Friday Afternoon Videos: My Banana Hands, Sweding Elm Street, and more

Here's some crap to brighten your day...

A Nightmare on Elm Street ... "sweded"
What used to be "affectionate recreation" has been dubbed "sweding", a term that will get a lot of play once Michel Gondry's Be Kind Rewind comes out in a few weeks. I think Gus van Sant technically brought the questionable art form in to the mainstream with his shot-by-shot Psycho remake, but the low-fi fan-created recreations are generally much more fun.

Check out A Nightmare on Elm Street in just five minutes, with all the major setpieces intact. Seriously, the woman who plays Ronnee Blakley is just about the best thing EVER.

Jane Fonda says "Cunt" on The Today Show
I really thought I couldn't love this woman any more, especially since her brilliant "Cooking with Feminists" segment on The Colbert Report. But the bitch went and upped her game.

My Hands Are Bananas
Why, you're right! They are!

Fantasy Casting: Freddy Krueger!

So as we learned yesterday, Michael Bay and his Platinum Doo production company are remaking Wes Craven's genre-smashing 1984 classic A Nightmare on Elm Street whether we like it or not.

So why not make the best of the situation and engage in some pointless fantasy casting?

Let's assume at this point that Robert Englund, who created the iconic baby-rapist Freddy Krueger in the original film and was able to make at least several car payments thanks to the countless sequels and spinoffs, which included several television shows and a mashup with Friday the 13th. Because if Hollywood can be counted on for anything, it's that it will fuck up a good thing. Is Englund too old? Hells no. But assuming that Bumblebee-bastardizing Bay and co. are going to recast for a new franchise and want a younger actor.

Here are my picks...

Crispin Glover
Not only is Glover a go-to guy for psychosexually disturbed mama's boys (Beowulf, Willard, Back to the Future), but he'll apparently do anything (Wizard of Gore, Epic Movie, Simon Says).

Cillian Murphy
He scares the living eff out of me.

Peter Sarsgaard
He's played a dead-eyed sociopath countless times, but now he's also a father. What better reason to add "kid killer" to the resume?!

D.J. Qualls
Come on -- this guy's creepy.

Tilda Swinton
Love you, girl. But you played a psychotic male Archangel so well in Constantine and the gender-flipping Orlando so well that I would almost rather see you as a man these days. Get dirty!

Okay - who do you suggest? Fuck, who are we kidding. It's going to be Chad Michael Murray.

If Michael Bay lays a finger on "The Baby", I'm-a fuck him up big time

Yes, in case you haven't heard, Michael Bay is continuing his assault on everything that mattered from my childhood by "relaunching" the Nightmare on Elm Street series from the beginning.

This of course follows the news that Bay's company, Platinum Dunes, is similarly "overhauling" the Friday the 13th franchise (which was overhauling itself already, from what I could tell) and has already redone The Hitcher, The Amityville Horror, and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and was also responsible for turning the Transformers - easily the most beloved cartoon and toy of my young years - into the loudest computer-generated abortion in history.

Of all of these projects, the only I liked was Chain Saw, and I credit most of that to Marcus Nispel (who is also helming the Friday remake, which sounds the most promising of the bunch). But really, Nightmare? Why remake genre-leveling perfection? What could possibly be improved upon ... Heather Langenkamp's acting aside? And Ronee Blakely's? And Amanda Wyss's? Okay, maybe they have a point ... but can they get Lyn Shaye back to reprise her career-defining role?!?!

What's next, you ask? Uh ... how about the Near Dark and The Birds remakes they have in the works? God almighty ... is it too early for Suzanne Pleshette to be rolling in her grave?

Needless to say, if Humbert doesn't get a call to try out for the new Freddy, he is gonna be PISSED...

Friday Afternoon Videos: Looker, Gay Nightmare, and more!

Thought A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (The Gaypex of Horror Cinema) was as queer as it could possibly get? Think again!

She's a Lookaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Is it just me, or does this Gay Hulk MADTV character remind you of Perez Hilton?

Super-eerie video for equally-creepy song "What's a Girl to Do" by Bat for Lashes.