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CampBlood Gay Horror Reviews: Senseless Rants from a Picky Sissy

 

The Fog Rupert Wainwright 2005

Mist Opportunity

Holy. Sweet. Fucking. Jesus. Shit.

Despite having the rights to a devilish source script dripping with potential atmosphere, an attractive young cast, and lots of money at their disposal, the makers of the remake of the classic spooker The Fog have managed to turn in what is easily the worst major release horror movie of the year (oh, don’t worry – the limited-release Dominion: The Prequel to the Exorcist still takes the prize overall). Soulless, as graceful as a bulldozer, and just plain stupid, this is the kind of hell that the 3-eightball production meeting hath wrought – empty-headed, utterly craftless garbage that in pretending to be a legitimate horror film (for purely financial reasons) only sullies the reputation of decent genre work. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Oh, Buzz – there you go with the cocaine accusations again. We get it, all bad movies are crackbabies, ha-ha”. But seriously – imagining the entire cast and crew running around with rolled-up twenties hanging out of their noses is the only way I can justify the very existence of this piece of celluloid excrement. Anything less is just too terrifying to bear.

First off, completely disregard anything having to do with the original film other than one of the characters (Stevie Wayne, played here by Selma Blair, and by Adrienne Barbeau in the original), the setting, and the general backstory. Otherwise things look like an adolescent version of the first film – it’s as if the Muppet Babies did a John Carpenter episode. Pretty-but-empty Tom Welling and Maggie Grace stand in for Tom Atkins and Jamie Lee Curtis (uh, WHATEVER), but instead of a craggy townie and a spunky drifter, they’re apple-cheeked teens. BO-RING. Instead of a kickass supporting cast of “elders” that included Janet Leigh, Hal Holbrook, and John Houseman in the original, we get a painfully unfunny stand-up comic (DeRay Davis) and a bunch of Canadian no-names. Actually, that’s not entirely true – at least we do have the lovely Sarah Botsford (Murder by Phone, Deadly Eyes) as Elizabeth’s mother, but given how the focus has been shifted her character is completely pointless and she’s wasted in a generic “bitchy mother” role.

The effects are lame. Just plain bad. When they eventually use actual fog (rather than CGI pixel-shitstorms) it’s like a breath of fresh, moist air – but it’s fleeting and way too little, too late. The “suspense” scenes are atrociously executed – nothing is even remotely scary or tense. They’ve also made a colossally bad decision in making the lead characters an estranged couple – which makes their even stupider decision to make Elizabeth ONE OF THE FUCKING GHOSTS not just lame, but completely impossible. Hey – if she’d actually been a hitchhiker, that might have been feasible. Stupid, but feasible. As it is, it makes absolutely no sense – it’s the cinematic equivalent of Ashlee Simpson’s SNL lip-sync “hoedown dance” – if you can’t do your job, just throw anything you can out there and get the fuck out before the mob rips you to shreds. Roll credits.

You know what? I’m not even talking about this piece of shit anymore. Shame on you, Rupert Wainright, for abandoning your lucrative career in M.C. Hammer videos to pinch off this loaf. Shame on John Carpenter and Debra Hill for allowing this atrocity to take place – have you no pride? Integrity? You’ve sold one of your children into slavery, John – hope it was worth the new addition on the ranch. Thanks for the fucking memories.

Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, watch this thing. No, not even on Vicoden – trust me.

Rating (out of 5): NONE