Monday, August 10, 2009

Brand New CampBlood Blog!

That's right, skittles: I'm sorry to announce that Blogger and I are breaking up. No, Blogger, no - don't cry. It wasn't you, it was me. (...and your mother.)

Forreal, as of this very instant the CampBlood Blog will be moving to a snazzy new locale packed with new amenities, added features and a sharp new look that follows the camp cabin theme recently rolled out on the main page.

I know it may be a hassle/shock to some of you, but please trust that it's all in the name of improved quality, increased interactivity and ... I don't know ... celery. I love me some celery.

From here on out please to visit us at the New and Improved Blog, and of course on the main page. And if you bookmarked us, please update with the new address! As ever, please feel free to send me any feedback (positive or negative).


Friday, August 7, 2009

Trailer Trash: "The Stepfather" remake

Let Penn Badgley do his laundry in peace!!!

One of my favorite eras in American horror movies is the late 80's. The booming home video market offered new distribution models for movies that would otherwise never see the light of day. And the traditional slasher mold had been shattered to bits by A Nightmare on Elm Street a few years before (and had reached the point of diminishing returns on its own around the same time) so horror filmmakers started getting creative and thinking outside the box, trying out new scenarios and taking the bloodshed out of the summer camps and school dances and into less expected situations.

And of course there were all those glorious shoulderpads.

One of my favorite examples of a horror flick that tried something new and pulled it off with aplomb is 1987's teen-angst serial killer thriller The Stepfather. An unexpected and effective mix of classic suspense, shocking violence and kitchen-sink melodrama, the movie starred a then-obscure Terry O'Quinn (now a huge star thanks to Lost) as a serial monogamist who went from town to town marrying different women until one plucky, gravel-voiced Shannen Doherty lookalike (Jill Schoelen) figured out his game.

Terry O'Quinn

The movie actually drew critical praise, especially for O'Quinn (who was a damn hot daddy), and the "phone in Shelley Hack's face" revelation scene is a certified classic. Now some asshat in Hollywood has decided to go and piss on the film's legacy by giving it what will likely be a half-assed and of course completely unneeded remake. (Again, if it ain't broke and was made after, oh, 1975 ... don't fuck with it, fellas.)

The remake stars Dylan Walsh (aka "The other guy from Nip/Tuck") as the titular schizo and Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley as Jill Schoelen. Yes, they've turned our final girl into a final boy, likely because Disturbia made bank at the box office and this remake clearly owes more to that movie than it does the original film that inspires it.

Anyway, here is the trailer for the remake. Aside from "copious shirtless Penn Badgley", can anyone tell me what the point of this might be?

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Review: "A Perfect Getaway": A good hike spoiled

Milla Jovovich (top) and Kiele Sanchez
in Hot Bitches With Knives!

When I was around ten my parents decided I should take golf lessons. Three days a week they shoved me down the gravel path at the Thunder Hills country club toward a bunch of golf-crazed tweens and then hopped into a cart to zip off to the back nine before I could attach myself to their plaid-wrapped legs.

This went on for an entire summer, but little did my folks know that even though they may have succeeded in delivering me into the Lacoste-emblazoned bosom of the enemy, I never played more than a single hole of golf. Because as soon as the class teed off for the second hole, my neighbor Abby and I would duck into the woods, circle back to the clubhouse, and spend the next two hours sitting at the bar sucking down pineapple smoothies and watching MTV.

Anyway, this doesn't have anything to do with anything other than at some point during my miseducation I heard someone use the following quote by Mark Twain: "Golf is a good walk spoiled."

Which brings me to A Perfect Getaway.

An entry into the "claustrophobic thriller" genre that doesn't trouble itself with the whole "claustrophobic" part, Getaway takes place entirely on the breathtaking open cliffs and beaches of Hawaii. Likely written and produced as an excuse to write off a hell of a tropical vacation, the story places three couples (and a few assorted extras) on a trail through the Hawaiian wilds, where a gruesome double-murder has just been committed by - you guessed it! - a couple that could potentially match the description of any of the three.

First and foremost there's Cliff (Steve Zahn, looking like he's been hitting both the gym and the HGH pretty hard) and Cydney (Milla Jovovich), relatively bland and annoying newlyweds who are on their honeymoon. While driving to the trail they almost pick up hitchhikers Kale (Chris Hemsworth) and Chloe (a near-unrecognizable Marley Shelton), grubby neo-hippies who look like they could be dangerous ... or at least smelly (hence the "almost").

Once in the hills Cliff and Cydney meet Nick (Timothy Olyphant, looking extra-edible) and Gina (relative newbie Kiele Sanchez), a free-wheeling couple who seem decent enough, although Nick's Black Ops background and Gina's way with a hunting knife don't exactly put Cliff and Cydney (whose name becomes more and more infuriating the more I have to write it) at ease. And when the new tennis doubles run into Kale and Chloe on the trail, the plot thickens (by exactly 50%).

Of course, the "oooh!" factor is supposed to be driven by our wondering which of the couples (if any) are the murderers, but honestly the lean plot and rote genre machinations are overwhelmed and eventually pulverized by the sheer gorgeousness of the location. Great pains are taken to get the actors near-naked as often as possible (including an impressive butt-shot for Olyphant ... no tan line!) in order to compete with the landscape, and although I greatly appreciate the effort, it's a vain one.

"It's okay, I'm still hot!"

As far as the mystery goes, I'm actually a bit flummoxed by the whole thing. Getaway seems to think itself very clever - something of a riff on Natural Born Killers but with a brilliant second-act twist and a couple of great red herrings. And why do I imagine the movie thinks these things? Because it actually tells us.


As in, in the dialogue.

Using the dubious device of having Cliff and Nick discuss thriller screenwriting throughout the hike, the movie pretty much tells you what's going to happen next, which isn't terribly ... well, thrilling. Add on the fact that if you pay any attention whatsoever the big "twist" is more or less spelled out in smoke signals and semaphore in the first 15 minutes of the movie, and you're in for a very long walk, indeed.

On the plus side, the photography is quite impressive (when it's not being hacked to death by some of the most annoying editing I've seen this side of a Rob Zombie video), Olyphant and Sanchez in particular are a lot of fun to watch, and ... well ... did I mention the butt shot yet?

Oh. Well, I'm done, then.

See you at the bar for a pineapple smoothie.

(out of 5)

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Himbo Alert(s): "A Perfect Getaway" and its perfect pecs

Timothy Olyphant in A Perfect Getaway

Last night I caught a screening of the under-the-RADAR thriller A Perfect Getaway, starring Milla Jovovich, Steve Zahn and Timothy Olyphant as hikers in Hawaii or something ... I don't know, I was drunk. (Kidding, my full review will be up later.)

For now, I just wanted to point out that this movie has six things going for it, for the purposes of the Camp: Namely, the perky, sun-kissed man-teats of Timothy Olyphant, Steve Zahn, and Chris Hemsworth.

Steve Zahn

Yes, I just objectified the ratty little guy from Reality Bites and Happy, Texas, who it turns out can rock a tank-top with the best of them. These are dark, dark days in which we are living, my friends.

Olyphant with Kiele Sanchez

Seriously, this movie has more tanned beef than a leather jacket wholesaler. Olyphant (who has been a major crush since he ruined Santa hats for me FOREVER back in Go) has never looked better and is a swaggering, sexy force that gives the stunning tropical locales a run for their pretty penny. And what's more, he gives us a pretty fancy ass shot that will no doubt put an end to the debate as to whether men without tan lines are sexy (they officially are).

Chris Hemsworth and Zahn

Ozzie Hemsworth, a Home and Away vet who hasn't done much Stateside but will appear in Joss Whedon's The Cabin in the Woods and the Red Dawn remake and has been cast as the title character in a little comic book movie called Thor, is ... well, he can pretty much throw me over his shoulder, drag me back to his cave and make a rug out of me or something, because I'm defenseless against this kind of rugged awesomeness.

Okay, maybe not a rug, but a nice set of placemats? Or tea towels?

Pre-rugged Hemsworth, aka Ryan Kwanten 2.0

Anyway, if you're up for some serious beefcake, you might want to check this one out because these guys seriously spend most of the movie airing out their gutters. Here's the trailer, and be sure to check back for my full review!

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.7: Taste the rainbow!

In this week's Very Special Blood Work, Andy and I taste-test the new TruBlood carbonated beverage. Will we prefer it cold, hot, or with vodka? I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Plus, we of course discuss the wacky seventh episode of True Blood Season Two, "Release Me". What of Eggs and Little Miss Baconpants? What of zombie whores and skank hos? And can the show ever again reach the brilliance of Sarah Newlin's "Golfcart of the Valkyries" moment?

All this and a heck of a hangover await, below. Hurry ... it's going faster than fritters on a fat farm!

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Monday, August 3, 2009

Trailer Fabulous: "Whiteout" vs "White Out"

Here's the trailer for the new horror movie Whiteout: Or, We Threw a Surprise Luau Party for The Thing But It Never Showed Up So Here's Our Crappy Movie.

Nice to see that they still figured out a way to get Kate Beckinsale naked even though the movie takes place IN FUCKING ANTARCTICA. Seriously, this movie would be better if it were about someone spilling Liquid Paper on an important document, like a bad screenplay or a sweepstakes entry to Publisher's Clearinghouse. Now that's some scary shit.


Actually, I'd much rather see THIS White Out instead. Nick Watson is about to begin his rampage!!!

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Saturday, August 1, 2009

Himbo Alert: Gerard Butler in "Gamer"

Like any good gay man, I paid tribute to the impossibly perky pecs of sassy Scot Gerard Butler when he unveiled his beefy new bod for the insanely-gay-but-totally-not-gay-ahem-nosiree extended gladiator music video called 300. (In his case, tribute was an 8x10 of titty-rival Ryan Reynolds, a bag of Andy Capp Hot Fries and a jigger of the GlenFiddich.)

But having made a point to miss all of Butler's films since (and having noted that he was looking a wee bit marshmallow-y on a recent Craig Ferguson appearance) I was a bit surprised to see that he is once again showing off that trademark torso in the upcoming cyber-thriller Gamer, which co-stars local fave Michael C. Hall (Dexter, Six Feet Under) and Kyra Sedgwick (really?).

Here you go, mates. You know what to do.

And here's the trailer for the otherwise meh-looking cyber-actioner:

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tru Blood beverage: This had better mix with liquor

So we just got a bottle of Tru Blood in the mail from the delicious folks at HBO ... just in time for Unemployed Homosexual Cocktail Hour (Part 1 of 7, daily)!

I'm intrigued by the flavor (blood orange), a bit disturbed by the nutritional content (mammamiadassalotta niacin and B12 ... is real blood high in these, I wonder?) and convinced that even if it tastes more like actual blood than fruit, it will still be more appetizing than Red Bull.

We're going to crack open the bottle and taste it on our next Blood Work! True Blood vlog, so be sure to check back next Tuesday to find out what O-Positive tastes like.

And if you can't wait for our review to pre-order your own (the drink ships out in early September), head on over to the Tru Beverage website and order up a 12-pack.

Like this one!
Or that one!

Or this one!
Or that one!
Note: You cannot actually order Ryan Reynolds, gun cases, or reality star douchebags from the Tru Blood site. Did I mention that I'm already wasted? Wheee!

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