The CampBlood.org Homo Horror Blogtastico

This week in OH MY SWEET TAPDANCING CHRIST: "Inside"

2008-04-18T11:44:00.006-04:00

Those of you who have been with us for a while know that it takes more than a little red stuff or a dead toddler or some simple cannibalism to faze Uncle Buzz. I've sat through tasteless killer lesbians, pretentious predatory gay rednecks, man-eating pigs, and more Lynda Day George than any man should have to suffer, and come out the other end right as rain.

So imagine my delight when I finally came across a movie that genuinely made my jaw drop: The French "reluctant abortion" splatter thriller Inside (Le Interieur, or some shit).

As Roz would say, "Holy mairde."

The film stars Alysson Paradis (the sister-in-law of Johnny Depp) as Sarah, a woman on the eve of giving birth who is stalked by a crazy lady who wants the baby for herself, and is more than happy to cut it out a day early. Sarah begins the film bloodied from a car crash that takes her husband's life, and doesn't seem to really care about anything, including her unborn child. But as the night progresses and the bodies pile up (and my oh my do they pile up...), she begins to fight back like nobody's business. But the stranger (Beatrice Dalle, who has scared the living fuck out of me ever since she ate that teenaged boy alive in Trouble Every Day) is one tough baby-hungry bitch, and she's not going to go down easy.

Will Sarah and her child live through the night? You'll have to watch to see. But be warned - and seriously, I'm saying this from considerable experience - it is some of the bloodiest, most crazy shit I have ever seen. Imagine Dead Alive, but played straight during childbirth. For reals. If you have a weak stomach or are easily offended by some seriously uncomfortable tension, do not seek this one out. But if you're ready to have your nuts pulled up into your guts for 82 minutes, this is the ticket.

Note that the directors, Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury, have been tapped by Alpha Horror Gay Clive Barker himself to direct the Hellraiser remake, so you can just imagine how visceral and gooey this shit is.

Oh ... and did I mention it's a Christmas movie? Season's greetings!

I liked Jason Beghe better when he was naked and being bathed by a monkey

2008-04-16T16:14:00.004-04:00

Yes, the Monkey Shines hottie is back, and he's talking some major shit about Scientology, which is where he apparently vanished to for all those years after killing Ella with his bare teeth.

He better watch his mouth, or he's gonna find himself back in that wheelchair ... and this time instead of a monkey, he'll have Katie Holmes washing his paralyzed ass!

"The Ruins" anything but, "April Fools Day" a joke

2008-04-07T15:26:00.005-04:00

Hey, guys. I know I'm on various shitlists for not posting any birthday pics yet, but I assure you, they are coming. Combined forces of a week on jury duty and the difficulty of compiling decent pics from various drunkards have held them up a bit.

Anyway, just wanted to take a second to pass on two things:

First, The Ruins is kinda awesome. There's not much to it, but what is there is done exceedingly well. I don't know if I'll get around to a full review, but let me just say that the ads are horribly misleading (they really low-ball it as some cheap, disposable teen slasher when in reality it has a solid pedigree and is much more serious and complex that it appears) and that it's worth checking out. Really, any movie that can make me legitimately scared of a few morning glories is aces in my book, and the performances of all four leads (although Shawn Ashmore gets the least to do, really) are really, really solid.

See what happens when you cast actual actors in horror movies, Hollywood? Which brings us to ...

The bound-to-suck direct-to-video in-name-only "remake" of April Fool's Day sucked even harder than I ever could have imagined. It sucked the paint right off the walls. It sucked a golfball through 200 feet of garden hose. It sucked me back to 1987.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, even ENTERTAIN the thought of wasting any money on this, even as a rental. It's cheap, bloodless, scriptless, ugly, and has the plot of about 150 Christopher Pike young adult horror novels like Chain Letter and Slumber Party and shit. It's atrociously acted, atrociously directed (although to even suggest that there was a director present - let alone 2 "Butcher Brothers" - is a slap in the face of everything I understand about the filmmaking process) and makes Dave DeCoteau's worst film look like Lawrence of Arabia by comparison.

At its core it's supposed to be a "whodunit", but it's more of a "whothefuckcares". I'd call it "Diet Dynasty" or "I Know What You Did Last Prom Night" but either would be an insult to the references. I guess to call it The Disney Channel Presents Cry_Wolf is probably the closest thing I can come up with. It is nothing short of 89 minutes of direct-to-video abortion and I BEG you not to waste your time.

Buzz only has eyes for "The Blood Shed"

2008-03-13T15:00:00.003-04:00

So here's a funny story: My picture is in the current issue of Rue Morgue magazine, as a part of their glowing review of The Blood Shed, the latest film from indie horror's glamazon of gore, Alan Rowe Kelly.

I posted some great set pics from the flick a while back and yes, I do appear in a few scenes of the movie as "the gay neighbor". As you can see from the pic above (you can click on it for a larger image, I think), things don't end up too well for me ... but then again, they don't end up too well for anyone, and at least I don't get my nuts sawed off with an electric turkey knife.

Anyway, you simply must RUN to the newsstands and buy every copy you can find, and make the appropriate closet shrine to the image of me without any eyeballs. And while you're at it, pick up the movie! I know I will, as soon as I can find the door.

And for the record, my birthday party last weekend was even more horrific than what you see above. More to come...

Would you like to leave a message? We'll be sure that she gets it.

2008-03-12T11:14:00.002-04:00

And you can make your own, too!

Happy Birthday to Me, Bitchezzzz

2008-03-06T12:28:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is my birthday and this weekend my dear friends Chuckie and Tintorera Joe (and others) are helping me to throw what is pretty much my dream birthday party. At this point we have an indoor Haunted Forest Disco Dancefloor of Terror, a dusty birthday party from 1981 (complete with fake cakes, corpses, cobwebs, and the like), a mad scientist bar, a hot bartender, and CAMP BLOOD counselor t-shirts (which will soon be available in the Swag Outlet, never ye fear).

There are also some FABULOUS horror vets on the guestlist and tons of super-fun people. I really can't wait. Wish all you sick fucks could be here to celebrate! I'll have pics and maybe even video to post next week.

That is, if I survive.... mwahahahahahaha!

Trailer Fabulous: Bad Biology, Shutter, The Ruins

2008-03-04T09:28:00.003-05:00

Okay, this is absolutely NSFW and far more explicit than anything I've ever posted on this site, so be very careful about clicking the below preview for Frank Henenlotter's first film in 16 years, Bad Biology.

I love Frank's movies both because they're playfully sick and because they seem to feature hot naked men more than they rightfully should (particularly Brain Damage, which is one of my all-time favorites), and this movie is no exception. Prepare yourself for some hot shitboxes, lots of trim, and a few bathtub babies.

Next up we have the trailer for the US remake of Shutter, a clever Asian ghost movie from a few years back that I enjoyed (despite some J-horror cliches that are way past their freshness date) mostly because of a slight twist in the end that I didn't see coming. No idea if the American remake will pull the same trick, but it's worth a look...

And last we have the trailer for The Ruins, which I'm only including as an example of how NOT to sell a horror movie. I saw this trailer in the theatre and laughed, because it looked like a knockoff of Turistas made for the Sci-Fi Channel. But it's actually got some great selling points that are totally missing here.

For one, it's based on a novel by and has a script by Scott Smith, the author of A Simple Plan. Right away this tells me that it's not a throwaway teens-in-peril script. For another, it stars Shawn Ashmore (X-Men, 3 Needles, Wolf Girl), Jena Malone (Donnie Darko, Saved!), and Jonathan Tucker (TCM remake, The Deep End), all of whom have some degree of cred, particularly in genre films (and gay films). You'd never know any of these actors was in the film because you never see a face long enough for it to register, giving the impression that they're cutting AROUND the actors (which is never a good sign).

And lastly, it's directed by gay filmmaker Carter Smith, whose short Bugcrush has disturbed gay film fest viewers all over the place and who has collaborated with gay novelist Dennis Cooper (The Sluts, Frisk) on a film script. Needless to say, I'm checking this one out DESPITE the trailer below...

And now I know how Joan Van Ark felt

2008-03-03T15:48:00.003-05:00

"... as the flames rose ... to her Roman nose and --" ...

Oh, sorry, her Walkman and her hearing aid melted, not HER FUCKING FACE.

My night with Bloody Birthday's Julie Brown

2008-02-27T12:35:00.004-05:00

No, not "Downtown Julie Brown", which everyone seems to get a kick out of asking. The OTHER MTV Julie Brown, the one with actual talent. Yes, the star of such classics as Bloody Birthday, Earth Girls are Easy and Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful performed a few live shows in NYC last weekend and I was there, poster and VHS tape in hand, to see the show and ambush her afterward.

Julie looks like she hasn't aged a day in a decade and she pulled out all her gayest hits, kicking off with "Hey Hey Hey I Wanna Be Gay" and pulling guys up onstage to perform "Girl Fight Tonight" and making male audience members sing the chorus to "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" and "Shut Up and Fuck Me". Yes, it was a family show.

Afterward CampBlood "Special" Correspondent Chuckie and I ambushed Julie with a horde of other queens. The guys who got to her first had a bunch of her albums and Medusa DVDs (yawn!) but as she was signing them she spotted what I was holding and yelped, "IS THAT BLOODY BIRTHDAY!?" Everyone wanted to touch me. It was awesome.

Anyway, she was a doll and laughed about the movie and signed my video box and a hilarious Italian poster for my dear friend Tintorera Joe. And Chuckie even snapped a picture of me with her, but as Joe's Pub has a drink minimum and huge martinis, we were sloshed and the pic is fuzzy.

And yes, I am wearing the same t-shirt that I have worn in every pic of me on this site. It's my celebustalk good luck shirt, and it's never let me down, so you all can suck it.

Dead: "Original Gill Man", Ben Chapman

2008-02-26T09:29:00.004-05:00

I know I don't write much about old-timey horror movies here because ... well, because I don't really like them. But I'm saddened by the death of Ben Chapman, the man who played the Gill Man in the 1954 3-D classic, The Creature From the Black Lagoon. It's not because he turned in a stellar performance (he wasn't even credited and didn't do any of the underwater shots, which were performed by a stuntman), but because I met Ben at a horror convention 6 years ago and he couldn't have been sweeter. (My Buffy-nut friend Amanda actually knew him from growing up in Hawaii, where Ben lived. Her mom taught him how to use a computer or something.)

The actor was six-foot-five and a former Marine, and was a staple of the convention circuit. He will be missed. Here's an interview with the actor with some great clips...

We Are the (Blackface) World, We Are the (Blackface) Children

2008-02-25T16:46:00.003-05:00

This isn't gay, and it isn't horror, but that doesn't mean that it is any less likely to make your brains run out of your ears in bloody rivers. Big ups to snicks for finding this shit.

Put down the gun and tiara and come out of the float

2008-02-19T09:30:00.004-05:00

I'll freely admit, I'm waaaaay more excited about this than I should be.

This coming weekend CampBlood "Special" Correspondent Chuckie and I are going to see one of my all-time favorite actresses/personalities/songwriters, Julie Brown.

No, not THAT Julie Brown, the other one. The redhead? From Just Say Julie, back when MTV was actually fun? Earth Girls Are Easy? "The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun"?

Nothing? Um... the chick who takes her top off and gets an arrow in her eye from her evil little sister in Bloody Birthday? Aaaaaahhhhh, that's it. Yes, her. LOVE. HER. Aside from writing and starring in the best furry alien sex comedy musical that Damon Wayans ever appeared in, she introduced the phrase "harder and more often" (via Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful) into my life. And for that I owe her everything.

I'm going to try to ambush her and get her to sign my old VHS box and a hilarious overseas Bloody Birthday poster for my pal Tintorera Joe. And who knows, maybe I'll get my pic taken with her in the same fucking t-shirt I seem to be wearing every time I have my photo taken with a celebitty.

In the meantime, enjoy this rather hilarious fanvid of Bloody Birthday (set to Smashing Pumpkins' "1979", of all things!), which starts out with the scene in question.

Friday Afternoon Videos: My Banana Hands, Sweding Elm Street, and more

2008-02-15T09:08:00.008-05:00

Here's some crap to brighten your day...

A Nightmare on Elm Street ... "sweded"
What used to be "affectionate recreation" has been dubbed "sweding", a term that will get a lot of play once Michel Gondry's Be Kind Rewind comes out in a few weeks. I think Gus van Sant technically brought the questionable art form in to the mainstream with his shot-by-shot Psycho remake, but the low-fi fan-created recreations are generally much more fun.

Check out A Nightmare on Elm Street in just five minutes, with all the major setpieces intact. Seriously, the woman who plays Ronnee Blakley is just about the best thing EVER.

Jane Fonda says "Cunt" on The Today Show
I really thought I couldn't love this woman any more, especially since her brilliant "Cooking with Feminists" segment on The Colbert Report. But the bitch went and upped her game.

My Hands Are Bananas
Why, you're right! They are!

Humbert wants you to have a happy fucking Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T20:10:00.005-05:00

Didn't have the chance to draw up any new gay horror valentines this year (from the wonderfully talented Andy Swist, of course!), but be sure to check out these various and wonderful past years' collections for print-and-cut homo horror romantic madness.

Keep your hearts close, kids. With Humbert out there, no one is safe!

Ellen Page can go to "Hell"

2008-02-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is as excited as I've gotten about horror movie news in a long time: Ellen Page has been booked to star in Sam Raimi's next project, a horror film called Drag Me to Hell. The best part is that, unlike many projects that people get "attached" to and then forget about, this one actually starts filming next month.

The other good parts are that Ellen Page is ... well, awesome (check out Hard Candy, Juno, and even X3: X-Men Retarded for proof). And let's just pretend not to get excited that Raimi is coming back to horror after hitting the point of diminishing returns on Spiderman (let's be honest, that third one sucked harder than a Lincoln Tunnel ride-along) and delivering some legitimately scary moments with Doc Oc in the franchise's second film (that hospital scene was really effed up, remember?).

His next film, The Lovely Bones, is all weepy and Oscar-baity, so it'll be nice to see him get all supernatural horror again. Drag Me to Hell is about an unsuspecting person who falls prey to a supernatural curse. And it's got "Drag" in the title! Totes gay.

Insert "Bigger Boat" Joke HERE

2008-02-11T11:24:00.000-05:00

Actor Roy Scheider, best known for playing Chief Martin Brody in the 1975 film Jaws, died over the weekend. There was no cause of death released, but he was apparently receiving treatment for cancer of the blood. He was 75.

Scheider was nominated for two Oscars (for The French Connection and All That Jazz) and appeared in like 2000 films. He will be missed.

Dead: "Savage Weekend" actor Christopher Allport

2008-02-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

In a bit of sad news, Fangoria reported on Friday that Christopher Allport, an actor who appeared in numerous genre projects including personal fave Dead & Buried (he gets whacked right at the beginning), Tobe Hooper's Invaders from Mars remake, and the better-than-it-has-any-effing-right-to-be killer snowman movie Jack Frost.

But queer horrorhounds may know Allport best for his role as Nicky, the bar-brawling sissy, in the pervy 1979 slasher Savage Weekend. In a day and age when the few gay characters who made it onto screens were mincing, weak, and made vulnerable by their sexuality (see: Cruising, Cruising, Cruising), Nicky was a standout in that he was mincing, aggressive, and batshit crazy.

In an early scene, Nicky - after being taunted at a roadhouse by some upstate yokels for ordering a martini, wearing short-shorts and basically making Richard Simmons look like Steve Altas - accuses one of his tormentors of sleeping with his mother and unexpectedly flies into a furious rage, breaking beer bottles and pool cues over the heads and backs of the unsuspecting hicks and hissing, "I wasn't raised in the South Bronx for nothin!" before strutting safely out of the bar.

Of course, being a slasher movie, things don't go that well for Nicky for too long, and he meets his death while bedecked in pantyhouse and full makeup. Atta girl!

Anyway, back to Allport: the poor guy died when he was caught in an avalanche while skiing in San Bernadino (Allport wrote a story for the LA Times in 2004 about the pleasures of back-country skiing). He was 61 when he died and had been married to his wife, Carolyn Bohannan, for nearly 30 years.

And no, the irony of the fact that the guy starred in a movie about a killer snowman and died in an avalanche has not been lost on me, nor should it be ignored. Don't blame me, blame the universe.

Trailer (Not-So) Fabulous: April Fool's Day 2008

2008-02-01T14:55:00.001-05:00

AKA: I Know What the Terror Train Did Last Prom Night in Laguna Beach.

Or: The Rage: My Super Fucking Atrocity Direct-to-Video Shitbag 16

I hope Clayton Rohner hunts down these assholes and kills them in even less imaginative ways than this movie has come up with, all the while screaming "Yeah, and I'm Cindy Lauper!"

Friday Afternoon Videos: My Bloody Valentine, The Kills, The Ronnie Horror Picture Show

2008-01-31T22:54:00.000-05:00

You may have heard the announcement yesterday that they're officially remaking My Bloody Valentine, probably one of the best slashers out there. Patrick Lussier, who brought us such forgettable direct-to-video flicks as White Noise 2, Prophecy 3, and Dracula 2000 2 and 3 (he also did the abortion of a theatrical original, which I saw on Christmas Day and from which I emerged with my uncle to find a dead dog frozen solid stuck into the top of a snowbank in the parking lot), looks to continue his record here.

In memoriam, here's a 1981 television spot for the classic Canadian pick-fest.

I've been a big fan of The Kills for a while, but their new single, "Cheap and Cheerful" and its accompanying video are fucking awesome. "I want you to be crazy cause you're boring baby when you're straight." I dare you to not shake ass.

Interesting, this Ronnie Horror Picture Show parody of Ronald Reagan from 1980 (featuring Michael Richards and Larry David!) is just about as unfunny as the fact that the asshole was elected in the first place. (From the short-lived ABC sketch show Fridays.)

Fantasy Casting: Freddy Krueger!

2008-01-31T22:05:00.000-05:00

So as we learned yesterday, Michael Bay and his Platinum Doo production company are remaking Wes Craven's genre-smashing 1984 classic A Nightmare on Elm Street whether we like it or not.

So why not make the best of the situation and engage in some pointless fantasy casting?

Let's assume at this point that Robert Englund, who created the iconic baby-rapist Freddy Krueger in the original film and was able to make at least several car payments thanks to the countless sequels and spinoffs, which included several television shows and a mashup with Friday the 13th. Because if Hollywood can be counted on for anything, it's that it will fuck up a good thing. Is Englund too old? Hells no. But assuming that Bumblebee-bastardizing Bay and co. are going to recast for a new franchise and want a younger actor.

Here are my picks...

Crispin Glover
Not only is Glover a go-to guy for psychosexually disturbed mama's boys (Beowulf, Willard, Back to the Future), but he'll apparently do anything (Wizard of Gore, Epic Movie, Simon Says).

Cillian Murphy
He scares the living eff out of me.

Peter Sarsgaard
He's played a dead-eyed sociopath countless times, but now he's also a father. What better reason to add "kid killer" to the resume?!

D.J. Qualls
Come on -- this guy's creepy.

Tilda Swinton
Love you, girl. But you played a psychotic male Archangel so well in Constantine and the gender-flipping Orlando so well that I would almost rather see you as a man these days. Get dirty!

Okay - who do you suggest? Fuck, who are we kidding. It's going to be Chad Michael Murray.

If Michael Bay lays a finger on "The Baby", I'm-a fuck him up big time

2008-01-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

Yes, in case you haven't heard, Michael Bay is continuing his assault on everything that mattered from my childhood by "relaunching" the Nightmare on Elm Street series from the beginning.

This of course follows the news that Bay's company, Platinum Dunes, is similarly "overhauling" the Friday the 13th franchise (which was overhauling itself already, from what I could tell) and has already redone The Hitcher, The Amityville Horror, and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and was also responsible for turning the Transformers - easily the most beloved cartoon and toy of my young years - into the loudest computer-generated abortion in history.

Of all of these projects, the only I liked was Chain Saw, and I credit most of that to Marcus Nispel (who is also helming the Friday remake, which sounds the most promising of the bunch). But really, Nightmare? Why remake genre-leveling perfection? What could possibly be improved upon ... Heather Langenkamp's acting aside? And Ronee Blakely's? And Amanda Wyss's? Okay, maybe they have a point ... but can they get Lyn Shaye back to reprise her career-defining role?!?!

What's next, you ask? Uh ... how about the Near Dark and The Birds remakes they have in the works? God almighty ... is it too early for Suzanne Pleshette to be rolling in her grave?

Needless to say, if Humbert doesn't get a call to try out for the new Freddy, he is gonna be PISSED...

Trailer Fabulous: Amusement, Midnight Meat Train, Prom Light

2008-01-29T13:42:00.000-05:00

No, do not adjust your monitor, that does say "Prom Light", which is what I've decided to call the upcoming PG-13 remake of the classic film, which is being anticipated as breathlessly as a mid-dance toilet baby delivery. Let's get this thing out, wrap it in a tulle shrug, and toss it in the dumpster so we can get back to the punch and pie, shall we?

Anyway, I have to say that in spite of all this the first half of the film's trailer is AMAZING in its glorious banality. It's just knowing that we're not actually going to see any of these Laguna Peaches get splattered across the walls that makes the second half (wait, does the whole movie take place in a single hotel room?!) really disappointing.

Also included below are the intriguing preview for ~~Valentine 2008~~ Amusement and the tease for the Clive Barker adaptation Midnight Meat Train, which looks way more awesome than I expected (Bradley Cooper and Leslie Bibb, what what!).

Download the Prom Night soundtrack for free

2008-01-28T11:40:00.000-05:00

For those of you who adore the 1980 slashterpiece Prom Night as much as I do (here's my review if you need convincing) and have always wanted to get a hold of the manically brilliant disco songs from the soundtrack, this is your lucky day. Friend of CampBloog Lance (from the delightfully unhinged Kindertrauma site) pointed me to a website offering the songs for free download.

I was lucky enough to have been given a bootleg (from a Japanese release, I think) of the soundtrack a few years back by my dear pal Tintorera Joe, and let me tell you there's nothing like recreating Jamie Lee's classic disco-dancing moments to non-hits like "Dancing in the Moonlight" and "Time to Turn Around". Here's the scene where JLC and her infinitely forgettable date dance to the film's disco theme ("Prom Night: Part 2"):

The POV spinning shots are hard not to love, but my favorite part is when Jamie just starts doing high-kicks and half-turns for no apparent reason, like a spooked show horse. And how can you not love a movie whose final song, "Fade to Black", tells the film's story as a sappy, Minnie Riperton-esque ballad? Hot shit here.

Friday Afternoon Videos: Looker, Gay Nightmare, and more!

2008-01-25T09:51:00.000-05:00

Thought A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (The Gaypex of Horror Cinema) was as queer as it could possibly get? Think again!

She's a Lookaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Is it just me, or does this Gay Hulk MADTV character remind you of Perez Hilton?

Super-eerie video for equally-creepy song "What's a Girl to Do" by Bat for Lashes.

Dirty Skeksi Money

2008-01-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

Don't ask me why, but I've been wanting to do that for like 6 months now...