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NEWS 12/22

I Still Know to Keep My Crabs to Myself
In a record low for the I Still Know! movie still challenge (gasp!), only 4 people got this week's answer right. I'd like to attribute the poor showing to the fact that all you pervs were hypnotized by the tender, marinating buns of John Hamill (in a still from the totally batshit fabulous Tower of Evil) to focus properly, but chances are more likely that no one has seen the film. Well, now you know one of the reasons that I like it so much. Even the crabs love John Hamill's pooper!

I Still Know! Week 5 Winners (in no particular odor)
dogballz
Tintorera Joe
spazmo
tommyross

And the 2-point Dishonorable Mention this week goes to BoyBlunder for his concise and not-terribly-outlandish guess: "The Incredible Shrinking Man Meets Paris Hilton". Lots of entries gunning for the prize this week, but this one really tickled my fancy. Sorry, fellas! This brings the leaderboard to look something like this:

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. spazmo / BoyBlunder (compromising embrace)
3. tommyross / dogballz (2-piece jugband)
5. Elio / Tintorera Joe / WileEphile (double-dutch competition)

There will be no still next week -- more for your sake than for mine (I'd hate to imagine any of you sick bastards rushing away from your Christmas ham/turkey/hooker to play this silly game). I will be posting a review (Pan's Labyrinth) or two and some news next week, but I Still Know! will be going sleepy-time until January 1st. Rest up for the next round!

And happy holidays to ya, kids. God bless us, every stinkin' one.

 

NEWS 12/20

Tidings of Comfort and Dead Co-Eds
Hey, skittles. As promised, I actually got my shiite together this week and wrote a review -- crazy thing, right? Considering this is, you know, a MOVIE REVIEW site and all? Next thing you know I'll actually see the movies before writing about them. LUNACY!

Anyway, seeing as how the gorgeous, newly-transferred, Dolbified, gold-plated edition of the holiday classic Black Christmas just came out last week (complete with a completely insane poolside interview with Margot Kidder that looks like it was shot by a drunk infant with a fetish for espionage films from the 70s -- she's literally assaulted with a Zeiss zoom lens for the duration of her segment), I thought I'd share some much-anticipated (right...) thoughts on it here. So head on over to the Reviews page (which now boasts a full 150 reviews -- how fucked up is THAT?! What kind of loser am I?!?!) to check it out.

And hey -- I just noticed that my post from last Friday has, like, totally vanished. And here I thought I was the only one who had blackouts around here. Weird...

Vicious Christmas at the Pioneer
Those punks over at the Two Boots Pioneer Theatre in the good ole Least Village, NYC, have outdone themselves this year. We're used to the Pioneer remaining true to the grindhouse spirit of the underground, but the crop of disturbing holiday fare they have running this year is just brilliant. We've got a 35mm print of the classic Santa slasher Silent Night, Deadly Night (no small feat, actually). There's a 35mm print of the surprisingly solid cult fave Christmas Evil (complete with an appearance by director Lewis Jackson -- and who knows, maybe Fiona Apple will show up to see her Daddy in the lead role?). Then there's Elves (yikes...), Santa Smokes, Goodbye 20th Century: A Film About the Merry Santa Claus Who in Rage Destroys the World, Racist Christmas cartoons, and to top it off, on Christmas Day itself -- Cabaret!! Yes, a Jewish movie -- and they'll be serving Chinese food! Whatever -- I fucking love Cabaret and I'm not ashamed of it. And Baby Jesus would want it that way.

Anyway, for the full schedule, head on over to their spanky website. Happy holidays, sickos!!


Don't disturb Snowbell -- she's disturbed enough already!

 

NEWS 12/19

I Still Know: Week 5
Go on -- take a stab at it!


You said sunny-side-up, right?

 

NEWS 12/18

Buzz, Abroad
Not "Buzz, A Broad", mind you -- although I've been called worse in my day.

Anyway, as I've been writing more and more for other outlets I thought I'd keep y'all appraised of what's been up, especially when it still tangentially relates to homo horror. While if given the chance I'd do nothing but pontificate on the homoerotic subtext of the C.H.U.D. movies and deconstruct the various hairstyles of obscure Canadian actresses day in and day out, the truth is that my alcoholism isn't funding itself and I've got to go where the gigs are.

So following the big hubbub over my article on the Heroes de-gaying debacle last week over at AfterElton.com, this week I've got a piece on The Year in Queer Movies (yes, I spend some time on the horror films, just for you nutters), as well as a recent blog post on trashy Christmas entertainment (and wouldn't you know that Silent Night, Deadly Night and a few other chestnuts work their way in).

So please don 't think I've abandoned the Camp for bigger and better things -- I'm actually taking the Camp to the people by insinuating my foul self into regular entertainment sites. Kind of like Paris Hilton's vagina, but without the accompanying odor.

Enjoy!

Your Himbo Needs You!
So, funny story...

It seems that over at Pretty-Scary.net (our non-related-by-blood-or-marriage-but-still-close-enough-to-call-a-sister site), the end-of-year voting for the Scary Stud of the Year is getting pretty vicious. Even funnier is the fact that the two front-runners, director Tim Sullivan (of 2001 Maniacs) and actor/producer/jungle gym Joe Zaso (of the upcoming Barricade and pretty much anything ever filmed on Long Island), are both frequent guests here at the Camp. See the kind of unsavory appetites this place attracts?!

Anyway, I've cast my vote in the competition, and it went to Mr. Zaso. Because let's face it: when it comes to being studly in horror, he's pretty much got it down. And the great tits don't exactly hurt.

If you'd like to cast your own vote, head on over and swing the results! If we're lucky, we may take the House AND the Senate! Wait a minute... what day is it? Hey, how long have I been asleep, anyway?!


Don't you just wanna rub it?

 

NEWS 12/11

I Don't Need Another Hero
You may have noticed that I've been totally geeking over the NBC show Heroes since it started. Is it Invasion? No. Is it Buffy? No. But it's still totally fun, has a bunch of clever mysteries, and allows me the opportunity to watch Ali Larter try to act herself out of a paper bag (unsuccessfully) on a weekly basis. Honey, don't worry -- if it don't work, we'll just drop a forty-ounce in there with you and call it a curb party. Woo-hoo!

Anyway, the folks at NBC prolly aren't too happy with me right now. Last week I was writing a puff-piece about the character of Zach on the show for AfterElton, and my exchanges with the management of the actor that plays Zach and the publicity department at NBC led to a much more interesting story.

It seems that although Zach was meant to be a gay character (and nearly came out as one -- even NBC's own website said that he "admitted that he was gay" in the recap of the "Homecoming" episode), he no longer is. And that makes me wonder why.

And it makes me write about it.

If you're curious, head on over and read the piece. Interestingly enough, series creator Tim Kring wrote an email to my editor essentially agreeing with the piece and apologizing for the way that the character was mistreatead (not that I think he was remotely responsible, but it was certainly good of him to touch base). The email's on AfterElton's blog, if you want to check it out after reading the article.

And that's enough of my being serious for the day. Ryan Reynolds' man-fur! Yaaay!

I Still Know: Sick Brick Special!
Eric Weber's Sick Brick Challenge
is back, hookers! Come on -- you all know what movie the image at the right is from, you've just never seen it rendered so beautifully in blocks before, right? RIGHT?!

Head on over to the contest page and get your groove on!


Eric Weber's Sick Brick Challenge! Again!

 

NEWS 12/8

I Still Know Not to Fuck with Grace Jones
That's right, kiddies -- this week's fabulously ill-mannered I Still Know! image comes from Vamp, a horror-comedy that really sounds better than it actually is, despite starring completely insane (and totally silent) Grace Jones as a vampire stripper with a fetish for Keith Haring body-paint. While many of you kids got it wrong this week (Fright Night was a popular, and not too outlandish, guess), only one will win the coveted Dishonorable Mention prize... who will it be?

I Still Know Week 3 Winners (in no particular order)
spazmo
dogballz
tommyross
boyblunder
hambone

And the winner of this week's 2-point Dishonorable Mention prize goes to Elio for his answer: "Fright Night... Or Calista Flockhart after a ROUGH night with Harrison..."

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. tommyross / boyblunder / spazmo (3-legged race)
4. Dogballz
5. WileEphile / Elio (7 minutes in heaven)

Thanks, kids! Be sure to tune in Monday for an all-new challenge!

Scary Mary
The whole "recutting trailers to make classic movies seem completely different" thing has really become the art form of the year, hasn't it? From "Shining" (Kubrick's classic mindf*ck recut as a heartwarming family comedy) to the glut of Brokeback Mountain parodies ("Brokeback to the Future" was probably the best), cheeky trailers seem to be the slashfic of the digital editing generation.

Yesterday lovely reader Ed sent me a link to what is possibly my favorite fake trailer thus far: Scary Mary, the preview that reveals Mary Poppins as the demonic psychopath she really was... Enjoy!!


Just look at those fucking penguins. Only minions of the Beast can pull off that kind of footwork.

The Knee Jerk: December 8th
I see non-horror-type-movies too, yaknow! Not that they're ever any good.

Blood Diamond
This bloated piece of self-important shit is one French cruller away from being a Sally Struthers commercial for the Christian Children's Fund. And don't get me wrong -- the "message" (if that's what you want to call the grain of sentiment buried under all this shallow, self-congratulatory Hollywood posturing and misplaced, badly-filmed action) of Blood Diamond -- that people shouldn't be killed for jewelry -- is pretty hard to argue with. But honestly, has Edward Zwick ever made a film that didn't feel like a 4-day history seminar sponsored by Hallmark? Sure, Leo's fine, Jennifer Connelly is fine (and has tamed those eyebrows, for once), and Djimon Hounsou is actually superb (and totally hot, I might add) -- but the film is so bogged down by its own inflated sense of self-importance that it's really more like being lectured to by someone who spontaneously bursts into peals of machine-gun fire every ten minutes. Oh -- and the rap song that plays over the end credits is the hottest thing since LL Cool J sang "Deepest and bluest, my hat looks like a shark's fin!" at the end of Deep Blue Sea (and we all know the hip hop record industry has NEVER actively encouraged the purchase of diamonds). I call it "Ramifying the Stone". I seriously want my time back. And a tennis bracelet... oh, I KEED! I KEED!

 

NEWS 12/5

I Still Know: Week 3
Have at it, bitches.


Classy, right?

 

NEWS 12/4

Van Damme It!
Just in case you were wondering, this is the kind of week it's shaping up to be:

Jackman, Meet Ramsbottom
No these aren't the discarded gay character ideas from the He-Man universe. I was watching some celebrity fitness show on cable the other night and they were talking about how Hugh Jackman got into shape to play Wolverine in the X-Men movies. Apparently he had a celebrity trainer named -- wait for it -- Steve Ramsbottom.

Okay, even if you don't consider the persistent (and likely completely ridiculous) gay rumors that dog song-and-dance-man/Peter Allen impersonator/object of gay just Jackman, what are the chances of his getting a trainer with the last name "Ramsbottom"? I mean, and his name's "Jack-man"? This shit's like something out of a lost MAD TV sketch -- seriously, if I made this shit up you'd never believe me.

So to prove it, I've posted a pic of our beloved bottom-rammer at the right. Sure, I bet the guy's gotten more than enough shit for his name in his lifetime already, but it looks like he's doing just fine regardless. Happy Monday!


Steve Ramsbottom

 

NEWS 11/30

I Still Know That a Row of Heads is Better Than No Head at All
First off, I'm simply delighted at how well Eric Weber's Sick Brick Challenge has gone over -- you kids really seem to like seeing your favorite horror moments commemorated in Lego. Not quite sure what that says about you, but I'll go with it. The answer of course is the fabulously deranged Motel Hell, one of the few genuinely successful horror/comedies out there. Lots of you sickos got it right, and only one person didn't -- but that's okay, because he still wins the Dishonorable Mention bonus points! Here's how things look now:

I Still Know! Week 2 Winners
tintorera joe
WileEphile
tommyross
spazmo
boyblunder

I Still Know! Leaderboard
1. tommyross / spazmo / boyblunder / WileEphile (4-way tie/key party)
5. Dogballz

And this week's Dishonorable Mention goes to Mad Hatter for his guess: "It's from the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, when Sheriff Hoyt and Luda Mae head out to their garden to pick fresh heads of lettuce for the dinner salad. Yeah, I totally know it's the wrong fucking answer."

Thanks to y'all for playing -- folks, it's anyone's game right now. Be sure to check in next Monday for another challenge!

The Knee Jerk: December 1st
Non-horror releases for this week that still might have some appeal to you folks (i.e., NOT Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj):

3 Needles
Thom Fitzgerald's challenging three-piece AIDS epic is being released on World AIDS Day, and for the purposes of starting a discussion about the epidemic and its global impact, it's certainly worthwhile. As a narrative, though, it's not quite as successful. The stagey voiceover and formal structure are more awkward and precocious than anything else, and the three segments are wildly different in tone, which leads to a very uneven watch. Fitzgerald told me in an interview a few weeks ago that the intention was to yank the viewer out of his own point of view by completely dipping them into another culture, and while that makes sense in theory it doesn't translate entirely on screen. The first segment, set in China (and starring Lucy Liu), is the weakest and most self-consciously bleak of the three; the second, in Montreal (with X-Men's Shawn Ashmore as an HIV-positive porn star and Stockard Channing as his crafty but unscrupulous mother) is a pitch-black and rather distasteful comedy (not that that's a bad thing -- I actually found the distastefulness refreshing in the face of so much dogged earnesty); the third segment stars Chloe Sevigny, Olympia Dukakis and Sandra Oh as missionary nuns in South Africa whose attempts to convert the infected dying are complicated when Sevigny's character becomes involved in trying to save the local children from rape. The third act's tone is one of rage, and while overall the film is undeniably depressing and a bit heavy-handed, it does have the impact of stirring up your convictions and starting dialogue. Interesting that a director who has made several films about gay identity would make an AIDS film that has no gay characters and doesn't even use the word AIDS once. If the ultimate message of 3 Needles is that we need to look at the epidemic from a different perspective if we want to have any hope to fight it, that's hard to argue with -- faulted movie or no.

From Weeotch to Beeotch
For the two of you who went to see The Covenant in theatres (yes, I paid to see it, and it really wasn't as bad as it could have been), you might be interested to know that the H.I.T. (Himbo-In-Training) who played the baddie, Sebastian Stan, is gaying it up in the new movie The Architect, which opens this week. I haven't seen the flick, but apparently Stan gets involved in some mano-y-mano action on a rooftop with another youth -- and he's apparently got a touch of the jungle fever, as well! Hats off to Stan for knocking down both gay AND interracial boundaries in one role -- pretty daring move for a guy who has thus far only been known for homoerotic male witch movies. Okay, maybe not so much.

Anyway, the movie also stars Anthony LaPaglia, Isabella Rossellini, Hayden Panetierre (the cheerleader from Heroes), and a few people whose names I can actually fucking SPELL, Viola Davis and Paul James.


Leonardo DiCaprio.
I mean -- Hayden Christiansen.
No wait -- Sebastian Stan.
No, seriously - that's his name.

 

NEWS 11/29

Blech Christmas
I love Christmas, really I do. But this holiday season is hard to really enjoy with the steaming pile of horseshit that is the Black Christmas remake sitting in the corner by the radiator and fouling up the pine-scented air. I was unfortunate enough to get into an advance screening of this stinker about 4 months ago and was appalled both at how bad it was as a remake of one of the best and most revered slashers ever made, and as a basic piece of horror entertainment. It has no pace, the characters are utterly interchangeable, and it looks cheap. There's also waaay too much time paid on the villain's backstory, not to mention a completely retarded final-scene twist that makes absolutely no sense. The gore moments are not disturbing, just distasteful -- and the kills are incredibly redundant. Really, if you've seen one co-ed with a plastic bag over her head getting her eyes popped out, you've seen a baker's dozen.

Anyway, I kind of tried to pretend that the whole thing never happened, but now the publicity machine has shuddered to life and there's shit all over the web about the movie. I ran across a rather hilarious tirade about the movie's new trailer over at Arrow in the Head -- and while he hasn't seen the movie, he's kind of dead on in the fact that half the stuff in the trailer wasn't in the version I saw. Now, they could have gone in and reshot entire scenes and entire kills, but honestly there's no point polishing a turd, as my grandma used to say. And look how I turned out!

The only thing I disagree with him on is the whole "the suits are demanding reshoots and compromising the integrity of Glen Morgan's vision" nonsense. Hey -- I saw the first cut of this and it was garbage, so these suits are actually trying to IMPROVE the movie and hopefully make back their money, and God bless 'em.

Anyway, read his article, which also links to the lengthy trailer, which actually makes the movie look far more interesting than it really is. For shame, people. Margot Kidder just rolled over in her grave. Wait -- she's not dead? Well, under her bush, then.


X Marks the Shit

 

NEWS 11/28

I Still Know: Sick Brick Special!
I'm so excited to unleash this week's very special I Still Know! movie still challenge on you crazy kids. Horror nut and building block artist Eric Weber has graciously contributed a series of Lego horror movie recreations to the cause -- every now and then we'll be working them into the contest. The first Sick Brick special is at the right -- the rules are the same as usual, so head on over to the contest page and play ball! Or some other improperly-appropriated sports analogy!


Eric Weber's Sick Brick Challenge!

 

NEWS 11/27

Pre-Order Some Joe!
Noted himbo, object of affection (cough!lust!cough!) and all-around gem Joe Zaso dropped me a note today to let me know that his newest flick, the German-lensed survival horror pic Barricade, is now available for pre-order via Cinema Image's website. And get this -- if you pre-order now, you'll also get a signed photo of Joe to go with it!

Kids, nothing says "stuff my stocking" like an autrographed Joe Zaso pic. True, the street date of the film is after Christmas, but a rain check never killed anyone, right? And not for nothin', but there's a skinny dipping scene in this one, kids. Pickle-shots are the gifts that keep on giving!!

Anyway, head on over to the site to order, or check out a preview of the movie on the official MySpace page.


Yes, Virginia -- there IS a hot himbo in your stocking!!

 

NEWS 11/26

Chopping Mall
Now that Black Friday is over (or as Michael Richards would call it, "Stick a Fork in It" Friday), you're probably sitting at home with 24 Old Navy puffy vests and enough toilet paper to last a year, but no actual gifts worth giving to anyone you really care about.

Luckily, CampBlood.org is here to help you check some items off your list. Last year I got all uppity and posted something about buying local and artist-direct rather than going to Wal-Mart and other megalithic chains, but this year I'll try another tactic and simply remind you that if you give someone something well-designed and unique that they've never seen before, it makes you look like 50 times cooler than if you hand them something from The Gap. Just sayin'.

So here are some Christmas shopping ideas for all y'all horror-lovin' homos (and some things completely unrelated to horror that I just think are cool). Don't worry, the Last Minute Christmas Gifts from Hell feature will come later -- I'm just getting the legit stuff out of the way in the off chance that someone actually takes my advice and buys one of these things. Enjoy, and happy shopping!!

Skull Plate ($8.50)

Brain Tie Tack ($8.95)

Frankenstein Stencil
($10.50)

Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 2006 ($11.16)

Corporate Zombies ($13.50)

Skull Hand Towel ($15 -- I think the olive green one is awesome)

King of the Woods Tee ($15)

See No Evil (book on the "video nasty" phenomenon by the authors of the excellent Killing for Culture) ($19.72)

"Left Wing" Tee ($24)

Games Magazine Subscription ($26.95 for one year)

Gothic Side Plate Set ($28)

R.I.P. Tee ($32)

Cat Acupuncture Model ($34.95)

Dungeons & Dragons: The Complete Animated Series ($39.99)

DVD Rentals: 2 Month's Worth of 3-Out at GreenCine.com (like NetFlix but with good movies -- and porn!) ($43.90)

Octophant Pillow ($49)

Marcel Dzama Sad Ghost Salt and Pepper Shakers ($50)

"Face Value" Mirror ($59.50)

Region-Free DVD Player ($69)

Razorblade Necklace ($110)

Boneware Serving Set from Michael Aram ($135)

Custom-Made, Personalized Action Figure ($299 - by the gay guy from Who Wants to Be a Superhero?)


Top to Bottom (yeah, right!):
Corporate Zombies, Cat Acupuncture Model, RIP Tee, Octophant Pillow

 

NEWS 11/24

I Still Know Not To Free-Ball in Running Shorts
Well, here we go kids -- the second season of the I Still Know! movie still trivia challenge is off like a shot, with an unprecedented number of entrants. Hot diggity!

The answer to the first challenge is of course the tran-tastic slasher Sleepaway Camp, and details the imminent demise of the movie's favorite underdressed villain (seriously -- what is with the costumes in that flick? Was it a gay porn star training camp?!) by killer bees.

Here are the first 5 correct entrants, which at this point also comprise the Leaderboard:

1. TommyRoss
2. Spazmo

3. Dogballz
4. Mike
5. BoyBlunder

These kids will each get two points, and all other correct entries get one point. And of course, this week's best WRONG answer (also worth two points) goes to:

WileEphile: "This is the scene in Carrie where she telekinetically gives Tommy Ross the hot shits in gym class."

Not only is this some smokin' fanfic, but it also has the double purpose of unwittingly dissing on one of the other contestants, TommyRoss. Nice work, WileEphile!

Make sure to tune back in on Monday nite for another deliciously entertaining challenge!


Sleepaway Crap -- I Mean, Camp

 

NEWS 11/23

The Knee Jerk: November 24th
I know you'll all be swarming the local Old Navy to get an additional 25% off the already nauseatingly cheap sweatshop-created garments that you'll throw at your barely-tolerated relatives this Christmas -- but if you somehow make it to the moviehouse this weekend, here are a few tips.

The History Boys
While the goal of our brilliant young heroes may be to make it to university, the film’s focus is clearly the journey, not the destination. While it smacks of gay fantasy (unless all-male prep schools in suburban London in 1983 were far more progressive than I'd thought), it is undeniably inspiring to see a world where young men are encouraged to express themselves creatively (whether it be by singing Cole Porter or reenacting Now, Voyager in class) and develop a more fluid view of sexuality (while most of the students are straight, they are disinclined to fits of defensive machismo and speak openly about sex, even potential sex with other men). Having set out with a premise aimed more at challenging our understanding of education than satisfying our hunger for an emotionally satisfying story, The History Boys offers plenty to consider. Well acted and only occasionally dipping into melodrama (a standard pitfall of stage adaptations), this portrait of idealistic youths and the well-meaning but imperfect caretakers who help them along their way is thought-provoking, smart, and resolute in its refusal to provide easy answers to its own questions. Adolescence is a time when anything may or may not happen, a theme that is ultimately the film’s best lesson.

For my interview with the cast and director, head on over to AfterElton.com!

The Fountain
After years of speculation and expectation, I’m on the one hand relieved to say that The Fountain is an amazing piece of work. On the other hand, I’m less-than-relieved to say that it’s also a grueling cinematic experience for several reasons – least of all being its fractured, shifting narrative. The film is so intently focused on one moment, on one choice in a character’s life, that all of the emotions and corollaries of that moment get repeated over and over again, nearly – within the context of the film, at least – infinitely. Have you ever done something so regrettable that you’ve forced yourself to relive the moment over and over? Well, try doing that for six hundred years and you’ll get an idea of just how intense the sense of remorse in The Fountain really is. This film sat on my chest like a stone for about 4 hours after it ended – it was impossible for me to get out from under. Even days later, when describing the film to friends, I found myself choking up at its simple earnestness, its unabashed sentimentality. It got booed at Venice? Show me those people, and I’ll boo them – if not for their inability to enjoy, or at least appreciate, a deeply heartfelt and beautiful work of art, then for the callousness they showed to their fellow audience members in not allowing them to experience the film in their own way. Is everyone going to like this movie? Absolutely not. Is that a bad thing? I don’t think so – actually, most people will probably find it pretentious or vague or boring or even silly. But give it a chance, as this kind of divisive, challenging work seldom finds its way to screens – particularly in wide release – and it may prove something beautiful, memorable, and meaningful. If nothing else, you've never seen anything like it.

Thank You, and Goodnight
Gotta love Thanksgiving -- no beter way to celebrate forcibly taking over a new land than by stuffing your fucking face. I for one will be up to my tits in turkey, acorn squash and pumpkin pie in just a few hours, but I wanted to take a second to be kind of serious.

Last year a wonderful reader dropped me a note on Thanksgiving to tell me that he was going over the things that he was thankful for, and one of them was this site. I of course advised him to seek help immediately, but it actually really got to me. So I thought I'd take a minute to thank all you kids for checking in, playing my silly games, dropping me notes, and keeping the gay horror dream alive. This site has brought me some wonderful new friends and colleagues, exciting opportunities, and plenty of learning experiences, and for that I'm seriously really, really grateful.

Now go eat your fucking cranberry sauce and leave me to gorge myself in peace, alright?

Love,

Buzz


 

NEWS 11/20

Holdin' On for a Hero
For you Heroes-lovin' bitches:

Okay, so did the cheerleader's cute, gay-seeming best friend Zack totally come out tonite? He was so cool about it that I kind of couldn't really tell if he was gay and proud of it or not gay and so comfortable about himself that he didn't care that people called him gay. But I think he still is, right?

Either way, Claire punching out Jackie in the middle of the locker bay for saying that Zack should be wearing a tiara to homecoming was about the hottest thing ever.

Wait -- am I the only person who watches this shit?

It's Thunderdome Time , Bitches!
Like a persistent rash, the I Still Know! challenge is back to wreak havoc on your nether-regions - and no amount of Gold Bond Medicated Powder can cool its unbridled triviality! Hold on -- what the hell is "teter"?

Anyway, here's the still, and you have until Friday to answer it. Head on over to the game's page for complete rules. Play hard, hoes!


I Still Know: The Revenge! Week 1
Light a match!

 

NEWS 11/18

I'll Always Know!
Yes, kids -- it's time. After a breather, I'm ready to plunge you back into the icy-cold waters of movie still trivia madness with the long-awaited second season of the I Still Know! challenge. Prepare for some serious shrinkage.

This round I've got a few surprises in store, the first of which is a modified scoring system. The first 5 correct entries will still get 2 points, with all other correct entries earning 1 point. BUT - I will now grant two points each week to the best WRONG answer, chosen completely at my own discretion. So even if you don't know the right answer, wow me with a funny or appropriate wrong answer and you may still be in the game -- but remember, only the best wrong answer gets any points at all. There will also be special challenges now and then to gain extra points (I'm really psyched about this -- one will be coming along very soon...), and as always, shirtless pics curry favor with the judges -- those judges, of course, being my gonads. The winner of the round will get a CampBlood.org t-shirt and probably whatever I get for Christmas from my Aunt Bernie (sorry, Bern -- you can't gift for shit).

So remember, kids -- starting Monday nite, check in and throw down!

(if you're new to this and want to study up, check out the last round, in a handy and fun self-test format!)


I Still Know! is back. And Mary Cherry's fucking STOKED.

 

NEWS 11/17

After Dark Horror Fest: 8 Films that Couldn't Get Distribution
Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. But you're probably asking, "what's up with this whole 8 Films to Die For bullshit that I've been seeing everywhere? And is that Olivia Mun from G4's Attack of the Show getting her back munched by a lion in the omnipresent and increasingly annoying ads?"

Well, the answer to that second part is "no" (at least I'm hoping it is, for Olivia's sake -- we love you, girl!). And the first part is a tough one. Are we really supposed to believe that these movies didn't get regular distribution because they were "too extreme"? Uh, I doubt it -- they were more likely "too unbankable", "too shot-on-video", or "too piece of shit". But before you fire off an angry email calling me a sellout establishment bastard, let me say this -- that doesn't necessarily mean that they're not worth seeing and don't deserve an audience. And really, your chances with this lot can't be any worse than your chances with the crap that's hitting the theatres these days, so it's kind of a non-issue.

Anyway, I've seen two of the 8 (or actually 9, at this point) films, and they are already a mixed bag. Here are my mini-reviews, in case you're interested.

The Gravedancers
From the brutal, shocking opening scene through the effects-laden finale, this is indie filmmaking the likes of which we seldom see. The script is fresh and clever, the performances are surprisingly solid (these are characters, not caricatures), the production values are impossibly high, the score is gorgeous, and the direction and editing are clean, purposeful, and at times cracklingly effective. When the shit really hits the fan near the end, they do some major property damage, which is always a hell of a lot of fun to watch. They certainly don’t cut any corners on stunt work (there are some poltergeist-related smackdowns that will make you wince), and there’s even some much-welcomed creature design snuck in near the end that’s wonderfully creepy. The only times that the illusion is broken are, of course, when CGI rears its ugly, pixellated head near the end – but honestly, when is that NOT the case? I can appreciate that some practical effects are simply too costly (or just plain impossible) to do, and if CGI is the only way to connect the dots, I can understand that. It is a shame, though – for the first hour things are damn-near pitch-perfect. If you’re sick of plotless wink-wink horror movies stuffed with disposable teens and throwaway villains and prefer your horror to be smart, well-composed and just a bit mean, then The Gravedancers is for you. If not, well... is Venom on video yet?

Snoop Dog's Hood of Horror
Oh. My. God. I actually got this movie about a month ago and it was so bad that I destroyed the DVD immediately so that its suckiness couldn't escape into my home and fuck with my appliances. Seriously -- it's AWFUL. From the cheap look and feel to the ugly lighting to the hammy acting to the befuddling "morals" that this urban horror anthology tries to communicate, it's just one wrong choice after another. The animated segments aren't really even animated -- they're more like tableaus faded into one another. I remember as a kid renting Ted E. Bear and the Great Bare Scare at my local video store and being totally pissed off at how crappy the one-frame-per-every-5 seconds "animation" was -- this is exactly the same thing. The cautionary tales are downright confusing in their morality (not to mention hackneyed and boring), and the assorted ghoulish goings-on are so cheap and poorly-executed that they're laughable (one of the "demon hoes" flanking Snoop in his regrettable wraparound bits -- we love you, Snoop! Get the fuck out of this! -- easily steals the film with her community theatre haunted house "scary acting" and bad prosthetics). I think they were aiming for Creepshow, but they made a Crapshow. Not funny, not scary, not fresh. Avoid at all costs.


Take Martin's advice, and talk dirty at the After Dark Horrorfest.

The Knee Jerk: November 17
Yes, kids -- the jerk is back with his unsolicited thoughts on the non-horror releases of the week (like how I'm speaking about myself in the third person, as if there were more than one lonely drunk flying this jet?). Since I'm a few weeks behind, I'm also adding a few limited-release films that are opening wider -- not that a wider opening is usually something to celebrate, right kids? Right?

(*crickets*)

Happy Feet
More like Environmentally Responsible, Emotionally Resonant, and Sorta Bleak Feet. In all, the story is a bit thin and the tone a bit glum – the punctuated song-and-dance numbers feel like acts of desperation against the harsh elements and bleak reality of imminent death or abandonment more than expressions of pure joy. And while I’m all for family films that challenge the format and dare to introduce legitimate danger or sadness into their stories, this one almost pushed it too far. While Happy Feet is a technical marvel and an emotionally more complex dancing penguin film than you may have been expecting, it won’t exactly have you tap-dancing out of the theatre. And is this bizarre medley of pop-song-warbling penguins and lavish dance numbers yet another thinly-veiled "coming out" story, or am I just wearing fag-colored glasses?

Bobby
For those of us who hated Crash for its smug insistence that the human race is stuck where it is due to hatred and intolerance (not to mention its ridiculously overwrought and clichéd execution), Bobby is a welcome antidote, a film that dares to imagine a better world by looking back to a time that almost was, a moment where we were robbed of our innocence. Oddly enough, Bobby tells the story not of Senator Robert Kennedy, but of 22 of the (imagined) inhabitants, guests, and staff of Los Angeles’ Ambassador Hotel on June 6th, 1968 – the day that Kennedy was shot dead by Sirhan Sirhan. Interestingly enough, Kennedy himself never appears on screen as a part of the ensemble (aside from a few body-double shots in the climactic scene), and no actor stands in to recreate his presence (Dallas Roberts must be foaming at the mouth): we see Kennedy only through actual news footage from the time, as he blazed his campaign trail through California during the primaries. Instead, the focus is on the people that Kennedy and his message of compassion and harmony inspired – the same people who would be most affected by his death, either because of their belief in his message or because they literally came into the line of fire on that tragic night. Bobby makes you leave the theatre wanting to make the world a kinder and more compassionate place, not to scream at the person who just rear-ended you in L.A. traffic. And if that’s not a fitting tribute to Kennedy’s legacy and a worthwhile reason to head to the theatres, I don’t know what is.

Note: Yes, I do realize that above I consider a movie about a man being shot to be inspirational and a movie about a dancing penguin to be depressing. That's just how I roll. As always, you can find the full reviews over at ye olde Rotten Tomatoes.

Volver
Brilliance, pure and simple. The miracle of Almodovar's films is not necessarily in their plots (which feel like recycled soap operas, for the most part), their performances (which are unnatural at best, and occasionally border on the absurd), or their themes (which are pretty consistent across his canon): the miracle is in the sheer effortlessness of their execution. Big Gay Pedro is one of the few director alive today who deserves to be called "maestro" -- his skill as a filmmaker is simply staggering, and his films are pristine, glimmering examples of pure artistic acuity. I defy anyone to see Volver and point out one false note -- from the gorgeous, thrilling score to the perfect pace to the beautifully-drawn characters to the undercurrent of buoyant, gentle humor, this movie is just sheer filmgoing bliss. Is it hilarious? No. Is the mystery incredibly clever? No. Are the performances Oscar-worthy? Absolutely not. But Almodovar's gentle hand molds all these elements perfectly, smoothing the sharp, attention-getting corners and softening the plot twists. And on top of it, he rescues Penelope Cruz from complete career annihilation by letting her beauty, charm, and grit shine through. God, this guy's good.

Borat
Believe it or not, this movie really is as funny as it thinks it is. While it may not be a gut-buster like Jackass or demand repeat viewings like The Big Liebowski or Clue, it does manage to somehow pull off its rather ridiculous conceit (that of being a documentary about the USA by staggeringly incompetent Kazakhstani reporter Borat Sagdiyev) and provide a cursory story arc in the process. While some of Borat's interactions with clueless Americans play better than others (the dinner party scene in Texas is probably one of the most painfully funny things I've ever seen in my life), Borat creator Sasha Baron Cohen and scripter Anthony Hines are smart enough to throw in a heartbreaking buddy-story, a giant pet bear, and a quest to find and wed Pamela Anderson into the mix to keep the story moving. The climactic scene with Anderson is impeccably executed and other moments (the cockroaches in the bed and breakfast; the "running of the Jew"; the nude hotel wrestling match) will be burned into your memory forever, I guarantee. It's also fun to see Cohen making the funny with the gays yet again (after playing a gay French racecar driver in Talladega Nights) -- his continued insistence to readdress the way that we categorize and view gays -- particularly in the media -- still impresses me. Sure, he gets a few laughs out of the gays as well, but it's at the expense of those who don't understand what gay means, not us. Besides, how many movies use a rubber fist as a makeshift prosthetic? That shit's funny.


Ahhh, that's it. Feels good, don't it?

 

NEWS 11/15
Gayest. Casting. Ever.
It was reported today that shlockmaestro Joel Schumacher -- who can lay claim to ruining Batman, The Phantom of the Opera, and the careers of two Coreys -- has cast his upcoming horror feature, Town Creek. Being that he's... well, Joel Schumacher, it's no surprise that he's cast two objects of gay man-lust in the leads: Desperate Housewives' hedge-trimming pussyboy Jesse Metcalf and Prison Break's Colt daddy Dominic Purcell. Only one question remains: who'll be the bottom? My money's on Purcell -- the big burly ones always surprise you. And did you see those pants he wore in Blade: Trinity? Total pillow-biter.

Honey, if you're going to work with Joel Schumacher, you're going to have to watch the teeth.
(Dominic Purcell)

Let CampBlood Trim Your Tree!
I've got great news, kids! The CampBlood Swag Outlet (er... our crappy, free Cafepress store) has an offer that will ensure that you can all afford to buy presents for your horror-loving homo friends without breaking your precious Tina budget. We've added a bunch of funsy items to the shop, including Humbert's Revenge Keepsake Ornaments (pictured at right), buttons, magnets, and even Postage Pals, whatever the hell those are. Seriously -- nothing stuffs a stocking like some random shit from CampBlood, and there's even a big sale on ornaments to make all that stuffing even less painful! Head on over and check it out -- your office Secret Santa will thank you!

 


Yes, Virginia -- there is an evil kitty with razor-claws under your bed!

 

NEWS 11/14

Geek Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name
I kind of hate Time Out New York (which is kind of the TV Guide for all things NYC) ever since they ran a story about obesity in the city and felt it appropriate to conveniently eliminate all minorities and non-central-Manhattanites in order to prove that New Yorkers were really the thinnest and most fabulous people in the country (it was something like: "Well, when people talk about New York City they're really talking about Manhattan, so we can rule out the outer boroughs where the fat Italians and Hasidic Jews and old Russian ladies live... and nobody goes to Harlem where all the junk-food-eating black people and PRs live, so REALLY New York City is only Manhattan between Canal and 86th Street, which is totally thin -- so New York City is, like, TOTALLY skinnier than the national average! Aren't we gorgeous?!").

But every now and again they print something funny or interesting, and that happened recently when they ran a profile on a friend of mine, Sam Hatmaker, who is a compulsive Wonder Woman collector (and, oddly enough, a toymaker, not a hatmaker). How much do I love it when a magazine can run a story about a gay man and his gayness is the least interesting thing about him? THIS much. Check out the piece HERE.

 


This is not Sam Hatmaker.

It's The Great Search String, Charlie Brown!
Every month or so I like to take a look at the stats of this rickshaw and see what kind of people are visiting. My favorite data point is the Search String Report, which shows the search terms that visitors types into various search engines (Google, Dogpile, etc.) that led them here. People, you have some serious fucking issues to work out, and that’s all I have to say on the matter.

hulk hogan halloween costume
Ask, and you shall receive.

danny lopes himbo
I’d like to think that Danny was never called a himbo until we did this. Wear it like a crown, Danny.

deborah raffin dancing hamburger
This one is tried and true – every month some poor soul who was scarred by the opening scene of movie-of-the-week Mind Over Murder (aka Deadly Vision) types in “deborah raffin dancing hamburger” and finds some sweet relief when they read this.

menstruating for 12 days
Well, I’m no expert on these things, but that sounds a bit much. In any case, don’t go swimming.

kari wuhrer penis
No, Kari isn’t a trannie (at least, not that I know of) – she just had a hilarious scene in King of the Ants where she let it all hang out.

directions to campblood
Second star to the right, and straight on ‘til morning…

i ate my twin
Unless you’re one of the London brothers, I can't see that being a good thing.

pschology experiment taking a muscle and putting it under water and pump it water volume doesnt change
Um, I call that “My weekend with Ryan Reynolds Fan-Fic”

civil war ginger cakes
They're in my recipe book, right after Genocide Blondies.

size seven poop chute
Who’s asking, swamp-ass?

shit at 24 frames per second troll

Yaaaaaay!

great pumpkin penis
That sounds painful. Seasonal, but painful.

mexican eats and fornicates dogs
Well, if it's a Devil Dog, who can blame them?

halloween costume for joan crawford
For Joan Crawford, or Of Joan Crawford? I personally think she’d make a great hobo.

chimichanga barbara streisand answering machine
You know, given her size as of late I wouldn’t be surprised if she thought her answering machine were a chimichanga.

amish woman armpit
Um….. no.

gay man s anus burger
Yaaaaaaay!

buttfucked to death
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

i m so low that i wish i was dead with a knife in my chest and a porn
Awwww… does someone need me to call him a waahmbulance? Waaah, waaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

twilight zone movie based on the lamb to the slaughter
It’s an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and it originally starred the wonderful, late Barbara Bel Geddes. Whoever you are, call me.

horror homoerotic male shower scene
Take your pick, jocko.

black trannie magic
It’s called “tucking and taping”, darling, and no – don’t ask me how they do it.

matt dallas came daze
I think they meant Camp Daze, which featured Matt out loud and out proud, but I myself get a bit woozy after busting a good one.


Scared Shirtless
These are the men whose nipples you would like to liberate this month:

Evan Farmer
Johnny Messner
Dominic Purcell
Sean Faris
Ryan Reynolds
Christopher Knight
Johnny Messner
Bradley Cooper
Dominic Purcell
Joe Zaso
John Hamill
Simon Baker
Shawn Ashmore
Franky G
Peter Stickles
Matt Dallas
Eli Roth
Stephen Geoffreys
Andrew Levitas
John Saxon
Michael Cassidy
Thorsten Kaye
Walter Peyton
Kevin Zegers
Colin Egglesfield
Andrew Stevens
Joey Lawrence
Matthew Marsden
James Marsters
Zachary Levi
Jeff Dylan Graham
Jack Noseworthy
Mike Rowe

Johnny, Are You Queer?
These are the men whose wrists you would like to limpen this month:

Evan Farmer
Dominic Purcell
Daniel Travis
Eddie Cibrian
Sean Faris
Johnny Messner
Tom Atkins
Mike Rowe
Stephen Geoffreys
Nathan Fillion
Joe Zaso
Patrick Dempsey
Daphne Zuniga
Kevin Spirtas
Tyler Hanes
Don Mancini
Andrew Levitas

 

NEWS 11/10

Slashvideo Explosion!
This week the kids at AfterElton ran a story about slashvideo, which is what happens when overhormonal nerds get a hold of primitive editing software and Quicktime files of their favorite characters and proceed to sexify their relationships. Not surprisingly, the gays are all over this kind of remixing (I posted an Andrew/Spike mashup from the Buffyverse a few weeks ago, if I'm not mistaken), and some of the results are pretty damn hilarious. If you're a fan of Star Trek, Angel, Lost, Smallville, or Harry Potter (which is a bit "eeew" to me, but whatever), head on over the article, which is packed with links to some of the best vids on the net. What a better way to wile away Veteran's Day (Observed)?

 


"A little lower, Lex."

Reading the Entrails...

Woman Fatally Bitten in Church Ritual (CLICK) (t/y Zack)

Patches the Carnivorous, Car-riding Horse (CLICK) (t/y Lorrie)

I've been searching for this online for months, and finally found it. Get ready to fall in love with Lucille Cataldo... (CLICK)

Tease-a-Louise!


Lady Bunny and Betsy Palmer. Just because. (t/y Chuckie)

 

 

 

NEWS 11/7

Le Freak: The French Do Gay Horror!
A delightful reader in France hipped me to a French horror comedy that opened recently called -- get this -- Poltergay. It apparently tells the story of a young straight couple who move into a mansion that was apparently once a gay disco and is now haunted by the ghosts of a bunch of disco queens that only the husband can see, leading him to question his own sexuality. HOT, right?!

Well, apparently not. Despite boasting a fun premise and a great trailer (on the film's official site), the film hasn't fared well with critics, who we all know are always right. RIGHT?

Anyway, I still can't wait to see it. Big French kisses and crusty baguettes to Francis for the tip! Ich bin ein Frenchman!

 


Either the Fab 5 joined the KKK, or these are some French ghosts!

DeCoteau Goes from Twinks to Bears
I've got some great news for both fans of boys-in-undies genre king Dave DeCoteau and fans of Grizzly: Dave has been tapped to direct a Sci-Fi Channel original movie called Grizzly Rage. Dave's actually almost done with the flick, whicih is the first of a ten-picture deal that Rapid Heart has signed with the cable net. I'm guessing that Dave's Leeches caught the Sci-Fi guys by surprised (and gave 'em just a teeny bit of a hard-on) and they thought, "well if he can do leeches, how about 800-pound bears?". That's how things work in Hollywood, see.

I'm excited to see Dave do a nature-run-amok movie for television -- the Final Twink bit was getting a bit lean for me (sorry, but Beastly Boyz ain't all it's cracked up to be -- check out my painfully negative review). Congrats on the deal, Dave! Can I put in a request for a movie about radioactively enlarged and exceedingly ill-mannered kittens? It'll be a smash!

Check out Dread Central for the full story.


Even the script girl loved Nightmare Sisters.

Reading the Entrails...

This is seriously disgusting. Even were I not a fan of her work (particularly in The Unbelievable Truth), it would still represent everything that terrifies me about living in this city: (CLICK)

Less cowbell! (CLICK)

 

 

NEWS 11/3

Buzz Comes Clean
I seriously have a one-way passive-aggressive relationship with you people. Passive-aggressive because I feel so guilty when I don't have time to write or post anything new that I beat my kittens bloody (no, that's not a euphemism), and one-way because... well, because you couldn't give two shits, I'm sure. Still, I just want you to know that your imagined expectations of me have turned me into an emotional cripple capable of terrible acts of cruelty. Just ask Humbert and Weezie.

Having said that, I kind of wanted to let you know what I've been up to outside of the site -- yet still in the homo horror universe -- so that you won't think I've given up the cause or picked up an actual painkiller addiction to compliment the imagined one I talk about here (although if anyone has a good Vicodin hookup in the tri-state area, call me). This year CampBlood gained a bit of visibility and I was honored with the opportunity to write about our sick little subgenre for a handful of great sites and publications. Additionally, I was interviewed for a few newspaper articles on the same subject. So for those of you looking for your standard queer horror fix, allow me to introduce you to the man behind the curtain...

My "Gay Character's Guide for Surviving a Straight Horror Film" article for AfterElton.com, a fabulous gay media website (CLICK)

My "Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Come Out of the Closet" article for delicioius Aussie glossy SX National (CLICK) (link updated, thanks Tommy!)

An article in Newsday in which I'm quoted several times (both my name and the name of the site I primarily write for, Bloody-Disgusting.com, are misspelled. And here I thought CampBlood had no editorial integrity!) (CLICK)

An article for the Southern Voice in which I'm interviewed on gay horror, along with some other fabulous genre fans, by delightful friend-of-CampBlood Zack Hudson (CLICK)

An article in the British QX International weekly mag, titled "Sods and Monsters", in which I was interviewed by brilliant cult horror screenwriter David McGillivray (CLICK, Oct. 24th Issue)

And here's my RottenTomatoes page for my general reviews, just in case you care (CLICK)

So there you go. I still love you -- I just love other people when it's convenient for me. We can make that work, right?

 


 

NEWS 10/31

Happy Halloween, Bitches!
So I'm home sick again today. And yes, I know I joke a lot about God hating me and all, but after striking me down on my favorite day of the entire year, let's just say that he's gonna get a heck of a big pinch in the backside when we finally meet up!

Regardless, Halloween demands attention, no matter how snot-covered I may be. So every now and then when my Nyquil-Canadian Club cocktail gets a bit low and I pull myself out of bed for another, I may post a holiday goodie or two. So check back in below for updates! And if you have a Halloween treat you'd like to share, drop me a line and I'll post it!

And have a great Halloween!

Love,
Buzz

 


Little did I know that my costume last year would be a premonition of how I would be feeling this year...

Reading the Entrails: Halloween Edition

For those of you in NYC, my dear friend Joe Kovacs and that pickled old bitch Madame (yes, THAT Madame) will be hosting a Halloween Costume Contest at View Bar in Chelsea tonite. Prizes up to $500 and iPods are up for grabs -- throw on some glitter and get your asses to 8th Avenue! Contest is at 11... tell 'em Buzz sent ya!

Just in time for the High Holiday, I've written a little piece on what exactly it is that I love about horror movies. It's called Ten Things I Hate About My Own Poor Taste, and it's a perfect way to get into the horror mood before heading out to the festivities tonite. Enjoy! (CLICK)

For you Houston-based Homos: gay horror comedy Creatures from the Pink Lagoon is screening tonite: check out the OutTakesDallas website for details! (CLICK)

Hilarious old trick-or-treat photos from the genii at SecretFunSpot (CLICK) (t/y TommyRoss)

Sheena is a Parasite video from The Horrors -- Chris Cunningham is up to his old tricks in this disturbingly hot video. (CLICK)

The remake of the hot Movie of the Week The Initiation of Sarah replays tonite on ABC Family -- and I'm almost ashamed to say that I kind of liked it! So did CampBlood's resident MOTW expert, Amanda by Night -- check out her review! (CLICK)

The Life and Death of a Pumpkin (CLICK) (t/y Beeftina)

Old-skool Halloween memories (CLICK) (t/y TommyRoss)

 

NEWS 10/30

We're Baaaaack...
Yes, yes, I know -- some of you were worried that the feeble minds behind CampBlood had finally cracked under the pressure of various crippling painkiller addictions and the constant, all-consuming need to acquire new antique crockery. But alas, things were not as dire as they may have seemed -- I was actually just out on the West Coast (hey Portland, wut wut!) for a few days to enjoy the PNW fall and get in some good Halloweeny experiences. Unfortunately, I also got a fucker of a headcold the day I landed -- so instead of exploring the 13th Door haunted house, checking out the erotic costume ball and visiting the pumpkin farm run by the family from Little People, Big World, I spent most of the weekend blowing what looked like fried calamari out of my nose and crying.

Don't worry (cue worrying), I'll live. And I do have a trick or two up my sleeve yet (see below), although I also have some snotty Kleenex stuffed in there as well, so be careful.

 


Waaah!

Helloween 4: The Return of Bad Taste!
Yes, kids -- it's that time of year again! Every October I compile a collection of the worst Halloween photos available on the web and post them here for your enjoyment/ridicule/scorn. This year we've got lots of bad drag, a few misused babies, and a whole lot of creative laziness. Enjoy!

 

NEWS 10/24

Hellbent Contest Winners!
Well THAT was fun!

I'm thrilled to present to you the top 3 winners of the Hellbent Contest -- the entries were a scattered and interesting bunch, and a few of them made my gonads pull up into my body cavity just a little bit. But still, we were pleased as punch to see people playing along with our sick little game at all, so all genital discomfort was entirely welcome.

If you didn't get an email letting you know that you won one of the prizes, well... you didn't. But thanks to all for playing!

 


1st Place: Patrick Lentz
"Ashes to Ashes"



2nd Place
"Rape Me Elmo"


3rd Place: Angi Garofolo/Shaun Simpson
"Dead French Whore"

 

NEWS 10/23

Tim Sullivan Hospitalized
I don't have many details on this yet, but apparently over the weekend writer/director Tim Sullivan (2001 Maniacs, Driftwood) was brutally beaten at a nightclub following a screening of one of his films (or after the Fangoria awards, depending on what you read). Details are very slim at this point and I'm trying to find out what the nature of the event was (it's being reported that he was beaten by the security guards at the nightclub, which would be exceedingly strange) and how Tim is doing -- he's apparently been hospitalized with severe injuries. Whether this attack has anything to do with Tim's sexuality isn't clear (at this point it doesn't look like it does), but it goes without saying that hate crime or no, we're hoping that Tim pulls through soon at that the assailants get what's coming to them. Violence is never the answer!

 


Tim Sullivan and Gene

NYCHFF Awards
So I caught a handful of films at the NYC Horror Film Fest this weekend (October just gets busier every year, it seems) and hobnobbed a little with some of the filmmakers. Those of you who have been around a while know that when it comes to hitting the screenings of the films that actually win anything, I have rotten luck. So it's kind of surprising that this year I actually saw both the winning feature (Fingerprints) and the audience award-winning short (Eddie Loves You). Happy Birthday 2 U (which has the best poster in the fest) won best short and Last Rites of the Dead won audience award for best feature. While I can't say I really enjoyed Fingerprints all that much (it's not awful, but it's certainly not scary or very convincing as a ghost story -- I think The Lost is a far better film, in pretty much every respect), I loved Eddie Loves You -- it's hilarious and has a lot of fun with the genre (to watch a preview of it, click HERE). Congrats to all the winners, and everyone else who showed -- for a full list of award winners, click HERE.

Don't Forget -- Hellbent Contest!
Don't forget, kids -- noon tomorrow is the deadline for the Hellbent Halloween Contest. All you gotta do is send in a pic of yourself (or someone you love) posed as a horror movie victim (we'll also accept vampires, zombies, and assorted ghouls), and you could win an autographed DVD and fancy-pants Halloween party pack! Send in your pics to contest@campblood.org now, squids! And for full contest details, check this out.


 

NEWS 10/20

Yes, Veronica -- That Is What "Scissor Sister" Means
Lovely (and Amazing) reader TommyRoss tipped me off to the hottest bit of deliciousness I've ever heard -- if you're already hip to this, well... shut up and nod politely.

It seems that one of my all-time favorite actors, the one and only Veronica Cartwright, appears on the front cover of the new Scissor Sisters album, Ta-Dah. Yeah -- it's true, lady! Not only that, but she also stars in a "trailer" that was filmed for the album, which of course now lives in the great internet video trash heap in the sky, YouTube.

Veronica continues to amaze. From her early appearance in The Birds to her impossibly high-strung turns in Alien, The Witches of Eastwick, and Nightmares, this gem has committed to the screen some of the most gloriously unhinged women in the history of cinema. Recently she's done guest turns on everything from Invasion (a single tear...) to Nip/Tuck (as a nun!) to CSI, or SVU, or UPN, or whatever the hell those "let's poke at bodies with a stick for 50 minutes until someone comes in and tells us who killed them" shows are called, as an overbearing mother of the groom (she gets killed by the bridesmaids and tied to the back of the wedding car, with tin cans! How festive!).

To let you in on a little secret, I've actually been working on a CampBlood Intimate Portrait of Veronica for a while now, and this news makes me even more excited to get this shit done. You haven't lived until you've seen Ronnie C. as the Vice President's eye-rolling wife in the made-for-TV gem Hitler's Daughter!!

 


4th floor: Applicances, lingerie, Veronica Cartwright
(hint: she's not the black girl)

And On a More Serious Note...
Likewise lovely reader Ed sent me a link to one of the most disturbing bits of news I've seen in a while -- did you know that the husband of recently deceased Congressman Gerry Studds is being denied spousal death benefits?

The man served the country for 25 years and his partner gets jack shit. Meanwhile, Representative Bob Ney, who recently pled guilty to conspiracy charges, will receive $29,000 a year in pension for the rest of his life, even if he is in prison.

This is fucking nauseating. Click HERE for the sad details.

Reading the Entrails...

Buffy Slashvideo -- not like the gay subtext was buried too deep in the first place... (click) (t/y Chuckie)

The Sims do Party Monster (click)

Cats and geek-speak. That's all I have to say. (click) (t/y Dashiel)

Please -- I've seen you put worse things in your mouth... (click)

And if there are any lesbian horror fans out there interested in being interviewed for an article, drop me a note.


 

NEWS 10/19

File Under "What Did I Fucking Tell You?"
So it seems that, as I predicted months ago, Helena Bonham Carter will be playing the lead role of Mrs. Lovett in her babydaddy Tim Burton's filmed production of Stephen Sondheim's genius musical, Sweeney Todd.

This will mark the 5th time that the pair have worked together (after Planet of the Apes, Big Fish, The Corpse Bride, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), and despite my claims of being some kind of gay, sighted Tiresias (although he was a bit light in his sandals, wasn't he?), anyone could have seen this one coming, really. And word is that they're also trying to land Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G, Borat, the hilarious gay French foil in Talladega Nights) as Sweeney's barber rival, and of course everyone's favorite gay-seeming drunk pirate Johnny Depp plays the lead neck-slicing role. I'll be watching this one closely, as it has become one of the gay-friendliest genre projects currently in development (and considering that it started as a Sondheim show and got GAYER from there, that's no small potatoes).


Is it just me, or did she forget to button her shirt over her bra? Maybe that's why she looks so freaked?
(Helena Bonham Carter)

Gayest. Video. Ever.
CampBlood "Special" Correspondent Chuckie
hit paydirt when he stumbled across what should by all rights be the official theme of this site, the video for 80's pop group Imagination's "Just an Illusion". People, this shit is so gay that it makes Hellbent look like an episode of Highway to Heaven.

The video shows the hilariously camp members of the band essentially vogueing in a haunted house in Victorian garb and lip-syncing intently at the camera through about 30 fog filters. Eventually some ghost children show up, which is scary -- not because the children are ghosts, but because it makes you wonder what these men might do to them. Sorry, folks -- welcome to life in the post-Jackson era, where children being left alone with effeminate male pop stars raises a plucked eyebrow or two.

Do yourself a favor and check it out. It's fucking awesome.

Note: I initially miscredited this piece of incredible filmed entertainment to the group A.M.P., when in reality it was recorded by the absolutely bonkers Imagination. A.M.P. just recorded a cover that sounded exactifucking like it. Sorry!


"Girl, that's some scary shit!"
(from the "Just an Illusion" video)

Okay, This Looks Kind of Funny...
I'm not the biggest fan of horror comedies, but I have to say that the preview of the Robert Englund-helmed fratboy horror farce Killer Pad actually looks kind of funny. The tone seems to be in the Idle Hands/Once Bitten range, and the flick features lots of homo-friendly elements, including a lead role for gay actor Daniel Franzese (Bully, Mean Girls, Party Monster), MAD TV's Bobby Lee in drag, and some guy named House whose only other credit is as "Gay Man" in something called Golden Empire. And doesn't that giant "portal to hell" that opens in the floor look a bit... well, butthole-ish? Plus, hasn't Freddy always seemed a bit light in his fingerknives to you? And what about Englund's hilariously unhinged turn as the predatory homo prison warden in the absolutely batshit Killer Tongue? This guy knows some good camp when he sees it, and I don't mean he shops at North Face.

Check out the funny trailer HERE!


Winnie... isn't that the sound a horse makes?
(Bobby Lee as "Winnie" in Killer Pad)

 

NEWS 10/18

Hey, sickos! CampBlood.org has teamed up with gay blog Towleroad.com and the fabu freaks behind Hellbent for a spanky contest!

NYC Horror Fest Rises Again
Tomorrow marks the start of the NYCHFF, now in its 5th year of bringing the pasty, cloudy-lunged denizens of this cockroach-infested bit of heaven the horror films that they so desire. The full schedule is up at the fest's website -- but below I've compiled a potential weekend schedule for the discerning homo horror viewer/functioning alcoholic (remember, the venue has a full bar). If you're in town, pop on by! I'll be the one in the Hamilton High letter jacket and jelly shoes (I'm just leaving the pants at home this year).

Wednesday, October 18th
8PM: Swing by the Opening Night Party at Don Hill's. Hobnob with filmmakers, catch a few shorts, try to find a few leftover Misshapes sleeping under the tables (I swear those people never leave). Yammer loudly to anyone in earshot (Bill Lustig, maybe?) about lack of open bar, introduce self to Buzz from CampBlood, only to have him vomit cheap vodka on shoes. Enjoy The Secret Cervix, if only for their having the best band name in history.

Thursday, October 19th
8PM: Catch the screening of The Lost. Seriously -- this film is amazing. It's really not horror (it's more like a post-grunge River's Edge) but it is unbelievably tense and has some pretty disturbing stuff in there. Plus, the lead actor (Marc Senter) is kind of like what you'd get if Crispin Glover and Jim Carrey had a baby who grew up to frontline a psychobilly band, only hotter. But don't take my word for it -- check it out. Also, the poster for the short Happy Birthday 2 U, which precedes The Lost, is hilarious.

Friday, October 20th
8PM: Arrive early for the 8:30 screening of Penny Dreadful in the hopes of catching Betsy Palmer in the ladies' room. Dress accordingly.
8:30PM: Catch screening of Penny Dreadful, a wonderful short with a wonderful cast, and maybe even stick around for Zombie. For Tisa's sake. Make frequent trips to the bar between the "zombie fights shark" scene and the "zombie pokes eye out" scene.
10PM: Sober up for the screening of Tobe Hooper's new Masters of Horror ep, "The Damned Thing". That's what I call my cat, but I have a feeling that this is about something else. I'm also curious to see how filmmaker Brian Haynes adapted the Stephen King story "Popsy" for his short of the same name, but the Penny Dreadful Q&A might conflict with the shorts.
11:30PM: Hang out at the bar until kicked out.

Saturday, October 21st
12PM: Check out Jeremiah Kipp's short The Pod, which screens before Fingerprints. Jeremiah's a critic like myself, and a great guy as well. Plus, Alan Rowe Kelly has a cameo, and it was written by a gay man, Carl Kelsch. Represent, bitches! Bask in the Oscar-worthy performance of Laguna Beach's Kristin Cavallari in Fingerprints, which actually looks interesting in spite of her (child ghosts always have potential).
2PM: Intercept Alan Rowe Kelly at the bar for a Manhattan (or three). Blow in his ear to see if he'll follow you anywhere.
3PM: Run down to the Battery Park theatres for a screening of A Nightmare Before Christmas in digital 3-D.
5PM: Have a quick margarita and trashy chain-restaurant nachos at Chevy's.
6PM: Head back to the Tribeca Cinemas for The Marsh, an intriguing-looking thriller starring what-the-hell-ever-happened-to Gabrielle Anwar and Forest Whitaker.
8PM: Start drinking heavily at the bar.
9PM: Be drunk enough to NOT hurl insults at either the screen or at Mick Garris during the screening of his MOH ep, "Valerie on the Stairs" (which was written by Clive Barker, at least) or his Lifetime Achievement Award. Remind self that Mick was responsible for Sleepwalkers, Riding the Bullet, Michael Jackson's Ghosts, and the abysmal MOH ep, "Chocolate".
11:30PM: Wander boozily into the Pussycat Lounge, laugh loudly, get beaten to a bloody pulp.

Sunday, October 22nd
12PM: Wake up, look at lineup for 1PM Filmmaker's Panel, go back to bed.
3PM: Catch screening of The Entrance, if only because its Canadian and director Damon Vignale once produced a film called Zachariah Farted.
6PM: Head uptown to the beer blast at the Eagle. Try their all-you can eat Sunday buffet -- as the sign says, "Eat it, fucker!"
10PM: Wind your way over to Home, or Hiro, or wherever the queens are getting drunk on a Sunday night these days.
1AM: Get home, check NYCHFF website to see if winners have been posted. Pass out. Start saving up for next year.


Happy Birthday 2 U


Penny Dreadful


The Pod


A sampling from this year's NYCHFF

 

NEWS 10/17

CampBlood Is Ready for Its Close-Up
Delightful reader Jaikob dropped me a note to let me know that one of our fabulous CampBlood.org Slumber Party posters was featured in one of his colleagues' school projects. The flick is called Robinhood Barn - Episode 1 "Vampires and You", and it's a comedy about a guy that wakes up to find a heap of dead people in his apartment, and then have his morning coffee interrupted by what looks like 2 Mormon missionaries on a vampire bender. Or something. It's cute, and the lead fellow is quite striking -- particularly in his shower scene. I think we have a himbo in the making! Anyway, check out the film HERE!

Thanks mucho to Jaikob for planting the offending poster in the flick and letting me know about it. He also passed on a link to the Q&A from the Troll 2 screening in NYC a few weeks back (I was planning on going but ended up having to wash my hair that night). There's nothing amazing about it other than the continued mystery of why people celebrate what is undoubtedly the most retarded film ever made, but hey -- I'm one of those people, so I guess I can't complain.

Thanks, Jaikob! There's a warm seat in hell with your name on it (and no, I didn't just scribble your name on my chin)!


Subtext? Text? Mormons?
(from Robinhood Barn - Episode 1 "Vampires and You")

Reading the Entrails...

Finally, a video that captures what the inside of my mind must look and sound like (especially the off-camera comments by what sounds like a couple of easily-entertained queens). (click)

I've had the "ring of fire" myself a few times, but this is ridiculous... (click)

RobeyRobeyRobey!! You MUST download the "One Night in Bangkok" video... (click) (click) (t/y Chris and Chuckie!)

And most importantly, in order to explain the photo at the right (as if it needs any explanation, right?), here's the text of an email I got the other day:

In a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs.  Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a
depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning  mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only "orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of weaned pigs.  The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?? Take a look........ you won't believe your eyes!! 



Sheba! How many times have I told you not to play with your food?!?!?

 

NEWS 10/11

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are...
Today was National Coming Out Day, which encourages gay men and women to burst open their doors and windows singing showtunes and tossing throw-pillows into precisely the right spots. I'm sure you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Of course, it's not just folks like you and me who can come out -- horror movie characters need encouragement, too! With this in mind, reader Mike (you may know his work on the fabulous Icons of Fright) put together this wonderful tribute to the most fiercely (and fierce) closeted character in horror history, Jesse from A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge. Check it out over HERE.

Thanks to Mike for sharing the love -- and happy Coming Out Day to everyone!

 

NEWS 10/10

Reading the Entrails...

In preparation for our second-favorite holiday, the Snopes page on Friday the 13th is pretty interesting (click)

Games! Horror! Adorable little figurines! (click)

Okay, this isn't gay or horror, but any website with "douchebags" in the title is aces in my book (click).

 

NEWS 10/9

The Knee Jerk: October 6th
Sorry this is late, but I had a big important birthday party to plan over the weekend (not mine -- I don't age), and on top of it last week I had pink eye. Yes, pink eye. Did I mention that I'm in kindergarten?

The Departed
This movie is awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome -- and that's a lot coming from a guy who doesn't like gangster movies, is tired of New York (this is set in Boston but it was filmed in New York, some of it in my very neighborhood!), and thinks Leo DiCaprio is just about the least talented gangly bobblehead in showbusiness. This movie transcends all of that, thanks mostly to a fantastic script (cribbed from the Hong Kong original, Infernal Affairs, but also with a lot of great ideas of its own) and one of the best supporting casts I've ever seen, from Alec Baldwin (who is like a fine wine -- the older, more bloated, and deeper in debt he gets, the better his performances) to Mark Wahlberg (who the fuck would have thought that Marky Mark would emerge one of the most consistently good actors of our generation?) to Martin Sheen to, of course, batshit-as-ever Jack Nicholson in his most deliciously unhinged role since The Witches of Eastwick. Matt Damon and DiCaprio hold things up nicely -- both have finally arrived as real, dangerous, nuanced actors -- as men, not prettyboy pin-ups with big contracts. It's the best work I've ever seen DiCaprio do, and I loved every minute of it. One of the best movies of the year thus far.

Shortbus
Audacious, haphazard, beautiful, loud, clumsy, hilarious, cheesy, sexy, fun, colorful, whimsical, clever, and kind of beautiful -- everything you'd expect from a John Cameron Mitchell movie, and nothing you'd expect from a film that proudly features a ton of actual hardcore sex. This is the least "dirty" sex film I've ever seen, and one of the most gorgeous celebrations of sex and the power of the connections between people, be they lovers, strangers, or friends. The sex, while explicit, never seems exploitative and is handled marvelously -- it's the least puritanical American film I think I've ever seen, and it really accomplishes something that I thought would be impossible to pull off. Unfortunately, the film has other faults -- the stories sometimes tip into melodrama and cliche, and some of the acting is a little amateurish. But the energy and enthusiasm behind the whole project is positively infectuous -- it's really hard to not be swept up by the penetration zeitgeist. Extra credit for featuring a man singing the National Anthem into another man's ass, and for not treating the aftermath of 9/11 with kid gloves -- it's there, and it's dealt with.

Fire Island Loves Its Bloody Sissies
Just got word that the Fire Island Film and Video Fest named its best of the fests, and the horror homos did quite well! Gay supernatural campus thriller In the Blood won best feature, while hilarious camp horror musical Zombie Prom won best short and Hitchcocked won the Audience Award for best male short.

Congrats to the horror homos, and keep up the great work! And thanks again to the fest for keeping us sickos in mind when programming all that delicious genre content.


No, your award's up here, silly!
(from In the Blood)

 

NEWS 9/28

Season of the Bitch: Haunted Home Edition
Well it's that time of year again, folks -- summer's sun gives way to the chill of autumn, the days retreat like my testicles at the thought of a Golden Girl lezzie gang-bang, and Yankee Candle starts pumping out Pumpkin Spice votives faster than you can say "hint of nutmeg". Cheap candy fills the shelves of our drugstores (the irony behind this always amuses me -- get your diabetes medicine and 8-pound bag of candy corn in one stop!) and sweaters get pulled out of musty boxes and off of high shelves (or out of Space Bags). Folks, it's countdown to Halloween and easily my favorite stretch of the year -- the weeks when it's actually socially acceptable to blather on about horror movies, stuff your face with sweets, and wear layers. It's the Season of the Bitch.

This month I've got a bounty of crazy shit to keep you sickos occupied. Aside from my usual coverage of the New York Horror Film Festival, I'll also be reporting on visits to a few regional "haunted houses". Now, I of course don't mean houses that are ACTUALLY haunted, because there's no fucking way you're getting my pansy ass near a house occupied by anything other than hot, confused firemen. No, I mean the delightful local "haunted attractions" that pop up in barns, cornfields, rec centers, and church basements this time of year, much to my low-fi delight.

This year I'm hitting The Headless Horseman in upstate New York, as well as the Hell House in DUMBO, Brooklyn and a place (yet to be determined) in Portland, Oregon. Yes, this bitch gets around (I'm also visiting the pumpkin farm run by the family from Little People, Big World, but that's another story entirely). But you don't need to leave all the fun to me. This year I'm pleased to introduce the first annual CampBlood.org Screaming Queen Halloween Event Guide (patent pending, bitches). If you head out to one of these wonderful seasonal attractions or hear of something in your community that sounds like a gay old spooky time, drop me a note at contest@campblood.org and I'll add it to the guide. On Halloween I'll pick a few of the best write-ups and those folks will get a fancy-pants CampBlood goody bag, comprised mostly of things in my crisper. And no, that's not a euphemism.

Seriously -- I'd love to give homo horror-lovers all over the country (the world, even!) a way to find the best haunted hayrides, campiest costume contests, and most lickable Scrambler-operating carny boys that this fabulous season has to offer. Send suggestions, pics, whatever -- we'll find something to do with them.

And of course our annual Halloween Costumes from Hell feature is in the works -- to check out the past 3 years of lamentable costuming ideas HERE. And get festive, bitches!


And yes, this is exactly what going to the Eastern Iowa Kiwanis Club Haunted Hayride is like, believe me.

The Eyes of Ugly Betty?
While I have boycotted television since Invasion was cancelled (thus denying me my weekly serving of Eddie Cibrian-meat), apparently they are still producing and broadcasting new television shows. Beloved reader (and pushy bottom) TommyRoss wrote in to say this after catching tonite's premiere of Ugly Betty:

it takes place in the high world of fashion. and when it came time to show the mandatory high-energy fashion shoot, they decided to take a nod from one of our favorites: all the women were dressed in hot underwear, posing against a mock car-crash. flames (albeit fake) and all.

i thought it was hotter than hell and wished there was at least one other person in Michigan who got it.

Alright, in truth, I actually did see the end of Ugly Betty but tuned in too late to catch this fabulous reference to Laura Mars, the Patron Bitch Photographer of CampBlood.org (and was too distracted by Gina Gershon's inverted vagina-mouth besides). Thanks for the tip, Tommy!


Let's All Chant!
(stills from Eyes of Laura Mars)

Reading the Entrails...
Curb your dog, yes. Curb your pig, no... (click)

God, I miss Jack... (click)

And I have no Knee Jerk this week, because... well, I didn't see anything (although you should really do yourself a favor and go see Jackass Number Two -- that shit's gayer than Clay Aiken. It's gayer than Clay Aiken shoving a rolled-up copy of Out Magazine up Lance Bass's ass while singing a Cole Porter duet with Alan Cumming, in drag. And much more entertaining.) So instead, I give you this. That monkey is totally washing that cat! (t/y Pikelz)


 

NEWS 9/27

Fagor -- I Mean, Fangoria Weekend of Horrors!
Hey, kids! Sorry I've been a bit quiet this week, but I've been tied up on other projects (I am this close to breaking the security code on Ryan Reynolds' garage door...). Not much to report other than to urge all of you on the East Coast to head on over to the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors this weekend, which is shaping up to be a horror-loving homo's delight.

First, as I reported a few weeks back, Horror Himbo Joe Zaso has graciously offered free autographed 8x10s to anyone who tells him that "CampBlood sent me". Kids, not only can you get up close and personal with this hot pice of man-steak, but you can namecheck my website in the process. Isn't that just heaven? Maybe it's just me on that last bit.

But that's not all: the con is also hosting a buttload of screenings, including gay bar vampire spree Dead Serious and my dear friend Bryan Norton's fabulous short Penny Dreadful, which stars the glorious Betsy Palmer (with whom I had the pleasure to pass an evening with a few weeks back -- the gal's still got it!), Warrington Gillette, Peter Dupree, Tina Krause, Sebastian Lacause (you might remember him from Showgirls or the Rocky Horror revival, not to mention multiple covers of HX Magazine) and more. Check this shit out, sponges!

And of course there's the usual array of lovable/tragic/fabulous/hilarious guests, who will be lined up like so many stalls of milk-fed veal with their sundry wares. This year's walk of hotties includes hottie John Saxon, adorable goth musician/filmmaker Voltaire (anyone naming himself after that bitch must have a little sugar in his Tang, if you catch my meaning), cutie-pie Jonathan Liebesman, queer director Tim Sullivan, soap stud Kevin Spirtas, Shortbus's Peter Stickles, and more. So really you can just go at ogle the hunks -- what better way to spend a Sunday afternoon?

 

NEWS 9/24

The Knee Jerk: September 22nd
In which I spout out random views on non-horror releases for the week. This one's got the fat brother from Invasion in it, at least. And pretty people!

Flyboys
The simple truth is, sometimes you just want to see pretty people in period costumes flying around in old-timey planes, swooning with impossible young love and screaming at the sky in rage. And for those times, the gloriously cheeseball Flyboys is just the ticket. Has it got great mid-air fight sequences? Yes. Has it got villainous, teeth-gnashing Germans? Yes. Has it got drunken barfights, lusty French brothels and lovers torn apart by the harsh realities of war? Of course. Has it got anything else going for it whatsoever? Absolutely not. Flyboys is one of those films that is so devoid of cultural import or identity that you spend half of it asking yourself, "Where in the hell did this movie come from?!". It's too slapdash and precious for a big studio movie, yet it's too packed with Hollywood pretty-boys and CGI for a foreign film. The period atmosphere is sterile and clumsy - you half-expect there to be a twist revealing that this isn't the French countryside in WWI at all, but rather a Twilight Zone episode where an alien race who learned about Earth strictly from old movies traps a bunch of people in an elaborate but hollow hologram. But oddly, rather than work against the movie, this vagueness of purpose and origin make the movie somehow more endearing - sort of cute, actually. And speaking of cute, romantic leads James Franco and Jennifer Decker are GOH-JUSS! Seriously -- I could sit and watch these two moon at each other (or moon each other, for that matter) all day. Anyway, Flyboys manages to be a long movie about pretty much nothing that is neither boring nor insulting - these folks are simply out to show us a good time, and even though they only get halfway there, their spirit is commendable. And really, is walking out of a movie and saying "well, that wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be" a terrible thing? I'd much sooner be mildly surprised by the unharnessed moxie of Flyboys than disappointed by the lazy bloat of The Black Dahlia any day.

Reading the Entrails...
Bela Lugosi
Is, Indeed, Dead. (click)

I'm not Lycan this news one bit. (click)

Seriously the most disturbing headline I've ever read. No joke, this is just sick. (click)


 

NEWS 9/20

Stephen Colbert Feels Our Pain
I don't know about you, but I can't get to sleep at night with a little taste of faux-right-wing court jester (and complete batshit lunatic) Stephen Colbert's particular brand of conservative-skewering political comedy. Maybe I just have a thing for skinny white guys who think they're in power.

Either way, Stephen -- ever a friend of the gays (check out Strangers with Candy for a taste) -- last nite took the opportunity to voice his solidarity with the gay horror community by revealing an all-homo-horror On Notice Board, his running list of people and things that had better watch their ass. Check out its beauty at the right. Who knew that Stephen cared as much as we do about the ever-precarious state of Ryan Reynolds' tit-fur?

Stephen, we love you more than words can say. Now get Steve Carell on your show and make out with him. That's the only way we'll love you more.

(Note: this is totally a joke. To make your own On Notice Board, sample the simple brilliance of the On Notice Board Generator)


"It's French, bitch!"
(Stephen Colbert)

Jaws and Orca, Together at Last
It seems all the fags linked the shit out of this one today: AIDS activist and legendary actress Elizabeth Taylor seems to have tucked those trademark violets behind some diving goggles and got in the water with some sharks, despite being confined to a wheelchair.

This bitch may have put on a few in her years, but she fierce, no two ways about it. I had the chance to do a shark tank dive a few months back and turned into a total pussy just thinking about it (I opted to make the plunge but the aquarium sold my spot before I could confirm -- apparently the sharks heard I was coming and weren't keen on having their home filled with hot homo piss). I should be half as kickass as she is, at any age.

We love you, Liz! (check out the WOW Report for source)



Lady in a Cage
(Liz Taylor)

 

NEWS 9/18

Beyond Funny
I'm very late in posting this, but last week the ever-GIF-enabled Rich over at FourFour posted what is probably the funniest horror mash-up I've ever seen: The Beyondce. There's really very little I can say to embellish its brilliance -- just head on over and check it out.



FourFour's Fabulous Fulcian Free-for-All

 

NEWS 9/15

Contest Winner!
So in celebration of CampBlood's shaky 3 years on the planet (awww, look -- Skully's lost his baby legs...), we ran a self-congratulatory contest, offering a Humbert's Revenge tee-shirt to the best reader-administered electronic hand-job. And while we got a handful (no pun intended) of fun responses, the winner is Spazmo, who chose the "Drop Dead Gorges" title of the review of The Descent as his favorite CampBlood moment. Thanks, Spazmo - we were particularly proud of that one.

Other popular items included:

Our incessant Joe Zaso coverage
The Search String Reports (very popular)
The Stephen Geoffreys Intimate Portrait
Use of the phrase "recoiling from her whiskey breath" in the review of The Fan
The review of Scream for Help
Anything Troll 2 related. You sick fucks.
And the photo at the right, which brought one sicko immense pleasure, God knows why.

Anyway, thanks for the memories!


Girls, don't fight -- you're both pretty.

The Knee Jerk: September 15th
As much as I wish otherwise, once-great director Brian De Palma's The Black Dahlia can in no way be considered a horror movie, so it goes here.

The Black Dahlia
An overlong, needlessly elaborate, and alarmingly silly approach to a real-life unsolved 1947 murder case, Brian De Palma's The Black Dahlia is easily the biggest disappointment of the year, unless you had Beerfest pegged for Oscar glory. A diehard De Palma fan since the beginning (I was obsessively renting Carrie at age 9, much to my parents' dismay), I was all geared up for his take on what is one of the sleaziest, creepiest murders in American history. It's got everything one would want in a De Palma story: the Hollywood underbelly (shades of Body Double), lurid sexual overtones (Dressed to Kill), period glamour (The Untouchables), scandal (Bonfire of the Vanities), lesbian intrigue (Femme Fatale), murder (well, pretty much all of them), and lots of opportunities for De Palma's trademark dramatic choreography and lush production design. Unfortunately, it's also got a ludicrous script pulled from a story by watered-down noir novelist James Ellroy and probably the most woefully miscast lead I've ever seen. Hilary Swank nearly steals the movie as a faux-lesbian rich girl with ties to the murder (she also seems to have far more screen time than any of the other supporting characters, which wouldn't be expected from the billing order), and the scenes with her batty rich family are at least rather funny. But the rest of the movie is delivered so flatly that these comic flourishes eventually pull the film in the direction of a kind of lampoon of noir films, with no genuine tension or suspense to set it back on a trajectory toward thrillerhood. It's appropriate that De Palma himself plays the voice of the insulting director in the young Dahlia's screen tests (unless I'm terribly mistaken): he's more responsible in the end than anyone for burying her under all this hokey tedium. Sadly, this muddled late-career meditation on Hollywood artifice and ambition only captures brief flashes of the director's former glory. The rest just feels like a bad joke.

Insert Pussy Joke HERE
I don't know how I missed this, but the hilarious homos over at Fake Gay News posted an alarming item a few weeks back about Rita Mae Brown that deserves our attention. It seems that the noted lesbian author and scripter of Slumber Party Massacre has, in fact, turned into a cat -- likely as a result of co-writing so many delightful supermarket-ready mystery books with her fabulous feline, Sneaky Pie Brown. Well, why not? There's method acting, why not method writing?

Anyway, we hope Rita gets over her pussy problem soon so she can get back to writing the hot SPM sequel that you just KNOW is rattling around in her skull. We love you, Rita!

Read the story HERE (t/y Chuckie)



 

NEWS 9/13

Get Yer Red Hot Joe Zasos at Fangoria!
I've got some VERY exciting news for you Joe Zaso fiends out there. Joe dropped me a note to let me know that he's going to be at the Fangoria convention in Secaucus, New Jersey from September 29 - October 1, promoting his new films including: Barricade, Angel's Blade and Demon Resurrection.

But it gets even better: in a grand gesture to his gay fans, this Horror Himbo has offered a special treat for CampBlood readers: if you go to the fest and tell Joe that CampBlood sent you, you'll get a free autographed photo of Joe. Isn't that awesome? Not only can you meat this tall hunk of man-brisket, but you can take some of him with you without breaking the bank or risking a restraining order. This truly is a beautiful universe.

Now, this offer is only extended to the first 100 visitors, so make sure you get your heineys out there early to meet Joe and some of the other fabulous guests (Charisma Carpenter, John Saxon, Jordana Brewster, Tim Sullivan, Debbie Rochon, Peter Stickles -- whom I just saw in John Cameron Mitchell's Shortbus, Kevin Spirtas, and many more -- check out the site for details).

Bit wet kisses on the bottom to Joe for this generous offer -- don't miss out!


Look -- he left room for the Holy Ghost. Or maybe for you?
(Joe Zaso)

Dave DeCoteau Responds
The fabulous folks over at AfterElton.com have posted a wonderful letter/essay from beloved cult director Dave DeCoteau in response to the many comparisons that have been made between The Covenant and his particular brand of Aberhorror (now who would do a thing like that...?).

Dave makes a point of stressing that he works in the dark sewers of the film industry, but the letter itself makes it clear: this guy is pure class. Methinks the schlockmeister doth protest too much.

Definitely head on over and check it out -- it's a great read. We love you, Dave!



"Flames...Flaming... from the sides of my face..."
(from The Covenant)

 

NEWS 9/12

The Covenant Defies Logic. Twice
First and foremost, a no-name horror movie that looks like it wandered onto screens by accident after missing the turnoff to Direct-to-Videoland held the #1 spot in theatres this past weekend. That in and of itself is cause for celebration, weeping, excessive drinking, and angry screaming at your God or gods.

But even more, shlockster Renny Harlin has done something even more amazing: he has stolen Dave DeCoteau's hot-boys in-peril formula and somehow made it even GAYER.

Don't believe me? Read it and weep. Tears of pure joy, that is.


' Cause he's hot -- hot for you!
(from The Covenant)

Little Miss Trollshine
Speaking of perversions of good taste that challenge the very fabric of the universe to hold together in sheer spite of their mere existence, the world's love affair with Troll 2 continues to rage.

Most recently some deranged individuals put together a trailer for the film that makes the shlocky sequel look like a heartwarming family comedy a la Little Miss Sunshine or Junebug. Is this wrong? Absolutely. But they used a clip of the legendary Garfield Zodiac Tee-Shirt Mirror Dance Routine, so it immediately qualifies them for the Nobel Prize in trailer-cutting. Seriously.

To watch the nonsense (and it really is the best kind of nonsense), head on over HERE. And for those of you in NYC, don't forget -- the Troll 2 Experience at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater is this Thursday!



And it's all downhill from here, kid.

 

NEWS 9/11

Happy Birthday, Skully
This week marks CampBlood's third birthday, and I'd like to take a minute to thank everyone who visits the site or has contributed to its retardedness by submitting to an inane interview, passing along a tip, or buying an overpriced coffee mug. Three hosting companies and countless prescriptions later, Skully and his merry band of misfit Flash buttons are still alive -- er, dead and kicking, and looking forward to another year of irreverent and utterly disposable horror film commentary.

In honor of the occasion, we're running a contest. For a fierce-ass Humbert's Revenge t-shirt and a mangled cat toy, simply do the following:

Drop an email to contest@campblood.org with your favorite quote, picture, or moment on the site from the last 3 years. We'll then try to match that moment up with the painkiller or booze that we were on at the time, and will eventually pick our favorite. Self-congratulatory? Of course - that's what birthdays are all about! And yes, I am wearing a tiara right now.

Send 'em in by Wednesday 10PM EST -- submissions and a winner will be announced Thursday night. Happy nostalgia-waxing!


Today's Word is: Remembrance

Mark Bingham memorial/scholarship site

9/11 Children's Fund site

Manhattan memorial Events site

 

NEWS 9/7

Reading the Entrails...

When Anne Geddes just isn't edgy enough... (click)

Exclusive Photos of Steve Irwin's Last Moments! (click)

Is it wrong to be disappointed that Dead and Breakfast is already taken? (click)



Let's see... milk, bread... eggs... napalm...

 

NEWS 9/6

Barricade Trailer Live!
Joe Zaso
dropped me a line to let me know that the trailer for Timo Rose's Barricade, which stars Joe, is up and running at the film's MySpace site. He also let me know that I had a faulty link in my last post, but hey -- what's a friend if not someone who can tell you when you fucked up in front of what could possibly be dozens of your mother's more Internet-savvy friends?

Check out the trailer, which boasts a glimpse of the long-promised skinny dipping scene that we've all marked our calendars for!


Those eyes don't just gaze... they burn.
(Joe Zaso's peepers)

Today's Word is: Schadenfreude
I know this isn't funny, but it totally is: click HERE.

Janice, you're a magnificent cunt.

 

NEWS 9/4

Heavens to Betsy!
For those of you in NYC, you are in for a fucking TREAT: this coming Saturday (Sept. 9th), you have an opportunity to see Bryan Norton's fabulous short film Penny Dreadful for free. And the really exciting part? Betsy Palmer herself, who has a small part in the film, will be there and will even be signing autographs, free of charge!

Betsy has a longtime rapport with the gays, and her place as the overbearing Alpha Mother of the horror genre is virtually undisputed -- it's time for us sissies to show up en masse and give her the respect she's entitled to!

If you're in town and want to meet Mrs. Voorhees in person and check out this wonderful film (which has been tearing up the festival circuit and winning Best Short awards left and right), check out the details below and get your ass to the screening. I know I'll be there, as will a motley crew of homo horror nuts -- come make fun of us! And Norton's a cutie-pie, which doesn't exactly hurt.

Penny Dreadful Screening
Saturday, Sept. 9th @ 7:00PM
New York Film Academy Screening Room
100 E. 17th Street, 4th Floor

The screening will be hosted by Betsy Palmer and is free and open to all! No RSVP is required. For more information, contact Bryan Norton at 212-529-0050 or Badhousefilms@aol.com.


Still got it...
(Betsy Palmer and Bryan Norton)

A Far Cry From Home: First Pics!
I just got a buttload of hot pics from the just-wrapped shoot of provocateur Alan Rowe Kelly's A Far Cry from Home, a film that promises to send large portions of the population into apoplectic shock. The film is about a gay couple who stumble across a curiosity shop in the middle of nowhere, and find themselves at the mercy of a band of religious zealots out to cleanse the earth. Needless to say, I'm beyond intrigued.

From what I see in the pics and have heard from Alan, this ain't your mother's gay road movie. In fact, it'll likely cause a great deal of controversy because of its pull-no-punches approach to hate crime. Some people don't like to see "ugly" -- but you know what? This kind of shit happens waaaaaaaay too often, and maybe it's time someone told this kind of story for what it is.

I've put up a page to house the pics, which do get pretty ugly. You can never accuse Alan of vanity, that's for sure! Check back for updates on Far Cry and the anthology that it belongs to, Hung By a Thread -- or check out the film's official site for more info!


Extreme Makeover: Survival Terror Edition
(Alan Rowe Kelly in A Far Cry from Home)

 

NEWS 8/31

The Knee Jerk: August 31
Here's where I blather on about movies that I have absolutely no business talking about, as they generally feature no beheadings. This week boasts three -- count 'em -- three films that didn't screen for critics (The Wicker Man, Idiocracy, Crank), but there is a rabid little documentary opening that's both hilarious and really, really fucking disturbing.

This Film is Not Yet Rated
A fascinating bit of cinematic espionage, Kirby Dick's audacious This Film is Not Yet Rated trains its crosshairs on the MPAA ratings board - and when it's focused on its mission, it has all the punk energy and rabid fervor of the best antiestablishment pranks. But Rated isn't simply a prank - it's a legitimate attempt to pull back the bizarre veils of secrecy that enfold the film rating process, and what it reveals is rather shocking. If you're a lover of film, surveillance, or provocateurs, you'll definitely get a kick out of the documentary that sent the MPAA scrambling for PR damage control. For the most part, the film is a riot. It's great to be able to see a lot of the footage that has been cut from some of the best indie films of the past decade, and learn about this decidedly uncreative aspect of the creative process. There's also an odd amount of gay content here -- from the private detective he hires to the disproportionately large number of lesbian filmmakers (including American Psycho's Mary Harron), and of course the always-entertaining John Waters. I seriously can't believe that Dick literally stalked the members of the heretofore "secret" ratings board, went through their trash, etc. -- hats off to him for taking on the establishment and entertaining us in the process, and let's hope that something gets done about the state of the American ratings system as a result.

 

NEWS 8/30

Reading the Entrails...

You have to admire their spirit. What, no Motherfucking Weeble-Wobbles? (t/y Lance)

Ever seen a grown man cry? Watch the video. Real tears, people.

One down, 457,394 to go. (t/y Larn)



Finally, a photo of the inside of my mind.

 

NEWS 8/28

Morning Joe
So it's the last week of August, meaning that most people are either on vacation or in rehab. But I'm still here, churning out as much gay horror enjoyment as I can despite the fact that the weather sucks and the NYC subway is treating me like a rented bitch (folks on the L train, I'm sure you can sympathize).

Anyway, I was delighted to get a note from Horror Himbo (and all-around nice guy) Joe Zaso with an update on his German-based flick Barricade, which shot earlier this summer (check out the MySpace site HERE). Joe was kind enough to kick off our week with a little bondage-inspired beefcake and let me know that the film features both Joe and costar Andre Reissig doing some bare-assed skinny dipping.

Click on the pic at the right for a larger version, and keep checking in for more updates on Barricade, Mr. Z, and other humpy horror news. And try to relax a little, will ya? Summer is ready when you are.



"Greetings from Buzz's basement -- wish you were here!"

 

NEWS 8/24

Fire Island Gay and Lesbian Film Fest: Update
Remember how a few weeks ago I mentioned the Camp and Vamp Horror Fest, to be held at the Fire Island Gay and Lesbian Film Fest on Friday, September 15th? Well, I'm officially totally going -- this lineup is far too fuckable to pass up. So if you have any desire to punch me in the face or maybe score a coveted CampBlood.org gift bag, head on out to Cherry Grove for some bloody good fun!

The fest organizer let me know that the website for the Long Island Gay Lesbian Film Fest (which is a sibling-fest, I believe) has been updated to feature synopses and images from the films at the fest, so pop on over and check out the gooey niblets that will soon be dripping down the screen like so many spoonsful of bloody creamed corn.

Hope to see you on the 15th!


Need I suggest that you avoid the glory holes?
(from SCAB)

The Knee Jerk: August 25th
Every week I try to bring you sneak criticism of at least one or two non-horror releases, because I know that as soon as I turn my back you trade your Zombi t-shirts for Abercrombie and change the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network.

Beerfest
If National Lampoon’s European Vacation and Euro Trip didn’t satisfy your quota for Americans making themselves look like total assholes abroad, the fellows at the Broken Lizard comedy troupe have brought you Beerfest, a comedy that would easily qualify as the most aggressively stupid movie of the year had it not been trumped by a movie about NASCAR. You’re off your game, fellas – why limit yourselves to idiotic drunks when you could have had idiotic drunk racecar drivers? Still, for what it’s worth, Beerfest is fairly entertaining stuff – it’s packed with lame sight gags, atrocious overacting, and deliriously sophomoric writing, but it also makes you laugh every few minutes, so mission accomplished. Boasting supporting appearances by Cloris Leachman, Mo'Nique, and Donald Fucking Sutherland, it's almost as if these guys were trying to make a legitimate movie here. Highlights include a hilarious “house of horrors” walk through the city’s underbelly on the way to the Beerfest (the fellas double as ridiculous denizens of the underworld, including the Emcee from Cabaret), a hilarious melee under the Oktoberfest tent that plays out like something out of a beer-fueled college fantasy, and an overlong but amusing “beer goggles” scene that would have made a better short film but gives Mo’Nique a chance to get nasty. Overall the loose, “anything goes” style may allow for a nugget or two of comedy gold, but ultimately it just makes for a padded film – Beerfest runs almost two hours, and by the end you’ll be as sore in the ass as you are thirsty for some suds. I can’t quite figure out where this trend of overlong comedies is coming from (everything from the woefully uninspired Wedding Crashers to the wonderful-but-draggy 40-Year-Old Virgin to the slapdash Talladega Nights more often than not outstayed their welcome), but it reeks of laziness in the editing room more than anything else. Much like those drunken party guys that you hung out with in college but wouldn’t call now if they were a bone marrow match, the amusement gleaned from this kind of aimless buddy humor wears thin pretty quickly, and it’s best to get out before someone pukes – or in this case, falls asleep. But there’s still enough laughs to be had in Beerfest to make it worth a trip to the bar -- and almost enough to forgive them for Club Dead.


Reading the Entrails...

Why not? It worked on Oz... Oh, it didn't? Never mind.

Totally Barbara Stanwyck. All the way.

I've heard of "bomb-ass pussy", but this is a new one...

Riley Ray, you better run for cover. Celine don't fuck around.

Corporal punishment, capital punishment... Cannibal punishment?

Yes, we have these here, too. We call them rats.


Hush, hush, sweet pussycat.

 

NEWS 8/23

New York City Horror Film Festival Announces Dates!
That's right, NYC's very own big-screen bloodbath, the NYCHFF, is back for its 5th year - and if the momentum it's gained up to this point is any indication, this year will be a fucking doozy. Official dates of October 18th-22nd have been announced for the fest, which again will be held at the Tribeca Cinemas at 54 Varick.

The official schedule won't be announced until October 1st (they're taking submissions through September 15th), but I'm sure they'll be updating the site in the meantime with gristly nuggets of goodness. Check it out, and check back often!

And for an idea of past coverage of the event, check out my write up from a few years back. Frothy!

Swag My Bitch Up!
Hey, kids – don’t forget about the awesome t-shirts, mugs, doggie clothes, posters, tote bags, bumper stickers, buttons, magnets, mousepads, and more that you can find at the Barney's of the gay horror internet, the CampBlood.org Swag Outlet. There’s a special back-to-school special going on – free shipping on orders of $50 or more! Whether you’re an Anchorwoman in Peril, have recently lost your boyfriend to zombies, or want to spread the scourge of Humbert’s Revenge in your own neighborhood, there’s gotta be some hot trim there for you to enjoy. All proceeds go toward keeping this piece of shit moving – CONSUME!


Search String Reports on a Plane
Yes, kids – it’s that time of the month again, when CampBlood’s inner linings become overnourished with information and begin to sluice ripe data down its fiber-optic birth canal, where it splashes across your screen with staggering fecundity. A lot of strange search engine strings (when you Googlevicki lawrence cleavage”, for example) lead people here, and I’ve got the incoming reports to prove it. Here are my favorites for the month.

spell lee grant
Um… you just did? Anyway, there’s this.

drinking game shark attack 3 stock footage
May as well just call it “death by alcohol poisoning”.

tee shirt every time you masturbate san francisco
Last time I masturbated San Francisco I got a hell of a sore wrist… and honestly, who has the closet space?

stick of butter bronson sex
I’m not quite sure what’s going on here. But I think my discussion of a certain set of “buttery buns” in Ten to Midnight led them here.

crusty island hookers
I don’t know if it's the island that's supposed to be crusty, or the hookers. Either way I need a shower.

brenda vaccaro raped
I’d never let that happen. But if I did, it would look strikingly like Death Weekend.

movie about people eating green corn and turning into trolls
Just leave us alone, will you?! Fragasso, you BITCH!!

man sandwich costume
Bon appetit.

brooke shields rain slicker
Thank you, New Jersey

gene shalit halloween mask
Okay, so the guy in Terror Train isn’t actually wearing a Gene Shalit Halloween mask, but it looks like there’s a market for them after all!

are gay bars scary?

Not as scary as babies.

celebrity sex hardcore barbara streisand jayne kennedy linnea quigley
Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have our new Surreal Life cast.

filipino fucks fish beastiality
Fucks fish? Is that even possible?

danny pintauro suicide drugs gay killed
Check back in a month or two.

deborah raffin hairy arms
Eeew!

most hilarious motherfucking picture in the universe of mother whore bitches
Got it.

lauren tewes quality fine foods
I’m laughing too hard at this one to even crack a joke.

bryan singer boxers or briefs?
From what I hear, Underoos.

demon semen
You’re a poet and don’t even know it!

asian nun sister satanic fucking a cross
…Mom?

horror thing comes out of lipstick case
Yes, it’s called “lipstick”.

orlando bloom costume rabbit
Now, is this Orlando Bloom in a rabbit costume, or a rabbit in an Orlando Bloom costume?

how to toast baguettes
With Champagne, of course!

tokyo convertible
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!

Scared Shirtless
We like shirtless men. And you sick pervs would like to see these men, shirtless, in this order:

Nathan Phillips
Ryan Reynolds
Mike Rowe
Timothy Olyphant
Danny Lopes
Eddie Cibrian
Christopher Knight
Topher Grace
Zachary Levi
Joey Lawrence
Matt Dallas
Nathan Baesel
Franky G
Margot Kidder
Jared Padalecki
Justin Long
Evan Farmer
Kevin Zegers
Shawn Ashmore
Simon Baker
Dominic Purcell
Andres Garcia
Nick Stabile
John Saxon
Sean Faris
Ross Kemp
Michael Cassidy
Will Sanderson
Liev Schreiber
Johnny Messner
Christopher Atkins
Ewan Macgregor
Andrew Levitas
George Eads


The Blue Lagoon 2, Australian Boogaloo
(Nathan Phillips in Under the Radar)

Johnny, Are You Queer?
I get a lot of readers who end up at this site because they’re trying to determine if a particular actor is gay and seem to think I’ll know. Well, even if I did know, I wouldn’t be telling the likes of you, Johnny-Come-Lately! So WHAT if an actor has a bit of the gayface every now and then – is that a CRIME?! JEEEZZ!

Kevin Spirtas
Thomas Jane
Matt Dallas
Brian Gross
Joe Zaso
Colin Egglesfield
Justin Long
Daniel Travis
Dominic Purcell
Will Shortz (?!)
Jason Behr
Evan Farmer
Eddie Cibrian
Scott Speedman

 

NEWS 8/21

Dykes to Watch Out For
Reading like The Outsiders meets The L Word, a curious news item hit today detailing how what is described as "a gang of petite but ornery lesbians" stabbed and beat a man in the West Village on Friday night for hitting on, spitting on, and threatening one of the ladies.

I don't know -- details of the case are still emerging, but this sounds a bit odd. One of the ladies involved notes that the man, a bootleg DVD street vendor (which means he should be burned at the stake anyway), had his advances on one of the ladies rebuffed, at which point he insulted the group for their sexuality and flicked a cigarette at them, leading the lady to pull a steak knife from her bag and stab him. The woman interviewed calls the man's actions a "hate crime".

Okay. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but flicking a cigarette at someone and insulting them is New York for "May the Good Lord bless and keep you, my child!", while gutting someone with your Chicago Cutlery is more along the lines of a crime. As a wise fat woman once said, "Violence is not the answer... on the Ricki Lake Show". Curiouser and curiouser...


I see babies, but no steak knife. Okay, babies are scarier.

Reading the Entrails...

Yes, Virginia -- there is no God.

Jo Jo Dancer, your spinal fluid is calling.

 

NEWS 8/18

Sweeney Razorhands
This is phenomenal news: it was reported recently that 5-time collaborators Tim Burton and Johnny Depp will be reuniting again to bring Stephen Sondheim's brilliant Sweeney Todd to the screen. This is simply one of the most amazing things, like, EVER. Granted, I don't know that anything will ever scare me as much as Angela Lansbiddy croaking on about having the worst pies in London (a role that Helena Bonham Carter has GOT to be blackening her teeth for as we speak), but if anyone is to capture the macabre glee of the play while bringing it to a large audience, Burton is it. The only question that remains (and it's a pretty big one) is, Can Johnny sing? Sure, he's been labeled a rocker since he was in training pants (what with the modelizing and the Viper Room and what-not), but have we ever actually HEARD him? And also, Sweeney is a much darker role than we're used to seeing from America's favorite gay-seeming pirate. Will he be able to pull off the role of a ruthless killer? Hmmm...


The best a man can get
(Sweeney Todd)

The Knee Jerk: August 18th
Wait -- did Pulse come out yet? Fuck if I know -- the movie's been sitting on a shelf since Veronica Mars only had breast buds. Since Snakes on a Plane didn't screen for anyone, I was forced to sit through a screenings of non-genre film screenings this week, just to satiate the hungry volcano that is you, my voracious readers. Boys for Pele, indeed.

The Illusionist
You know, I was totally on board for this -- it's got a great premise and setting, Hottie McHottiepants Jessica Biel (whom I've been championing since her white-hot Final Girl turn in the TCM remake -- seriously, fuckers - she was fantastic), and Paul "Will Act (Well) for Food" Giamatti going for it (seriously -- is he in every movie released this summer?). Unfortunately, it also has something else: an illusionist. Have you ever seen that character on Little Britain, the stage hypnotist who uses his powers to haggle down prices at yard sales and sh*t ("lookintomyeyeslookintomyeyesnotaroundtheeyesbutintheeyes")? This is basically a feature-length version of that. A precious and somewhat messy old-timey thriller, The Illusionist makes an admirable attempt at transporting the audience to a lush and romantic Vienna of years past, but really only gets them about as far as the lobby. Sunk by severe unevenness (mostly due to a staggeringly uninteresting performance by lead Ed Norton), the film amuses but never dazzles - and as a result, the various slights-of-hand performed by characters and filmmakers alike come off less as acts of magic, and more as the clumsy parlor tricks of results-based filmmaking. I admire director Neil Burger for what he was attempting to pull off here (and for being a total hottie -- have you seen this man?!), but with its uninspired lead performance and cheap-looking visual trickery (for a movie called The Illusionist, you'd think they'd invest in something better than bad CGI for the, uh, "illusions"), this Illusionist feels more like a Three-card-Monte. Despite best efforts from the supporting cast (particularly Giamatti and Biel, who proves herself to be both breathtakingly beautiful and significantly more solid an actress than I was willing to give her credit for) and a few well-placed flourishes (mostly in the film's flashbacks), the film is too clumsy to sustain itself, eventually devolving into the smoke and mirrors from which it tries so desperately to distract.

Accepted
Is college comedy Accepted the next Animal House? Hell, no - in fact, it's probably not even the next Van Wilder. But something about this scrappy slackers-make-good-outside-the-system movie is undeniably charming. While it's not necessarily funny enough to be worth seeing for its comedy merits, and yet not smart enough to be considered a crackling satire, it somehow manages to settle in a middle-ground that, while blander than it could be, is at least mildly endearing. While you might not laugh your ass off for 90 minutes and you won't come away having learned anything, you'll likely find this sweet but offbeat little flick to be a perfectly acceptable diversion. This would likely have been impossible to pull off at all without the limber, seemingly effortless performance of Justin Long, who continues his quiet move on Hollywood with yet another incredibly likeable comic performance in what could easily be a disposable romp (see also: Waiting, Dodgeball, and of course his early role as the lead of Jeepers Creepers). Long wears the whole "reluctant hero" thing quite well - he's got a scruffy, grounded way to him that somehow allows him to navigate through clunky monologues without seeming rehearsed and yet doesn't make the odd poop joke seem entirely out-of-character. Again, Accepted isn't great - it's not funny enough to be a raucous side-splitter, and not clever or biting enough to make for really resonant satire. But it does have a genuine admiration for the scratch-and-dents of society who can't seem to find their way - and this lends it a certain unexpected sweetness. This is "No Child Left Behind" as seen through the eyes of the children themselves - and that kind of DIY wish-fulfillment is pretty hard to resist. .

 

NEWS 8/17

Escape to Fire Island!
I just got a note from the director of the Fire Island Film and Video Festival, and I'm seriously crapping my pants as I type this (well, it's also because one of my favorite designers just got Auf'd from Project Runway, but I'm a multifaceted emoter). It seems that the little vixens out there at the Arts Project of Cherry Grove have cooked their brains to souffle out there in the summer sun, and as a result have announced the Camp and Vamp Horror Fest, an all-night gay horror clusterfuck of bloody queer naughtiness.

The Camp and Vamp will be held on Friday, September 15th at 11:30PM, and the lineup is seriously the best thing since sliced twink. For one ticket, you get to see:

Dead Serious
Creatures from the Pink Lagoon
Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island
Scab

Zombie Prom (short: a horror musical featuring RuPaul!)
Perfect Filtration (short: a choose-your-own adventure that's actually quite funny)

This is the gay horror fest that I was praying would happen somewhere -- and combined with the boozy beaches of F.I., it's a destination that any horror homo worth his margarita salt will scramble to get to. I'm even planning on making it out there myself and may have some goodies to pass out to guests (no handjobs, sorry -- the carpal tunnel's been acting up!), so definitely try to make it out, mmkay?

For more info on the fest, check out the website for the Grove Hotel, who is offering a fucking 50% discount for film fest guests who book online and enter the code FILMFEST as a promotional code. And for those of you out on the island during the week, the fest is also opening with the excellent gay thriller In the Blood, which is one of my favorite gay flicks of the year. Check out my review, and buy your goddamn tickets!


This book is actually really funny
(you can order is HERE)

Requiem for a Showpony, Revisited
I'm sure you've all seen by now that they've arrested a 41-year-old American, in Bangkok, for the murder of poor little JonBenet Ramsey, the little girl who was horribly murdered 10 years ago after a short, miserable life of being squeezed repeatedly by her parents to make gold coins pour out of her vagina.

While this is a good thing in that it will hopefully give the poor little girl's restless soul some peace (not to mention those who dressed her up like a whore and paraded her around like a purebred -- I mean, those who loved her), it still makes me sick to even think about the whole disgusting situation. If you want to read more about the arrest, click HERE. But if you'd rather watch a 1-minute video of hilarious cat clips, click HERE instead. I know which one I'd be doing.


Still exploited, still dead.

 

NEWS 8/15

The Brotherhood 5: Young Ripoffs
Yeah, is it just me, or does the new “young warlocks in love” flick The Covenant look like it was pulled straight out of the David DeCoteau collection? Seriously – check out the trailer for Renny Harlin’s new pic and tell me if it isn’t just a big-budget ripoff of one of the Brotherhood movies. Sure, in this one the guys actually seem legitimately attracted to the girls, but other than that it’s all there: homoerotic circle rituals, swim meets, funny contact lenses, and not a stray body hair to be found in the bunch. Sue their asses, Dave!

Actually, I dropped Dave a note about the striking resemblance that The Covenant seems to have to bear to his own distinct brand of boys-in-underwear-in-peril movies and he quite graciously replied that he would consider any silimarities to be a compliment -- ever the darling. Me, I'd be mailing boxes of flaming dog-poo to Renny Harlin as we speak. Or maybe just copies of Cutthroat Island.

Check out the preview for The Covenant HERE and let me know what you think.


Young? Check.
Cute? Check.
Flaming? Check.
(from The Covenant)

Beastly Boyz Hit the Streetz
Speaking of mister Dave and his stable of bloody young things, the first film under the new Rapid Heart Extreme banner, Beastly Boyz, has a street date: October 2nd. You might remember that Rapid Heart Extreme is the more provocative shingle of the production company that brought us Leeches!, the Brotherhood films, and many others -- and for those of us looking for something a bit more bloody, dark, and queer, this is quite promising (although the "Extreme" label seems ominously absent from the packaging design -- but it's the thought that counts, right?).

Paper called the flick "perverse" and "strange as hell", which makes it even more appetizing, in my book. I'll have a review for you as soon as I get my mitts on it -- in the meantime, head on over to the official site for a trailer and ordering info. And check out the exclusive pics that we snagged months back -- nasty!

Reading the Entrails...

Looks like Levity is getting his revenge!

...or is it, "The World's Largest Pepsi"?

Creepaway Camp? Keepaway Camp? I can just hear his defense now: "Those underage handicapped retards were totally begging for it".

 

NEWS 8/14

Oh My Nilbog...
My new best friend Jaikob just sent me the most wonderful, blessed news I've heard in months: it seems that some fucking lunatic has mounted a screening of what is perhaps the worst movie ever made, Troll 2, in New York City.

Yes, kids: you, too can attend a theatrical showing of the film that one critic called "shit at 24 frames per second", "so bad you'd think it's Italian", and "so bad it made my teeth hurt". Of course, that critic was me -- but hell, I'm right, so why bother quoting anyone else?

Anyway, some batshits who apparently don't want this cinematic abomination to simply fade into the obscurity that it is begging for are screening Troll 2, complete with a party and Q&A with some of the cast (including Michael Stephenson, who played mommy-obsessed, dinner-urinating hero Joshua) at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre on Thursday, September 14th at 9:30. For more information, check out their website, which also allows you to buy advance tickets -- because you know this shit's gonna sell out before you can say "my dad's gonna bite off you teeny little balls and eat them". I'll be there because the movie's like a fever-dream for me and the gay subtext of the film is staggering. Considering that it was directed by the man who once cast gay porn legend Jeff Stryker in a Zombie movie, that's not altogether surprising.

And for a trip down memory lane, read my review -- it's actually one of the first reviews posted on this site and it's funny-colored. Tee-hee.

 


Help! They won't let me forget the moment of my greatest shame!
(Michael Stephenson in Troll 2)

 

NEWS 8/11

The Knee Jerk: August 11
Okay, so you've all seen The Descent, so I can let you out of your ankle cuffs long enough to run out to the multiplexes to see something else. Just make sure it's not about terrorists, mmkay?

Half Nelson
First off, Ryan Gosling is a straight-up hottie. And you know how a hot guy somehow gets even hotter when you see him interacting with kids? Like, seeing him being all sensitive and ego-less is just the most endearing thing ever? Well, imagine Ryan Gosling teaching a class full of 13-year-olds, and swoon heavy. Of course, Half Nelson isn't all about ogling Gosling's wiry frame (although there is a good bit of it to be done, worry not) -- his character is an idealistic young teacher whose ambitions and happiness are sadly handicapped by a rather severe drug habit. When one of his students (the fantastic Shareeka Epps, turning in one of the most realistic teen performances since Kerry Washington in the amazing -- and amazingly underseen -- Our Song) stumbles upon Dan smoking crack in the locker room, both of their lives are thrown into a spiral. Drey needs role models: her mom's too busy working to watch her, and her brother's in jail for dealing. Fortunately, her brother's business partner Frank (Anthony Mackie) is helping out -- but does Frank have designs on getting Drey into the business? Dan does his best to protect Drey from falling in with the wrong crowd, but really -- as a crack-smoking teacher, who is he to talk? It's very rare that a movie comes along where you genuinely want all of the characters involved to be alright, but Half Nelson, in its study of the ways in which our culture pushes us to compromise, is one of those films. Although there are drug dealers, drug users, felons, teachers, families, single parents, and kids involved, there are no clear-cut heroes or villains - these are all perfectly decent people who are trying to make the best of their circumstances and deal best with their own demons. We're encouraged to understand all of them without judging their actions, and the fact that Nelson succeeds for the most part in getting us to do so is what makes it such a unique film.

Little Miss Sunshine
Easily the best comedy so far this year, and battling admirably for the best film overall, Little Miss Sunshine is a throwback to the days when comedies were raucous, touching, vulgar, delightful, hyperactive, contemplative, wholly inappropriate and touchingly wise. And that's sometimes all in one scene. The travels and travails of a beleaguered (and hilariously fractured) family desperately trying to hold together, Sunshine has one of the freshest scripts, most brilliantly simple concepts, and most talented casts I've seen in years. Steve Carell is officially my future husband (sorry, Ryan) -- as gay uncle Frank (who recently attempted suicide): his humbled, measured mania and unspoken need to reconnect with sane people is simply brilliant. And he's hot -- seriously, go see the movie and tell me I'm making that up. The man is a looker. Greg Kinnear is back to form as the overpowering, preposterously optimistic father; Alan Arkin is flat-out hilarious as the loving but perverted grampa; Paul Dano (L.I.E., The Ballad of Jack and Rose) adds another impressive performance to his resume as the voluntarily mute nihilist son; and newcomer Abigail Breslin is adorably dorky as impressionable young Olive, whose happiness seems to ride on her long-shot chance at winning the Miss Sunshine pageant. My only complaint is that Toni Collette, while fabulous as always, is a bit underused -- one gets the feeling that there's something missing with her story. But otherwise, Sunshine is the tightest, most satisfying, and most organically hilarious script since 9 to 5 (and I'm not just saying that because they share a macabre subplot), with an added layer of family pathos. The image of this family continually getting out to push-start their dilapidated VW bug is wonderfully simple: these people will keep pushing along, together, no matter what. And that's a beautiful thing. Don't miss this one.

World Trade Center
Oliver Stone's World Trade Center is a tough film to grade on a standard scale because it is desperately insistent on being less a film and more a tribute - and as anyone who has sat through a Lifetime Intimate Portrait can attest, a fitting tribute is not necessarily good film. Though Stone's film is surprisingly (and perhaps refreshingly to many) apolitical in its handling of the attacks of September 11th, 2001, it's also unexpectedly overwrought in its sentimentality, ultimately tipping into what feels like made-for-television cliché. What begins as an awe-inspiring account of the most horrifying day in many of our lives loses its narrative steam and devolves into a series of wistful flashbacks and waking dreams that would be better suited to an episode of Chicago Hope than to a film about the near destruction of lower Manhattan. As an American, as a New Yorker, and as a film lover, I was neither moved nor inspired. In fact, I was bored. The intention here was apparently not to create compelling cinema, but to create a tribute to two men caught in the horror of the attacks, and aside from getting a bit schmaltzy (as tributes often do), I guess that that mission has been accomplished. Unfortunately, the limited scope of World Trade Center and the narrative gymnastics that it is forced to execute to tell its story prevent the film from being much more than that. Unlike the gripping and emotionally resonant United 93 before it, this account of the horrors of 9/11 feels counterfeit, compromised, and flat; sadly, it is an ill-conceived and generally unaffecting tribute to the thousands of men and women directly affected by the tragedy.

 

NEWS 8/7

Hot on Descent
So according to estimates, The Descent didn't really fare so well at the box office, taking in a little under $9 million and coming it at #5. True, I think word of mouth on this one is going to work to its advantage (it's usually the other way around with horror films, unfortunately), so the fact that it didn't make its bank in the first weekend might not be that big of a deal. But come on -- how much did the abysmal When a Stranger Calls make in its opening weekend? Or Boogeyman? Granted, they didn't have a hairy, naked Will Ferrell to compete with but still, this kind of makes me sick.

Anyway, I'm not giving up yet -- and the number of people who have come to me begging to know the original, UK-released ending of the film shows me that you kids have definitely taken up the cause and went to see the flick in theatres over the weekend (haven't heard a single negative piece of feedback, either). So to make it easy, and to give you kids even more incentive to check this one out, I'm going to tell you what the original ending was.

All you have to do is highlight the blank area below with your mouse, and the text will be revealed. Now please don't ruin things for yourself -- if you haven't seen the movie, DON'T BLOW THE ENDING. Go see the flick first, then come back and suckle at the tit of knowledge that is CampBlood.org. Now read on for the juicy bits...

In the US ending, Sarah awakens from a blackout to a shaft of light spilling down a hill of human bones. She frantically climbs up the bones towards the source of light, and bursts through a tangle of brush into the cool, damp mountain air (it's exhilerating, really). She runs to the car, takes off, and eventually pulls over, comletely exhausted. A truck passes by too quickly (echoing the accident from the opening) and scares her awake, and she comes to her senses. About to take off, she turns and sees the ghost of Juno sitting beside her. She screams, cut to black.

This all happens in the original film as well, but it doesn't end there. After the Juno jump-scare, Sarah awakens in the cave once again. Yes, it was a dream, her mind envisioning what an escape might be like. In her own mind, escape is not a happy ending -- she knows that even were she to get out of the cave, she would be haunted by the memory of murdering her friend forever. Sarah sees, for about the fifth time, the image of her daughter holding the birthday cake in front of her. She smiles across the candles over the cake. The camera pulls back, and we see that Sarah is hunched on all fours not over a cake, but over her torch -- the flame lights the smile on her face as she gazes into empty space, at the memory of her daughter, who in her mind is very much with her. The camera pulls back, and we hear the sounds of the crawlers surrounding Sarah, but she doesn't move. She's lost. Fade to black.

I find the original ending infinitely more resonant, emotionally and purely from a technical perspective. For one, it shows that Sarah is aware, in some small way, that she is psychologically doomed by her actions, and allows her to make the choice to remain with her happy memories for the short amount of time she has left before she is overtaken. That to me is much more devastating than the escape and jump-scare, which only prolongs the torment without giving it a moment to sink in with the character and the audience. Plus, the American cut actually lets Sarah out, which to me reeks of the desire of a studio to make a sequel, nothing more. Really, if she's fucked either way, why bother? Also, the birthday cake imagery that peppers the film up to this point finally comes into focus -- that cake becomes Sarah's torch, and the image is put to rest as she gazes over the flame, completely lost in her own mind. Without this final image, the birthday cake shots earlier in the film just seem like artsy-fartsy babble that's just there to annoy us. The US cut feels incomplete.

So that's that!

 

NEWS 8/4

The Knee Jerk: August 4
Aside from the glorious The Descent, which you're likely sick of hearing me clutch my pearls over, there are a few non-horror flicks coming out this weekend. Oddly, both of the below wide-release films feature prominent gay characters. COINCIDENCE? Um... actually, yes. And if I'd realized that the Latina coming-of-age flick Quinceanera was co-directed by gay porn director Wash West (he brought us the gay porn spoof of The Ring, aptly titled The Hole), I would have made sure to check it out -- as it is, you'll have to deal with these. Ignore! I mean -- enjoy!

The Night Listener
A film adaptation of Armistad Maupin's fact-based novel, The Night Listener actually feels more like a well-told short story: clocking in at 81 minutes and delivering a compact, satisfying mystery, the film is as streamlined as they come. "Listener" is a deliciously twisted real-life mystery involving a young writer with a horrible past, an aging writer who can't handle the present, and the woman that connects them - all packed into a slick, haunting little story that barely grazes the themes of the nature of truth and wish fulfillment, but lets just enough blood to set your mind wandering. We won't even get into the seriously creepy real-life connections to both the Anthony Godby Johnson and J.T. LeRoy scandals (Maupin based the book on his own experience with Johnson) - the fact that this film features a gay lead character but the story film has absolutely nothing to do with his sexuality is quietly earth-shattering. Seriously, think about it -- has this ever happened? Add on the fact that it's frigging Mork from Ork playing the author of Tales of the City, throw in some white-hot Toni Collette (I so wanna be her when I grow up) and a legitimately disturbing story, score it beautifully, and we're off to the races. Directed with restraint (Patrick Stettner also made the quite devilish Business of Strangers) and superbly acted, this atmospheric little thriller makes the most mundane relationships brim with intrigue, and is a cool, calculated remedy to the late-summer doldrums.

Talladega Nights
They say lightening never strikes the same place twice, and certainly holds true for Talladega Nights, the scattershot sophomore effort from the team that brought us the hilarious Anchorman a few years back. Less a film than a collection of loosely-related chances for the admittedly talented comedic cast to improvise, Nights is one of those movies that features outtakes during the end credits, outtakes that are much funnier than the film that preceded them. I think that pretty much sums it up. The strangest subplot is that of Jean Girard, played by Sacha Baron Cohen (best known as Ali G). I suppose that in conceiving the greatest threat to a NASCAR lover's way of life, the writers felt that both gay AND French would create the equivalent of a Kraken in a driving helmet. Although the film is careful not to outwardly attack Jean and his husband (Andy Richter, of all people, as a dog trainer), Jean's repeated sexual advances on Ricky are a bit disquieting, particularly since we're talking about Will Farrell here. I mean, really. But the climactic scene of the film - the big race, of course - boasts one of the most subversive and admittedly hilarious moments I've seen in a broad comedy, which kind of puts everything into perspective (let's just say that the filmmakers have driven the concept of the "victory kiss" into uncharted territory). It's interesting to watch the wildly different acting styles of Cohen, who has made his name in sustaining preposterous characters for long stretches with unsuspecting audiences, and Ferrell, who is definitely a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am sketch-comedy grad. While Ferrell's talent lies in hitting the punchlines, Cohen's sly, measured approach is much more subtle, focusing on the nuances of his character's speech and body language. It's actually a great performance, but it's likely to be lost under the din of roaring engines and fat men screaming in racing leathers. Again, there are some very funny things to be had here - but given that there's a bumper crop of really solid late-summer releases this year (The Descent, Little Miss Sunshine, The Night Listener), this endearing but messy assortment of gags just isn't enough to merit a full-price ticket. Maybe die-hard NASCAR fans who have been aching to see their sport played out on the big screen (with a healthy dose of ridicule, in this case) will be blown away, but those who enjoyed Anchorman for its brilliant blend of humor, heart, nostalgia, and cat fashion shows will no doubt be disappointed.

 

NEWS 8/3

Dig These Guys!
Wow. This one's just too appropriate for words -- it's as if someone knew that all you sick fucks were out there, begging for this sort of wanking material. It seems that a mortician from California, in a well-intentioned but ultimately way creepy effort to raise money for breast cancer survivors, has devised a Men of Mortuaries pin-up calendar. You know those firemen calendars where the hunky smudged-up fellas hold their hoses and pose for various charities?

Well, this is kind of like that, only with dead people. Okay, there are no actual corpses involved (at least, not yet -- the layouts of the photo
shoots have yet to be determined, apparently), but still -- this is a genuinely unsettling project, and one that I'm certainly going to chip in for. You can get a look at the guys who I'm assuming are posing for the calendar over here (sadly, it doesn't look like Cemetary Man's humpy Rupert Everett is posing, however appropriate that might be). I just love the bizarre "now you see it, now you don't" animated picture. A must-have for any horror sissy who loves to mix pleasure with charity. (thanks WOW)


Cemetary Man
(David Fisch of the Mortuary Man calendar)

A Different, Different Set of Jaws
Love shark movies? Not as much as I do. Check out my review of the wonderful 12 Days of Terror, and enjoy this fun short film about, well, a shark. Okay, it's made by 8-year-olds or something, but it's actually really cute. Make sure to watch for the little girl in the hot Hee-Haw wig on the inflatable raft -- she's fierce.

Descent of a Woman
So I'm sure you've seen by now that Neil Marshall's utterly fabulous horror thriller The Descent washes upon US shores this Friday, a little worse for the wear (thanks to an ill-conceived ending change by Lionsgate) but still easily the best horror movie of the past several years. I posted a review of the original British cut earlier this year, and I've amended the review slightly to reflect my views on the US edit (still without giving too much away, since I love you kids and want you to lead happy, satisfying lives as filmgoers).

I cannot urge you enough to check this puppy out when it hits theatres on Friday -- let's show the studios that we care about quality and throw some cash at a horror movie that actually deserves it! I've seen the thing about a dozen times now, and I'll be there to catch it with a crowd this weekend.


Time to get together, ladies.

 

NEWS 8/1

Rumors of the Apocalypse are Pretty Much, Like, Spot-On
I don't know if you live near New York City or have any concern for it whatsoever as an entity or historical landmark or what, but in case you hadn't heard: THE WORLD IS ENDING.

Yes, today we clocked in at a record 7,3748,48,394 degrees Kelvin and tomorrow's gonna be even worse. I can hardly be expected to churn out the Grade-A shit that I post on these pages in this kind of heat, can I? I mean, if the end is nigh I've got lots of more important things to do, like fill all those old Vicodin scrips I have lying around. Did I say I? I meant my invalid landlord. Did I say invalid? I meant stupid. And exceedingly easy to stuff into a golf bag.

Anyway, I promise to have some topical garbage for you in the next day or two. But right now I really have to concentrate on keeping my melted skin from puddling around my feet.

Stay cool, bitches!


 

NEWS 7/28

The Touchables?
The full trailer for Brian DePalma's long-anticipated noir thriller The Black Dahlia is up, and while I'm sure it will be the kind of slick, stylized, and yet entirely antiseptic romp that we've come to expect from him over the past few years, I admit I was hoping against hope for something a little grittier. What we have here kind of looks like Dick Tracy without... well... Dick Tracy. Was I wrong to expect something closer to Dressed to Kill than The Untouchables? It always amazes me how most period studio films imagine the depression as an era where not a hair was out of place. That shit should be filthy! Yeah, I get the "old Hollywood glamour" bit, but let's face it: these were days when A-listers were raping starlets with beer bottles and passing around the clap like a communion plate. The odd shots of B&W S&M are as thrilling as the random images from Madonna's Erotica video -- and we all know how exciting that is. Yawn. Still, Femme Fatale looked like poop warmed up from its trailer, too -- and it was actually a brainless good time. I'll keep my hopes up on this one.

Check out the trailer over HERE!


She's breathless... with emphysema!
(Scarlett Johansson in The Black Dahlia)

The Knee Jerk: July 28
Yes, Virginia -- there are genres besides horror!

13 (Tzameti)
A compact, airless little thriller from economically volatile Georgia, 13 (Tzameti) is sort of like the curiosity you'd have if minimalist indie auteur Jim Jarmusch had directed the flesh-trade horror film Hostel. While the low-fi verite style and neutral alignment of "Tzameti" hearkens back to Jarmusch's "Stranger than Paradise" and his influences in the French New Wave, the film's underlying fatalism and sense of socioeconomic ruthlessness feel entirely alien to the form. Whereas in the fifties and sixties, filmmakers found a sense of liberation in the post-war messiness of Western Europe, Georgian filmmaker Gela Babluani surveys the conditions in his own country and finds only corruption, violence, and the crumbling of traditional values and work ethic. And by tightly wrapping this view in an intense and shockingly brutal morality play, Babluani manages to sidestep melodrama and go straight for the soft spots. The result, fittingly enough, is like a bullet right behind the ear. The second half of the film, in which we endure a grueling, brutal Russian roulette tournament, is presented in the same stark, matter-of-fact style as earlier sequences of the lead young man fixing roof tiles or loading his ladders onto a cart. As disgusting and illegal as it may be, this game is a place where men can make money - and that's an unblinking fact of life. Much as Sebastien spent the earlier half of the film working for rich men who cared little for his well-being, here he plays a pawn in a sadistic parlor game, where each gambling man provides a contestant, upon whom he and he alone can bet. The contestants are lined up in a circle, given a gun and one bullet, and told to put the muzzle against the back of the head of the man in front of them. When the light goes on, they pull the trigger. This underground carnival of money, booze, drugs (they inject the contestants with morphine if they get skittish), and blood is truly twisted - even more so in that director Babluani doesn't resort to any cameraplay or tricks to emphasize the surreal nature of the situation. This is old-fashioned, calculated suspense that would have done Hitchcock or young Polanski proud, and it's this nostalgic return to clean, measured storytelling that allows Tzameti to hit you in the gut like a sack of bricks.

Another Gay Movie
Considering that I find most gay movies to be horrendous, I guess they got that right. Cheap, pornographic, tasteless, boring, and staggeringly unfunny, this is the kind of "outrageous" movie that gives "outrageous" movies a bad name. Name a cliché, they exploit it. Name the easiest and most mindless ways to "gay up" straight teen sex comedy conventions, they do it. I know that this was supposed to be "the teen comedy that gay people always wanted but never had", but that's horseshit. This is straight-up porn, and even the raunchiest of the 80's comedies (or even recent flicks like the American Pie films) didn't dip to the depths of sleaze that this pulls. You know, if you wanna make a beat-off movie, go for it! Be proud to be a pornographer! Don't try to pass it off as a comedy when it's not even remotely funny (seriously, it's a groan from start to finish) and it's painfully clear that the project is no more than a chance to ogle the tender bits of its pretty young cast. The parade of G-list cameos is nauseating (and would be even if Richard Hatch kept his clothes ON) and further reminder of just how far we have to go in terms of gay cinema to distinguish ourselves from a bunch of vapid, cackling pop-culture deep-throaters. This is the Perez Hilton of film.

Who Wants to Be a Superloser?
I'm probably the only fag in America who watched the premiere of the woefully uninteresting Who Wants to Be a Superhero, but I'll admit -- I was curious about the lone openly gay contestant, Levity. Plus, any chance to ogle men in spandex is fair game, really.

Well, at least I don't have to feel like I'm letting down my gay brethren by not watching the rest of this D.O.A. series -- the gay character didn't even make it to the first challenge. No, he was eliminated within the first 15 minutes for daring to admit, in confidence to another player, that he might be on the show for some kind of personal gain (to perhaps one day be an action figure, which he happens to make and sell in his toystore). Right. And everyone else on the show is actually there to try and save babies from burning buildings. I say it's lame double-talk, but honestly he's probably better off to be out of the "lair" and back with his boyfriend.


Hasta la Vista, baby.
(Tobias Trost as Levity)

Skully Jumps the Shark
Sorry, buddy. Looks like your freshness date just expired.


Sorry, dewd.

 

NEWS 7/25

Reading the Entrails...

From Ghost Rider to Moustache Rider (t/y Dashiel)

Stripped to Kill?

Alex Trebec is... Canadian?

Malan Breton: The Loserist Vampire
Since almost a full week has passed, I think it's safe to discuss last week's Project Runway without being shrieked at for ruining the only moment of true pleasure that many of you might enjoy on a regular basis. Oddly-accented and impeccably-coiffed Malan Breton of Long Island City was sadly removed from the lineup -- sadly not because he was a particularly good designer (although he wasn't bad), sadly because he was easily the most fascinating character on the show.

Much well-deserved attention has been paid to Malan's posture, appearance, and speaking voice, which honestly got more attention than his clothes. While some have remarked that he looks like Brian Ferry, Tim Curry, or the like, I stand by my claim that Malan was emulating the bravura performance of likewise gay-seeming and hilariously intense Richard E. Grant as an evil undead overlord in the groundbreaking family classic The Little Vampire.

Just tell me I'm wrong.



Malan exits the Runway with style and grace.

 

NEWS 7/24

Chuckie: ComicCon or Bust
As in past years, CampBlood "Special" Correspondent Chuckie was at ComicCon in San Diego to check out what the upcoming months might have to offer us in terms of genre entertainment. Unfortunately (for us), he was also there for professional reasons, so he was too busy to work up the wonderful reports that he provided in past years. Frowny-face.

But he did send the picture at the right, which shows The Descent director Neil Marshall signing autographs. Considering the film is about cave-diving, I suppose we can't fault the promotional department at Lion's Gate for taking things a bit literally by goal-posting Marshall with two pairs of no doubt surgically-enhanced "cliffs".

Anyway, The Descent opens next weekend, and it's pretty much the most exciting thing to happen in horror in years. Do check out my spoiler-sensitive review for more info.

(PS - don't get too geeked about the poster for Bug behind the rock formation on the left. It's not a remake of the flaming cockroach movie from the 70s, and it's more a drama than horror, despite the Saw-inspired body terror poster.)


 

NEWS 7/22

The Knee Jerk: July 22
In which I stick my neck out for a filmmaker who I think is kind of an egomaniac and a hack but whose ultimate intentions I think make up for his enthusiastic clumsiness.

Lady in the Water
One of the strangest major releases I've ever seen, M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water is a genre-defying, form-snubbing plunge into the overly sentimental, proudly nonsensical world of bedtime stories. A tale that unfolds with the tenuous logic of a sugar-addled 5-year-old and an utter disregard for pacing, character development, and tonal consistency, this is the kind of film that demands that you leave your cynicism at the door and listen to the story with the eyes and ears of a child. And if you are willing to do this, the film can be a very rewarding experience. But given that we live in a world today where the most-anticipated movie of the summer was literally reshot to incorporate the contributions of snarky fanboys who want to hear Samuel L. Jackson say "motherfucking" as many times as possible, I don't quite think that this tale is going to find many listeners. In the end, Shyamalan is a deeply sensitive filmmaker who tells stories about people overcoming odds, coming together, and opening up to each other and to the universe. And you know what? I think we need more storytellers like him. He may be biting off of Steven Spielberg left and right (and he may have a ways to go before he matches Spielberg's best), but honestly, why not shoot for the stars? Shyamalan's films inspire a sense of hushed wonder and have enough humor and humanity to lead to enormously satisfying emotional experiences, if you choose to allow them to. Given that he has been shoehorned into being a genre director (which only a few of his films actually are, if you think about it), most audiences have come to expect pat, clever thrillers (The Six Sense, Signs), when his true strength is telling stories about the nicked but resilient human condition (the brilliant Unbreakable, the woefully mismarketed The Village). While I can imagine that most filmgoers won't be entirely willing to comply with Shyamalan's urgings to leave their savvy adult selves at the door and give Lady a listen without prejudice (and although Lady is far from perfect), I do think it's worth a try. If he's willing to wear his heart on his sleeve in front of millions of cinemagoers by telling this unabashedly sentimental tale, we can certainly do the same by simply listening in the safety of a dark theatre.

Reading the Entrails...

Girl, you need pussy control.

"Overall, a third of the male fish were between the sexes... more than 80 per cent had female characteristics". Sounds like my neighborhood.


Suck it!

 

NEWS 7/20

Kathy Griffin is a Bloody Lesbian!
Well, at least, she was, in the 1991 pussy-horror classic The Unborn. I noticed that Kath-Kath was having a somewhat complicated time with her Gays as of late (what with the accusations of diva-like demands for performing at a gay bar), not to mention her husband (who stole like seven gajillion dollars from her) and Larry King (who apparently farts uncontrollably on-set), so I thought I'd throw a wrench into the gossip machine and provide some much-needed homo horror perspective on the situation. Let's not forget that Kathy's very first film role was as a hippy-dippy lesbian who gets beaten to death by her pregnant girlfriend in this Roger Corman classic -- and more importantly, she did it all with her old face. That's enough to drive any woman mad!

For a collection of delicious shots from the flick (which everyone seems to have forgotten) and some of my nonsensical ramblings, head on over to fabulous women's horror site Pretty-Scary.net, where I write the Queer Fear column.

Enjoy, bitches!


Whatever Happened to Sarah Jessica Parker's Old Face?
Oh -- never mind.

 

NEWS 7/19

MOTW Madness!
There are Movies of the Week in the air, kittles.

First, the simply horrendous Spring Break Shark Attack actually gets a DVD release a few weeks back, to a chorus of reverberative silence. What a dog. Then, small-screen queen Amanda By Night sends us over some delicious recaps of a few more classic MOTWs, Revenge and A Vacation in Hell. Did you know that we've got reviews of almost 50 MOTWs over on the Movies of the Weak page, with handy topical cross-referencing? Seriously -- this shit puts that Dewey guy to shame.

And as if that weren't amazing enough, beloved reader TommyRoss sends me this amazing nugget of info, gleaned from the IMDB: some fucking lunatic has mounted a TV remake of the 1978 MOTW classic, The Initiation of Sarah. Seriously. And yes, Ice Ferret Morgan Fairchild has apparently been tapped to play a role -- let's hope she ends up in the campus fountain again!

From the looks of it, Summer Glau (from Serenity) might be our new Sarah, and there are supporting performances by Jennifer Tilly, Tessa Thompson (Veronica Mars) and Joanna Garcia (Reba). How TV-fabulous! The flick is due to air in October, just in time for Halloween. How fucking awesome is that?!


From Pink to stink.

 

NEWS 7/17

Wanted: Undead or Alive
The delicious folks over at Worth 1000 have posted their latest Zombiewood Photoshop contest, which challenges contestants to make the undead out of our biggest music stars. But really, when you consider that The Rolling Stones and Madonna are still touring, there's a hell of a lot of low-hanging fruit to be had. Nonetheless, this is one of my absolute favorite contests and you should totally check it out.

Hey -- why is it that Pink is so ripe for Zombification? People just love to see her rotting.


From Pink to stink.

Reading the Entrails...

Bear Country: finally, greeting cards for the boys down at the Eagle!

The Kitten Has Two Faces.

I got my cake.


Waiter? Check, please. I'm going to hell now.

 

NEWS 7/13

Play Alan Rowe for Me
Filmmaker, actor, and gloriously batshit provocateur Alan Rowe Kelly (did I mention "sweetheart"?) will be on Sirius Radio Channel 102 this Friday at Midnight (EDT) along with fellow insaniacs Debbie Rochon and host Dee Snider (yes, THAT Dee Snider) to judge a Scream Queen contest for Fangoria Radio. I actually wasn't aware that Fangoria had a radio show, or that it was possible to have an audio-only scream queen contest -- but if Howard Stern can make a bazillion dollars from the sounds of naked porn stars spanking one another with lunch meat, I guess anything is, indeed, possible.

For more info, check out the show's webpage! And tune in to support these hot bitches! It's not like you have anything else to do on a Friday night. No seriously, honey -- don't even try. We know.


Makes radio look good
(Alan Rowe Kelly)

Murder on Zidane's Floor
I don't know if you got caught up in all that "World Cups" bullshit, but contrary to popular belief, it wasn't a total waste of time. For one, footballers have an odd tendency to take their clothes off at any given opportunity (be it on the field, in calendars, you name it), which is always celebrated in these parts. And for another, the big final match between the guys in the little blue shorts and the guys in the sassy white numbers yielded one of the most hilarious and well-documented bitchslaps in the history of world sports. Well okay, it wasn't a bitchslap, it was a head-butt -- but if there are two things that we love around here, it's heads and butts, so we send a hearty "Huzzah!" out to achingly poor sportsman Zinadine Zidane (what, did his parents stutter?) for the Headbutt Heard Round the World.

And of course, every world event that's captured on video will have a second career as a viral video curiosity as soon as someone gets their mitts on the footage and does something retarded with it. Luckily, in this case the video pranksterism is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Head on over to the Register's website to see an explanation of the clip at the right and several more. Funny shit, yo. (t/y Dashiel)


But he better not kill the groove...

The Knee Jerk: July 14
Giblets of critical truth plucked from the warm, fleshy inner chambers of this week's non-horror releases.

You, Me, and Dupree
This movie is a piece of crap, full stop. I wasted two hours watching the stupid thing (it must be in Owen Wilson's contract that all of his wretched would-be comedies be over 100 minutes, God knows why), and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste any more time writing about it. Loaded with just about every imaginable cliché and lacking even a cursory plot to keep things moving, this achingly overlong assortment of tired gags and poorly-staged physical comedy is just about as bad as it gets. Unless you don't have air conditioning, live above a Chinese restaurant, and are suffering from a 107-degree fever, or perhaps are being chased by murderous thugs who are afraid of the dark, I can't think of a single reason to sit through this mess. It's summer, and you hopefully have far better things to do, like lie around and complain.

Oh in Ohio
I really wanted to like this movie -- and while it's not a disaster, it's a missed opportunity. I will give the filmmakers credit for making sexual frankness seem utterly non-threatening (and for putting all sorts of horrifying vaginal terms in the mouth of Liza Minnelli), but in the end the movie itself feels like it's been neutered. Perker Posey does her typical cracking-at-the-edges neurotic routine, but here it's tempered with a vulnerability that is enormously disarming and quite sweet -- it's really the best thing I've seen her do in years. The rest of the cast is serviceable (Paul Rudd is expectedly smarmy and Danny Devito is as lovable as ever as an real romantic lead), and Mischa Barton does a shockingly good job of appearing likeable and intelligent as a rather bewitching high school student who seduces Rudd. The whole "uptight boring woman goes on a diddling odyssey" routine had similarly mixed results (although for different reasons) in John Waters' A Dirty Shame -- maybe this subject matter is just, well... booby-trapped? Overall, this comedy is too reserved to elicit big laughs and too light to really dig into the frigidity issue -- too much Ohio, not enough "Oh!".

 

NEWS 7/12

Homo Horror Festival Invasion!!!
As festival season chugs along, some of the LGBT fests are boasting some promising-looking flicks for the genre-loving homo filmgoer. Here are a few to whet your whistles (links to the various film fests are at the bottom)...

Creatures from the Pink Lagoon
An homage to campy drive-in sci-fi flicks of the 50's and gay melodramas, Creatures from the Pink Lagoon looks like a frothy blend of The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra and the hilarious Escape from Fire Island "Choose Your Own Adventure" spoof that came out a few years back. Stuffed with beloved archetypes, retro fashions, and no doubt hilariously (and intentionally) bad effects and acting (if they're keeping true to form, that is), this one looks to be a nostalgic romp worth giving a gander. Creatures screens at the upcoming Philadelphia International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and the North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, among others. Check out the flick's official site HERE.

Dead Serious
Vampires! Christians! Terrorists! Broadway dancers! Just another night in Brooklyn, really. Beloved genre legend Felissa Rose (Sleepaway Camp) heads an energetic and occasionally quite yummy cast in this bloody, clever satire on contemporary media and relationships. As a gay mercenary, Brian Gianci is the stuff of my wildest dreams -- rawr! Genre up-and-comer Alan Rowe Kelly makes an appearance as well -- and the effects and gunplay are top-notch for an indie. For more info, check out my set visit, review, or the film's official site. Dead Serious screens at the Philly Fest soon!

Flirting with Anthony
Writer-director Christian Calson, whose Shiner was one of the more audacious and assured gay films I've seen in years, returns with another hyper-violent thrillride -- but this one's got Judy Tenuta! Flirting with Anthony is one part horror film, one part road pic, one part romance -- although knowing Calson's wicked sense of humor, even these genres will be twisted beyond all recognition in the end. Anthony screens at the Philly Fest this weekend and has a website with more info.

Fraternity Massacre at Hell Island
This send-up of B-movies (popular idea, eh?) skewers the fraternity hazing horror flick, playing with the ridiculous homo undertones that saturate fraternities in general. And killer clowns -- there are those, too. Not too much available on this one yet, but it boasts nudity, language, and violence, which are basically my three food groups. Well, actually, the nudity is brief and the violence isn't very graphic -- despite having a high body count, this Massacre is much more a comedy than a slasher flick, from what I've read. But come on -- one of the actor's names is John Pickle! Having played only locally in Memphis, Massacre has its festival world premiere at the North Carolina GL Film Fest.

In the Blood
I caught this supernatural campus thriller at NewFest and was really impressed by just about everything -- the acting, the script, the direction, even the score. Cassidy's been having visions and nosebleeds and lusting after anything with a nice set of arms, his sister is nervous about a spate of on-campus killings, and there's a creepy woman following them both. Will Cassidy figure out the identity of the killer, come out to his friends and family, and make it with the hot Latino hustler before it's too late for everyone? Definitely check out In the Blood at OutFest this weekend to find out -- in the meantime, check out my full (and spoiler-free) review.

Opencam
A murder-mystery-thriller-type-thingie (please, just don't let it be another Hard), Opencam follows a "hunky young artist" who discovers that his online hookups have been getting whacked on their webcams, and of course is forced to go "undercover" to help trap the killer. Move over, Ashley Judd! The "dehumanizing effect of the internet" thing could be quite fertile -- especially since few straight internet films have dared to delve into the pornier side of the ether (the befuddling DEMONLOVER is the only one I can think of). Opencam screens at the Philly Fest and OutFest and has an official site.

Scab
A long-overdue all-out queer vampire movie, Scab combines hot fellas, sorority girls, a Las Vegas road trip, and an inconvenient bite in the neck to create a bloody mess (let's just hope that the film itself isn't a bloody mess as well). I kinda love the name and am always up for a gross-out, and this one promises buckets of red stuff and something about mice and milkshakes. Interesting... At any rate, Scab plays at the Philly Fest and you can read more about it (and see some bloody pics) on the official site.

The Philly Fest is also screening oldies-but-trashies Barbarella, The Apple (one of my faves) and The Bad Seed, and the North Carolina Fest boasts a performance by Margaret Cho and a special appearance by Tab Hunter for a Lust in the Dust screening. So come on, people! Get your asses to these fests and pitch camp! Like, literally!

North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival
Philadelphia Gay and Lesbian Film Festival
OutFest


Flirting with Anthony

 


Opencam

 


Scab

X-Men: The Last Standing Ovation
Someone has finally realized the fan-fic wet dreams of millions of sissy nerdlingers: Wolverine and Peter Allen as one!

X-Men: The Last Standing Ovation

 

NEWS 7/11

She's Going to Break Your Heart in Twooo...
...it's true.

I just received a note from a darling fella named Matt letting me know that the Carolina Theatre of Durham has put together what is possibly the most beautiful film series ever conceived. It's called the Femme Fatale Film Series and it celebrates some of the greatest and most beloved ladies of our genre. And I'm not just talking your dollar-bin Scream Queens here, folks -- we're talking the big ones. The Bentleys. The Final Alpha Bitches.

Folks, we're talking Dee Wallace herself, in person, hosting a screening of Cujo (for a Scream Queen double-dip, Danny Pintauro should join!). We're talking the white-hot Nancy Allen hosting Dressed to Kill (Oh. My. God.). We're talking the one and only Adrienne Barbeau hosting The Fog, and none other than Jessica Effing Omigodbitemethiscan'tbetrue Harper hosting a screening of the one and only Suspiria.

It's enough to make a man wet his 2Xists.

Now, while I think the name of the series itself may be a bit misleading (aside from Nancy's hooker-with-a-heart-of-an-equities-trader, these characters weren't femme fatales, in the traditional sense), this lineup is just too fabulous for words. I am even considering traveling to Durham myself, once I figure out where the hell North Carolina is -- I'm assuming it's north of South Carolina, but I hedge my bets. As the screenings are over 4 consecutive weeks in September and October, I'd have to either choose carefully which screening I would attend, or just live in a dumpster for a month. But hell, I've lived in New York for years, and a dumpster in North Carolina can't be any smaller than a Manhattan apartment. And they probably allow pets.

Anyway, for more info on the delightful Femme Fatales Film Series, head on over to the Carolina Theatre's website. And head on down to Durham, right? I'll be the one in the back row during Dressed to Kill wagging an Isotoner glove teasingly at passersby. Thanks to Matt for the tip, and best of luck with the series!!


There's a stranger in the manger...
(Carolina Theatre of Durham's Femme Fatales lineup, plus a ringer)

 

NEWS 7/8

Man Bites Blog
Seeing as how this whole "blog" thing is really taking off (uh, like 3 years ago) and the "Internet" seems to be sticking around for awhile, I'm introducing a somewhat regular blog review, Man Bites Blog. I've linked to blogs in the past (Groovy Age of Horror, FourFour, Zombie Fights Shark!, Nilblog, Screamstress), and this will allow me to keep them neat and tidy and offer some regular linkage. If you have a blog or know of a blog that the horror-lovin' queers might like, drop me a line (and remember, emails with nude pictures get read first).

For today, I've got 2 nifty blogs to point out. Do enjoy, but don't forget that I will always be your best girl. I won't be ignored!!

Final Girl Blog
For the Final Girl in all of us, there's a wonderful not-so-new blog that I can't believe has evaded my prying eyes up until now (thanks to the luminous Amanda by Night for the tipoff): Final Girl Blog. This chick's really funny and has exquisite taste, listing Visiting Hours and April Fool's Day amongst her faves. Suffice to say, she'll be living out the rest of her days in a coarsely-constructed bamboo cage in my parlor once I get a hold of her. Loves it.

Satan's School for Girls
And for the Made for TV Movie-lover in all of us (I know I just ate one yesterday -- and boy, was he tasty!), there's a super-funsy blog called Satan's School for Girls (appropriately enough) that's ramping up with lots of gems. I of course have a weakness for these little chestnuts myself (check out my and Amanda by Night's reviews over on the Movies of the Weak page), and there's always plenty of room for more sassy TVM critics/worshippers.

So get surfin', sponges! This sh*t ain't gettin' any fresher, you know.

 


No, that's not a euphamism.

 

NEWS 7/5

Reading the Entrails...

This is one step away from "Overzealous Fans Recreate Madonna Video on Area Man's Lawn". Careful, officers -- you're almost concerned.

If you are what you eat, is this Slovak now a British citizen?

Wow. Just.... wow.

 


One, two, Humbert's coming for you...

 

NEWS 7/4

Swag Alert! Humbert's Revenge!
Hey, kids. Hope you made it through the holiday with a minimum of powder-burns and blown-off digits. Actually, I take that back -- this country was built on bloodshed, right?

Anyway, we're THRILLED to be rolling out a new series of exclusive CampBlood.org swag products just in time for the height of summer. As devised by the demented mind of frequent contributor Andy Swist, the new graphic basically sums up everything this joint is all about: horror, camp, decontextualized references, rainbows, butterflies, and Buzz's cat Humbert Humbert. See how beautiful synergy can be?

The new Humbert's Revenge graphic can be found on t-shirts, mousepads, and more -- including a limited-time-only Cheap-Ass Humbert's Revenge Tee, which is so reasonable it hurts (only $10.49!). If you're a fan of the site or just a fan of Trapper Keepers circa 1983, do head on over to the Swag Shop and order a dozen or two.

Humbert would want it that way. And you wouldn't want to make him angry.


Meet the man of your dreams.

 

NEWS 6/30

Cousteau-away
Okay, so anyone who actually sat through CBS's abysmal Shark: Mind of a Demon knows that the show was nothing more than an hour-long nepotistic ego-fluff for third-generation whale-lover Fabien Cousteau, whose grandfather Jacques was a batty Gallic mainstay of basic-cable excitement back in the seventies. Fabien, with the help of his sister and some actual professionals, built a one-man submarine that looks and moves like a real great white shark in order to study them more closely and get a primetime television special without having to really do anything. And it worked, and it was stupid. But if any pampered descendents of great explorers are to be given an hour-long vehicle to show off, I guess it may as well be Fabien, simply because he's cute and kinda gay.

Everything about this special was counterfeit, from the conceit (they apparently wanted to challenge popular idea that sharks are evil, by having a special called "Shark: Mind of a Demon". Uh, okay...) to the execution (the sharks in question hardly have any screen time, as most attention is given to bickering crewmembers and failing equipment) to the fact that nobody actually knows or cares who this guy is in the first place. And the fact that a press release was issued prior to the special saying that it included footage of Cousteau being "attacked by a shark" is just shameless -- the most dramatic thing that happens is that the shark sub sinks about 4 times. The shit that ended up on the cutting room floor when Jaws was filmed is now the stuff of a primetime event? Whatever. If you slapped a moustache on Fabien it would basically be the Al Capone's Vault of 2006.

But back to the gayish thing -- thoughts? Note the foppish hair, the fine features, and the overall gentle demeanor. And honestly, would a straight man name a submarine "Troy"?


Despite making a shitty special, he could plumb my murky depths anytime
(Fabien Cousteau)

The Knee Jerk: June 30
We here at CampBlood aren't just interested in passing unqualified judgments on horror films, you know. Nosiree - sometimes we blather on about other movies, too!

Strangers with Candy
In light of the fact that I'm a downright rabid fan of the show, the long-awaited feature film adaptation of Strangers with Candy (which serves as something of a prequel) is tough to review impartially. Amy Sedaris, Paul Dinello, Steven Colbert, and their plucky supporting cast of freakish role models and disposable teens could basically read old issues of National Geographic in character and I'd be satisfied. Which is pretty much what they do here. Forced to re-establish characters and relationships for the non-fan audience, and working more around a myriad of celebrity cameos than with an actual plot, Strangers is a half-realized half-success - which for a fan like me is completely adequate but may leave casual audiences confused or disappointed. The first 45 minutes is inspired, raucous hilarity filled with zippy one-liners, moments of intense discomfort, and brilliant sight gags (the "running of the bulls" is fucking awesome). And then everything just sort of stops - everything, that is, but the movie, which drags on lifelessly for another hour or so, recycling setups and churning through increasingly disposable cameos (Todd Oldham? Really?) as it pulls its battered carcass across the finish line. One can't help but notice that the film's high time lasts just a little longer than an episode of the show; it's obvious that this particular brand of nonsense really just works better in small doses, or that making it feature-worthy would have taken quite a bit more effort than was put into this. Trust me - and this is coming from someone who lives for these characters - you'll practically beg for it to be over. Still worth seeing for some choice Jerri moments, but a disappointment overall.

 

NEWS 6/28

Buzz Geeks Out Over Spiderman 3
I'm sure you've all seen the new teaser trailer for Spiderman 3 about a gajillion times already, but I just had to post it here because I totally geeked out over it, like, ALL DAY. Kids, THIS is a superhero movie. I got more enjoyment out of a 2-minute preview than I got out of all of Superman Returns -- seriously. Although, to be fair, Supe isn't a terrible movie, it's just a bit boring -- but then again, it's a hidden identity story predicated on the fact that a guy can go completely unrecognized with only a pair of glasses, so we're not in very sophisticated territory here. In fact, the whole time I was watching the movie I kept thinking of the Chicken Boo skits from Animaniacs.

Anyway, if you've got an appetite for something a little jucier, check out the dark, delicious Spidey 3 trailer here. I love that they've got enough footage in the bag to build such a clip-heavy trailer, and I love even more that it starts with the words "How Long..." (a vital question - right, kids?). Kudos to Marvel for stealing D.C.'s thunder on the eve of their Biggest! Comeback! Ever!, and kudos to Sam Raimi for continually pulling yo-yo dieter Tobey Maguire back from the brink of Marshmallow Mandom.


Clark Kent looks toward the dawn for answers
(Chicken Boo)

The Hot Rock Sadly Cools
And then there's the bad news. I'm really bummed to report that one of my favorite bands, rockin' chick 3-piece Sleater-Kinney, has announced that they've broken up after 11 years as one of the most consistent and exciting indie bands out there. I've seen the girls (who are one-third queer) countless times -- including at their amazing New Year's Eve show in Madison Square Garden with the Flaming Lips and Wilco 2 years back -- and every time they are fresh, vital, and selfless. Their last record, The Woods, was hailed as one of the best albums of the year by countless pubs and was arguably their most mature and complex work to date -- so I guess they're at least ending it on a high note.

There are a few shows left on what will now be their final tour, so be sure to check them out if they come to your 'hood. We'll miss you, ladies!

Check out BrooklynVegan for more info and tour dates (t/y Dashiel for the heads-up).


Sleater-Kinney

Reading the Entrails...

If you thought teaching an old dog new tricks was hard, try this guy!

I've heard of Trannyshack, but Trannymuggers?

When Animatronic French Jabberjaws Attack (t/y TommyRoss)


Sorry, but payback's a bitch.

Tired of dating men with two left feet?


Back to suckle on the horrors of the real world...

 

NEWS 6/27

Aaron Spelling's Screen Goes Dark
On Friday night Aaron Spelling, likely the most prolific producer in the history of US television, died in his home at the age of 83. Sure, we all know Spelling from bringing us guilty camp pleasures like Melrose Place, Charlie's Angels, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and Tori -- but many people may not realize what a huge contribution he made to the Movie of the Week juggernaut.

Spelling is responsible for bringing us Satan's School for Girls, Five Desperate Women, Velvet (the one about the she-spies who masquerade as aerobics instructors), Making of a Male Model (starring the late, gorgeous Jon-Erik Hexum), Don't Go to Sleep, Cruise into Terror, Death at Love House, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, Death Cruise, Home for the Holidays, The House That Would Not Die, How Awful About Allan, A Taste of Evil, and Crowhaven Farm,to name a few-- not to mention the landmark AIDS docudrama And the Band Played On and the classic bitchfest movie Soapdish.

We here at CampBlood urge everyone do dig up a tattered VHS copy of one of these great old flicks and watch it in Aaron's honor. It certainly beats watching 90210 reruns...


Aaron Spelling

 

NEWS 6/26

O, Pioneer! Nowhere Man
So the Carrie screening at the Two Boots Pioneer Theater on Saturday night was a blast -- no surprise, but literally half the audience were sissies looking to get their "Plug it up!" on. I love you kids. Brooke Shield's mom was also in the audience, which was delightful, and although she didn't get any of the CampBlood swag that was doled out I'm sure she had a delightful time enjoying the pristine 35mm print of the film and fending off people screaming "I loved your daughter in Alice Sweet Alice! Cause you know, who doesn't?

Anyway, the brilliant screwballs at the theatre continue their Mindfuck! sex and psychology series with the defiantly weird Nowhere Man, a film about a man trying to retrieve his dismembered penis from his wife. Starring Debbie Rochon and featuring cameos from Troma's Lloyd Kaufman and some porn actors (you have to see it to understand why), Man pretty much defies categorization entirely. It's funny, completely straight-faced, and goofy as all get-out. It was also written and directed by Tim McCann, whose gritty Desolation Angels was one of the most startling indie flicks I've ever seen -- and although the subject matter here is considerably lighter, his sure hand is still at work. And as the penis-challenged lead, Michael Rodrick is hot enough to melt butter just by looking at it. Seriously.

Nowhere Man screens tonite at 7pm as a part of the Bizarro Monday series -- and Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman will be there in person! For more info and tix, check out the Pioneer's website.


It's all fun and games until someone loses his trousersnake
(Nowhere Man's Michael Rodrick)

The Knee Jerk: July 28
Damn these studio suits!
Screwing up my Knee Jerk schedule by releaseing movies on Tuesday nights and bullshit -- whatever happened to good old Friday night premieres? Anyway, here's my thoughts on the only megarelease coming out in the next 48 hours.

Superman Returns
Despite (or perhaps due to) the fact that most of my summer-thrill eggs were loaded into Superman’s indestructible basket, I’m sad to report that Bryan Singer’s noble yet ultimately rather dull Superman Returns was a bit of a disappointment. While it’s certainly above the standards of typical summer action flicks, it’s not an unqualified success by any means. Superman is back, and he’s as bland as ever. The lack of a driving narrative other than the timid romance (which is also 3-films-old by this point, and should hardly be timid) is what ultimately takes the wind out of Superman’s cape. Sure, this kind of mating dance is perfectly fine in a romantic comedy (and don’t think me a cynic or an action junkie – the scene where Superman and Lois literally dance on air is one of the best moments of the movie), and even as an acceptable subplot of a superhero film; but when it’s put front and center the hero story loses its urgency and the movie loses its shape. I honestly found myself a little bored – there is nothing here that wasn’t entirely expected, and the result is a beautifully-shot, impressively scored (the classic themes are used to their best effect), and competently-acted romance about a dorky alien who saves the world as an afterthought. I know that comparing squeaky-clean world-saving Midwestern alien goody-goody Clark Kent to tormented billionaire badboy Bruce Wayne is like comparing apples and oranges, but if you’re looking for a Superman movie that takes the characters to the next level and makes a tremendous emotional and visual impact (as Batman Begins did), then you’ll be disappointed with the safe, by-the-book Superman Returns. These days a new superhero movie is released every month, it seems – each more technically advanced than the next. Emulating the simplicity and romantic idealism of the original film might not have been the best tactic, given how much the genre has changed in 30 years. In the end, the Caped Crusader’s return is worth seeing, certainly, but it’s not the explosive kickoff to a new series that I was hoping for.

 

NEWS 6/21

Show Us (on) Your Tits!
Just in time for Pride (hell, it’s always Pride somewhere), we’re thrilled to roll out the first of a new line of shirts designed by the lovely and charming Andy Swist, whose illustrations have graced these pages many times in the past (check out the delicious CampBlood Valentines or the white-hot Slumber Party Massacre poster he drew for us).

This enticing little number comes in black and it features a sexy hot-pink mouth and the phrase “Strange Taste”, which I believe applies to all of us here, in different degrees of literality (I taste just like chicken, for the record). There’s also a bumper sticker with the same design – show your neighbors just what kind of freakass you are by slapping one of these on your chassie! Or your car!

There will be more new designs hitting the Swag Hut in the coming weeks – which means that some of our existing designs will be going bye-bye. So buy one of each now! Seriously – this bandwidth shit don’t pay for itself, yaknow!


Open wide, bitches!

The Search String Report on Satan’s Claw

Every month or so I dig through the stats report of this here website and spend a few extra minutes on my favorite section: the search string report. Any time a curious Internet surfer types something into a search engine and it brings them here, I get to know what it is. And kids, you wouldn’t believe some of the crazy, sick, and just plain stupid shit that people are looking for online. Here are some of my recent faves

bijou phillips is a nasty whore
But you forgot "who can't act"...

drop dead gorges
Hey – someone got my joke! Unless they’re from Ithica. In which case, I’m sorry for your loss.

stanley coopersmith
Cooperdick!!!!!

unfamous siblings
Frank Stallone, this is your time to shine.

magic baloney
Funny – that was my nickname in college!

pimp actor who was in love is a battlefield video
Ooh! Ooh! Billy Zane!

omen sandwich
See – there IS something going on here!

funny abortions
As if there were any other kind? Guaranteed guffaws!!

green pudding
It just doesn’t stop, people.

what happens at the end of house of wax
If you’re lucky, someone wakes you up with a messy popcorn handjob. Otherwise I can’t remember.

lauren fucking her sister
Wait – was that in the European version? I just remember Lauren Tewes forcing her blind sister to make coffee and letting her read Braille with the light on (oh come on, it’s a waste of electricity!). I don’t remember any fucking.

has anyone used the bunion regulator
Aah!

watch evil laugh
Actually, don’t.

coach ripped off my cum soaked teen jockstrap
Was that part in the deleted scenes? I must have missed it.

hulk hogan halloween costume
Yaaaaay!

hot amish women
Since there’s not much chance they’ll read this: THERE AREN’T ANY! Oh, I keed – read this.

murder by phone tomatoes
This one even led me to review my own editorial to confirm that no, I did NOT mention tomatoes in my review of Murder By Phone or in my video mash-up of one of its hottest scenes. I honestly don’t know where these people come up with this shit.

terrible horror movies involving engines
That’s spelled wrong, dear – and besides, they prefer to be called Indigenous Persons of North America. Ever seen The Manitou?

girl like big cock in pucci
I… don’t even know where to start with that one.

shawn ashmore diarrhea
Eeew!

kiki groundhog anus
Kiki from Kiki and Herb has likely referred to someone as a groundhog anus – or even referred to her own anus as a groundhog – but I certainly wasn’t privy to it.

tension reliever chain saw blow torch
I find that a rubber hose works just as well, and it doesn’t leave any marks.

maria thayer nude
You should be ashamed! Don’t talk about my Tamela like that!

kate jackson so many men
TOTALLY. Bitch has seen more dicks than a catheter.

eddie cibrian at penis pick
“Penis Pick” – is that like a swap meet? Which one did he pick? I bet it was uncut.

gay shit.org
Thanks for the vote of support. No, really.

 

Scared Shirtless
These are the men that the Googlers and Dogpilers and What-Have-Yahooers of the world wanted to see shirtless or in the altogether last month, in descending order of titty-riffic-ness.

Johnny Messner
Dominic Purcell
Liev Schreiber
Johnny Messner
Shawn Ashmore
Lance Bass
Keram Malicki-Sanchez
Evan Farmer
Jack Noseworthy
Simon Baker
Stephen Geoffreys
Rob Estes
Bradley Cooper
Justin Long
Nathan Bexton
Joey Lawrence
Matt Dallas
Danny Lopes
Eli Roth
Bryan Kirkwood
William Mosley
Amy Steel (?)
George Michael
Daniel Travis
Owen Wilson
Ryan Reynolds
Ross Kemp
Nick Stabile
Nathan Phillips
Eric Nies
J
oel Schumacher (oh Christ...)
Dylan Fergus
Zachary Levi
Nathan Baesel
Timothy Olyphant
Thomas Jane
Christopher Knight
Marcus Shankenberg
Ryan Phillipe

Johnny, Are You Queer?
The continuing saga of Hollywood actors (and other random people) whose sexualities are apparently of the utmost import to at least one nerd with a computer (again, in descending order).

Scott Speedman
Sean Faris
Evan Farmer
Dylan Edrington
Don Mancini
Stephen Geoffreys
Chad Faust
Dominic Purcell
Channon Roe
Eddie Cibrian
John Hodgman
Ryan Reynolds
Patrick Wilson
Doug Wilson
George Eads

 

NEWS 6/19

Don't Forget: Carrie Contest!
For those of you in NYC this weekend, there's simply no place to be on Saturday other than the Two Boots Pioneer Theatre for their very special Prom Edition screening of Brian De Palma's classic teen-revenge epic, Carrie.

Remember -- I've got some free tickets to give away and all you need to do is send me your favorite Carrie moment (as if a film that features a tampon-tossing chorus NEEDS a favorite moment) by Thursday at noon, and I'll pick the winners then. Of course, you can always buy your own tickets in advance at the theatre's website.

Come join the Pioneer's evil pigsblood-slewing teens for a night of prom-soaked bitchiness, with prizes!


Well, it at least beats burning in the gym!

Reading the Entrails

Don't laugh, it's not funny.

Rich at FourFour performs a double-fister of trash brilliance.

Space Mountain just won't cut it for these two anymore.

Did I mention that I'm into art and shit?


Sorry, martini-holding-guy. These bitches just handed you a pink slip.

 

NEWS 6/16

We're Back (We're the Man Behind the Mask)
So we're home from Iowa and boy are our backs tired! Or something. Sorry about the full week of no updates, but even bitter, broken, alcoholic swags like me need a break every now and then (where break = different booze). In case you were wondering, the Midwest is still intact, although the preponderance of chain family restaurants (a relatively new phenomenon in my hometown) has me just a tiny bit worried. Do people really patronize these joints? Am I the only one who saw Waiting?!

Anyway, there's lots of stuff coming, including an article on the MoMA's newest installation, Douglas Gordon Timeline (which uses images from Psycho, The Exorcist, and others), reviews, and the imminent return of the new-and-improved I Still Know! Weekly Movie Still Trivia Challenge Jackpot Wad.

So really, kids -- it's all uphill from here. Do join us..

NYC Pride: Bloodstained Pink Carnation Edition
Any of you kids kind of over Pride Week? I think Scott Thompson (via Buddy Cole) put it best when he said that the only reason gay pride parades still exist is to give the lesbians a place to wear their walkie-talkies. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Aside from Pyramid club's longstanding 1984 All Madonna Dance Floor, what has this city really got to offer pridegoers other than a processional stuffed with tweaking gym zombies and long waits at Food Bar?

If you're tired of celebrating your pride by hoovering designer drugs, hooking up with strangers, and getting sunburned beyond recognition on the pier -- sometimes all at the same time -- then I've got some great news for you. The Two Boots Pioneer Theatre in NYC is holding a very special Prom Edition screening of Brian De Palma's classic horror flick Carrie on Saturday, June 24th. There's a contest for best prom outfits (the winning king and queen will receive free memberships to the theatre) and it's sure to be a blast all around.

I'm delighted to be able to offer a giveaway of 2 sets of tickets (2 tickets each) to two lucky gals, guys, or any combination thereof who want in on this promtastic horrorfest. To win, simply drop a note to contest@campblood.org with your name and your favorite moment from Carrie by noon on Thursday, June 22nd. A group of qualified judges will pick the 2 best moments and history will be made before your very eyes.

Winners will be announced next Friday -- so bust out your tuxedo shirt and start feathering your hair now!


"I just know Eastern Bloc is around here somewhere..."
(Carrie White)

The Knee Jerk: June 16
I only caught one screening this week, as I was far too busy keeping my mother from crowdsurfing at a Styx concert in Iowa to focus on such things (I SO wish I were kidding). But here's what I got for ya:

Wordplay
If you don't like crosswords, this may not be for you. Actually, even if you DO like crosswords it may not be for you -- I'm a huge puzzle nerd and I found this doc on puzzles and those who love them to be a bit slight. The celebrity interviews (Jon Stewart, Bill Clinton, the Indigo Girls, Ken Burns) are cute but kind of pointless (we actually watch them do crosswords, which is about as exciting as watching someone balance a checkbook), but the profiles of hardcore puzzlers are where things get really interesting. Will Shortz, crossword editor for the New York Times and all-around goofball, has a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face that never fades -- it's wonderful to see a man who loves what he does so much, especially when that job involves bringing joy to so many people (joy tempered with intense frustration, but still...). And I was delighted to learn that Trip Payne -- whose puzzles I've been enjoying in GAMES magazine for years -- is openly gay and living with his partner in Florida. The final 30 minutes, which documents the nail-biting drama of the National Crossword Championship, is the highlight of the film -- although even the few curveballs and upsets that it provides don't come close to matching the brilliance of, say, Spellbound (one of my favorite documentaries EVER). Still, it's amusing, diverting, and has a certain amount of clever charm -- much like the disposable puzzles it celebrates.

Father's Day Gift Idea: Twist of Lemmon
Remember the scene in L.A. Story where Iman says, as only Iman can, "I'll haff a tweest uf laymon!"? Now you, too, can utter such thick-accented intentions, thanks to Chris Lemmon's new book, Twist of Lemmon. Although it's billed as a memoir, Chris (the son of the great Jack) focuses much of his writing on his father's career and divorce from his mother -- and let's face it, Jack's life is likely more interesting to read about than Chris's. But let's hope that Chris makes at least passing mention of his lead performance in 1981's slasher/survival classic Just Before Dawn, probably his most memorable role for most of us. How'd it feel to get upstaged by a twentysomething woman in a Girl Scout uniform and a couple of inbred yokels? Enquiring minds want to know!

The book was also co-written by Kevin Spacey, which makes it way creepy.


Chris Lemmon, an oasis of rugby-striped cool
(from Just Before Dawn)

 

NEWS 6/7

In Which Buzz's Dreams are Answered
Ladies and ladies, there is a god: Ryan Reynolds' giblets are back on the block.


Ryan practicing on Scott Thompson for his inevitable wedding to Buzz

Cemetery Man: Not Just Bare Bones
Aside from the time I bummed a smoke off him at the Roxy, the frequent, delicious nude scenes that Rupert Everett did in Cemetery Man (check out my recap in the Homo Horror Guide) are likely as close to the man as I'll ever hope to get. If you're a fan of his statuesque form -- or even if you're not and just dig a good Michele Soavi flick -- you've GOT to pick up the long-awaited DVD release of this fabulous existential zombie film (originally titled Dellamorte Dellamore, after the graphic novel upon which it is based). The horror comedy is atmospheric, very bloody, touching, hilarious, and bursting at the seams with man-meat. Seriously -- it's pretty amazing.

For DVD details or to buy Cemetery Man, head on over to Anchor Bay's website.


Mom, you leave him alone!!
(from Cemetary Man)

The Knee Jerk: June 9
In which we discuss movies outside of the horror genre -- right, as if there WERE such beasts!

A Prairie Home Companion
A meandering, breezy, homespun yarn, Robert Altman's unabashedly cornball film adaptation of Garrison Keillor's long-running Prairie Home Companion radio show accomplished something that few films have been able to pull off: it made me homesick. For the most part, Companion washes over you like a warm late-summer breeze, urging your shoulders to relax, the corners of your mouth to curl upward, and your fingers to type cheesy similes like "washes over you like a warm late-summer breeze". The cast is simply amazing (as one has come to expect from Altman) - even the wildcard, host and creator Garrison Keillor (let's just say he "has a face for radio") is so fascinating to watch that his awkwardness on camera doesn't really register. Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin enjoy the bulk of the screen time as the last two remaining sisters of a once-prosperous Christian family band - their rambling remembrances may get on the nerves of Streep's suicide-obsessed daughter Lola (Lindsay Lohan, who must have bought her agent a housefor scoring her a role that's not opposite a wacky automobile), but their heartfelt songs are so nicked by heartache and rounded with grace that they steal the show. Overall the relaxed performances, variety show vibe and down home good nature of Keillor and his greatest creation keep the shapeless spread of Companion from falling apart entirely, and the film will stay with you for weeks after as a foggy, pleasant memory. For the chance to see what might be the last from a master (and an appropriate finale, at that), or perhaps just to get a little homesick, this film's quite pleasant company, indeed.

Why My Parents Fucking Rock
On the topic of homesickness: so I'm going home to see my parents in the Midwest this week, and I just got the most hilariously awesome email from my sweet mother (whom, despite my occasional references here, is neither undead nor insane -- sorry, ma!). The particular line that really got my goose went a little something like this:

the river festival is going on that weekend and dad has gotten us all tickets to see styx at 8:30 down at the river front. i hope the weather cooperates. it should be fun.

I don't know which is more terrifying: the fact that my parents bought Styx tickets for the whole family, or the fact that, for the first time in my life, my musical tastes are actually in line with those of my folks. Either way, watch out -- Mister Roboto is comin' home!!

Hey, Everybody -- Fuck Macy's!
Daily destination Queerty (which has really found its footing in recent months, IMHGO) had a unique angle on the whole "Macy's Slaps the Dick Out of Gay Pride's Mouth" situation when one of their more boisterous readers made fliers shaming Macy's for the cowardly act of removing rainbow-flag-swathed mannequins from the windows of their Boston store in response to a series of lame conservative complaints. Oddly, the Gay Pride-themed window itself remains, only with no mannequins or clothes in it -- apparently the concept of equality is alright, as long as it doesn't involve any actual people.

Anyway, the issue has snowballed and one kind reader posted a sample of a form letter to be sent to Macy's, along with about a dozen addresses of corporate employees. I'm gonna paste it here just in case any of y'all care to pitch in. Oh -- and although I hope that no one would shop at Macy's in the first place (it smells and the merchandise is always molested), I'd recommend boycotting all Federated Department Stores (which includes Bloomie's, Hecht's, Marshall Field's, and -- GASP! -- Filene's) until they replace the display, or at least pull their head out of their ass and apologize. Seriously -- I haven't eaten at a fucking Wendy's since they pulled their advertising from Ellen back in the mid-90's. Let's put our money where our liberal mouths are. Or something.

To:
terry.lundgren@federated-fds.com, thomas.cody@federated-fds.com, thomas.cole@federated-fds.com, janet.grove@federated-fds.com, susan.kronick@federated-fds.com, ronald.tysoe@federated-fds.com, karen.hoguet@federated-fds.com, kimberly.reason@macys.com, lisa.kauffman@macys.com, ellen.fruchtman@macys.com, elina.kazan@macys.com, ronnie.taffet@macys.com

Shame on you.

I find the removal of the gay pride mannequins in Boston to be among the most offensive corporate acts in recent memory. Macy's action to remove the mannequins was an cowardly act of capitulation to a group which actively seeks to dehumanize the lgbt population and deny us basic dignity, rights and respect. Your actions are egregious, and unless Macy's restores the display, reaffirms its open, non-negotiable support of its gay customers nationwide, your actions will be met with my complete and total boycott of The Federated corporation ad infinitum.

 

NEWS 6/5

Reading the Entrails: 6/6/6 Spectacular!

British mommies-to-be expecting the Antichrist.

A call to arms for Slayer fans. If there are any that actually have computers. Oh, I KEED! I KEED!

Don't worry, Colorado is safe. Buy your granola in peace, hippy bastards.

NYC bike race cancelled. It's all for you, Damien!

Cuntless.

Uh, yeah -- $250 for a fucking musical IS the devil's work. Although I do love that "Defying Gravity"!

Kathy Griffin and the Antichrist: two great tastes that taste great together.

And what does this fag have to say about all this?


Devil, pour him another shot!

 

NEWS 6/4

In the Blood at NewFest
NewFest (the NYC Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgendered Pickles Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun Film Festival) kicked off last week with the East Coast premiere of Strangers with Candy. This year the fest is alarmingly light on genre fare, and seems to have returned to the safer waters of shirtless epics and drag queen comedies. Well, there's a time for everything, I suppose. The only remotely dark, cultish, or genre-related feature I found on the program was In the Blood, which summarizes itself in this fashion:

In the Blood is a college-set supernatural thriller with a gay twist. Cassidy is in his senior year and is starting to finally, if secretly, explore his attraction to men. When the attractive young man makes a date with Victor, a Latino hustler, he experiences strange, disturbing visions of his sister, Jessica, covered in blood. Meanwhile, Jessica, a freshman, and her roommate have learned that a potential serial killer is on the loose on campus, targeting blonde, virginal girls like Jessica. Will Cassidy understand his visions in time to save Jessica? And what roles do the siblings‘ mysterious aunt Helen and Cassidy’s best friend Mike have to play? First time feature director Lou Peterson has created a dark, fun, and surprising film that will keep you on the edge of your seat.

Hmm. Well, that's interesting, at least. I haven't been able to find a single word on the film or anyone involved anywhere, so this one's a total wildcard -- of course, in continuing service to you good people, I'll be checking it out to see if it's worth its weight in digital videotape.

For the full schedule of films at this year's fest, click HERE.


Try this new lip gloss - it's fabulous!
(from In the Blood)

I Think I'm Gonna Like it Here!
Just so you know, we've completed moving this entire shitheap over to a new hosting company -- hopefully one that will treat us (and you) better than the bastards we used to use and who shall remain unnamed (cough!Peoplehost!cough!cough!).

I'm already thrilled with the service and performance, but if any of you little darlings experiences any issues with the site or notices anything odd (excluding poor grammar, uninspired writing, and a shameless disregard for the facts, of course), do drop me a line.

Leapin' Lizards, Sandy! This place fucking rocks!


 

NEWS 6/1

Dead Serious Screens and Screens Again
The sassy, satirical vampire romp Dead Serious (review, set visit) has announced two more upcoming screenings -- the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors and the Philadelphia International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival (which I believe premiered Hellbent two years back -- way to go with the genre stuff, guys!). If you're convenient to Los Angeles or Philly, or don't mind a pleasant drive, do check this one out -- it's fun stuff.

Check out updates and more dates at the official Dead Serious website.


Carrie White Burns in the East Village
Hey, kids -- looking for a fun way to spend next Friday night? How about going to prom? No, not a REAL prom, but the screening of Brian De Palma's glorious, operatic campfest Carrie at the Two Boots Pioneer Theatre?

The fun folks over at the 'Neer are throwing a prom of sorts (as if every Friday night in the East Village weren't a prom, right?), with everyone's favorite telekinetic tampon-target as the guest of honor. I've actually never seen Carrie on the big screen (I know, I know -- blasphemous! But I was an infant when it came out, dahling...) and would be there with bells on were I not off on another assignment that evening (translation: court-ordered rehabilitation).

Head on over to the Pioneer's website for more info and tickets -- and PLUG IT UP!


The Knee Jerk: June 2
Dipping a toe into the non-horror pond, finding it too cold, and returning to our tattered big-box VHS copy of Pandemonium.

The Break-Up
Blah, blah, blah -- is it terrible? No. Is it worth seeing? No. The Break-Up's biggest mistake (aside from casting brisket-headed Vince Vaughn as a romantic lead -- eeeewww!) is that it doesn't go far enough in either direction. Were it a screwball comedy about a breakup, that would be fine. Were it a dark, dangerous comedy about a breakup (a la the fabulous War of the Roses), that would be fine. But in deciding to take the subject seriously, Peyton Reed (Bring it On) shoots himself in the foot. It's just not funny, or even entertaining, when two fundamentally decent people fall out of love with one another. Full stop. The movie's as gay as a goose -- Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers, the new Mac commercials with John Hodgman) plays a flaming gay receptionist at the art gallery where Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) works, which is coincidentally owned by mantis-like camp-icon-in-the-making Judy Davis; Brooke's brother is played by Best in Show's fabulously flaming John Michael Higgins (who also voiced Mentok the Mindtaker for Harvey Birdman) as a gay-seeming a capella singing fanatic; and Opposite of Sex hunk Ivan Sergei plays one of Brooke's suitors (as if there were a chance she'd be with Mister Potatohead if guys like THAT were sniffing around her hydrant). It's all done competently enough, but really -- what's the point of a movie about a breakup where you don't want the two people to either get back together or murder each other? Here you just want them to leave one another alone, and that's kind of bland. After it ended I shrugged and thought, "now that's too bad", which isn't exactly the feeling you want to have walking out of a comedy. No thanks -- I prefer my break-ups ridiculous, hysterical, or blood-soaked.

 

NEWS 5/31

Rumors of Our Death Have Been, Like, Totally Hissied-Out
So you may have noticed that CampBlood was off on one of its patented Bandwidth Benders the other day. Yes, apparently one of our beloved video babies (that damned Stephen Geoffreys!) got plucked up by a video site and drained our bandwidth like so many drunken Fleet Week sailors in a dark alley off 11th Avenue. Or so I’ve heard.

Anyway, sorry about the outage and all – for what it’s worth (cough!not much!cough!), I’m moving this whole shantytown to a new hosting company, so there may be some glitches here and there over the coming weeks. But it’s all not tears and hardship, my little urchins – with change comes opportunity, and I hope to bring some new fun features to the site as I try to save it from completely caving in on itself in a dusty, lavender-scented heap of moldy, lace-trimmed memories and dashed dreams. Miss Haversham, eat your fucking heart out.

Thanks for sticking with us.

Hey -- new review! Remember those?


 

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