Friday, August 7, 2009

Trailer Trash: "The Stepfather" remake

Let Penn Badgley do his laundry in peace!!!

One of my favorite eras in American horror movies is the late 80's. The booming home video market offered new distribution models for movies that would otherwise never see the light of day. And the traditional slasher mold had been shattered to bits by A Nightmare on Elm Street a few years before (and had reached the point of diminishing returns on its own around the same time) so horror filmmakers started getting creative and thinking outside the box, trying out new scenarios and taking the bloodshed out of the summer camps and school dances and into less expected situations.

And of course there were all those glorious shoulderpads.

One of my favorite examples of a horror flick that tried something new and pulled it off with aplomb is 1987's teen-angst serial killer thriller The Stepfather. An unexpected and effective mix of classic suspense, shocking violence and kitchen-sink melodrama, the movie starred a then-obscure Terry O'Quinn (now a huge star thanks to Lost) as a serial monogamist who went from town to town marrying different women until one plucky, gravel-voiced Shannen Doherty lookalike (Jill Schoelen) figured out his game.

Terry O'Quinn

The movie actually drew critical praise, especially for O'Quinn (who was a damn hot daddy), and the "phone in Shelley Hack's face" revelation scene is a certified classic. Now some asshat in Hollywood has decided to go and piss on the film's legacy by giving it what will likely be a half-assed and of course completely unneeded remake. (Again, if it ain't broke and was made after, oh, 1975 ... don't fuck with it, fellas.)

The remake stars Dylan Walsh (aka "The other guy from Nip/Tuck") as the titular schizo and Gossip Girl's Penn Badgley as Jill Schoelen. Yes, they've turned our final girl into a final boy, likely because Disturbia made bank at the box office and this remake clearly owes more to that movie than it does the original film that inspires it.

Anyway, here is the trailer for the remake. Aside from "copious shirtless Penn Badgley", can anyone tell me what the point of this might be?

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.7: Taste the rainbow!

In this week's Very Special Blood Work, Andy and I taste-test the new TruBlood carbonated beverage. Will we prefer it cold, hot, or with vodka? I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Plus, we of course discuss the wacky seventh episode of True Blood Season Two, "Release Me". What of Eggs and Little Miss Baconpants? What of zombie whores and skank hos? And can the show ever again reach the brilliance of Sarah Newlin's "Golfcart of the Valkyries" moment?

All this and a heck of a hangover await, below. Hurry ... it's going faster than fritters on a fat farm!

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Monday, August 3, 2009

Trailer Fabulous: "Whiteout" vs "White Out"

Here's the trailer for the new horror movie Whiteout: Or, We Threw a Surprise Luau Party for The Thing But It Never Showed Up So Here's Our Crappy Movie.

Nice to see that they still figured out a way to get Kate Beckinsale naked even though the movie takes place IN FUCKING ANTARCTICA. Seriously, this movie would be better if it were about someone spilling Liquid Paper on an important document, like a bad screenplay or a sweepstakes entry to Publisher's Clearinghouse. Now that's some scary shit.


Actually, I'd much rather see THIS White Out instead. Nick Watson is about to begin his rampage!!!

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Video: "Troll 2": You don't piss on hospitality!

In discussing yesterday's post about the upcoming screening of Best Worst Movie, my pal Lee pointed out that some sick sunofabitch over at Hulu (my words, not his) had posted Troll 2, in its entirety, for your viewing pleasure. Yes, the uninitiated or the proudly masochistic can now enjoy the worst film ever made in the comfort of their own cubicles.

I'll embed the whole movie below, but here's just a taste of the chickenhawkish magic, in the form of the famous "underage hero pisses on his family's dinner" scene. The little scamp!

Update: Hulu's being a total bayotch about embeds, so you can access the clip directly here. And if that isn't enough for you, here's the whole movie. Don't blame me, blame Lee!!

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.6: "PussyCat Blues"

Betcha didn't know that apart from being a vampire, a skilled pumpkin-carver, a doting husband and the self-appointed captain of Team Bill, Andy is also an accomplished megaphone crooner.

It's true! Andy lets his old-timey colors (or lack thereof) show in the latest installment of Blood Work Too!, in which we discuss the croontastic latest episode of True Blood, "Hard-Hearted Hannah".

Will the pussycats get sober? Will we run out of gin? And will we ever get the color back in our apartment?

Watch to find out!

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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Anna Paquin on the "True Blood" triangle: "Man-love is a really beautiful thing"

EW's Ausiello sat down with Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer and Alexander Skarsgård at San Diego Comic Con to discuss True Blood's growing popularity and the budding Bill/Sookie/Eric triangle.

The trio delivered some cute and non-committal banter on the topic, with Stephen suggesting, "Eric and Bill definitely get together" and Anna responding, "man-love is a really beautiful thing". Ahhhhhh we should only be so lucky.

And don't forget to join us after the show tonight on Loving True Blood in Dallas to discuss all the latest developments!

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

The 7 Best Animated Lafayette GIFs

Hey, Hookah fans! Over on the Video page I've posted seven of the best animated GIFs that I could find of everyone's favorite sass-slingin', afghan-lovin' fry cook, Lafayette Reynolds (Nelsan Ellis). (Note: It may take the page a minute or two to load due to the sheer ghetto fabulousness contained therein.)

I'm also in the process of cleaning up the Blood Work Too! vlogs and adding some embedded video where once were only download links (technology is advancing faster than a staph infection at a David Barton Gym!). Unfortunately, the now-legendary Stephen Geoffreys Intimate Portrait will likely never find its way onto a video streaming site, for obvious reasons ... but it's still ripe for downloadin'!

And yes, as many of you have kindly pointed out, the Season 1 Blood Works that once lived on the video page are no longer working, so I've had to remove all the embeds (as helpful commenter Ian pointed out, you can still view the videos over here). I have no idea what the deal is there, but so be it. We sally forth. Heck, sometimes we even Mary Worth!

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.5: Tubthumping!

That's right, ladies and germs: We're back with the latest installment of Blood Work Too!, our very own True Blood recap vlog.

This week we discuss bathtub handjobs, hotel porn, the voluptuous horror of Ed Quinn, and whether or not Bill has to "warm it up" before he and Sookie play hide-the-stake. So basically it's like your typical episode of The View, only in our case the undead isn't limited to Barbara Walters.


Enjoy it all below!

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Trailer Fabulous: "Wicked, Wicked"

I don't know what unholy cross-pollination of Private Parts, Psycho and California Suite resulted in the 1973 slasher gimmick Wicked, Wicked, but damn I wish I'd been there to see the upper-fueled pitch meeting that brought this puppy to life.

Filmed in Duo-Vision (the whole movie was split-screen, for no apparent reason), this MGM horror comedy was apparently a stinker of the highest order, but I'll be dipped in shit if it doesn't have one of the HOTTEST TRAILERS IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

Just try to tell me it ain't:

Oh, and did I mention that the writer/director happens to be named Dick Bare? HAWT! Plus, lead detective David Bailey is pretty much the textbook definition of Seventies Handsome, and it's nice to see Kingdom of the Spiders' Tiffany Bolling not introducing herself as Diane Ashley every five fucking seconds.

There's lots more on this little gem over at Vinnie Rattole's. Enjoy!

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Videodrama: Lauren Tewes, Demon Dialer!

Here's a bit of CampBlood video mashup silliness to get you through this agonizingly beautiful summer day. It seems that Eyes of a Stranger (and The Love Boat) star Lauren Tewes has holed herself up in her Shanghai brothel-inspired bedroom with a fresh pack of bitch sticks, a mountain of blow and unlimited local calling.

Will the unlucky ladies who take her calls make it out alive?!

(Note: An earlier version of this vid popped up on CampBlood a few years back but this is way better, if I do say so m'self.)

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Blood Work! "True Blood" video blog 2.4: "Shake and Fingerpop"

Yes, we're back to recap the latest episode of the increasingly horny HBO vampire show, True Blood, with our sexed-up take on 2.4, "Shake and Fingerpop".

Find out what happens when Andy lets me drink Yoo-Hoo, our thoughts on sploshing, and with whom we'd Like to Do Bad Things this week, below!

(Note: No cats were harmed, emotionally scarred or impregnated in the making of this video.)

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Blood Work "True Blood" video blog (2.3): "Scratches"

Hi kids! We're busy adjusting to the new video situation and will likely be trying out some new stuff and different video servers over the next few episodes, but the latest vlog is up and running!

Note: No gay husbands were injured during the making of this video.

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