"Harper's Island" Finale: Well .... THAT happened!

Yowch! Well, you gotta give the producers credit for delivering on their promise: By the end of the 13-episode series, a murderer was exposed, a mystery was solved and an entire David's Bridal collection was shredded to ribbons.

In the two-part finale we learned which member of the wedding party was a secret psycho, spilled a lot more blood, and wrapped up what was, in retrospect, a decidedly mean but pretty damn tidy little horror story. I wasn't terribly surprised to learn that my guess as to whom the killer would be was totally wrong, because I am the worst sleuth since Inspector Gadget. But if you'd rather not be spoiled as to the identity of the murder and the way things played out, stop reading now.

SPOILERS YONDER

So yes, Henry the groom-to-be was John Wakefield's son and he orchestrated the entire wedding as a way of getting Abby back to the Island ... not because he wanted revenge on her for getting the life and family that he was denied, but because he wanted to play house with her forever in a spread from Northwest Living magazine.

It's actually ridiculously obvious, when you think about it. And yet for some reason I didn't think that it could be that easy, so when it played out I was pretty satisfied. I also loved the way that the show jumped to the mainland (Shaye and that horrid little girl were the only two people to get off the Island) and made you think that everyone else had perished, just like Henry wanted us to. The whole "keeping Jimmy alive so he could take the fall" thing seemed a bit unnecessary and convenient, as I would rather have seen brother and sister face off one-on-one, Laurie Strode-style. But Abby got her vengeance, and I guess her and Jimmy's ride off into the sunset is the show's half-assed way of redeeming itself for being what was otherwise pretty much the most misanthropic and sadistic 13 weeks of television I've ever seen.

So what'dya think? Anyone stick with it to the end? Did you guess right? And overall, was it a successful serialized slasher experiment? This guy says "yes".

And OMG, how horrible was this whole thing for poor, dead, dirty-dressed Trish? (A little club soda will get that out!) I didn't really like her to begin with, but Lordy did that girl get the short end of the stick!

Why I will be watching the "Harper's Island" finale alone

This coming Saturday CBS will be airing the 2-hour finale of what might be the most daring horror-related network television experiment ever, the self-contained slasher opus Harper's Island. Now, if you haven't even heard of the show, you're not alone: since the bloody, Ten Little Indians-style mystery was banished to Saturday nights at 10PM early on, it never stood much of a chance.

But if, like we have, you've been sticking with the increasingly nasty little serial killer tale week after week, you might be looking forward to finding out how things will wrap up (they've promised since day one that they'll solve the mystery after killing pretty much everyone off) this weekend.

Well, let me adjust that slightly ... because as of last week's episode, the viewership in our household went from "us" to "me", and probably for good reason. To find out why (and to hear my completely off-base prediction for the solution to the mystery), continue through the SPOILERY waters below... (Note: If you haven't seen the show but want to catch up before the finale, you can watch every episode so far in full on CBS.com and on Prime Time On-Demand!)

Here's Episode 11:






In last week's episode, "Splash", boomerang baddie John Wakefield (who is alive and well, we know now) essentially killed off the only likable characters left of the show, the newly-engaged Cal and Chloe (the blondes). Introduced as disposable, vapid pretty people, the mismatched couple had somehow managed to survive to the 11th (of 13) episode, and along the way proved themselves to be wonderfully spunky and lovable characters. When browbeaten Cal was finally able to propose to Chloe in the last episode, it seemed that this budding love might be the show's way of injecting some hope into its tragic setup (a wedding becoming a slaughterhouse) and that they might be the "Final Couple" of the series.

Um ... no.

Instead, the couple was tortured and given the most prolonged and anguished sendoff thus far, with Cal being impaled right in front of Chloe and Chloe committing suicide before Wakefield could get to her (sighing, "You can't have me" before letting go of the bridge rail and falling to her death). It's not a particularly new twist, sure - heck, it was the ending of Open Water, more or less. But in that case you'd spent 90 minutes growing to detest the two victims, and in this case you'd spent 11 hours actually coming to like them.

It was a pretty mean move, and one that might have turned a lot of people off in the 11th hour (literally). Andy actually walked out of the room the minute the spike met Cal's chest and announced that he wouldn't be watching any more of the show, that they'd just gone too far. I can't really argue with him, although I reminded him that the show did pretty much promise to kill everyone off before it even started. But honestly, couldn't that annoying little kid have been the next to go, instead?

On Saturday the last two episodes ("Gasp" and "Sigh" ... notice that all the titles are the death sounds of the wedding guests? Neat...) will air, and the mystery will be solved. My call? Since Episode 4 ("Bang") I've been convinced that Booth (the friend who shot himself by accident and whose body disappeared) had faked his own death and had been aiding Wakefield in secret, likely because he's his son. They're of course casting suspicion on the fishy boyfriend now (I Know What You Did Last Summer-style) but I think it's a red herring (nyuk).

It's pretty safe to say the killer isn't Uncle Marty (Harry Hamlin)

If this is the twist, it means that the writers did their homework, as it would borrow from both And Then There Were None (someone faking his own death to move about in secret) and Death on the Nile (a fake shooting), two Agatha Christie whodunit classics.

Any theories? Is anyone even still watching?