Friday, August 7, 2009

Trailer Trash: "The Stepfather" remake

Let Penn Badgley do his laundry in peace!!!

One of my favorite eras in American horror movies is the late 80's. The booming home video market offered new distribution models for movies that would otherwise never see the light of day. And the traditional slasher mold had been shattered to bits by A Nightmare on Elm Street a few years before (and had reached the point of diminishing returns on its own around the same time) so horror filmmakers started getting creative and thinking outside the box, trying out new scenarios and taking the bloodshed out of the summer camps and school dances and into less expected situations.

And of course there were all those glorious shoulderpads.

One of my favorite examples of a horror flick that tried something new and pulled it off with aplomb is 1987's teen-angst serial killer thriller The Stepfather. An unexpected and effective mix of classic suspense, shocking violence and kitchen-sink melodrama, the movie starred a then-obscure Terry O'Quinn (now a huge star thanks to Lost) as a serial monogamist who went from town to town marrying different women until one plucky, gravel-voiced Shannen Doherty lookalike (Jill Schoelen) figured out his game.


Terry O'Quinn

The movie actually drew critical praise, especially for O'Quinn (who was a damn hot daddy), and the "phone in Shelley Hack's face" revelation scene is a certified classic. Now some asshat in Hollywood has decided to go and piss on the film's legacy by giving it what will likely be a half-assed and of course completely unneeded remake. (Again, if it ain't broke and was made after, oh, 1975 ... don't fuck with it, fellas.)

The remake stars Dylan Walsh (aka "The other guy from Nip/Tuck") as the titular schizo and Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley as Jill Schoelen. Yes, they've turned our final girl into a final boy, likely because Disturbia made bank at the box office and this remake clearly owes more to that movie than it does the original film that inspires it.

Anyway, here is the trailer for the remake. Aside from "copious shirtless Penn Badgley", can anyone tell me what the point of this might be?


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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Himbo Alert(s): "A Perfect Getaway" and its perfect pecs

Timothy Olyphant in A Perfect Getaway

Last night I caught a screening of the under-the-RADAR thriller A Perfect Getaway, starring Milla Jovovich, Steve Zahn and Timothy Olyphant as hikers in Hawaii or something ... I don't know, I was drunk. (Kidding, my full review will be up later.)

For now, I just wanted to point out that this movie has six things going for it, for the purposes of the Camp: Namely, the perky, sun-kissed man-teats of Timothy Olyphant, Steve Zahn, and Chris Hemsworth.


Steve Zahn

Yes, I just objectified the ratty little guy from Reality Bites and Happy, Texas, who it turns out can rock a tank-top with the best of them. These are dark, dark days in which we are living, my friends.


Olyphant with Kiele Sanchez

Seriously, this movie has more tanned beef than a leather jacket wholesaler. Olyphant (who has been a major crush since he ruined Santa hats for me FOREVER back in Go) has never looked better and is a swaggering, sexy force that gives the stunning tropical locales a run for their pretty penny. And what's more, he gives us a pretty fancy ass shot that will no doubt put an end to the debate as to whether men without tan lines are sexy (they officially are).

Chris Hemsworth and Zahn

Ozzie Hemsworth, a Home and Away vet who hasn't done much Stateside but will appear in Joss Whedon's The Cabin in the Woods and the Red Dawn remake and has been cast as the title character in a little comic book movie called Thor, is ... well, he can pretty much throw me over his shoulder, drag me back to his cave and make a rug out of me or something, because I'm defenseless against this kind of rugged awesomeness.

Okay, maybe not a rug, but a nice set of placemats? Or tea towels?

Pre-rugged Hemsworth, aka Ryan Kwanten 2.0

Anyway, if you're up for some serious beefcake, you might want to check this one out because these guys seriously spend most of the movie airing out their gutters. Here's the trailer, and be sure to check back for my full review!

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Monday, August 3, 2009

Trailer Fabulous: "Whiteout" vs "White Out"


Here's the trailer for the new horror movie Whiteout: Or, We Threw a Surprise Luau Party for The Thing But It Never Showed Up So Here's Our Crappy Movie.

Nice to see that they still figured out a way to get Kate Beckinsale naked even though the movie takes place IN FUCKING ANTARCTICA. Seriously, this movie would be better if it were about someone spilling Liquid Paper on an important document, like a bad screenplay or a sweepstakes entry to Publisher's Clearinghouse. Now that's some scary shit.

Enjoy!


Actually, I'd much rather see THIS White Out instead. Nick Watson is about to begin his rampage!!!

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

"Troll 2" documentary "Best Worst Movie" screening this Friday in Brooklyn!


Those of you who have been around a while likely know that there is a special place in my diseased husk of a heart for 1990's Troll 2, a film that I lovingly called "shit at 24 frames-per-second" in one of the first reviews I ever published on this here site.

Well the shit is finally hitting the fans (nyuk!) with the release of Best Worst Movie, a documentary that explores the insane fanbase of Troll 2 lovers/haters who have embraced the ill-advised (and even iller-executed) sequel as one of the worst movies of all time.

The film, which was directed by now-grown-up Michael Stephenson (who played the child lead in the film that memorably pissed on dinner and uttered the immortal line "They're eating my mother!"), is currently making the festival rounds and is apparently pretty damn adept at walking the line between hilarity and pathos as it catches up with the people in and behind Troll 2 and the fanbase that adores them for being so awesomely bad at what they did.

This Friday night in my nabe of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Rooftop Films is screening the doc on the lawn of the Automotive High School (which sounds oddly appropriate in and of itself) and both director Stephenson and George Hardy, who played the father in the film and is now a dentist, will reportedly be there for the screening (for more info, check out Rooftop's website). The $9 ticket price also includes an open bar afterward at Matchless, and trust me ... you'll need it.

I wish that director Claudio Fragasso would be there so that I could ask him about casting gay porn legend Jeff Stryker in Zombie 4, but you can't always get what you want, right? Instead, enjoy this trailer for Best Worst Movie:



Afterthought: Am I the only one pleasantly surprised at how adorable Stephenson turned out? I'd totally hit that (after a once-over with the Dirt Devil):

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Trailer Fabulous: "Wicked, Wicked"


I don't know what unholy cross-pollination of Private Parts, Psycho and California Suite resulted in the 1973 slasher gimmick Wicked, Wicked, but damn I wish I'd been there to see the upper-fueled pitch meeting that brought this puppy to life.

Filmed in Duo-Vision (the whole movie was split-screen, for no apparent reason), this MGM horror comedy was apparently a stinker of the highest order, but I'll be dipped in shit if it doesn't have one of the HOTTEST TRAILERS IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

Just try to tell me it ain't:






Oh, and did I mention that the writer/director happens to be named Dick Bare? HAWT! Plus, lead detective David Bailey is pretty much the textbook definition of Seventies Handsome, and it's nice to see Kingdom of the Spiders' Tiffany Bolling not introducing herself as Diane Ashley every five fucking seconds.

There's lots more on this little gem over at Vinnie Rattole's. Enjoy!

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Trailer Fabulous: "Jennifer's Body"



When I read eons ago that Diablo Cody was making a horror movie about a cheerleader possessed by a man-eating demon I was cautiously optimistic. Then I actually saw Transformers and realized that Megan Fox is about as interesting to watch as a bowl of oatmeal, so my hopes were dampened somewhat.

But this red-band trailer for the movie (which also stars Amanda Seyfried, Adam Brody and OMG Amy Sedaris!) is actually pretty fun, if not a bit too similar to Ginger Snaps for its own good. (Seriously, it's pretty much the same movie, from the looks of it.)

Thoughts? Oh, and one more thing: Maybe the studio should come up with another poster idea that isn't, ohIdunno, EXACTLY LIKE THE SEASON ONE POSTER FOR TRUE BLOOD?



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Friday, March 20, 2009

Trailer Fabulous: "Sorority Row"


Okay, so go ahead and kill me and dump me in a mineshaft but The House on Sorority Row isn't one of my favorites, despite featuring Kristin from Days of Our Lives as a white-hot Alpha Bitch. The Les Diabolique parallels were cute, sure, and the whole "twist" was interesting, but otherwise I've never really had much to say about it. (Except, of course, "Mrs. Slater", harder and more often.)

So don't kill me when I say that I'll totally go see this remake, which doesn't really appear to take much from the original other than the location and the idea of a prank-gone-wrong. Won't it be worth it to see that fish-faced idiot from The Hills get a tire-iron to the gut? I wonder if with her last breath she asks, "Isn't it funny how all this is happening while Lauren's away?"

Thoughts?

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Trailer Fabulous: Bad Biology, Shutter, The Ruins

Okay, this is absolutely NSFW and far more explicit than anything I've ever posted on this site, so be very careful about clicking the below preview for Frank Henenlotter's first film in 16 years, Bad Biology.

I love Frank's movies both because they're playfully sick and because they seem to feature hot naked men more than they rightfully should (particularly Brain Damage, which is one of my all-time favorites), and this movie is no exception. Prepare yourself for some hot shitboxes, lots of trim, and a few bathtub babies.




Next up we have the trailer for the US remake of Shutter, a clever Asian ghost movie from a few years back that I enjoyed (despite some J-horror cliches that are way past their freshness date) mostly because of a slight twist in the end that I didn't see coming. No idea if the American remake will pull the same trick, but it's worth a look...


And last we have the trailer for The Ruins, which I'm only including as an example of how NOT to sell a horror movie. I saw this trailer in the theatre and laughed, because it looked like a knockoff of Turistas made for the Sci-Fi Channel. But it's actually got some great selling points that are totally missing here.

For one, it's based on a novel by and has a script by Scott Smith, the author of A Simple Plan. Right away this tells me that it's not a throwaway teens-in-peril script. For another, it stars Shawn Ashmore (X-Men, 3 Needles, Wolf Girl), Jena Malone (Donnie Darko, Saved!), and Jonathan Tucker (TCM remake, The Deep End), all of whom have some degree of cred, particularly in genre films (and gay films). You'd never know any of these actors was in the film because you never see a face long enough for it to register, giving the impression that they're cutting AROUND the actors (which is never a good sign).

And lastly, it's directed by gay filmmaker Carter Smith, whose short Bugcrush has disturbed gay film fest viewers all over the place and who has collaborated with gay novelist Dennis Cooper (The Sluts, Frisk) on a film script. Needless to say, I'm checking this one out DESPITE the trailer below...

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Friday, February 1, 2008

Trailer (Not-So) Fabulous: April Fool's Day 2008


AKA: I Know What the Terror Train Did Last Prom Night in Laguna Beach.

Or: The Rage: My Super Fucking Atrocity Direct-to-Video Shitbag 16

I hope Clayton Rohner hunts down these assholes and kills them in even less imaginative ways than this movie has come up with, all the while screaming "Yeah, and I'm Cindy Lauper!"

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Trailer Fabulous: Amusement, Midnight Meat Train, Prom Light

No, do not adjust your monitor, that does say "Prom Light", which is what I've decided to call the upcoming PG-13 remake of the classic film, which is being anticipated as breathlessly as a mid-dance toilet baby delivery. Let's get this thing out, wrap it in a tulle shrug, and toss it in the dumpster so we can get back to the punch and pie, shall we?

Anyway, I have to say that in spite of all this the first half of the film's trailer is AMAZING in its glorious banality. It's just knowing that we're not actually going to see any of these Laguna Peaches get splattered across the walls that makes the second half (wait, does the whole movie take place in a single hotel room?!) really disappointing.



Also included below are the intriguing preview for Valentine 2008 Amusement and the tease for the Clive Barker adaptation Midnight Meat Train, which looks way more awesome than I expected (Bradley Cooper and Leslie Bibb, what what!).

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