrrell
I This week's I Still Know! weekly movie still challenge was admittedly a toughie, but really -- I've been throwing so many bones to you people that I feel like Rick Solomon at an Elle Girl Magazine pool party. And a few of you clever Trevors were still able to suss out the correct answer, so it wasn't all for naught.

The movie in question is the deliciously deranged Night Warning, aka Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker, aka Nightmare Maker, aka Momma's Boy, aka Thrilled to Death, which pits poor cute young Jimmy McNichol and a pre-Newhart Julia Duffy against psycho auntie Susan Tyrrell in one of the most bizarre and queerest adult slashers ever made. Boasting everything from a gay gym coach to a white hot 10-alarm crazy-matron freakout (courtesy of Tyrrell, who goes for fucking BROKE), Night Warning is a rare find but an absolute must-watch (you can find out more in my recap over on the Homo Horror Guide).

I Still Know! Week 23 Winners
First_Darren
Hambone
tommyross
Tintorera Joe
PatrickStillLives

Honorable Mention:
Greggy Pooh, whose enthusiasm for this week's winning answer was so delightful that it merits mention despite his not making the first 5. Someone likes his Jimmy McNichol good and throttled, apparently! And no, I don't mean Christy.

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. tommyross
2. Spazmo
3. Hambone / Tintorera Joe (awkward gay 2-step)
5. Dogballz

Cruisin' for a Susan
While we're at it, can we just take a moment to send all our good gay vibes ("gibes"?) to Susan Tyrrell? Anyone who would write and perform a one-woman show called "My Rotten Life: A Bitter Operetta" is aces in my book, particularly when said operetta was conceived BEFORE the poor woman lost both legs below the knee to a near-fatal illness (Johnny Depp, her Cry Baby co-star, famously hosted a benefit for her at the Viper Room at which Chloe Webb auctioned off a pair of Tyrrell's shoes).

This woman's an institution, and should have far more squealing, pearl-clutching attention paid to her than boring gasbags like Cher and Madonn-ra. There's a wonderful piece on her in the LA Weekly from 2000 that's totally worth a read if you're not familiar with her -- now get out there and rent her stuff!

Viva la Tyrrell!!

Reading the Entrails...

Put down the Round-Up!

This one's been all over our news lately, if only because for once it wasn't
Donald Trump.

Oh, damn -- dead Nazis are really better for annuals...

Lewis returns!!

Whatever Happened to Gay Steven?
I don’t know if you caught the Dynasty reunion show, “Catfights and Caviar”, but aside from the shocking realization that Linda Evans now looks like a drag version of Diane Sawyer (seriously – tell me I’m wrong), it was pretty lame. But one thing got me thinking: we know that Catherine Oxenberg married Casper Van Dien and had a reality show, but what of some of the other spawn? In particular, oft-maligned homo son Steven Carrington?

I did a tiny bit of digging and found something interesting: Alpha Steven Al Corley (he left the show and was replaced, post oil-rig-explosion, by Jack Coleman) has recently gotten into the business of producing horror movies. Just last year he exec produced 3 of them, including the pretty-good Behind the Mask, the very good The Gravedancers (currently screening at Tribeca Film Fest and the best of the bunch there), and the Stuart Gordon-directed, David Mamet-scripted, William H. Macy-starring thriller Edmond, which I’ve never heard of. In the last 30 years, Corley has played one of the first fags on primetime television, worked the door at Studio 54, released a hit single ("Square Rooms") fathered and cared for 3 children (the oldest of which is sadly stricken with Wolf-Hirschhorn syndrome) with his wife, and produced 3 indie horror movies. This guy deserves some kind of award.

Nothing “Vanilla” About It
Friend of CampBlood.org Joe Graham, whose intriguing and utterly unique meditation on queer longing and fear, Vanilla, comes out on DVD thanks to TLA on May 16th, sent along notice of a free screening of the eye-popping and rather humpy flick next week in San Francisco. I know, I can’t IMAGINE that any of this site’s readership would be located in such a conservative town, but just in case I wanted to pass along notice. If you do go (and I’d definitely recommend it), tell Joe Buzz sent ya, and don’t hog all the pie.

In Joe’s own words:

TLA did an amazing job with the DVD -- superb image quality, 5.1 surround, great box cover, sweet menus, etc. available to rent or own May 16th. Join us in celebrating the film's release with a free screening, food & drink. Good people, good times, and the Big Screen makes a Big Difference! Hope to see you there!

FREE SCREENING: "VANILLA"
("The Citizen Kane of Gay Erotic Ghost Movies!")

Thursday, May 11th @ 8:00pm
Shelton Theater
533 Sutter Street @ Powell, Union Square, SF
Punch & Pie (catered w/ bar)
Includes the comedic short film "The Lady's Foot”

You kids have fun, and check out Vanilla on TLA's website when it comes out on the 16th!

The Knee Jerk: May 5
Cinematic goings-on outside of the horror world, as processed through the elaborate filtration and purification system of yours truly. It’s like a rock polisher, only with that “movie theatre popcorn” smell.

Mission: Impossible III
Or as I like to call it, "The Little Egomaniac That Could". The third film in the series is probably the best (I say “probably” because I’ve erased the original from my mind entirely and didn’t even bother seeing the sequel), and were it not for the overdone central performance of everyone’s favorite emotionally detached dwarf, it would totally rock. As it is, the pace is really frustrating – we go from kickass action sequence to badly-acted “Oscar scene” (Tom Cruise cops so many “wet eyes” in this movie that you’d seriously think he spent more time studying Demi Moore’s performance in Ghost than practicing stunts – and after the “crying” challenge on Top Model, I ain’t buying those crocodile tears!) and back again, the cumulative effect of which is making you wish Cruise would shut the fuck up and let J.J. Jackson Abrams do his damn job. If you like Alias and wouldn’t mind watching a 2+ hour episode that mysteriously replaced Jennifer Garner with a strangely compact 10-year-old, then you’ll love it. Even if you don’t, a kickass appearance by Keri Russell (Felicity can kick some ass, bitch!) and great supporting help from Simon Pegg (Shaun!), Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, and the ever-wonderful Philip Seymour Bitch (there’s not a drip of lisping, Bergdorf-swathed Truman Capote in this one – he’s a total bulldog) will likely trump the Cruisaziness, and the action is seriously jaw-dropping. Watch for way too many hilarious moments between Cruise and love interest Michelle-don’t-call-me-Kate-Holmes-Monaghan in which she is either gagged or confused about their relationship, and a brilliant moment where Tom is seen bursting through the front doors of a building while “We Are Family” is blaring. Imagine that those are closet doors, and enjoy the mindless romp.

The Proposition
This movie is fantastic – whether you’re a fan of Nick Cave’s brooding, contemplative music or not, you have to give him props for turning in a kickass script for The Proposition, a mesmerizing, brutal western set in Australia’s frontier. Guy Pearce and his lean vegetarian self are always a sight for sore eyes, but it’s Ray Winstone as the Captain who presents Charlie Burns (Pearce) with the titular proposition (hunt down and kill your bandit brother or your younger